Am I the Crazy One?

Knottie1433909255 · July 2016

Just a little background before I start. Our wedding is in late September of this year, 1500 miles away from our home (OK to NY). Our wedding party has been asked and notified for about 10 months. Most of the wedding party will have to travel (mainly his since I still have friends in NY). My MOH is my sister (only really done to please my mom), and the rest are friends.

Bachelorette party was planned for the second weekend in August. It was at a location that would be "less expensive for them" so I'm the only one that would have to fly or travel. This was "because he (my fiancé) can afford it. My sister or not anyone on my side of the family offered to throw a shower so his mom offered. They were invited, but nobody offered to help.

My dad passed away about a month ago and felt that maybe getting away for a little bit with people that I care about would help a little, except that the planning never went past the planning part. Nothing was booked, one of my girls tried to reach out to everyone and nobody responded. Two of my bridesmaids texted me last week to ask what day the wedding was on! Then they proceeded to say that she didn't "officially have the day off yet" or "I'm scared to ask for the day off". Seriously???? Am I being a little bit of a diva by expecting more? My fiancé's bachelor party isn't happening anymore because 1 guy backed out (called him the day my dad died) and nobody cared to plan anything. We've been discussing this every night and to be honest, at this point, I'd rather not have anything from any of them. I'd probably enjoy taking a mini vacation with him over them.

Am I wrong for being upset/disappointed? Thanks for listening!

geebee908 · July 2016

You can certainly feel disappointed, but your WP isn't obligated to throw any of these parties for you. Anyone can offer to host a party, but that doesn't always happen.

Your wedding won't be as important to anyone else as it is to the two of you. Life happens and sometimes the best laid plans fall through. Look forward to your wedding day and having those closest to you standing by your side. That's more important than any party.

OurWildKingdom · July 2016

geebee908 said:

You can certainly feel disappointed, but your WP isn't obligated to throw any of these parties for you. Anyone can offer to host a party, but that doesn't always happen.

Your wedding won't be as important to anyone else as it is to the two of you. Life happens and sometimes the best laid plans fall through. Look forward to your wedding day and having those closest to you standing by your side. That's more important than any party.

QFT

levioosa · July 2016

Knottie1433909255 said:

Just a little background before I start. Our wedding is in late September of this year, 1500 miles away from our home (OK to NY). Our wedding party has been asked and notified for about 10 months. Most of the wedding party will have to travel (mainly his since I still have friends in NY). My MOH is my sister (only really done to please my mom), and the rest are friends.

Bachelorette party was planned for the second weekend in August. It was at a location that would be "less expensive for them" so I'm the only one that would have to fly or travel. This was "because he (my fiancé) can afford it. My sister or not anyone on my side of the family offered to throw a shower so his mom offered. They were invited, but nobody offered to help.

My dad passed away about a month ago and felt that maybe getting away for a little bit with people that I care about would help a little, except that the planning never went past the planning part. Nothing was booked, one of my girls tried to reach out to everyone and nobody responded. Two of my bridesmaids texted me last week to ask what day the wedding was on! Then they proceeded to say that she didn't "officially have the day off yet" or "I'm scared to ask for the day off". Seriously???? Am I being a little bit of a diva by expecting more? My fiancé's bachelor party isn't happening anymore because 1 guy backed out (called him the day my dad died) and nobody cared to plan anything. We've been discussing this every night and to be honest, at this point, I'd rather not have anything from any of them. I'd probably enjoy taking a mini vacation with him over them.

Am I wrong for being upset/disappointed? Thanks for listening!

Yes. You are being a diva for expecting more. The only thing the WP is required to do is show up on time, sober, and in the right attire. I am very sorry for your loss, however, there are two separate things going on here. If you want to meet up with your girl friends to help with the grief, plan a trip to visit them that is separate from a potential B-party. I kind of get the feeling that you are making this more about yourself and the believe you deserve a B-party, then getting away for a few days to help with grieving. If the wedding party has to travel that far to your wedding, they are also already incurring a lot of costs to be there.

No one has to throw you any pre-wedding parties. I get a lot of entitlement from your post. No one has to help you plan and pay for the wedding except you and FI. You also didn't have to make your sister your MOH, but you can't do anything about that now, and she's also not obligated to do anything "extra" just for being the MOH. Your wedding party is supposed to consist of your nearest and dearest. Treat them that way.

Oh, and people's lives don't stop just because you are getting married. People have a lot going on. Your wedding is not the most important thing in their lives, nor should it be.

Sherbie25 · July 2016

Your dad recently passed away and you're bitching about a bachelorette party? Get the fuck out of here.

AddieCake · July 2016

Sherbie25 said:

Your dad recently passed away and you're bitching about a bachelorette party? Get the fuck out of here.

I don't think this is fair. OP can be bummed about a loss of bachelorette party and still have mourned/be mourning her father's passing. It's not like one thing happens and then that's all you're allowed to focus on for X time.

jacques27 · July 2016

Yes, It's perfectly natural to be disappointed when things you think will happen fall through. However, you also have to remember that no one is required to throw any of these parties for you. They are extras. Not everyone gets them. So go get yourself a drink and have a one-day pity party. Let yourself feel disappointed for a day that plans didn't turn out the way you hoped and then build a bridge and get over it. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that your grief for your father's passing is spilling over into your reaction about these parties (or lack thereof). But these are two completely unrelated things and you need to be careful that you're not letting your feelings about the one cause you to make the other into a much bigger deal than it really ought to be.

