Would this bother you?

thisismynickname2 · June 2016

So... DH has this core group of friends that he's had since high school. One of the women was a groomswoman in our wedding. She has a 3 year old son.
We were invited to the child's first birthday party, but not his second birthday party. Now, thanks to FB, I see that we weren't invited to his third birthday party this past weekend.

Last year I kind of brushed it off, as I figured as a kid gets older it really should be parties more for the kids than parents. But, last year, thanks to the photos, we saw that one other child-free couple was in attendance. This year, in the photos, I don't see anyone that I know for sure is child-free.

But in that friend group, it is only us and that one other couple who don't have kids. I can understand throwing parties primarily for children, but when your social group is 98% parents, it sucks to not include the non-parents... especially when the hostess in question is supposed to be one of DH's closest friends.

And, about 1.5 weeks ago he'd e-mailed her asking to get together (a double date) and she never replied, which he said was unlike her.

We're really in that phase where it's so hard to see your friends more often than like, once every 6 months, and that's when someone hosts a big party for some occasion or another. It bothers DH a lot.

So I don't know, would this bother you too? Any perspective to lend? Thanks!

monkeysip · June 2016

If they're excluding you just because you're child free, and inviting lots of other of your friends, then I agree that kind of sucks. I wouldn't not invite friends to DD's party just because they didn't have kids. Maybe they think that childfree people wouldn't be interested? I think that's a silly assumption, but maybe thats their line of thinking?

I will say that I was thinking about inviting all these friends, both childless and with children, to DD's 2nd B-day, and now I'm thinking of scaling back. Throwing parties is stressful to me, so I think I'd like to keep it very small this year. Nothing against my friends, it's just me. I'm not sure if that's the situation for your friend though.

OliveOilsMom · June 2016

I think that sucks too. I have a few friends with kids. I am only regularly invited to the first birthdays and then after that I only am invited to my BFFs kids birthdays. The other friends just have smaller, more kid friendly parties.

It doesn't bother me when I'm not invited to the kids' birthdays, but it seems like in your instance you are the only people from the friend group not-invited. That would bother me. It would also bother me more since your DH reached out to her prior to the party asking about a double date and you didn't hear anything back.

thisismynickname2 · June 2016

This hostess also holds an annual adults-only holiday party. They don't have the biggest home, so I really do understand that if you have to add in all these children, you really just don't have space to invite everyone. Plus, you have family members to add to the list- it's not just a friends/adults party.

I do get it. But yeah, if that means we're the only people not invited... Sigh.

ILoveBeachMusic · June 2016

I never invited adults without children to our kids birthday parties. However, all the parties were child-centric and had nothing for adults. I was never invited to a child's birthday party without my children. Granted this was all back when children's parties weren't a huge production. Also, we don't live near any of our family so even family wasn't there.

pinkcow13 · June 2016

Yea, that's kinda crappy. It would bother me. If it bothers your H, and they are such close friends, I think maybe he should talk to her. Maybe she's not aware that she's hurting both of your feelings and is thinking that you guys just won't be interested in attending the parties. But to not respond to the doube date thing is weird and rude.

AddieCake · June 2016

It would bother me. In fact, I was bothered this year that I wasn't invited to a friend's daughter's birthday party. She is 3, and I was invited last year, but I couldn't go. I think she didn't invite me since I didn't go last year. It hurt my feelings.

STARMOON44 · June 2016

Nah. I think as kids get older their birthday parties become less and less about the adults.

kvruns · June 2016

It would bother me a little, I kept thinking I would get off the invite list of my friend's daughter's bdays since 1st year it was a lot of us friends, then it was cut drastically to just 2 of us childless ones and like 1 friend with kids. Although I'm having a kid later so perhaps I'll stay on the list. At this point I don't care either way, I like seeing my friends that are there but this past year it was tons of kids and too many people in the space and I caught a cold so I was more than happy not to go again lol.

