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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest list questions AGAIN

Guest list trouble AGAIN

As you may have noticed now, I'm having a small wedding. I love this yet I'm still sad about the people I had to cut out. 

Our rsvp date is one month before the wedding (is this too early? Caterer seems really flexible. Hasn't given us a deadline. Just to "let us know of any changes")

My FI brother and girlfriend are being really flippant about flights. He keeps saying "when I get the money. " I was trying to help by looking up flights: there are between 1-3 seats left on EVERY flight I looked at. (Wedding is 3
months away) Brother keeps saying he isn't sure when he will have the money for a flight as he is making barely enough for bills (he brought it up, not us)

If he still isn't sure about flights by one month before (the RSVP date), can I let two other friends know I would love for them to come?

I have some questions with this 

1) if I'm upfront with these friends about circumstances...I would let them know it's an intimate wedding with family and friends. (She already knows we've grown apart as we've talked about this many times. Our challenge is really just distance. We stil consider each other close friends) and I would have loved to have included her and FI on original guest list, but was unable to, would this be super offensive? (I never had a b-list!) this is legit the reason. We just didn't have the space to invite her and FI

2) should I just not invite anyone else and still tell the caterer x amount of people even tho it may, in reality, be less people attending? (We have included more people in the number just to make sure there is extra food. The problem is space in the wedding tent) Maybe brother and girlfriend end up being able to come very last minute. 

Again, I'm very happy with having a small wedding and don't want to offend anyone.  But I'm also sad I didn't get to invite my close friends as they are more important than my family. [He has the most guests. More family than friends. I have no family other than parents (I do not have a good relationship with any other than my parents) and mostly friends as they are my family. I am okay with this as I LOVE his family and would honestly be super sad if his brother and girlfriend (he's a groomsman and she a bridesmaid) did not come. But at the same time, I want to be realistic with last minute changes, but also with the chance  to be able to invite more of my "family") 

I am really trying to approach this as etiquettely as possible. I will be open to any and all criticism.  

Re: Guest list questions AGAIN

  • He asked for me to look up flights for them. 

    But thank you for your honest opinions. 
  • From what I've read and seen, two weeks is the standard for RSVP. I've never heard of a caterer who needed a guest count more than a week in advance, and I was an event planner for three years (for a professional society, not in general).
  • DD's caterer needed the headcount 10 days prior. Three weeks out was plenty of time for RSVPs. Do not add extra counts to ensure enough food. Caterer that are experienced will know how to account for enough food. Don't B list your friend.
  •  Thank you for your advice! I wasn't sure if this would have been considered b listing or not (I had a friend do this to me for her wedding and I didn't see it as blisting. Was just happy I got to go after all)

    we  will just leave things as is and I'll push back my rsvp date. (When I initially looked up timelines I saw a month out was proper and another of my friends who is getting married around the same time has her RSVP set a month out too) 
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @PaperTigersx,  a cousin of DD's FI was supposed to be a groomsman.  We found out the day of the rehearsal that he and his GF would not be flying in for the wedding.  I want to reassure you that it created NO hassle whatsoever in terms of quickly readjusting the processional and recessional.  It was also a non-issue that their names remained in the ceremony program.

    I know you and your FI prefer that his brother attend.  Stuff happens, and life, and weddings, will go on.  Perhaps they are hedging their bets and hoping for good last minute deals.  In any event, I would drop the issue.  Let them handle their own responsibilities.

    Good luck!  Get excited about the good things happening!
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Our venue requested numbers 14 days in advance, so our RSVP date was 3 weeks prior.

    I would ask when your caterer/venue wants hard numbers- they might want soft numbers 2 weeks out but hard numbers a week or only a few days before. You should very likely be able to move up your RSVP date to give your guests more time.

