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Posting here instead of complaining on Facebook

Knottie1469114458Knottie1469114458 member
5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Planning this wedding has really revealed my "place" in my family's priorities, and it feels pretty low.

Already my brother has emailed and said my nephew will definitely not be making it to the wedding that is 11 months away because his final exams start two days later. It's a five hour drive from his college...he could drive in on Friday, go to the wedding on Saturday, drive home on Sunday, and then be at school for finals. 

I get it, school is important...but I just feel like he is showing that he is going to make ZERO effort to get my nephew there. And I go out of my way to help him and my nephew whenever they need me.

Ever since my dad died it seems like my brothers have stopped giving a crap about me because they don't have to make a show of it for him. 

This whole thing is hurtful and embarrassing...I don't want my fiance's family to think my family doesn't care about me...but it sure seems that way.

OK, I'm done. Now I just sound like a whiny little b---h. I'm going to reflect on the people who DO like me and DO care.


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Re: Posting here instead of complaining on Facebook

  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Like @artbyallie venting to get this off your chest is good. It sucks that your nephew won't be there, and it's valid to feel sad about that.

    But that doesn't mean your brother doesn't care about you, or that your nephew doesn't care about you. It just means that he has finals. Especially if he has a final Monday that would mean driving 5 hours Friday night or Saturday morning, a wedding Saturday, and then driving 5 hours back on Sunday. That leaves no time for him to prepare over the weekend. I'm sure he's bummed about it, but finals in college are important and he needs to prioritize his education. 

    This is might be blunt, but no one is going to care about your wedding as much as you are. They have lives and things going on as well that unfortunately conflicts with your wedding. That doesn't mean they don't want to be there or that they don't care about you; it just means they had to make a tough choice. So totally fine to feel bummed out, but have a drink and remember this isn't personal. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Expecting someone to drive 10 hours right before finals is crazy. 
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree with PPs. I know you are upset and sad and have the right to feel that way. However, college finals are a huge deal. My youngest son just graduated from college. He missed his grandmother's funeral in April because he had final projects to finish and finals coming up. He was very sad but the entire family understood - including Grandpa. Have a drink and a night of being sad then move on.
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  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Why is it your brother's job to get your nephew to your wedding? I imagine your nephew is an adult capable of making his own decisions, and if your nephew has decided he can't make it because of a very valid reason like finals, it's not your brother's "job" to make him attend. There's plenty of time for him to change his mind, but I think you need to take a deep breath and let it go. It's no one's job to make an adult child attend anyone's wedding. 

    I have, on more than one occasion, chosen my academic commitment over a friend's or family member's wedding. 

    Weddings are not the end all be all.  Your prospective guests do all have lives and some will not be able to change their schedules to accommodate your wedding.  People have priorites that oftentimes do not include anyone's weddings.  It happens.

    FWIW, 3 members of my family attended our wedding, out of 20+ invited.  Most were all local to begin with.  It has never crossed my husband's mind that my family does not love or care for me. 


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I know you feel hurt, but for real, girl, finals trump a wedding. A wedding+reception is one day and one big party.  Failing finals can have long reaching consequences affecting future classes, school standing, jobs, and income.  I'm missing the wedding of a close friend this weekend because it's finals for me.  Sure, it's only a "three hour flight," but I don't have the funds or the time to give.  It happens. Honestly, it's kind of selfish to expect that much of of a college student.  Have you ever been on a five hour drive?  They're exhausting (and they never take the time specified on google maps--you have to include stoppage time).  There's no way I'd want to do that right before a final.  That's just setting him up for failure.  Plus, that's 10-18 hours he won't be studying. Right before finals.  

    Ditto PPs on it not being your brother's "job" to make his adult child attend as well.  I think you are reading into this.  


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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    First "I get it" especially since it's entirely possible he won't have ANY finals until Wednesday of that week depending on the course load he has.  I lived four hours away from where I went to college so five hours driving each way is NBD IMO and the way a professors structure their particular final at that particular school can vary.  A diligent student doesn't need to be cramming the weekend before finals... 

    But, disappointing as it may be that your brother is telling you this now, take it with a grain of salt because nephew could quit school and run off to join the Circus 11mo from now or discover large engine mechanics pays full ride plus room and board for school and no debt load for a rather well paying career...  Stranger things have happened.  What you do need to do for now, shrug it off!  When it's time to send out invites, you contact nephew and send him his own invitation at his college address.  Those who are there are who you're meant to celebrate with, those that aren't - oh well!  Your wedding will be great whether your nephew is there or not. 

    As for the family dynamics, they were there before, you're just noticing them now is all that is different.  Your wedding isn't going to wave a magic fairy wand and suddenly "fix" what dynamic was already existing.  You either learn to adapt to that dynamic or you'll make yourself mad and that won't look good on your wedding pictures!  It's all going to work out!

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I get being upset but I'd probably do the same thing unless nephew has classes that don't require finals.

    Weren't there times in the summer after school would be out that would work?

