Wedding Woes

I have more questions before I can think of answers

Dear Prudence,
About a year ago, my family stopped speaking to me after I left their extremely conservative, insular religion. I grieved for quite some time, but I respected their wishes. I am getting married in a few months, and my heart is breaking. My father won’t be walking me down the aisle. My mother never helped me pick out a dress. None of my old friends will talk to me. So I’m not going to have any of the traditional events that lead up to the wedding. While I love my fiancé’s family, who have been supportive and welcoming, I can’t seem to get out from under this cloud. I feel petty for wishing that I’d be able to experience all of these traditional events, since I should be utterly grateful I’m even going to marry the most fantastic man ever, who has been extremely understanding through this whole process. What do I do? How can I get past this? How can I show my appreciation to my future family by marriage, without feeling that there’s still emptiness?

—Family Matters

Re: I have more questions before I can think of answers

  • I'm wondering what kind of religion this was.  I feel sorry for her, this has to be devastating.  She also needs to know that her feelings are perfectly valid, not "petty" at all.  Honestly, she sounds like she's doing a good job keeping it together, she needs to give herself and her feelings some space.
    OurWildKingdomMNNEBridekimmiinthemittencharlotte989875
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I was a job coach one summer and got a heads-up from my boss that one of my team members wasn't allowed to talk to her biological mother or her sister without an adult present and was not allowed to leave work with them. I later found out it was for religious reasons. Last I heard, after she graduated, she left her father and stepmother and moved in with her mother and sister.
  • I was a job coach one summer and got a heads-up from my boss that one of my team members wasn't allowed to talk to her biological mother or her sister without an adult present and was not allowed to leave work with them. I later found out it was for religious reasons. Last I heard, after she graduated, she left her father and stepmother and moved in with her mother and sister.
    That's weird...sounds kind of like a weird custody arrangement.  I'm really curious what religion doesn't allow you to privately talk to your own mother.
  • VarunaTT said:
    I'm wondering what kind of religion this was.  I feel sorry for her, this has to be devastating.  She also needs to know that her feelings are perfectly valid, not "petty" at all.  Honestly, she sounds like she's doing a good job keeping it together, she needs to give herself and her feelings some space.
    This sounds like shunning/disfellowship practiced by some Scientologists, some Jehovah's Witnesses and some Amish communities.
    "Marriage is so disruptive to one's social circle." - Mr. Woodhouse
    VarunaTTOurWildKingdomkimmiinthemittencharlotte989875
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    VarunaTT said:
    I'm wondering what kind of religion this was.  I feel sorry for her, this has to be devastating.  She also needs to know that her feelings are perfectly valid, not "petty" at all.  Honestly, she sounds like she's doing a good job keeping it together, she needs to give herself and her feelings some space.
    This sounds like shunning/disfellowship practiced by some Scientologists, some Jehovah's Witnesses and some Amish communities.
    That's my guess, and it's what happened with my student as well, except from the other side, where she was expected to shun her mother and sister.
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    VarunaTT said:
    I'm wondering what kind of religion this was.  I feel sorry for her, this has to be devastating.  She also needs to know that her feelings are perfectly valid, not "petty" at all.  Honestly, she sounds like she's doing a good job keeping it together, she needs to give herself and her feelings some space.
    This sounds like shunning/disfellowship practiced by some Scientologists, some Jehovah's Witnesses and some Amish communities.
    LD saints too. 
    image
    OurWildKingdom
  • That just makes me sad. 
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