    As for BIL- personally, I would include him and his SO in the guest list count. It's only 2 extra people, and I would hope that if he told you the day before the wedding, "guess what! We can come!" that you'd be happy to have him there rather than thinking, "Oh shit! But I invited my friend". Shit happens. We had 3 people no-show at our wedding- nothing we could do about it then. We also had a fair number of declines after RSVPs came in, as we had a fair number of OOT guests- it just meant we came in under budget. Some of these declines were good friends, so you betcha if they had called us up a week before and said something changed and they would still like to attend I would have said heck yeah! and figured it out with the venue later- I had budgeted for them to be there.

    What you are proposing to your friend is the definition of B-listing- inviting more guests if a previous guest declines. Just say no! While there are some people who would not be offended by it, it still puts you in a bad position as I noted above- what if 2 weeks before the wedding future BIL can make it? What are you going to do? Tell him no? While I generally think once a guest has RSVP'd No and numbers have gone into your venue, then you aren't required to accommodate that guest, this is your FBIL we're talking about. This is the decision you make when creating your guest list- everyone has to draw the line somewhere, you and your FI have chosen it.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2016
    I would stop looking up flights for your FBIL and his girlfriend and have your FI tell them, "Either you're coming or you're not, but it's not our job to plan your transportation. You need to do that on your own."

    But if you want to invite these other friends, then you need to budget for them and invite them along with everyone else. You can't make anyone's invitation contingent on someone else's not attending. That's B-listing, and it's a slap in their face. Don't do it.
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Guest list trouble AGAIN

    As you may have noticed now, I'm having a small wedding. I love this yet I'm still sad about the people I had to cut out. 

    Our rsvp date is one month before the wedding (is this too early? Caterer seems really flexible. Hasn't given us a deadline. Just to "let us know of any changes")

    My FI brother and girlfriend are being really flippant about flights. He keeps saying "when I get the money. " I was trying to help by looking up flights: there are between 1-3 seats left on EVERY flight I looked at. (Wedding is 3
    months away) Brother keeps saying he isn't sure when he will have the money for a flight as he is making barely enough for bills (he brought it up, not us)

    If he still isn't sure about flights by one month before (the RSVP date), can I let two other friends know I would love for them to come?

    I have some questions with this 

    1) if I'm upfront with these friends about circumstances...I would let them know it's an intimate wedding with family and friends. (She already knows we've grown apart as we've talked about this many times. Our challenge is really just distance. We stil consider each other close friends) and I would have loved to have included her and FI on original guest list, but was unable to, would this be super offensive? (I never had a b-list!) this is legit the reason. We just didn't have the space to invite her and FI

    2) should I just not invite anyone else and still tell the caterer x amount of people even tho it may, in reality, be less people attending? (We have included more people in the number just to make sure there is extra food. The problem is space in the wedding tent) Maybe brother and girlfriend end up being able to come very last minute. 

    Again, I'm very happy with having a small wedding and don't want to offend anyone.  But I'm also sad I didn't get to invite my close friends as they are more important than my family. [He has the most guests. More family than friends. I have no family other than parents (I do not have a good relationship with any other than my parents) and mostly friends as they are my family. I am okay with this as I LOVE his family and would honestly be super sad if his brother and girlfriend (he's a groomsman and she a bridesmaid) did not come. But at the same time, I want to be realistic with last minute changes, but also with the chance  to be able to invite more of my "family") 

    I am really trying to approach this as etiquettely as possible. I will be open to any and all criticism.  

    With so many statements where you try to assure us how happy you are with your decision, I am beginning to wonder if you really are.  Are you having the wedding you want, or is someone else calling the shots?
  • Our RSVP due date was one month in advance, and I think it worked out well and was a pretty typical response timeline. We then had one week to look out for late responders, and most of our RSVP trickled in the week after the "due date." Possibly because we asked for responses too early, but also possibly because a lot of people don't put the card in the mail until the due date, meaning we won't receive them till later. After that, we had a week to call non-responders and confirm who will actually be there, which was great because it turned out a few folks never received the invite. Our caterer requested a close as possible count 2 weeks in advance so they could figure out staff scheduling and to know how much food to order, because it's not like they just get it from the grocery... and allowed for a change of +/- 5-10 meals right up until our actual wedding dinner.

