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Groomsman Help

whoabetherswhoabethers member
25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited July 2016 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I need some advice, guys. We've had our bridal party picked for months, and our wedding is August 27th. It's mixed gender - 4 gals and 1 guy on my side, and 2 gals and 3 guys on FI's side. One of FI's groomsmen wrote on my FB today that he won't be at the wedding. I honestly don't give a hoot about having even sides - it just happened to work out that we each have 5 people we consider our support systems. So I guess now my question is - do I keep him listed on our wedding website and still put him in the program since he was originally a groomsman, even though he's not going? 

A little backstory: he does merchant work for the military so he "ships out" usually in 60 day increments, and I guess when he's on the ship, he can't leave at all. To be honest, I'm peeved because even though he's out for 60 days at a time, he CHOOSES when to ship out, and he's known about the wedding since November. And I know FI is really hurt because this is his cousin and one of the very, very few people FI is close to. AND FI found out he wasn't going BECAUSE of this FB post. He didn't even tell him in person or with a phone call.

What does etiquette say in this situation? I'm trying not to let me emotions dictate what to do!
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Re: Groomsman Help

  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would list him. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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  • whoabetherswhoabethers member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I wouldn't have expected him to rearrange something he already had planned. That's the point. He plans his own work schedule when he wants. He's been taking months off at a time since I've known him and chooses new work based on what he wants to do or where he wants to live - which is fine. He's an adult, he can do whatever he wants. To me, it's a blatant "I don't really wanna go to your wedding" kind of thing. Didn't know if that qualified taking him off the program.
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  • floridabride44floridabride44 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    List him. Yes it's unfortunate he can't come, and yes it was worse to inform you via a Facebook post... but if the guy is still important to your FH, then it would be a nice thing to still list him as a groomsman. 
    --

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  • whoabetherswhoabethers member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2016
    @LtPowers I thought it might get confusing too (aside from the fact I'm just annoyed in general lol)
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    LtPowers said:
    I'm going to disagree here. Aside from the fact that programs are entirely unnecessary, it's confusing for your guests to have someone listed who isn't present. There's also no need for separate categories for "people who agreed to be in our wedding party" and "people who we totally asked but they didn't want to do it".
    How is it confusing? Things happen. If I even care, I can figure out that someone listed isn't there for whatever reason. I'm not going to be all, "Wait? What? This says Joe Smith. I only count 4. There are 5 listed. WHERE IS JOE SMITH? I'm so confused by these names not matching up to the numbers!" 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
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  • whoabetherswhoabethers member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thank you, @photokitty! I was starting to feel like I had no reason to be mad here.... Like how is this so easily shrugged off??

    My FI is so upset, and I feel so bad for him. I'm going to talk to him after work to see what he wants to do about the program.
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  • whoabetherswhoabethers member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thanks! Programs haven't been printed yet (and aren't even really designed yet), so that will be a non-issue!
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited July 2016
    themosthappy91 said:
    photokitty said:
    I'd be pissed as hell if my friend posted on my fiance's wall that he wasn't coming to the wedding, after agreeing to be in the wedding party. If you can't even give me the courtesy of a damn phone call, that would be a friendship ending move for me. I'd cut you from the program and my life. Seriously, a fucking Facebook post - that's the definition of rude. 

    Let your FI decide what he wants to do. If he wants to list him, it should be his call. A true friend would have at least written it on his wall, not yours. Not that doing that would be acceptable either.
    Haha I was thinking the ladies here must be much harder to rile up than I am because this was more in-line with my thought process when reading the original post... seriously? I would be SO hurt and offended if one of my bridesmaids had informed me she could no longer make the wedding IN A FACEBOOK POST THAT WAS NOT EVEN ON MY OWN WALL!

    Seriously, I'd take a text message because some people are conflict averse and won't pick up a damn phone to save their lives, but a public Facebook post on a significant other's wall is horrible! I'm not sure it'd be friendship-ending but it would definitely make me feel a lot less close to them than I thought I was.

    It's your FI's call but I wouldn't list him assuming the programs aren't already done- and I say that not out of spite but just because I think he's not part of the wedding party, same as if you'd asked him and he'd declined in the first place. I wouldn't have the programs redone if they are already printed though.
    Yeah, DH talked me down from the friendship ending ultimatum...I was pretty riled up for OPs FI. I'm not a fan of posting personal messages on FB to begin with, so that didn't help. I'd be hurt as hell. IMO, I still wouldn't list him as a groomsman. A true groomsman would never pull such a dick move.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    WHY IS QUOTING NOT WORKING THIS MORNING TECH GODS!!!!!

