Another letter where I'd love the other side's perspective.

mrsconn23 · July 2016

Dear Prudence,
Twenty-five years ago I was raped by my cousin. With the help of my minister, I took a break from college and delivered a baby girl and never told a soul. I gave the baby up for adoption and was promised anonymity. I transferred to a school on the opposite coast and only returned home for my grandparents' funerals and the marriage of my brothers. I have since built a beautiful life—my own business, a loving marriage, and two sons. None of that matters anymore. There is a girl stalking my family because of some DNA registry. I have gotten letters at both my home and business, my parents have gotten them, my son has gotten Facebook requests, and she even had the gall to call me at home. I am sick, emotionally, physically, and socially. I don't want this, I never wanted this, and it is bringing back every black memory of that year. My husband wants to file a restraining order and told my sons that this girl is “sick in the head.” I want my life back, I want to be happy again, I don't want my skin to crawl when my husband touches me because I have flashbacks. I did the right thing—I had the baby and gave her up to a good family. I have told her I am not her mother and to leave me in peace. She won't. She is vicious and relentless and exactly like her father. What can I do?

—The Past Never Dies

ShesSoCold · July 2016

Oh god. Wow. I feel bad for LW but worse for the daughter.

missJeanLouise · July 2016

This is sad all around. It is too bad the minister did help her press charges against the cousin. It sounds like the family doesn't know about the daughter. Maybe if the help she received did more than try to sweep this under the rug, LW would have better coping skills for this. Sounds like she needs therapy and a meeting with an attorney who specializes in apodtion cases to see if she has any rights to privacy. A restraining order won't stop daughter from harassing the family.

VarunaTT · July 2016

This is horrible for everyone involved.

DrillSergeantCat · July 2016

I'd definitely like to know what is being said that is considered vicious. If it's as I suspect, and the viciousness is just that she's trying to contact her birth mother then LW needs to bite the bullet and tell her the circumstances of her birth and explain why she doesn't want to be contacted. If after that, she continues to attempt to contact LW, LW should take legal action.

charlotte989875 · July 2016

If there was an attorney or agency that assured with the adoption now is the time to contact them. LW and her family has a right to privacy. An adoption attorney (even if not the original) can work with her to draft communication to the woman to communicate that she does not want to have contact.

I feel for the woman and understand wanting to know about her birth mother, but that doesn't give her a right to repeatedly contact her or family members. It also sounds like everyone could use some counseling.

Heffalump · July 2016

I really want to know more about what this girl is doing.

The LW says the daughter is stalking them, but then mentions:

a) letters from the daughter at home and at work (one each? was she maybe not sure she had the right person and tried both? or are they getting letters on a daily basis?)

b) her parents have gotten letters--again, how many? And again, is the LW unhinged, or just not sure if she has the right person and is casting a wide net?

c) same deal with the Facebook requests. Also, is the LW exaggerating? I thought if you sent a request and the person didn't respond, you couldn't send more, for this very reason?

d) calling the LW at home--to me, this really depends on whether it was before or after the LW said she wasn't the woman's mother. Did she write the LW back and say "You have the wrong person?" and leave it at that--at which point, I wouldn't be surprised if the LW kept trying since she may not even know that the phone number and the address are for the same person. (Especially if the LW is named something like Susan Jones--who knows how many dead ends the daughter has been down?)

e) husband telling the kids this girl is "sick in the head." Maybe. But I haven't seen it yet. Is she threatening them in some way? Or is she just trying to find information? In the absence of bunny boiling, sick in the head seems like a big stretch. Ditto for "vicious."

IF this LW hasn't laid out the facts for this woman yet, I would. Explain that the circumstances of her birth were very painful, the LW has moved on, and she would prefer not to be contacted again for any reason. Then if the daughter keeps at it, the LW can escalate. But it's not entirely clear that the LW has done anything but dodge, and maybe she's being unintentionally ambiguous.

Oh, and therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. It feels like the LW stuffed this all down and never really dealt with it.

DrillSergeantCat · July 2016

Heffalump said:

c) same deal with the Facebook requests. Also, is the LW exaggerating? I thought if you sent a request and the person didn't respond, you couldn't send more, for this very reason?

