found out that We are on the B list.

Knottie83801198 · June 2016

Here is the situation. We are a gay couple, found out that we are on the B list for the wedding reception, not invited to the wedding at all, A listers have rsvp, B listers just show up to the reception with gift. Bride is a colleague, all the other colleagues are married straight, they are on the A list. We are annoyed. Do we have to attend, if not, do we need to send a gift. Normally we give about 200.00 per wedding but since we are on the B-list under these circumstances we feel it is a gift grab. She does want a door mat, on the list, although I doubt she would get the irony

JediElizabeth · June 2016

No. You do not need to go, you do not need to give a gift, and you have every right to be pissed.

Viczaesar · June 2016

Knottie83801198 said:

Here is the situation. We are a gay couple, found out that we are on the B list for the wedding reception, not invited to the wedding at all, A listers have rsvp, B listers just show up to the reception with gift. Bride is a colleague, all the other colleagues are married straight, they are on the A list. We are annoyed. Do we have to attend, if not, do we need to send a gift. Normally we give about 200.00 per wedding but since we are on the B-list under these circumstances we feel it is a gift grab. She does want a door mat, on the list, although I doubt she would get the irony

No and no. I'm sorry you're the recipient of such rudeness. If I were you I would probably buy the door mat (assuming it's not ridiculously expensive; I wouldn't want to spend more than a token). Even if she doesn't get the irony you certainly do!

ILoveBeachMusic · June 2016

Nope, nope and nope.

climbingsingle · June 2016

Don't go and don't give a gift.

Knottie83801198 · June 2016

Thank you, the door mat is 6.99. so may be worth it just for my dig back, When we got married, it was rushed due to a quick change in the laws and uncertainty if it would hold but we had a nice reception 2 months later with 1 list, we broke ettiquette by saying no gifts, we have been together 25 years and value our friends far more than any gift.

[Deleted User] · June 2016

Nope. They are being rude.

But I'm really confused why you being a gay couple has to do with this question? I'd answer the same way regardless of someone's sexuality, gender, or marital status. Unless you think that's why you are on the B list...

Knottie83801198 · June 2016

All the other co workers are straight and on the A list. A friend on the A list told me the groom just being weird. Maybe there is no connection but it looks like it to me.

ei34 · June 2016

No one ever has to attend a wedding or bring a gift, A- or B-list, gay or straight. But the fact that you've been B-listed and are dealing with a homophobe is totally gross.

aurianna · June 2016

So I'm going to ask some questions, but know regardless of the answers I think the couple is acting terribly rude.

1. How did you find out about all of this?
2. Are you invited to dinner? And if so, how do they expect to deal with that if you aren't asked to RSVP
3. How many co-workers are there that are being invited?
4. Do you know if bride or group are very religious and still in one of those sects that shames homosexuality pretty harshly?
5. You mentioned expected to show up and bring a gift. Are you saying that because you assume your tiered invite was mostly a gift grab, or did they actually express to you that a gift was expected?

Again, they're bad no matter what the answers are. I'm just curious about the motivation.

Knottie83801198 · June 2016

1. How did you find out about all of this? I couldn't find the rsvp on my invite or the web site, so I asked a co worker We all have lunch together. She told me about the other invites and her invite. My invite is to the reception only closed bar. Theirs is wedding, dinner and reception.
2. Are you invited to dinner? no but everyone else is. Invites apparently are different And if so, how do they expect to deal with that if you aren't asked to RSVP
3. How many co-workers are there that are being invited? 8 couples (straight couples , some the bride has know for less than a year.
4. Do you know if bride or group are very religious and still in one of those sects that shames homosexuality pretty harshly?not religious by listening to her drinking stories and behavior in college
5. You mentioned expected to show up and bring a gift. Are you saying that because you assume your tiered invite was mostly a gift grab, or did they actually express to you that a gift was expected? They sent me a card with a link to the bridal registry plus they added on the bottom of that they posted Thank you to everyone that will help spend our special day with us. In addition to our traditional registry lists, we would also appreciate gifts of money or gift cards to home improvement stores (Menards, Lowe's, etc) to start our basement remodel. Looks like a huge gift grab to me.

