Eloping and vow renewal/party later

Knottie1436667952 · June 2016

My fiancé and I are getting married in Hawaii in Feb with just my parents (his are deceased). We are going to announce it after the event.

Now my parents want to throw a big bbq reception June 10th to celebrate(catered, tents, drinks, music etc). And also wanted my cousin to do a vow renewal for us. Is that tacky? We were just going to have my best friend and his brother stand by our sides. We will just have a nice dress and suit on (changing after for games etc)

Thoughts? Everyone will know we eloped. So no secrets

thanks

ShesSoCold · June 2016

Knottie1436667952 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in Hawaii in Feb with just my parents (his are deceased). We are going to announce it after the event.

Now my parents want to throw a big bbq reception June 10th to celebrate(catered, tents, drinks, music etc). And also wanted my cousin to do a vow renewal for us. Is that tacky? We were just going to have my best friend and his brother stand by our sides. We will just have a nice dress and suit on (changing after for games etc)

Thoughts? Everyone will know we eloped. So no secrets

thanks

I think it's tacky. You'll already be married, why have a fake/pretend ceremony?

Would you re-enact a graduation or birth of a child for someone who didn't see the real thing?

Edited to clarify - I think the vow renewal would be tacky, not the party itself. Parties are fine for any reason, but I'm not a fan of a re-enactment.

Totally unrelated, but I wish my friend still had that poster that had a reason to party for every day of the year.

Tyvm · June 2016

Knottie1436667952 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in Hawaii in Feb with just my parents (his are deceased). We are going to announce it after the event.

Now my parents want to throw a big bbq reception June 10th to celebrate(catered, tents, drinks, music etc). And also wanted my cousin to do a vow renewal for us. Is that tacky? We were just going to have my best friend and his brother stand by our sides. We will just have a nice dress and suit on (changing after for games etc)

Thoughts? Everyone will know we eloped. So no secrets

thanks

Hi OP! Welcome! A few notes:

The "BBQ Reception" is okay, so long as it's not called a reception and does not include the word "wedding" in it. Maybe a "Celebration of Marriage."
Vow renewals are only for 10+ year anniversaries. Most people will heavily side eye it. If you're going to have this Celebration of Marriage there should be absolutely no re-enacting of the wedding, no wedding party, no giant poofy white dress, etc. etc.
Secret or no, TK will likely call this a "PPD" (Pretty Princess Party). But if you do no re-enactment and call it a Celebration of Marriage Party then you should be good etiquette-wise.

thisismynickname2 · June 2016

Decline the vow renewal and don't call the June event a reception, and you should be good to go. Just have a great party.

My sister also had a very small wedding. About 6 or 7 months later, her new in-laws hosted a casual family reunion and it was a great opportunity for her to meet all the extended family she hadn't previously met.

OliveOilsMom · June 2016

Skip the vow renewal and you will be fine. Have the BBQ, show pictures of your ceremony and you are good to go!!

MobKaz · June 2016

Tyvm said:

Knottie1436667952 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in Hawaii in Feb with just my parents (his are deceased). We are going to announce it after the event.

Now my parents want to throw a big bbq reception June 10th to celebrate(catered, tents, drinks, music etc). And also wanted my cousin to do a vow renewal for us. Is that tacky? We were just going to have my best friend and his brother stand by our sides. We will just have a nice dress and suit on (changing after for games etc)

Thoughts? Everyone will know we eloped. So no secrets

thanks

Hi OP! Welcome to TK! A few notes:
The "BBQ Reception" is okay, so long as it's not called a reception and does not include the word "wedding" in it. Maybe a "Celebration of Marriage."
Vow renewals are only for 10+ year anniversaries. Most people will heavily side eye it. If you're going to have this Celebration of Marriage there should be absolutely no re-enacting of the wedding, no wedding party, no giant poofy white dress, etc. etc.
Secret or no, TK will call this a "PPD" (Pretty Princess Party). But if you do no re-enactment and call it a Celebration of Marriage Party then you should be good etiquette-wise.

@Tyvm, I am noticing that you are frequently speaking on behalf of "TK". Please don't. Or if you must, add a qualifier.

I do NOT consider this a PPD. I liken it more to an AHR (At Home Reception). Many brides will have a small wedding, or elope. The question of an AHR after the fact comes up on the boards often. Vow renewal ceremonies also are a frequent topic of conversation.

I find AHR's a bit much. I personally feel that you should have the wedding you want, and accept the consequences of that choice. I think a vow renewal should not be considered until a larger milestone has been reached, such as 20-25 years.