ei34 · June 2016

As a mom of three, I'll say that at least the parties I've thrown, the older they get, the more the guest list increases in children and decreases in adults. As kids get older they simply have more of their own friends, whereas a 1-year-old may play side-by-side with cousins but not much more. Even for first birthdays, I've never invited my friends to my kids' parties, just family (H and i both have huge families and it's important not to overwhelm the birthday baby with a ton of guests).
In your scenario, I'd also be hurt if I saw the other child-free couple in attendance. If they hadn't been invited I'd definitely chalk it up to the fact that 3rd birthdays are events for kids (and their parents, since kids that age can't get themselves to and from parties and may not be able to use the bathroom/eat/etc by themselves). So it makes sense that your friends with kids were invited. The ones without kids would sting. And that's rude that the friend didn't respond to your FI's double date request!

thisismynickname2 · June 2016

It seems the consensus is that it's just really about the kids. That makes me feel better. Maybe she didn't respond to the double date request because she was managing all the RSVPs to her party (snarky eye roll).

Thanks for listening! I think we're seeing them in a couple weeks at another friend's holiday BBQ. Life goes on

southernbelle0915 · June 2016

It wouldn't bother me TBH. First bday parties seem to be a HUGE deal these days with subsequent bday parties being less of a production for adults and more about the kids. We went to a 1st bday party last weekend where the mom invited over 150 people. 150!! She said it was expensive as hell to host it and she was going to majorly scale back next year.

IDK...maybe they're trying to make it more about kids while scaling back the guest list. You said their house isn't that big, so maybe that's a factor. I'd try not to take it personally. I'd just keep trying to reach out as friends and see what happens. So she doesn't respond one time? I can tell you as a parent, that try as I might, I miss emails and follow up too. It just happens.

SP29 · June 2016

In the scenario you have posted, and thinking about my own friends, it would bother me.

If it was really was a focus on kids only (i.e. parents dropping the kids off for the 2 hour party, only one parent staying), absolutely fine. But when yourselves and one other couple from your main friend group aren't invited, I can see how that feels like a slight (and it would to me).

In one of our close friend groups, our friends are starting to have kids. We have always been invited to the big birthday parties with family and friends. With my friends, unless it was an all kids party, I would feel hurt because I am close enough to these people to want to celebrate their child's birthday with them.

cupcait927 · June 2016

southernbelle0915 said:

It wouldn't bother me TBH. First bday parties seem to be a HUGE deal these days with subsequent bday parties being less of a production for adults and more about the kids. We went to a 1st bday party last weekend where the mom invited over 150 people. 150!! She said it was expensive as hell to host it and she was going to majorly scale back next year.
IDK...maybe they're trying to make it more about kids while scaling back the guest list. You said their house isn't that big, so maybe that's a factor. I'd try not to take it personally. I'd just keep trying to reach out as friends and see what happens. So she doesn't respond one time? I can tell you as a parent, that try as I might, I miss emails and follow up too. It just happens.

Sounds like we were at the same party lol. I went to a 1st birthday party for a set of twins and the mom had a guest list originally of 150 that she "scaled back" to 75. I can't even imagine the cost and the stress.

kimmiinthemitten · June 2016

In FI's friend group we are the only childless couple. We have to miss a second birthday this weekend, and we were almost not invited to a BBQ a month before "because it started out as a parent/kid play date." Turns out some people thought we were invited and asked us about it, we knew nothing about it. The parents actually discussed when to invite us to things. It hurts like hell and it really bothers FI and we let them know that.

Don't decide for us if we're interested in hanging out with your kids. To us, if you're close enough friends we are interested in your child because they're important to you and you're important to us. If our schedule allows, we will almost always come.

Heffalump · June 2016

STARMOON44 said:

Nah. I think as kids get older their birthday parties become less and less about the adults.

