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Wedding Woes

Unhappy wife, unhappy life

Dear Prudence,
My wife got off antidepressants when she got pregnant. Now the baby is 2, and she’s miserable. She thinks it just comes with having a young child—always being tired, grumpy, and negative. I think she would do better getting back on them. She doesn’t want to because she gets headaches if she misses a dose. I would think the easy solution would be to not miss a dose. Our quality of life is terrible; we don’t have any positive experiences together at all. Should I broach the subject? Or would it be gaslighting?

—Antidepressants Needed

Re: Unhappy wife, unhappy life

  • Where is the doctor who prescribed the meds in the first place, or her ob/gyn that (hopefully) knew she was on them when she became pregnant, or where are her doctors she follows up with? 
    MesmrEweOurWildKingdom
  • Denial isn't a river in Egypt...

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  • I was on antidepressants for a LONG time and I've finally gotten myself off them for about 3 years now. Honestly for me they just made me feel nothing. So it's true I never had those awful days but I was also never really happy. Now I do have really bad days sometimes and it's a battle but on the days where I'm happy it's just so much better. I'm all for medication if it makes you feel better, it probably saved my life before I learned better how to cope with bad days and before I had DH as an awesome support system, but if someone feels bad while on it (like it sounds the wife does) then it might hurt them more than help. 

    I feel like he should talk to her instead about maybe seeking a counselor, get some DBT (at least I think that was the acronym) sessions. Then let the counselor suggest going back on medication or maybe they can offer her other options of medication that won't make her feel as bad. Or maybe he needs to evaluate their home life. Is she depressed because she hasn't left the house except to buy groceries since their child was born? Does he watch the child and let her go have a girls night once in a while? Does he take her out on dates just the 2 of them? If she's not getting any of that then no amount of medication is going to make her not depressed.
    ALL OF THIS ^^

    Seriously, as someone who's dealing with depression, and has almost a 2 year old, there's no one easy fix.  Maybe it's meds... but maybe she needs therapy.  Or maybe he needs to help her more and give her a break (or maybe he's a perfectly loving, helpful husband, we don't know).  But I don't like that he's basically just like "Dude, take your meds and chill"

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    OurWildKingdomHeffalumpMesmrEwe
  • monkeysip said:
    I was on antidepressants for a LONG time and I've finally gotten myself off them for about 3 years now. Honestly for me they just made me feel nothing. So it's true I never had those awful days but I was also never really happy. Now I do have really bad days sometimes and it's a battle but on the days where I'm happy it's just so much better. I'm all for medication if it makes you feel better, it probably saved my life before I learned better how to cope with bad days and before I had DH as an awesome support system, but if someone feels bad while on it (like it sounds the wife does) then it might hurt them more than help. 

    I feel like he should talk to her instead about maybe seeking a counselor, get some DBT (at least I think that was the acronym) sessions. Then let the counselor suggest going back on medication or maybe they can offer her other options of medication that won't make her feel as bad. Or maybe he needs to evaluate their home life. Is she depressed because she hasn't left the house except to buy groceries since their child was born? Does he watch the child and let her go have a girls night once in a while? Does he take her out on dates just the 2 of them? If she's not getting any of that then no amount of medication is going to make her not depressed.
    ALL OF THIS ^^

    Seriously, as someone who's dealing with depression, and has almost a 2 year old, there's no one easy fix.  Maybe it's meds... but maybe she needs therapy.  Or maybe he needs to help her more and give her a break (or maybe he's a perfectly loving, helpful husband, we don't know).  But I don't like that he's basically just like "Dude, take your meds and chill"
    The tone I got from the LW is this is probably a bigger contributor... 
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    OurWildKingdom
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2016
    I was on antidepressants for a LONG time and I've finally gotten myself off them for about 3 years now. Honestly for me they just made me feel nothing. So it's true I never had those awful days but I was also never really happy. Now I do have really bad days sometimes and it's a battle but on the days where I'm happy it's just so much better. I'm all for medication if it makes you feel better, it probably saved my life before I learned better how to cope with bad days and before I had DH as an awesome support system, but if someone feels bad while on it (like it sounds the wife does) then it might hurt them more than help. 

    I feel like he should talk to her instead about maybe seeking a counselor, get some DBT (at least I think that was the acronym) sessions. Then let the counselor suggest going back on medication or maybe they can offer her other options of medication that won't make her feel as bad. Or maybe he needs to evaluate their home life. Is she depressed because she hasn't left the house except to buy groceries since their child was born? Does he watch the child and let her go have a girls night once in a while? Does he take her out on dates just the 2 of them? If she's not getting any of that then no amount of medication is going to make her not depressed.
    This. There's a big difference between a loved one telling someone to go on medication and telling them to find help, which comes in so many different varieties.

    It's actually CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy). I've been researching MCBT (Mindfulness-Based Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) for work lately, which seems really promising, and there are so many other non-pharmacological interventions for depression and similar conditions. It's actually really disheartening for me to know that so many people think medications are the only solution, when they're really just one among many. There's really no cookie cutter solutions.  

    Edit: my FI (who works in mental health) has informed me that DBT is Dialectical Cognitive Therapy. So, that was right too. :)
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEwelembaslover
  • justsiejustsie member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I was on antidepressants for a LONG time and I've finally gotten myself off them for about 3 years now. Honestly for me they just made me feel nothing. So it's true I never had those awful days but I was also never really happy. Now I do have really bad days sometimes and it's a battle but on the days where I'm happy it's just so much better. I'm all for medication if it makes you feel better, it probably saved my life before I learned better how to cope with bad days and before I had DH as an awesome support system, but if someone feels bad while on it (like it sounds the wife does) then it might hurt them more than help. 

    I feel like he should talk to her instead about maybe seeking a counselor, get some DBT (at least I think that was the acronym) sessions. Then let the counselor suggest going back on medication or maybe they can offer her other options of medication that won't make her feel as bad. Or maybe he needs to evaluate their home life. Is she depressed because she hasn't left the house except to buy groceries since their child was born? Does he watch the child and let her go have a girls night once in a while? Does he take her out on dates just the 2 of them? If she's not getting any of that then no amount of medication is going to make her not depressed.
    This. There's a big difference between a loved one telling someone to go on medication and telling them to find help, which comes in so many different varieties.

    It's actually CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy). I've been researching MCBT (Mindfulness-Based Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) for work lately, which seems really promising, and there are so many other non-pharmacological interventions for depression and similar conditions. It's actually really disheartening for me to know that so many people think medications are the only solution, when they're really just one among many. There's really no cookie cutter solutions.  
    Mindfulness is such an interesting therapy type I think. I've had a few clients that are down to actually try it and it is amazing how their lives are affected. 
    image
    JediElizabeth
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Having taken antidepressants for the majority of my adult life, I can attest to the fact that while they do help a great deal, they are *not* a magic bullet. There are a lot of factors that contribute to good mental health, and appropriate medication is only one.
    MesmrEwe
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