    It's not your responsibility to book your FBIL's flights. That is his. He will either do it or not.

    Do not fill declining guests' seats with someone else. That is B listing and is incredibly rude.
  • PaperTigersxPaperTigersx member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2016
    kaos16 said:
    Guest list trouble AGAIN

    As you may have noticed now, I'm having a small wedding. I love this yet I'm still sad about the people I had to cut out. 

    Our rsvp date is one month before the wedding (is this too early? Caterer seems really flexible. Hasn't given us a deadline. Just to "let us know of any changes")

    My FI brother and girlfriend are being really flippant about flights. He keeps saying "when I get the money. " I was trying to help by looking up flights: there are between 1-3 seats left on EVERY flight I looked at. (Wedding is 3
    months away) Brother keeps saying he isn't sure when he will have the money for a flight as he is making barely enough for bills (he brought it up, not us)

    If he still isn't sure about flights by one month before (the RSVP date), can I let two other friends know I would love for them to come?

    I have some questions with this 

    1) if I'm upfront with these friends about circumstances...I would let them know it's an intimate wedding with family and friends. (She already knows we've grown apart as we've talked about this many times. Our challenge is really just distance. We stil consider each other close friends) and I would have loved to have included her and FI on original guest list, but was unable to, would this be super offensive? (I never had a b-list!) this is legit the reason. We just didn't have the space to invite her and FI

    2) should I just not invite anyone else and still tell the caterer x amount of people even tho it may, in reality, be less people attending? (We have included more people in the number just to make sure there is extra food. The problem is space in the wedding tent) Maybe brother and girlfriend end up being able to come very last minute. 

    Again, I'm very happy with having a small wedding and don't want to offend anyone.  But I'm also sad I didn't get to invite my close friends as they are more important than my family. [He has the most guests. More family than friends. I have no family other than parents (I do not have a good relationship with any other than my parents) and mostly friends as they are my family. I am okay with this as I LOVE his family and would honestly be super sad if his brother and girlfriend (he's a groomsman and she a bridesmaid) did not come. But at the same time, I want to be realistic with last minute changes, but also with the chance  to be able to invite more of my "family") 

    I am really trying to approach this as etiquettely as possible. I will be open to any and all criticism.  

    With so many statements where you try to assure us how happy you are with your decision, I am beginning to wonder if you really are.  Are you having the wedding you want, or is someone else calling the shots?
    I'm just used to seeing responses where people would call me out for not owning my small wedding. So I was trying to catch that before it happened. Didn't mean for it to seem that way. 

    I will not b list my friend. And FI will have to talk to his brother about the travel stuff since the brother keeps asking us to check on flights for him. 

    Bolding important parts. 

    I have another problem with the wedding list again. I don't want to make another thread because I've definitely made enough. But I feel like if I had made another it would be labeled something like "how not to throw a wedding" as I keep messing up left and right. (I wish I had found these boards way before I started planning!)

    The extended family has invited another person to the wedding. Invites have not gone out yet. Through a group text about wedding related things, aunt X said "instead of uncle Y coming, cousin Z is now my date!" 
    I was not in this group text and FI Was at work unable to read them. Later on we get a text from cousin Z "so excited  about your wedding!"

    What do I do??
    Save the dates were sent specifically to aunt X and uncle Y. not a plus one. 
    Invites have not gone out yet. 

    Cousin Z has a boyfriend. 

    I'm aware I should have planned from the start for more people. But when we agreed on a budget, guest list and picked a "venue" (my parents house) it was a ten person wedding. The list grew and we were able to accommodate as technically there was extra room. 

    FYI: FI and I had agreed upon no cousins being invited to the wedding due to our fiances. It was originally a parents siblings, close friends affair. 
    (We then ended up inviting aunts, uncles, grandparents) 

    None of my family besides mom and dad were invited as I do not have a relationship with them. In place of that, I invited 4 friends and their husbands and fiances. 