    I was trying to quote Photokitty for the win.  If this guy didn't have the common courtesy to call and talk to OP and her FI about not being at the wedding and just put it out on FB, I wouldn't list him.  That was some pretty cold stuff right there.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    The GM should have had the common decency to call the groom, who thought enough of him to include him in his wedding party. Let your fi decide if he wants to list him in the program or not. It's up to him. But ending the relationship seems harsh, unless this cousin is a repeat offender.
                       
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  • mntravelingmamamntravelingmama member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments
    I wouldn't list him.  He is not standing up for you, literally or figuratively, and not taking part in any wedding festivities, much less even been considerate enough to give your FI a call.  Doesn't have to be friendship ending, but I think now you know where you stand.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I wouldn't be mad at this GM because he chose to work over your wedding (sad he can't come? Sure), but I would be mad with how he dealt with the situation. He should have contacted your FI directly and told him about the situation.

    As for what is next- that is for your FI to decide. I think he should contact his GM and have a good talk with him. If they are very close, I think this is a must, or else the relationship will always suffer. But it's up to FI to decide if this is a friendship ending move or not and whether he would like him mentioned in the program or not.
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2016
    scribe95 said:
    Just to be clear - he posted on FB when he is shipping out right? And that means given the 60 days he can't attend the wedding. That is way different than posting "won't be going to your wedding" which is how some of these posts sounded. He didn't say anything in the post about missing the wedding.

    I do agree he should have called when he had firm ship out date to tell your FI but I'm not going to second guess him. Maybe if he waited he would have to work holidays he didn't want to. Maybe he needed the money. That is his business. 
    OP literally said "One of FI's groomsmen wrote on my FB today that he won't be at the wedding." I took that to mean he posted specifically on her wall saying he was working and wouldn't be able to make it- it wasn't just a general status update saying "I ship out X day" directed at the general public. 
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  • SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    I think the level of hurt and anger that is appropriate here really depends on what exactly was said on facebook.  On the one hand it could be something like "Hey whoabethers, I am so sorry to have to tell you that I won't be able to make it to your wedding.  I got a contract that I just couldn't turn down.  I will be there in spirit, and on the 27th I will raise a glass to you from the middle of the ocean."  In that case I would be sad and maybe a teeny bit self-indulgently hurt for a bit but not angry.  Everyone has lives to coordinate outside of the wedding, and it is way to much to ask someone to dedicate a 60 day block of unemployment one event of yours.

    On the other hand, if he posted "FYI not coming to the wedding" then I would be pissed as well as hurt.  It's one thing to have to withdraw from the wedding party but an entirely different thing to flippantly blow it off like that.  

    Either way, I wouldn't list this guy in the program.  If he's not standing up there at the front of the venue on the wedding day, he's not a groomsman.  That is literally all there is to being in the wedding party--dressing appropriately and standing there.  It's a simple as that; not standing there=not a groomsman.  And random good friends who are not in the wedding party aren't listed in the programs.

    Oh, and as far as his reaching out to you instead of his buddy the groom, I have a theory.  It is such a trope that the wedding is THE BRIDE'S DAY that he may have felt like you were the one he had to answer to about his absence.  I could be wrong, and it's kind of gross and sexist anyway, but that's where I would be placing my bets.
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  • LtPowersLtPowers member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    SaintPaulGal said:

    Either way, I wouldn't list this guy in the program.  If he's not standing up there at the front of the venue on the wedding day, he's not a groomsman.  That is literally all there is to being in the wedding party--dressing appropriately and standing there.  It's a simple as that; not standing there=not a groomsman.  And random good friends who are not in the wedding party aren't listed in the programs.
    Thank you for saying this better than I could.


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  • whoabetherswhoabethers member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    themosthappy91 said:
    scribe95 said:
    Just to be clear - he posted on FB when he is shipping out right? And that means given the 60 days he can't attend the wedding. That is way different than posting "won't be going to your wedding" which is how some of these posts sounded. He didn't say anything in the post about missing the wedding.

    I do agree he should have called when he had firm ship out date to tell your FI but I'm not going to second guess him. Maybe if he waited he would have to work holidays he didn't want to. Maybe he needed the money. That is his business. 
    OP literally said "One of FI's groomsmen wrote on my FB today that he won't be at the wedding." I took that to mean he posted specifically on her wall saying he was working and wouldn't be able to make it- it wasn't just a general status update saying "I ship out X day" directed at the general public. 


    No, he did not post that he is shipping out. We only know that for certain because his sister told us. He did, indeed, write on my FB "I'm sad I won't make it to your wedding but you are marrying a hell of a guy and that's the most important thing!" It was directed at me and not just a generic, "I'm shipping out" post to his FB friends.
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  • whoabetherswhoabethers member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thanks, everyone! FI and I have talked a lot about it this weekend, and we won't be listing this groomsman anywhere. 
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