I was of the impression that we are supposed to write our guests' birth/full name on the outer envelope of our wedding invitations. How much did you push to find out names that they don't use? I feel like I'm already asking my parents and grandparents to help out so much with the many addresses and correct titles to use. It's been such a task trying to collect them. Most of these people I'm asking about are my extended family/in-laws that I currently have no way to contact directly, so I am at a loss there. The other few I think care so little for the name that I'm not sure they're worth asking, and possibly annoying, them over.
Is it really necessary to bug people to find out a person's formal name when I know they don't ever use it? I'm not talking about casual, fun nicknames. Their parents gave them these formal names, and from the start they always planned to refer to them otherwise. I want to be etiquette friendly, but is there a point where it's too much?
Re: What extent do you go to to find out guests' formal names for invitations?
I'm having a small, casual wedding so I'm addressing using the name that my guests normally use. For me, it was a know your crowd thing. I know that several people in my group would have been pissed if I used their formal birth name (they hate it) or include titles (Dr., Mrs.).
If you are able to, I would take the steps to find out from other family members or friends about the names that people would like their invitations addressed to.
So a gentleman whose legal name is "James Arthur Smith" but always goes by "Art" would be addressed as either "Mr. Arthur Smith" or "Mr. J. Arthur Smith" depending on his preference. Not "Art Smith" or "James Smith".
I would say that modern etiquette would support using the version of someone's name that they use on a regular basis. My FFIL is technically James but he only goes by Jim. He gets irritated when people use his full name (especially if they know that he is Jim and not James). He could go and get his name legally changed, but he hasn't. I think it is respectful to use the name that you know, if you know, that they routinely go by.
First and last name are fine for addressing mail. No Bubba or Billy Bobs.
I don't know why he hasn't changed it. Not my concern. I just know that we are using his commonly used name "Jim" on the invite as that is what his name is to the people that know him. Etiquette should be about making your guests comfortable and taken care of. We are doing that by respecting the name that he prefers to go by.