    FWIW, we knew that BIL would be taking the bar so we planned our wedding for after it.   It's not fun to deal with but we opted for an air conditioned wedding on a 100 degree day vs. know that people wouldn't be able to make it.   If we had a huge extended family of nephews and nieces we'd probably have to cut our losses at some point and just know that not all can make it . 
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I agree that finals trump wedding - I do.  I just think 11 months out is an odd time to make this decision.  Is the American post-secondary education system vastly different than Canada's?  I ask, because we would have final exams in a three-week period, so if you have the regular course load of, say, five courses, you might not be writing you first exam until the second week.  His exams wouldn't even be scheduled yet, would they?  I suppose it also depends on the major - I was an english/medieval studies major, which meant that I didn't even have that many exams - three tops per semester.
    If exams were scheduled and he had two exams in the first two or three days, yeah, that is more important than a wedding.  But not even knowing if you have to worry about your exams that weekend yet? 

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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    kerbohl said:
    I agree that finals trump wedding - I do.  I just think 11 months out is an odd time to make this decision.  Is the American post-secondary education system vastly different than Canada's?  I ask, because we would have final exams in a three-week period, so if you have the regular course load of, say, five courses, you might not be writing you first exam until the second week.  His exams wouldn't even be scheduled yet, would they?  I suppose it also depends on the major - I was an english/medieval studies major, which meant that I didn't even have that many exams - three tops per semester.
    If exams were scheduled and he had two exams in the first two or three days, yeah, that is more important than a wedding.  But not even knowing if you have to worry about your exams that weekend yet? 
    Yeah - this is overkill unless we're talking about exams that you know about.   Each school is different in the US.   My college had exams for something like 7 days and some classes required the exam and others would allow a take home or paper.  You could have had all your finals over within a few days or they could drag out all week.  It was the luck of the draw in how they were scheduled.

    It seems to be silly to say no to everything now - but it's also worth telling the OP that this is a potential conflict now.   
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    There are so many variables we don't know as well....Is nephew taking 12 credits or 21?  Is he an uncomfortable/anxious driver?  Is he freaking out about his course load before school even begins?  What's his major?  My communication/poli sci degree meant finals were papers and presentations.  My sisters BS in psych at the same college meant final exams.

    I'd just tell Brother and Nephew that you hope it works out and if his schedule changes you'd love to have him and if not, you hope he kills it at his finals.
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  • MNNEBrideMNNEBride member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It never gets old......
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    Knottie1466532569 said:
    This really sucks that you're having problems. He should be doing everything he can to get him there for you. This is an important time for you and something you can't forgive him for. I have one older brother and I understand how you feel. I feel I am always giving my all to him and he only gives me very little.  I do not like to feel this way about him and have resentment but they just don't understand! Maybe he will pull his head out of his butt and realize he is acting ridiculous. Maybe do something nice for him like send a nice  email or something to make  him see how  sweet you are and it is all him. I got my bridesmaids a cover up at www.spazooie.com and they snapped out of being little b's so sometimes it works. Make it about them to. 
    Ridiculous english, awful advice and a vendor!  @KnotRiley
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  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Knottie1466532569 said:
    This really sucks that you're having problems. He should be doing everything he can to get him there for you. This is an important time for you and something you can't forgive him for. I have one older brother and I understand how you feel. I feel I am always giving my all to him and he only gives me very little.  I do not like to feel this way about him and have resentment but they just don't understand! Maybe he will pull his head out of his butt and realize he is acting ridiculous. Maybe do something nice for him like send a nice  email or something to make  him see how  sweet you are and it is all him. I got my bridesmaids a cover up at www.spazooie.com and they snapped out of being little b's so sometimes it works. Make it about them to. 
    Um... What?

    To the first bolded, WTF kind of attitude is that?  Just because your wedding is important to you doesn't mean your guests should automatically drop everything to attend.  It's NOT a priority for them.  If you can't be big enough to forgive someone for having previous and more pressing commitments than your wedding, which, as I think I already mentioned, is an important time for you and only you, then you have bigger problems.  That's a really horrible attitude.

    To the second bolded, you only harbor these feelings of resentment because you have unrealistic expectations of how your family should treat you.  You don't give to get back in return.  If all your sibling does is take, stop giving.  Problem solved.  People show love in so many different ways, but not reciprocating something so subject to interpretation is no reason to resent them.  My brother doesn't "give me" much, but I don't resent him for what he doesn't give.  I love him for what he does.

    To the third bolded, no.  Just no.  "It is all him" what?  For having a life?  For making an informed and independent adult decision?  Guilting him into attending the wedding will probably only breed resentment.

    And to the last bolded.... Wow.  I can't even.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I too was directed by my parents to skip a funeral due to my schooling.  I felt bad because I wanted to be there for my aunt, but my mom explained that she had other people to lean on and that she would understand why I was not in attendance.

    I'm glad you are seeing things in a different light OP.  Sometimes it takes some internet strangers to understand things in a different way.  Kudos for you for taking the advice.

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