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Co-worker thought she'd be a bridesmaid and is mad she's not

GlamQueenBrideGlamQueenBride member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
WTF, right? She and I are close and all and right after my engagement, she threw me a little happy-hour party as a congratulations after work one day. She's been a good friend, but for bridesmaids, I chose my sisters. I never asked her to be a bridesmaid and never even hinted at it because originally, I wasn't going to  have a bridal party then I decided to have my sisters and that's it. Well, she got upset that she wasn't asked to be a BM and didn't tell me until last week when she told me she could not attend my wedding because she VOLUNTEERED to work that day. I asked if they're making her work and she repeated that she volunteered to do so because she thinks it's better this way.

Things have been so awkward at work since then. I don't know what to do.
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Re: Co-worker thought she'd be a bridesmaid and is mad she's not

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    auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    That's... curious.
    Now, there's nothing wrong with her volunteering to work that day. If work needs to get done and/or she could use extra money she's totally within her rights to prioritize that over your wedding (and really, you probably shouldn't have pressed her about whether she was required to work then or not. She should be able to decline for whatever reason without the third degree).

    That said, her behavior is odd.

    Nothing at all was said that could have made her think she'd be a bridesmaid? I assume the happy hour was 100% her idea and you thanked her for it?

    Is it possible there's something else she's mad about that you aren't thinking of? Barring that, and assuming you still want to be friends, I guess just tell her she'll be missed and keep being friendly with her and keep things away from wedding related topics.
    For whatever reason she seemed to think she'd be a bridesmaid and her feelings are hurt. And while you did nothing wrong and it's not your fault, she feels the way she feels. Hopefully she'll get over it soon.
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    JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    GlamQueenBride said:
    WTF, right? She and I are close and all and right after my engagement, she threw me a little happy-hour party as a congratulations after work one day. She's been a good friend, but for bridesmaids, I chose my sisters. I never asked her to be a bridesmaid and never even hinted at it because originally, I wasn't going to  have a bridal party then I decided to have my sisters and that's it. Well, she got upset that she wasn't asked to be a BM and didn't tell me until last week when she told me she could not attend my wedding because she VOLUNTEERED to work that day. I asked if they're making her work and she repeated that she volunteered to do so because she thinks it's better this way.

    Things have been so awkward at work since then. I don't know what to do.
    Wow. So much going on here, not the least of which is her being terribly entitled & passive aggressive!

    What's the office culture like? Are a lot of coworkers invited, or just her? Also, did she tell you why she thought she'd be a bridesmaid, or bring it up before at all? So strange to wait until invites are out and work shifts are being made to say something. 
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    GlamQueenBrideGlamQueenBride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    edited June 2016
    aurianna said:
    That's... curious.
    Now, there's nothing wrong with her volunteering to work that day. If work needs to get done and/or she could use extra money she's totally within her rights to prioritize that over your wedding (and really, you probably shouldn't have pressed her about whether she was required to work then or not. She should be able to decline for whatever reason without the third degree).

    That said, her behavior is odd.

    Nothing at all was said that could have made her think she'd be a bridesmaid? I assume the happy hour was 100% her idea and you thanked her for it?

    Is it possible there's something else she's mad about that you aren't thinking of? Barring that, and assuming you still want to be friends, I guess just tell her she'll be missed and keep being friendly with her and keep things away from wedding related topics.
    For whatever reason she seemed to think she'd be a bridesmaid and her feelings are hurt. And while you did nothing wrong and it's not your fault, she feels the way she feels. Hopefully she'll get over it soon.
    Since when is it the third degree to ask a friend a question? It's not like I stomped my foot and was mad about it. She said she can't come because she volunteered to work. I did a double take because of the word "volunteer" and I asked something along the lines of "oh, are they making you work? I'm sorry." She corrected me and was sure to say "no, no, I volunteered to work. I think it's better this way." Come to find out, she had originally requested that day off, then after not being asked to be a bridesmaid, she went back and volunteered to work. Also, it's not for extra money because we're salaried so she isn't getting paid extra for working that day.

    And yes, I thanked her for the happy hour party. It was a surprise and I had no idea. I sent her a thank you card for arranging it. She did bring up the wedding a lot, asking if I'd picked out my dress, asking about vendors, etc. I just thought she was being a friend. I shrugged and we sometimes talked about it outside of work. I never once hinted that she'd be a bridesmaid because the thought of her being a bridesmaid had never crossed my mind.
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    GlamQueenBrideGlamQueenBride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    edited June 2016
    JediElizabeth said:
    GlamQueenBride said:
    WTF, right? She and I are close and all and right after my engagement, she threw me a little happy-hour party as a congratulations after work one day. She's been a good friend, but for bridesmaids, I chose my sisters. I never asked her to be a bridesmaid and never even hinted at it because originally, I wasn't going to  have a bridal party then I decided to have my sisters and that's it. Well, she got upset that she wasn't asked to be a BM and didn't tell me until last week when she told me she could not attend my wedding because she VOLUNTEERED to work that day. I asked if they're making her work and she repeated that she volunteered to do so because she thinks it's better this way.

    Things have been so awkward at work since then. I don't know what to do.
    Wow. So much going on here, not the least of which is her being terribly entitled & passive aggressive!

    What's the office culture like? Are a lot of coworkers invited, or just her? Also, did she tell you why she thought she'd be a bridesmaid, or bring it up before at all? So strange to wait until invites are out and work shifts are being made to say something. 

    There are some others invited as well, but she's one of my closest friends both at and out of work. The work culture is solid. There are some of us who hang out on weekends and evenings and some who don't. Naturally, those of us who do are closer. But there's no real drama at work usually. At least none that I know about/get involved in.

    Oh, and invites haven't gone out yet, just save the dates.
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    This is weird.  Maybe she has always wanted to be a BM (for some unknown reason - LOL) and she thought you might be the one to ask her.  Then you didn't and she's upset now.

    You asked only your sisters, I can't see how she can be upset.  It's not like you are having 9 BM and they are all different friends.  That can sometimes sting for a person who thought you were closer than you are.

    I would just try to act business as usual with her.  If it might smooth over the situation, I might also apologize to her for upsetting her.  Tell her you had no intention of hurting her feelings and that you only picked your sisters to be BMs because you wanted to keep the WP small.

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    DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    She told you she's upset that you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid? Or you're assuming that? I can't tell from your OP. 
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    GlamQueenBrideGlamQueenBride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    DrillSergeantCat said:
    She told you she's upset that you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid? Or you're assuming that? I can't tell from your OP. 
    DrillSergeantCat said:
    She told you she's upset that you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid? Or you're assuming that? I can't tell from your OP. 
    She told me. After she said that it's "better this way", I asked what she meant by that and if I had done something to offend her. At first, she was coy about it, but then she said that she thought we were closer friends and that I'd want her to stand up for me. She didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't push, but things have been so awkward ever since.
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    OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    @DrillSergeantCat, I love that story about your friend and her H. I also love that you dragged your friend along to vote!
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