If you delete the request, they can send it again. If you ignore the request and just let it sit unanswered, their only option is to delete the request. Once it's deleted by either party, the request can be sent again unless the person receiving the request blocks the sender.

ShesSoCold · July 2016

Heffalump said:

I really want to know more about what this girl is doing.

The LW says the daughter is stalking them, but then mentions:

a) letters from the daughter at home and at work (one each? was she maybe not sure she had the right person and tried both? or are they getting letters on a daily basis?)

b) her parents have gotten letters--again, how many? And again, is the LW unhinged, or just not sure if she has the right person and is casting a wide net?

c) same deal with the Facebook requests. Also, is the LW exaggerating? I thought if you sent a request and the person didn't respond, you couldn't send more, for this very reason?

d) calling the LW at home--to me, this really depends on whether it was before or after the LW said she wasn't the woman's mother. Did she write the LW back and say "You have the wrong person?" and leave it at that--at which point, I wouldn't be surprised if the LW kept trying since she may not even know that the phone number and the address are for the same person. (Especially if the LW is named something like Susan Jones--who knows how many dead ends the daughter has been down?)

e) husband telling the kids this girl is "sick in the head." Maybe. But I haven't seen it yet. Is she threatening them in some way? Or is she just trying to find information? In the absence of bunny boiling, sick in the head seems like a big stretch. Ditto for "vicious."

IF this LW hasn't laid out the facts for this woman yet, I would. Explain that the circumstances of her birth were very painful, the LW has moved on, and she would prefer not to be contacted again for any reason. Then if the daughter keeps at it, the LW can escalate. But it's not entirely clear that the LW has done anything but dodge, and maybe she's being unintentionally ambiguous.

Oh, and therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. It feels like the LW stuffed this all down and never really dealt with it.

To the bolded, I'm thinking LW is trying to pretend that this woman isn't her biological child and trying to tell her kids that.

I think I mentioned that I have a half brother. I'm sure my dad would react the same way if he ever tried to contact him. But us kids? We want to meet him. I think we're entitled to if we want to.

I think LW needs to be honest with her family, work through it (therapy!) and she's absolutely entitled to not want contact. But she can't continue to pretend this woman doesn't exist. And if her kids want to meet this woman, I think LW shouldn't stand in their way.

sparklepants41 · July 2016

ShesSoCold said:

Heffalump said:

I really want to know more about what this girl is doing.

The LW says the daughter is stalking them, but then mentions:

a) letters from the daughter at home and at work (one each? was she maybe not sure she had the right person and tried both? or are they getting letters on a daily basis?)

b) her parents have gotten letters--again, how many? And again, is the LW unhinged, or just not sure if she has the right person and is casting a wide net?

c) same deal with the Facebook requests. Also, is the LW exaggerating? I thought if you sent a request and the person didn't respond, you couldn't send more, for this very reason?

d) calling the LW at home--to me, this really depends on whether it was before or after the LW said she wasn't the woman's mother. Did she write the LW back and say "You have the wrong person?" and leave it at that--at which point, I wouldn't be surprised if the LW kept trying since she may not even know that the phone number and the address are for the same person. (Especially if the LW is named something like Susan Jones--who knows how many dead ends the daughter has been down?)

e) husband telling the kids this girl is "sick in the head." Maybe. But I haven't seen it yet. Is she threatening them in some way? Or is she just trying to find information? In the absence of bunny boiling, sick in the head seems like a big stretch. Ditto for "vicious."

IF this LW hasn't laid out the facts for this woman yet, I would. Explain that the circumstances of her birth were very painful, the LW has moved on, and she would prefer not to be contacted again for any reason. Then if the daughter keeps at it, the LW can escalate. But it's not entirely clear that the LW has done anything but dodge, and maybe she's being unintentionally ambiguous.

Oh, and therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. It feels like the LW stuffed this all down and never really dealt with it.

To the bolded, I'm thinking LW is trying to pretend that this woman isn't her biological child and trying to tell her kids that.
I think I mentioned that I have a half brother. I'm sure my dad would react the same way if he ever tried to contact him. But us kids? We want to meet him. I think we're entitled to if we want to.
I think LW needs to be honest with her family, work through it (therapy!) and she's absolutely entitled to not want contact. But she can't continue to pretend this woman doesn't exist. And if her kids want to meet this woman, I think LW shouldn't stand in their way.