OurWildKingdom · July 2016

jacques27 said:

Yes, It's perfectly natural to be disappointed when things you think will happen fall through. However, you also have to remember that no one is required to throw any of these parties for you. They are extras. Not everyone gets them. So go get yourself a drink and have a one-day pity party. Let yourself feel disappointed for a day that plans didn't turn out the way you hoped and then build a bridge and get over it. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that your grief for your father's passing is spilling over into your reaction about these parties (or lack thereof). But these are two completely unrelated things and you need to be careful that you're not letting your feelings about the one cause you to make the other into a much bigger deal than it really ought to be.

QFT. I know I have a history of letting feelings about big things in my life cause me to get upset about small things.

SP29 · July 2016

Agree with the above. Be disappointed that plans fell through, but it is no one's responsibility to plan these things, and if no one was interested to plan or attend, then there is no party. I do think it a bit rude to say "you have to travel because your FI can afford", but that can be simply put to rest by saying, "my budget is X". And likewise, if you can't/don't want to travel, that doesn't mean others (such as your WP) need to be the ones to travel to make something happen if their budget is also X.

I can also understand being a bit upset your WP has accepted the role in your wedding but also hasn't asked for the day off yet. At the end of the day though, you have no control over this. If they don't show up because they didn't get the day off work, then they've removed them self from the WP. Similarly, like any other guest, they don't have to RSVP until the date requested (which shouldn't be until the end of August/early Sept), so try not to worry more about it now.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your dad

. I agree to try and keep this separate from your wedding. If you feel like you would like more support from your friends, address it directly, "Friend, I'm having a hard time right now and would really like some girl time/ someone to talk to" versus "You didn't plan me a B-party! You're not being a good friend!".

And if you want to go on a trip with your FI- go for it! You two are the only two people who will be the most excited for your wedding, so enjoy that excitement together.

Peledreamsofrain · July 2016

Stop sitting around waiting for other people to make sure you have a fun getaway. Just run off with your fiance and have your bach party with each other.

Yeah it kinda sucks you have to do it, but it sucks more waiting around and fuming.

MuppetOverlord · July 2016

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you and your family and my heart goes out to you. I can understand why people in your family haven't thrown a shower and it was very nice that your FMIL offered.

But yes, you are the diva here.

No one is obligated to do any of this, or to help someone who takes it on. Parties and showers are a gift. Acceptance to your wedding party has already cost people a significant amount of money and time between travel, attire, and time off. Please consider that with gratitude.

One of my employees just had a friendship-ending experience with a wedding she was part of. The wedding was 3,000 miles away and most people had to fly to it, $700 ticket x 2 so she could bring her fiance. $500 hotel for the days she was obligated to be there. $400 in attire. $100 in hair and makeup. $100 shower gift. She did plan and host the shower herself which also cost her money. In the end, the bride bitched to her when she couldn't afford to plan or attend a bachelorette party that wasn't local to her and didn't have more vacation time to donate to her wedding. It's not like the $2500-$3000 dollars she already committed to this wedding was something she had lying around.

Knottie1470260458 · August 2016

This is terrible...and I am sorry about your dad.

Who "doesn't" know what day a wedding is, if they have either been invited to the affair or are actively participating in the event?? Wow...

cowgirl8238 · August 2016

MuppetOverlord said:

One of my employees just had a friendship-ending experience with a wedding she was part of. The wedding was 3,000 miles away and most people had to fly to it, $700 ticket x 2 so she could bring her fiance. $500 hotel for the days she was obligated to be there. $400 in attire. $100 in hair and makeup. $100 shower gift. She did plan and host the shower herself which also cost her money. In the end, the bride bitched to her when she couldn't afford to plan or attend a bachelorette party that wasn't local to her and didn't have more vacation time to donate to her wedding. It's not like the $2500-$3000 dollars she already committed to this wedding was something she had lying around.

I will never understand how becoming a bride just gets some people to think they can just walk all over their nearest and dearest friends. I too recently had a bad experience although (thankfully) not nearly as expensive.

OP, Firstly, sorry for your loss, this is probably a difficult time for you. That being said you have the right to be bummed out about your plans falling through, but as others have covered you can't expect these parties to be hosted and not everyone gets one.

I would take some time and just enjoy being with your FI. Maybe go away for a weekend or just do something nice for each other.

CMGragain · August 2016

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

Reality check here. The important thing is that you will be marrying your FI. I assume you have your venue booked and your dress ordered.
It does not matter how many bridesmaids you have. If the two girls drop out, no biggie, and no one will care.
Lots of girls don't get a shower or a bachelorette. My daughter didn't. She is happily married.
Try to focus on the positives. This is what your father would want. If you need time out, then take a nice weekend trip, maybe with your FI.

[Deleted User] · August 2016

I think you have had a lot of different emotions to go through recently. As a woman, you pictured your wedding and all the events leading up to your wedding going a certain way, and they aren't going that way. Unfortunately you caved on having your sister as your MOH. When I got married you would have thought that I would have asked my BF of 20 years to be my MOH, but I asked my sister. Why? Because I knew that my sister was more organized, in a better place to coordinate things, and would be honest with me if I asked her opinion on something. With not living in the area that you are getting married in, it makes it harder for your bridal party to organize things for you. I also think that the recently loss of your father is adding to the emotions you are feeling, which is to be expected. That's another part of your wedding that isn't going to go the way you had dreamed of. Not sure if you have given yourself time to grieve with trying to plan a wedding, but at some point, make sure you do. Remember, even though things aren't going the way you had hoped, in the end what matters is that you are marrying the person of your dreams and no matter what else happens, that's what really matters. Good luck!!

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