I will second that. DD's first birthday was very much an adult party, and we actually had family come from out of state. By the time she was 3, it was really just her friends, and their parents came along because the kids weren't old enough to be dropped off. She turns 7 next week, and I doubt that many parents will even stay for the party itself, and I'm cool with that. It's a party for kids, and at this point, parents are just providing transportation.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2016

Yes, it would bother me, but I'd also be glad because being in a room full of children is not exactly my cup of tea. However, the fact that this is supposedly a really close friend of your husband's makes it seem like something else is wrong. If I were him, I'd call her and tell her that I miss her and that it seems like something is off about their relationship. Maybe there's pressure from her husband not to see you guys?

thisismynickname2 · June 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

Yes, it would bother me, but I'd also be glad because being in a room full of children is not exactly my cup of tea. However, the fact that this is supposedly a really close friend of your husband's makes it seem like something else is wrong. If I were him, I'd call her and tell her that I miss her and that it seems like something is off about their relationship. Maybe there's pressure from her husband not to see you guys?

We expect to see them in a couple weeks and we'll see how it goes. I doubt it's anything to do with the husband. They get along well; we've even seem him separately from her. I really just think it's the whole having-a-toddler thing.

But there's another good point above- others shouldn't decide for us whose kids we want to hang out with. All our friends have great kids (so far so good anyway, haha).

OurWildKingdom · June 2016

thisismynickname said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Yes, it would bother me, but I'd also be glad because being in a room full of children is not exactly my cup of tea. However, the fact that this is supposedly a really close friend of your husband's makes it seem like something else is wrong. If I were him, I'd call her and tell her that I miss her and that it seems like something is off about their relationship. Maybe there's pressure from her husband not to see you guys?

We expect to see them in a couple weeks and we'll see how it goes. I doubt it's anything to do with the husband. They get along well; we've even seem him separately from her. I really just think it's the whole having-a-toddler thing.

But there's another good point above- others shouldn't decide for us whose kids we want to hang out with. All our friends have great kids (so far so good anyway, haha).

Right? Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean that you don't want to spend time with kids.

DrillSergeantCat · June 2016

thisismynickname said:
We expect to see them in a couple weeks and we'll see how it goes. I doubt it's anything to do with the husband. They get along well; we've even seem him separately from her. I really just think it's the whole having-a-toddler thing.

But there's another good point above- others shouldn't decide for us whose kids we want to hang out with. All our friends have great kids (so far so good anyway, haha).

I agree with that. If you want to be there, there's no reason they should expect you not to want to. Maybe they just don't think you'd want to be there?

I'm just saying for me, I'd be happy not to be invited and to just get the kid a present the next time I saw him/her.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2016

thisismynickname said:

It seems the consensus is that it's just really about the kids. That makes me feel better. Maybe she didn't respond to the double date request because she was managing all the RSVPs to her party (snarky eye roll).

Thanks for listening! I think we're seeing them in a couple weeks at another friend's holiday BBQ. Life goes on

Have you or your DH actually asked his friend why you weren't included?

People on TK can only guess. If you are really bummed out about not being invited again, talk to your friends. Especially since the rest of DH's core group of friends are going.

thisismynickname2 · June 2016

PrettyGirlLost said:

thisismynickname said:

It seems the consensus is that it's just really about the kids. That makes me feel better. Maybe she didn't respond to the double date request because she was managing all the RSVPs to her party (snarky eye roll).

Thanks for listening! I think we're seeing them in a couple weeks at another friend's holiday BBQ. Life goes on

Have you or your DH actually asked his friend why you weren't included?

People on TK can only guess. If you are really bummed out about not being invited again, talk to your friends. Especially since the rest of DH's core group of friends are going.

You're totally right, but we're non-confrontational people.
I more posted it here to see if other people would be bothered by it too. Some said they would be, others have said in their experience kid parties are often just for kids.
Last year, when DH was bothered by it, he didn't say anything and the world didn't fall apart. So the odds of him saying anything this year are slim too. I'm not going to say anything simply because I don't have 20 years of history with that relationship.

MyNameIsNot · June 2016

OurWildKingdom said:

thisismynickname said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Yes, it would bother me, but I'd also be glad because being in a room full of children is not exactly my cup of tea. However, the fact that this is supposedly a really close friend of your husband's makes it seem like something else is wrong. If I were him, I'd call her and tell her that I miss her and that it seems like something is off about their relationship. Maybe there's pressure from her husband not to see you guys?