Again, they're bad no matter what the answers are. I'm just curious about the motivation.

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thisismynickname2 · June 2016

Don't go, and don't give a gift.

I hate to say this, as they're so totally in the wrong here on so many levels, but the reason I wouldn't give a gift is because you are coworkers. If you do nothing but wish them verbal well-wishes before or after the event, you're polite and perfectly professional. If you buy one inexpensive gift (regardless of the fact that it's on the registry), you're cheap at best and a jerk at worst (if they get the joke). Rise above.

Knottie83801198 · June 2016

Thank you thisismynickname. I don't want to be paranoid but I think this is pretty clear, I am sure it is mostly the groom but regardless, I will take you advice,

ILoveBeachMusic · June 2016

Knottie83801198 said:

1. How did you find out about all of this? I couldn't find the rsvp on my invite or the web site, so I asked a co worker We all have lunch together. She told me about the other invites and her invite. My invite is to the reception only closed bar. Theirs is wedding, dinner and reception.
2. Are you invited to dinner? no but everyone else is. Invites apparently are different And if so, how do they expect to deal with that if you aren't asked to RSVP
3. How many co-workers are there that are being invited? 8 couples (straight couples , some the bride has know for less than a year.
4. Do you know if bride or group are very religious and still in one of those sects that shames homosexuality pretty harshly?not religious by listening to her drinking stories and behavior in college
5. You mentioned expected to show up and bring a gift. Are you saying that because you assume your tiered invite was mostly a gift grab, or did they actually express to you that a gift was expected? They sent me a card with a link to the bridal registry plus they added on the bottom of that they posted Thank you to everyone that will help spend our special day with us. In addition to our traditional registry lists, we would also appreciate gifts of money or gift cards to home improvement stores (Menards, Lowe's, etc) to start our basement remodel. Looks like a huge gift grab to me.

Again, they're bad no matter what the answers are. I'm just curious about the motivation.
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That is just beyond rude and tacky! I definitely wouldn't go and wouldn't send a gift.

AddieCake · June 2016

Nobody ever "has" to attend. In your case, no way would I go or send a gift.

LondonLisa · June 2016

B-listing alone would make me not attend and not send a gift. But dealing with a homophobe too?! That's disgusting. Off the Christmas card list and I'd reevaluate my work relationship with her. I don't like to hire, let alone promote bigots. If I were friends with the office gossip, I'd subtly spread the word that you and your husband were apparently the only couple not invited and ask "It couldn't possibly be because I'm gay, right"?" (and let people draw their own, very obvious, conclusions). She deserves to be shamed. But I'm spiteful like that

But on another note, how utterly thick is she?! Did she not think people will talk?! Did she not think that when you came after dinner your colleagues wouldn't ask Moron.

I'm so sorry in today's day and age you have to deal with this rubbish.

banana468 · June 2016

LondonLisa said:

B-listing alone would make me not attend and not send a gift. But dealing with a homophobe too?! That's disgusting. Off the Christmas card list and I'd reevaluate my work relationship with her. I don't like to hire, let alone promote bigots. If I were friends with the office gossip, I'd subtly spread the word that you and your husband were apparently the only couple not invited and ask "It couldn't possibly be because I'm gay, right"?" (and let people draw their own, very obvious, conclusions). She deserves to be shamed. But I'm spiteful like that

But on another note, how utterly thick is she?! Did she not think people will talk?! Did she not think that when you came after dinner your colleagues wouldn't ask Moron.

I'm so sorry in today's day and age you have to deal with this rubbish.

This. You're going to need to be professional while she hasn't been.

It would be really hard for me to not get a dig in but I'd be above board with her.

aurianna · June 2016

So, regardless, the B-listing / tiered wedding was wrong.

But is there any chance at all that you are just not that close to the bride and she is really close to the other 4 co-workers who were invited? (perhaps you joined the group very recently and she had the guest list already set? Do they all associate outside of work but you do not? etc).