I consider a PPD to be a full blown reenactment of a wedding. It consists of a wedding gown, bridal party, full reception, and often, deception. What this OP is considering, in my opinion, is half OK and half tacky. It does not resemble a PPD to me whatsoever.

Knottie1436667952, your folks are more than welcome to host a BBQ party with the new bride and groom as the guests of honor. I personally find the vow renewal unnecessary.

Tyvm · June 2016

@Tyvm, I am noticing that you are frequently speaking on behalf of "TK". Please don't. Or if you must, add a qualifier.

@MobKaz Eh, if people don't know that TK is a community of people with a probabilistic distribution of opinions, I'm not going to inform them of it in every post. You can respond and tell everyone that when "@TYVM says "TK" she actually means "most of the TK forum community."" Or you can just politely disagree, like you did in this comment (which is totally fine!). I'm just not going to waste my keystrokes on it.

This is a discussion forum. I shouldn't need to put a "All opinions are my own" disclaimer at the bottom of every post.

MobKaz · June 2016

Tyvm said:

@Tyvm, I am noticing that you are frequently speaking on behalf of "TK". Please don't. Or if you must, add a qualifier.
@MobKaz Eh, if people don't know that TK is a community of people with a probabilistic distribution of opinions, I'm not going to inform them of it in every post. You can respond and tell everyone that when "@TYVM says "TK" she actually means "most of the TK forum community."" Or you can just politely disagree, like you did in this comment (which is totally fine!). I'm just not going to waste my keystrokes on it.

This is a discussion forum. I shouldn't need to put a "All opinions are my own" disclaimer at the bottom of every post.

True enough. Agreed. But it would be just as simple to voice your personal opinion. My point actually spoke more to your definition of PPD, which I personally found erroneous, from my POV.

SP29 · June 2016

Agreed, nothing wrong with the BBQ. I would call it a "Celebration of Marriage".

I would side-eye the vow renewal. If it was important for me to witness you exchange vows, you would have invited me to your ceremony in the first place. (But it's totally cool that you are having a private ceremony! Just own it).

Tyvm · June 2016

True enough. Agreed. But it would be just as simple to voice your personal opinion. My point actually spoke more to your definition of PPD, which I personally found erroneous, from my POV.

@MobKaz I think what threw me into PPD territory (or the fear of it) was having two people standing up there with them to re-say vows, and calling it a "reception." It's on the more dilute end of PPD, but with that current set-up it could come off as a bit of an AW wedding redo. Vow renewal pulls it slightly out of At Home Reception into a weird combo AHR-PPD territory. All that really matters is that it's a small fix [or two] to right it.

charlotte989875 · June 2016

Tyvm said:

Knottie1436667952 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in Hawaii in Feb with just my parents (his are deceased). We are going to announce it after the event.

Now my parents want to throw a big bbq reception June 10th to celebrate(catered, tents, drinks, music etc). And also wanted my cousin to do a vow renewal for us. Is that tacky? We were just going to have my best friend and his brother stand by our sides. We will just have a nice dress and suit on (changing after for games etc)

Thoughts? Everyone will know we eloped. So no secrets

thanks

Hi OP! Welcome! A few notes:
The "BBQ Reception" is okay, so long as it's not called a reception and does not include the word "wedding" in it. Maybe a "Celebration of Marriage."
Vow renewals are only for 10+ year anniversaries. Most people will heavily side eye it. If you're going to have this Celebration of Marriage there should be absolutely no re-enacting of the wedding, no wedding party, no giant poofy white dress, etc. etc.
Secret or no, TK will likely call this a "PPD" (Pretty Princess Party). But if you do no re-enactment and call it a Celebration of Marriage Party then you should be good etiquette-wise.

Tyvm said:

@Tyvm, I am noticing that you are frequently speaking on behalf of "TK". Please don't. Or if you must, add a qualifier.
@MobKaz Eh, if people don't know that TK is a community of people with a probabilistic distribution of opinions, I'm not going to inform them of it in every post. You can respond and tell everyone that when "@TYVM says "TK" she actually means "most of the TK forum community."" Or you can just politely disagree, like you did in this comment (which is totally fine!). I'm just not going to waste my keystrokes on it.

This is a discussion forum. I shouldn't need to put a "All opinions are my own" disclaimer at the bottom of every post.

So I kind of find this annoying too. There are posters that have been here for years that don't try to speak for TK or try and say what TK will do. Yes, big etiquette mistakes there is a general consensus about but still no one tries to make blanket statement about what everyone here would say. And if you don't want to put a disclaimer on the post, don't assume to post for TK, just write out your advice or opinion like everyone else.