Completely agree with the bolded.

I am also wondering if there are medical issues with the daughter, seeing as how both her mother and father were cousins...

Nevertheless, it's an awful situation and I feel for the LW and the daughter.

MissKittyDanger · July 2016

Poor LW and poor child. LW should state to her that she needs to stop and the situation she was put in was not a healthy one. She has a good family and please back off.

Child is getting a little .... pushy? Based on what was said, it's a little boarder-line harassment $:\$

flantastic · July 2016

sparklepants41 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Heffalump said:

I really want to know more about what this girl is doing.

The LW says the daughter is stalking them, but then mentions:

a) letters from the daughter at home and at work (one each? was she maybe not sure she had the right person and tried both? or are they getting letters on a daily basis?)

b) her parents have gotten letters--again, how many? And again, is the LW unhinged, or just not sure if she has the right person and is casting a wide net?

c) same deal with the Facebook requests. Also, is the LW exaggerating? I thought if you sent a request and the person didn't respond, you couldn't send more, for this very reason?

d) calling the LW at home--to me, this really depends on whether it was before or after the LW said she wasn't the woman's mother. Did she write the LW back and say "You have the wrong person?" and leave it at that--at which point, I wouldn't be surprised if the LW kept trying since she may not even know that the phone number and the address are for the same person. (Especially if the LW is named something like Susan Jones--who knows how many dead ends the daughter has been down?)

e) husband telling the kids this girl is "sick in the head." Maybe. But I haven't seen it yet. Is she threatening them in some way? Or is she just trying to find information? In the absence of bunny boiling, sick in the head seems like a big stretch. Ditto for "vicious."

IF this LW hasn't laid out the facts for this woman yet, I would. Explain that the circumstances of her birth were very painful, the LW has moved on, and she would prefer not to be contacted again for any reason. Then if the daughter keeps at it, the LW can escalate. But it's not entirely clear that the LW has done anything but dodge, and maybe she's being unintentionally ambiguous.

Oh, and therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. It feels like the LW stuffed this all down and never really dealt with it.

To the bolded, I'm thinking LW is trying to pretend that this woman isn't her biological child and trying to tell her kids that.
I think I mentioned that I have a half brother. I'm sure my dad would react the same way if he ever tried to contact him. But us kids? We want to meet him. I think we're entitled to if we want to.
I think LW needs to be honest with her family, work through it (therapy!) and she's absolutely entitled to not want contact. But she can't continue to pretend this woman doesn't exist. And if her kids want to meet this woman, I think LW shouldn't stand in their way.

Completely agree with the bolded.

I am also wondering if there are medical issues with the daughter, seeing as how both her mother and father were cousins...

Nevertheless, it's an awful situation and I feel for the LW and the daughter.

I wonder what she found in the DNA registry.

AddieCake · July 2016

Oh, wow. What a difficult position to be in, on both sides.

*Barbie* · July 2016

sparklepants41 said:

Completely agree with the bolded.

I am also wondering if there are medical issues with the daughter, seeing as how both her mother and father were cousins...

Nevertheless, it's an awful situation and I feel for the LW and the daughter.

unless there's a specific recessive genetic disorder in this family, the chances of a birth defect for first cousins is only 1.5-3% higher than the baseline.

sparklepants41 · July 2016

*Barbie* said:

sparklepants41 said:

Completely agree with the bolded.

I am also wondering if there are medical issues with the daughter, seeing as how both her mother and father were cousins...

Nevertheless, it's an awful situation and I feel for the LW and the daughter.

unless there's a specific recessive genetic disorder in this family, the chances of a birth defect for first cousins is only 1.5-3% higher than the baseline.

Huh. I had no idea! I would have thought it would be much higher.

Edited because I can't brain today.

kimmiinthemitten · July 2016

A friend of mine learned she had a sister that was adopted when the girl contacted her on FB. It was very similar to what LW describes. She ended up blocked after she created fake profiles for her siblings and created online interactions with them.

I I feel for both parties, it must be hard to be adopted and *want* to know your BP but at the same time LW is entitled to her privacy, especially if this persons presence is a trigger for the bad memories she worked hard to overcome. And I totally understand not wanting to tell your kids that you were raped.

artbyallie · July 2016

ShesSoCold said:

Heffalump said:

I really want to know more about what this girl is doing.