    This is probably where I messed up. I should have invited the whole family on his side. I was thinking it would have been fine to not invite cousins and just the parents due to the wedding being "small and intimate". maybe this wasn't the case. If I had invited his entire family, I would not be in this predicament. (I'm owning up to that fact that I really made a fool out of myself with this wedding stuff by honestly not realizing I was being a jerk) however, we would have been unable to invite any of my friends who are my "family" if we had invited all of his real family.  (This is probably me being a selfish person. family should have come before friends.  We compromised in that we would invite aunts and uncles and no cousins so I could have my close friends. Hindsight is 20/20) 

    Back to my question: 

     Since aunt X Invited cousin Z in place of uncle Y, do I still need to invite cousins boyfriend? Do I now need to replan things AGAIN because now I need to invite the four other cousins because this cousin is now invited?

    I do not really want to tell the cousin she can't come. Plus that might be rude anyway because now she's been told she can come? I feel that just places me in another bad spot where I'm saying "I don't care about your daughter and don't want her at my wedding" 

    My parents have been helping out a lot with the wedding financially and physically and my mom doesn't really want more invites being sent out. Non refundable  deposits have already been placed on  things  and it's really too late to change where the wedding is. But we're both confused about what to do with the boyfriend. 

    One more person probably won't hurt (other than hurting my moms anxiety level at this point) but it's just making me sick to my stomach that the list somehow keeps growing. (To the point where we have now moved it outside under a tent.) 

    Eta: FI is still okay with not extending invites to the other cousins. I am trying not to make his family hate me even more by one now being invited and not the rest. His stance is more "they'll understand" 
    I'm not so sure about that though. 
  • Since cousin is replacing uncle, I don't think you should have to extend an invite to the boyfriend. I could be wrong, but to me the aunt's date is the only thing that's changed.
  • Since cousin is replacing uncle, I don't think you should have to extend an invite to the boyfriend. I could be wrong, but to me the aunt's date is the only thing that's changed.
    Thank you. I'm trying not to step on anymore toes as I have already done enough of that throughout my planning heh. 
  • I read the bolded (skimmed the rest) and you have a few options 1) you can tell your aunt that the invitation is for her and her husband and you're sorry, but it is not transferable. Or 2) you can let her bring the cousin in place of husband, but not invite her partner or 3) invite aunt and let her bring cousin and her partner. 

    I would recommend option 1. Just because someone "asks" to bring someone else does not mean you have to let them especially if it means potentially having other family members be hurt or extending the guest list beyond your means. It's perfectly acceptable to say no to the aunt. 
  • I read the bolded (skimmed the rest) and you have a few options 1) you can tell your aunt that the invitation is for her and her husband and you're sorry, but it is not transferable. Or 2) you can let her bring the cousin in place of husband, but not invite her partner or 3) invite aunt and let her bring cousin and her partner. 

    I would recommend option 1. Just because someone "asks" to bring someone else does not mean you have to let them especially if it means potentially having other family members be hurt or extending the guest list beyond your means. It's perfectly acceptable to say no to the aunt. 
    Does this hold true if cousin has already texted us about how she's excited about the wedding? Aunt didn't ask. She just went ahead and told her daughter she was invited. 
  • @PaperTigersx- I think it absolutely holds true - even if Aunt made the mistake of asking her daughter to attend the wedding in her husbands place. It's Aunts fault for jumping the gun and assuming invites are transferable - they are not tickets, after all! And it's Aunt's job to correct it. Aunt might be a bit mad that you aren't willing to transfer guests, but that is something SHE will need to accept and deal with, if you choose to go that route. You aren't disinviting the cousin by communicating this with the Aunt, you're just clarifying what you already told her - which is that the invite is for Aunt and Uncle only.
  • Stop beating yourself up about this. You haven't done anything wrong. Just call cousin and say you are sorry for the confusion but she, and all the other cousins, are not invited because you are keeping things very small. 
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with the above. Related to your last question OP, you have done nothing wrong here! You were not obligated to invite the whole family, don't feel bad about it. Don't go trying to change your venue or invite more people.