I don't think everyone would call this a PPD; I'd call it a vow renewal and I agree it's better to skip it and just make it a celebration of marriage party without the vows.

ETA: There is a culture to the boards and sometimes it takes a while figure it out. I know it took me a while to get the norms and lay of the land. This isn't the first time someone mentioned speaking on behalf of TK.

Tyvm · June 2016

Mmm, I love a good thread hijacking.

ETA:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/dc/43onnrm2it1d.gif

downtondiva · June 2016

I think having a BBQ party to celebrate your marriage is totally fine, but I'd skip the vow renewal.

CMGragain · June 2016

Tyvm said:

@Tyvm, I am noticing that you are frequently speaking on behalf of "TK". Please don't. Or if you must, add a qualifier.
@MobKaz Eh, if people don't know that TK is a community of people with a probabilistic distribution of opinions, I'm not going to inform them of it in every post. You can respond and tell everyone that when "@TYVM says "TK" she actually means "most of the TK forum community."" Or you can just politely disagree, like you did in this comment (which is totally fine!). I'm just not going to waste my keystrokes on it.

This is a discussion forum. I shouldn't need to put a "All opinions are my own" disclaimer at the bottom of every post.

I'm with MobKaz, too. Just stop it.

CMGragain · June 2016

Knottie1436667952 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in Hawaii in Feb with just my parents (his are deceased). We are going to announce it after the event.

Now my parents want to throw a big bbq reception June 10th to celebrate(catered, tents, drinks, music etc). And also wanted my cousin to do a vow renewal for us. Is that tacky? We were just going to have my best friend and his brother stand by our sides. We will just have a nice dress and suit on (changing after for games etc)

Thoughts? Everyone will know we eloped. So no secrets

thanks

Throwing the party is fine. Renewing your vows is not. This will not be a part of your wedding day. That ship has sailed. This is a simply a party to celebrate that you are now married. You are not the bride and groom. Wedding gifts are not expected.
You may announce your marriage by mailing out marriage announcements to friends and relatives. This is done after the ceremony. Newspaper announcements are fine, too, after the event has occurred.

MobKaz · June 2016

Tyvm said:

Mmm, I love a good thread hijacking.

Just to clarify, are you speaking for yourself, or TK community at large?

Tyvm · June 2016

Just to clarify, are you speaking for yourself, or TK community at large?

Thank you for asking!

I'm talking about this thread in particular. @MobKaz you were fine, but then @charlotte989875 basically just posted the exact same thing you said. This is where I responded, foreseeing the avalanche of these posts that are totally off topic (and frankly, repetitive and not going to impact my behavior in the slightest). The most recent post by @CMGragain just confirms that prediction.

TK saw a slight social infraction out of the corner of its eye, now 75% of the next several posts will be about this instead of responding to OP

@Knottie1436667952 save yourself before the laser pointer gets you too!

Cat pointless chasing a laser pointer GIF

MobKaz · June 2016

Tyvm said:

Just to clarify, are you speaking for yourself, or TK community at large?
Thank you for asking!

I'm talking about this thread in particular. @MobKaz you were fine, but then @charlotte989875 basically just posted the exact same thing you said. This is where I responded, foreseeing the avalanche of these posts that are totally off topic (and frankly, repetitive and not going to impact my behavior in the slightest). The most recent post by @CMGragain just confirms that prediction.

TK saw a slight social infraction out of the corner of its eye, now 75% of the next several posts will be about this instead of responding to OP

@Knottie1436667952 save yourself before the laser pointer gets you too!

I cannot tell if you have appointed yourself cleric, offering me your blessing and absolution, or avenger, for all new Knotties. You are taking yourself and this community much too seriously. I need neither your blessing or absolution. The community, in my opinion, has fared well to this point without an avenger. For the record, your post is the only one that has created any derailing.

Tyvm · June 2016

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/u6/msbcjln1jsad.gif

charlotte989875 · June 2016

Tyvm said:

Just to clarify, are you speaking for yourself, or TK community at large?
Thank you for asking!

I'm talking about this thread in particular. @MobKaz you were fine, but then @charlotte989875 basically just posted the exact same thing you said. This is where I responded, foreseeing the avalanche of these posts that are totally off topic (and frankly, repetitive and not going to impact my behavior in the slightest). The most recent post by @CMGragain just confirms that prediction.

TK saw a slight social infraction out of the corner of its eye, now 75% of the next several posts will be about this instead of responding to OP

@Knottie1436667952 save yourself before the laser pointer gets you too!

Eloping and vow renewal/party later

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