We expect to see them in a couple weeks and we'll see how it goes. I doubt it's anything to do with the husband. They get along well; we've even seem him separately from her. I really just think it's the whole having-a-toddler thing.

But there's another good point above- others shouldn't decide for us whose kids we want to hang out with. All our friends have great kids (so far so good anyway, haha).

Right? Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean that you don't want to spend time with kids.

But do you? Do you take an interest in this kid and her activities? Do you take her to the park or join a parent to take her to the zoo? I'm not suggesting that you have to do these things or that most childless couples would do, but those are the sort of things that show that you want to spend time with this kid.

I have this sort of relationship with my nephew and with my BFF's daughter. I would be hurt to be excluded from either of their bday parties. But for my other friends, I wouldn't expect to be invited to their kids' parties. I don't make any effort to have a relationship with their kids. After all, the party is about the kid, not the parents. Even if she is 3.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2016

thisismynickname said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

thisismynickname said:

It seems the consensus is that it's just really about the kids. That makes me feel better. Maybe she didn't respond to the double date request because she was managing all the RSVPs to her party (snarky eye roll).

Thanks for listening! I think we're seeing them in a couple weeks at another friend's holiday BBQ. Life goes on

Have you or your DH actually asked his friend why you weren't included?

People on TK can only guess. If you are really bummed out about not being invited again, talk to your friends. Especially since the rest of DH's core group of friends are going.

You're totally right, but we're non-confrontational people.
I more posted it here to see if other people would be bothered by it too. Some said they would be, others have said in their experience kid parties are often just for kids.
Last year, when DH was bothered by it, he didn't say anything and the world didn't fall apart. So the odds of him saying anything this year are slim too. I'm not going to say anything simply because I don't have 20 years of history with that relationship.

I think it's a shame that your husband was upset by something a friend of 20 years did (or really didn't do) and yet didn't feel comfortable to tell that friend, of 20 years, he felt left out and bummed.

Oh well guys, don't be too bummed

lyndausvi · June 2016

MyNameIsNot said:

OurWildKingdom said:

thisismynickname said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Yes, it would bother me, but I'd also be glad because being in a room full of children is not exactly my cup of tea. However, the fact that this is supposedly a really close friend of your husband's makes it seem like something else is wrong. If I were him, I'd call her and tell her that I miss her and that it seems like something is off about their relationship. Maybe there's pressure from her husband not to see you guys?

We expect to see them in a couple weeks and we'll see how it goes. I doubt it's anything to do with the husband. They get along well; we've even seem him separately from her. I really just think it's the whole having-a-toddler thing.

But there's another good point above- others shouldn't decide for us whose kids we want to hang out with. All our friends have great kids (so far so good anyway, haha).

Right? Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean that you don't want to spend time with kids.

But do you? Do you take an interest in this kid and her activities? Do you take her to the park or join a parent to take her to the zoo? I'm not suggesting that you have to do these things or that most childless couples would do, but those are the sort of things that show that you want to spend time with this kid.

I have this sort of relationship with my nephew and with my BFF's daughter. I would be hurt to be excluded from either of their bday parties. But for my other friends, I wouldn't expect to be invited to their kids' parties. I don't make any effort to have a relationship with their kids. After all, the party is about the kid, not the parents. Even if she is 3.

This.

1st b-day parties are more about the parents than the kids. As the kids gets older the party becomes about them (as it should). If you have no relation with the kid other than it's a friend's kid, I'm not sure why you "expect" to be invited.

The friends with kids mostly like have play dates and such. Their kid is the one being invited, not the parents. The parents are more likely invited as a default because their kid is too young to be dropped off.

Now if they are not getting together with you for other things, then you might have a friend issue. And sadly it happens. Many couples go through Ebb and Flo situations with their friends. Especially with childless ones.

I'm childless and I have some friends whose kids I'm close too on our own (i.e. I babysit them, take just the kid out to the park, zoo, mall, whatever), so the parents and I are still close. I have other friends whose kids I never really connected with for one reason or another. We only get together once in a while. NBD.

Would this bother you?

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