    As for FI's aunt, it is perfectly acceptable to tell Aunt, "Sorry the invite is only for you and Uncle Jack". If you don't care, let her bring her daughter instead, but no, you are not required to invite cousin's SO now too. This is your Aunt subbing in a guest, not you inviting FI's cousin as a guest.

    If you do decide not to allow cousin to come, it's on FI's aunt to tell her daughter. Aunt made the faux pas, not you. You really don't have to explain yourself- the true answer is, "The invitation was for you and Uncle Jack". If she persists, you can say that you don't want to have one of the cousin's invited and possibly make the others feel left out, but you really don't need to explain yourself.
  • The aunt was 100% in the wrong to invite someone else to your wedding.  She's not the one getting married, she's not the one hosting, she doesn't get a say in who is there.  You would be 100% within your rights to tell her that the invite was for her and her husband only, and they are not allowed to sub in a completely different individual.

    However, being in the right is not always the same as doing the right thing.  In this case, I think the right thing would be to let the cousin come as the aunt's date.  You have already budgeted and planned for a party of two with Aunt and Uncle.  Unless there is some sort of bad blood between you and the cousin, I don't see the harm in the swap.  You don't have to invite the other cousins or this cousin's SO if this cousin is there as the aunt's +1.  

    If you would prefer the cousin not be there, you are under no obligation to allow it.  But I do think it's the nicest way to treat people.

    A side note: please stop beating yourself up about the family thing.  I completely disagree that family is somehow automatically more important or meaningful than friends simply because you happen to share some strands of DNA.  I am a firm believer that the people at your wedding should be the people you feel closest to.  I don't have any desire to invite my cousins to my wedding; there is zero animosity there, no big family trauma or anything, I just am not remotely close to them.  I'm sure they are lovely people, and I am sure I would be in no way harmed by having them there, but there are many, many people with whom I have a much closer bond of actual friendship.

    @SaintPaulGal I mostly think your advice is spot on, but I think the "harm" is that her other cousins may feel slighted, like, "why was cousin X there but I was not". I don't know what the family dynamics are, but I think OP is being smart by anticipating that. I agree that she is under no obligation to invite cousins SO and she shouldn't feel bad about having friends there that are extremely important to her.
  • I read the bolded (skimmed the rest) and you have a few options 1) you can tell your aunt that the invitation is for her and her husband and you're sorry, but it is not transferable. Or 2) you can let her bring the cousin in place of husband, but not invite her partner or 3) invite aunt and let her bring cousin and her partner. 

    I would recommend option 1. Just because someone "asks" to bring someone else does not mean you have to let them especially if it means potentially having other family members be hurt or extending the guest list beyond your means. It's perfectly acceptable to say no to the aunt. 
    Does this hold true if cousin has already texted us about how she's excited about the wedding? Aunt didn't ask. She just went ahead and told her daughter she was invited. 
    Sure does. Just bc she told cousin they were invited doesn't mean you actually have to invite cousin. I would put an end to this now (even if it's before invited go out) by saying "aunt I love you and am happy you're coming to the wedding. I'm sorry but the invitation is for you and uncle X, and we can't accommodate any substitutions". You may need to clarify with cousin and say "I'm sorry, but you're mom should never have extended the inviting. We're happy you're excited for us but unfortunately we cannot invite everyone that we would have liked to."

    Your aunt was in the wrong here, not you. 
  • Thank you so much for all your Input. 
    I don't have anything against FI cousin coming. Was just worried about the other cousins as I don't want them to think we were excluding them (I haven't met any of them yet.) 

    I feel better knowing I don't have to extend an invite to the boyfriend. 
    FI and I agreed we will let cousin come as her aunts plus one. Just holding my breath that this wont create any waves :x
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