Moms and Maids

Honoring My mom who passed without hurting new moms feelings

Hi All, I have kind of a different situation and I'm not entirely sure how to handle it. I could use some advice!

I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 7 years old. My dad re-married when I was 10 to the most incredible woman, she stepped in to raise me and my 2 sisters without batting an eye. When I was 16 she officially adopted my sisters and I. We have a great relationship but I know she often worries that i'm "disappointed" that shes the one here instead of my birth mom. Which is and isn't true, i miss my mom like crazy but couldnt feel any happier with my new mom.

I want to find a way to honor my birth mom at our wedding, all 3 sides of the family will be present so I want to be able to acknowledge in front of everyone that we wish my mom was here, but do it without hurting my new mom's feelings and making her feel like she's not as important.

sorry, I know that's long and complicated but any advice would be much appreciated!

Re: Honoring My mom who passed without hurting new moms feelings

  • Thank you! Great ideas!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited June 2016
    Hi All, I have kind of a different situation and I'm not entirely sure how to handle it. I could use some advice!

    I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 7 years old. My dad re-married when I was 10 to the most incredible woman, she stepped in to raise me and my 2 sisters without batting an eye. When I was 16 she officially adopted my sisters and I. We have a great relationship but I know she often worries that i'm "disappointed" that shes the one here instead of my birth mom. Which is and isn't true, i miss my mom like crazy but couldnt feel any happier with my new mom.

    I want to find a way to honor my birth mom at our wedding, all 3 sides of the family will be present so I want to be able to acknowledge in front of everyone that we wish my mom was here, but do it without hurting my new mom's feelings and making her feel like she's not as important.

    sorry, I know that's long and complicated but any advice would be much appreciated!


    Subtle touches will be key here.  I would have a small picture of your birth mom attached to your bouquet.  If you have anything of your mom's that is blue, you can also stich it into the underside of your dress.  You can play your mom's favorite song and dance your heart out to it with her family.  Also, if you have a program, you can mention her in the memorial section.  If you have family photos on display, use one from both your dad's weddings. 

    If new mom keeps lamenting about you being disappointed that your birth mom isn't here, acknowledge it.  But also reassure new mom that she is the next best thing.  That she raised you to be the woman you are today and that you love her and are happy to have her in your life.

    It doesn't even have to be blue to be sewn to your dress. But these are beautiful ideas.

    One other thing you can do is leave flowers from your bouquet on your mother's grave if it is nearby.

    What should be avoided are "reserved" empty seats or place settings for your mother, lit candles in conspicuous areas, large stand-alone photos of your mother, or other really conspicuous gestures at your wedding that come off as mourning gestures.
    OurWildKingdommadamerwin
  • Agree with PPs.  Wear a piece of your birth mom's jewelry or find a piece you like with her birthstone. 

    As far as recognizing any memorials publicly, short of a mention in your program or any prayers appropriate to your ceremony, I would really think hard about whether or not that would cause others more grief and potential turn your wedding into a memorial.  You can incorporate your birth mom in subtle ways that people might recognize without pointing them out.  You can play her favorite song during the reception.  You could incorporate a favorite food into your menu.  You could offer her favorite sweet or chocolate as your favor. 
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    OurWildKingdomSP29
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Your mom must realize that you miss your birth mother. She probably would be happy to help you with a subtle memorial for your birth mother. I would suggest a donation in memory of your mother to a breast cancer fund or a local charity that helps cancer patients. 
                       
    OurWildKingdomCMGragain
  • The others have it pretty well covered - avoid turning things into "Memorial Service 2.0", hence subtle things that you can know, but most guests would miss...  Things like if there is a piece of your Mom's jewelry you could wear for your something old...  or if you're religious and your church has prayer candles to light one in her honor without bringing attention to it..  or a favorite flower incorporated into your bouquet.  Or a favorite food/dessert incorporated into the meal. 

    Maybe do a planter of your wedding flowers that you leave at the cemetery to grow over the year..  Or take some flowers in water pics to the Oncology unit to give to those going through treatment.. 

    One thing I'd encourage you to do is to talk to your new Mom about her feelings and that your Birth Mom is there with you in spirit and how blessed you are to have had both in your life and to make the time special with her through the process.  It's an emotional time for her too, and you want to know what she's comfortable with as well because she may not be sure of her role nor that it is really o.k. for her to "be the Mom" and enjoy the moment!

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    ILoveBeachMusicOurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 Clare Island member
    Sixth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    If "new mom" came into the family when OP was 10, she's not exactly "new mom." She's been around for 10+ years. She may be the only mom figure many of the guests will have known. Keep the memory touches very subtle.
    OurWildKingdom
  • Thank you so much everyone for your excellent ideas!
  • If "new mom" came into the family when OP was 10, she's not exactly "new mom." She's been around for 10+ years. She may be the only mom figure many of the guests will have known. Keep the memory touches very subtle.

    The OP refers to her in the original post as "New Mom" hence why she's being referred to as such...
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  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 Clare Island member
    Sixth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    >>The OP refers to her in the original post as "New Mom" hence why she's being referred to as such... <<

    I know. Maybe it's time for OP to think of some new way to refer to the woman who has been a mom to her for a very long time.

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She absolutely is my mom, I love them both equally, but it often gets confusing when writing out my situation so I use "new mom" simply for clarity sake.
    This is what I thought when I read your post.
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEweOliveOilsMom
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