The LW says the daughter is stalking them, but then mentions:

a) letters from the daughter at home and at work (one each? was she maybe not sure she had the right person and tried both? or are they getting letters on a daily basis?)

b) her parents have gotten letters--again, how many? And again, is the LW unhinged, or just not sure if she has the right person and is casting a wide net?

c) same deal with the Facebook requests. Also, is the LW exaggerating? I thought if you sent a request and the person didn't respond, you couldn't send more, for this very reason?

d) calling the LW at home--to me, this really depends on whether it was before or after the LW said she wasn't the woman's mother. Did she write the LW back and say "You have the wrong person?" and leave it at that--at which point, I wouldn't be surprised if the LW kept trying since she may not even know that the phone number and the address are for the same person. (Especially if the LW is named something like Susan Jones--who knows how many dead ends the daughter has been down?)

e) husband telling the kids this girl is "sick in the head." Maybe. But I haven't seen it yet. Is she threatening them in some way? Or is she just trying to find information? In the absence of bunny boiling, sick in the head seems like a big stretch. Ditto for "vicious."

IF this LW hasn't laid out the facts for this woman yet, I would. Explain that the circumstances of her birth were very painful, the LW has moved on, and she would prefer not to be contacted again for any reason. Then if the daughter keeps at it, the LW can escalate. But it's not entirely clear that the LW has done anything but dodge, and maybe she's being unintentionally ambiguous.

Oh, and therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. It feels like the LW stuffed this all down and never really dealt with it.

To the bolded, I'm thinking LW is trying to pretend that this woman isn't her biological child and trying to tell her kids that.
I think I mentioned that I have a half brother. I'm sure my dad would react the same way if he ever tried to contact him. But us kids? We want to meet him. I think we're entitled to if we want to.
I think LW needs to be honest with her family, work through it (therapy!) and she's absolutely entitled to not want contact. But she can't continue to pretend this woman doesn't exist. And if her kids want to meet this woman, I think LW shouldn't stand in their way.

Would you feel the same way if he had been raped and forced into being a father?

IMO, that's where this gets tricky. And of course, the girl may have no idea the biological mother she's trying to contact was a rape victim. But if LW was promised anonymity in giving up her baby, IMO she is entitled to that, even from her own flesh and blood if that's what she wants. I can understand her being freaked out by this revisiting of a traumatic event.

artbyallie · July 2016

On a different note, thus the different post, my grandmother has a half-sister in New Zealand. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it when the woman contacted her, since her/their father was a cheating, abusive scumbag. Just because someone shares DNA with you doesn't mean they share your desire to meet or that they should even have to do so. I understand why one wants to, but they also need to be willing to back off if the other party's not interested.

MesmrEwe · July 2016

The LW needs a great therapist for the sake of dealing with the whole situation regardless of the potential daughter contacting her. That's one thing people don't realize is that they can go through all the steps for healing, or think they're "over it", or "past it", whatever "it" may be, but there are those times when something just triggers and that's where having that therapist/coach/etc. to call on even a decade plus later, is vitally important. The LW probably never thought that the child would have the tenacity to look through other routes to attempt to find her bio parents thus never prepared for the "what if" and even if it'd been only a secondary contacts she'd have jumped to that conclusion of "this person is stalking me" given how things can sometimes manifest after trauma..

The first thing after meeting with the therapist is the LW needs to tell her husband what happened because it sounds like he hasn't a clue. Then decide how to deal with it. Even if it's only once via phone or letter through an attorney to say "the circumstance of the birth was incest/rape, you were born at ___ hospital, x conditions run in the genetic line though will not confirm/deny any conditions I have, because of the rape it's triggering me and painful for you to contact me, please never contact myself nor family members again, I hope I've answered some of your questions" and if she doesn't respect that, then it's time for the restraining order. What I'd do - I'd do the "meet on neutral ground" ONCE - and set the forever boundaries (the Mom is the one who can only initiate future contact) because it will only continue until there is contact in some form.

Another letter where I'd love the other side's perspective.

Re: Another letter where I'd love the other side's perspective.

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