Is there any possible explanation other than homophobia? For the sake of humanity I hope so but I'm skeptical.

JediElizabeth · June 2016

LondonLisa said:

B-listing alone would make me not attend and not send a gift. But dealing with a homophobe too?! That's disgusting. Off the Christmas card list and I'd reevaluate my work relationship with her. I don't like to hire, let alone promote bigots. If I were friends with the office gossip, I'd subtly spread the word that you and your husband were apparently the only couple not invited and ask "It couldn't possibly be because I'm gay, right"?" (and let people draw their own, very obvious, conclusions). She deserves to be shamed. But I'm spiteful like that

But on another note, how utterly thick is she?! Did she not think people will talk?! Did she not think that when you came after dinner your colleagues wouldn't ask Moron.

I'm so sorry in today's day and age you have to deal with this rubbish.

I'm just as spiteful, but I don't know if this is even necessary. If other co-workers revealed the other invitations, they're probably feeling really awkward being invited on the A-list when their friend is not. Likely, they'll be whispering about it without any intervention from OP, and OP can be classy and silent on the whole issue.

I hate people like this, and would love to see both of them get their comeuppance by being revealed to their entire workplaces as homophobes.

Knottie83801198 · June 2016

Thanks all, I have know her longer than most, I just wanted to be sure I was not imagining things. I won't go, won't send a gift, let it roll off my back. Her loss not mine

debbeau · June 2016

Take that $200 you would have spent and do something special that night.

Jen4948 · June 2016

Rude, rude, rude.

Throw the invitation in the circular file and have fun with your own SO.

kimmiinthemitten · June 2016

How awful. At least coworker has shown you her true colors and you can invest less time in your friendship with her.

I am spiteful too. I hope you're in a position of influence over her career so this can bite her in her passive aggressive homophobic ass.

mcmahon2017wedding · June 2016

Sounds like a great night for a date night! Ugh. That's so tacky.

drunkenwitch · June 2016

Knottie83801198 said:

1. How did you find out about all of this? I couldn't find the rsvp on my invite or the web site, so I asked a co worker We all have lunch together. She told me about the other invites and her invite. My invite is to the reception only closed bar. Theirs is wedding, dinner and reception.
2. Are you invited to dinner? no but everyone else is. Invites apparently are different And if so, how do they expect to deal with that if you aren't asked to RSVP
3. How many co-workers are there that are being invited? 8 couples (straight couples , some the bride has know for less than a year.
4. Do you know if bride or group are very religious and still in one of those sects that shames homosexuality pretty harshly?not religious by listening to her drinking stories and behavior in college
5. You mentioned expected to show up and bring a gift. Are you saying that because you assume your tiered invite was mostly a gift grab, or did they actually express to you that a gift was expected? They sent me a card with a link to the bridal registry plus they added on the bottom of that they posted Thank you to everyone that will help spend our special day with us. In addition to our traditional registry lists, we would also appreciate gifts of money or gift cards to home improvement stores (Menards, Lowe's, etc) to start our basement remodel. Looks like a huge gift grab to me.

Again, they're bad no matter what the answers are. I'm just curious about the motivation.

Holy sweet fritters on a hot July day in the bayou, I canthink even count the layers of wrong, tacky and rude. B listing, cash bar, tiered reception, demanding cash gifts, registry in the invite, homophobic.

Don't go. Don't send a gift. And be grateful this woman revealed her true colors and you can now distance yourself from her.

Will someone please send the Dowager to slap some etiquette into that rude cow?

OurWildKingdom · June 2016

I'd probably be looking for another job too.

MandyPandy87 · June 2016

OurWildKingdom said:

I'd probably be looking for another job too.

Agreed. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but I notice you've said "this is probably because of the groom" and while that might be true, she's still marrying a homophobe and still allowed him to do this. If my FI ever tried shit like that our engagement would be over. I'm sure you have to maintain some sort of civility because she's a coworker, but I hope you're rethinking whatever relationship you have with her.

I hope you enjoy a wonderful date night!!

found out that We are on the B list.

Re: found out that We are on the B list.

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