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Knottie1464831091
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Power struggle with my mother
First off, I thank you for taking the time to read my post. I apologize ahead of time if it is fairly long. I am dealing with family conflict over our wedding, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I want to explain the situation as best I can, but that includes adding a little background info so the full situation is better understood. Again, I apologize in advance...
My FH proposed to me in May after dating for a year and a half, and we are planning a long engagement (wedding date October 8, 2017). My FH is a wonderful man and is truly my best friend. Our friends and family accepted the news quite well. I am both excited and nervous about the marriage; I love my FH to bits, but I haven't had a good example on a healthy marriage growing up. The thought of turning into my parents frightens me. So far, my FH has assured me that our relationship is solid, and we have better communication skills than my parents do.
After a lengthy discussion, my FH and I decided I would find a new job in North Carolina and we would get our own place sometime next year well before the wedding. He is providing support for his mother; her husband (my FH's step father but the only father figure he had) passed away in February of this year from lung cancer. I am fortunate enough to have a really good relationship with my MIL; almost to the point where she's more of a mother figure than my own mother. I announced the relocation plans to my parents last month. My mother was not pleased, but stated I was allowed to live where I wanted and eventually accepted this.
The trouble began late June when we talked about my FH and I going ahead and securing a venue (so we can make payments towards the venue monthly). I'd like to note that my FH and I are paying for our own wedding so we don't burden our families financially. Also, my mother monopolized my brother's wedding (she was assisting him financially), and I didn't want that for our wedding. My mother insisted that I get married in the church she prefers in my hometown (a church I haven't been to for over a year and a half). I'm not a traditionalist and kindly shot down the church idea. She suggested vineyards to me and was pushing me to go see two: one that was thirty minutes away, and one that was an hour away. My FH and I did view both venues and felt it wasn't right for us.
We settled on a beautiful venue that is housed in an antique shop (we both love antiques). The venue is willing to do all the decorating (including linens), provide tables and chairs, provide silverware / dishware for the caterers we'll eventually hire, and access to the venue for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. All we have to do is find a caterer, find someone who can make a wedding cake, find flowers, hire a photographer, hire someone to marry us, and show up. The place is old timey and rustic, but welcoming, romantic, and full of history. The venue is 40 to 45 minutes away.
I discussed this with my mother with the intention of taking her to view the venue herself. I was greeted by an angry response that almost bordered on verbal abuse. I will provide some of the statement she made to me below:
- "Why did you choose this place? I hate (town that venue is located). You're making a mistake."
- "We were going to assist you financially, but we won't since we don't agree with the venue location." (something I already expected, hence why my FH and I are paying for it ourselves).
- "This is (FH's) fault; apparently its his wedding now and not yours."
- "You can count on your friends and coworkers not attending your wedding; that means only...what 15 people will show up? You need to realize they won't show up so you can properly plan on catering...at least catering will be cheap."
- "The preacher you wanted to perform your wedding won't marry you if you have it there; you know he's old and is in poor health. You wouldn't want to burden him with more stress. You may need to call him and tell him his services won't be needed."
- "How will you receive gifts? If you have your wedding there, no one here will buy you gifts for your new home."
- "Well...maybe this venue will go bankrupt and shut down before your wedding date." (they're booked the rest of this year and most of next year)
And then she said the one thing that really broke my heart:
- Your father and I will attend the wedding, but we are not participating in any wedding activities, we will not be involved in the rehearsal, involved in the actual ceremony, or attending the rehearsal dinner. I'm not driving to (venue location) twice."
Every response I made was met with negativity, and to hear that my mother won't go with me dress shopping and my father won't walk me down the aisle floored me. I called my FH that night in tears, took a day off work, and met up with him to discuss it. I was so upset that I almost suggested calling off the wedding and my FH and I just eloping. My FH calmed me and reminded me that this was our wedding and (since we're paying for it) we should have it the way we desire. So we decided to move forward with our original plan.
I am fortunate to have friends and coworkers who have offered to fill the roles that my mother would play in the planning portion. While I am greatly appreciative of it, it just doesn't feel the same...I am depressed that I don't have my mother's support anymore. We don't discuss the wedding at all anymore because it always starts up an argument. I am so confused and even question whether I'm in the wrong. I've been told I need to just accept that my mother doesn't want to be involved, but I'm having a hard time with this.
Sorry this is long, but I don't know what to do to deal with the whirlwind of emotions I'm dealing with. I hate burdening my FH with it (even though he has been insanely supportive about all of this) and wanted to try reaching out for advice.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Power struggle with my mother
Unfortunately, you will have to accept your mother's lack of interest, as others have already told you. However, just because you have to accept the way your mother is being doesn't mean you have to let it define your wedding or the planning of it. You have already taken a huge step in choosing to move forward with your original plan (not saying that there's anything wrong with eloping, but you shouldn't do something that doesn't feel right to you just because your mother is being difficult). Try to enjoy the planning process with your FI and any friends or relatives who volunteer to help you. Focus on celebrating with those people on your big day and not on the fact that your parents weren't there for the whole thing.
If you think that this will continue to be very difficult for you, and if you can afford the time and cost, it might be worth seeing a counselor to help you deal with your feelings about your mother (I'm guessing your relationship has never been great?) and to focus on the happiness of this time rather than the sadness of how your mother is treating you. That may also help with any anxiety you are feeling about your future due to your parents' marriage (which is normal, though you should never assume you will have the same fate in your own relationships). And while I understand not wanting to burden your FI, you will be sharing your life with him now on a whole new level, and I'm sure he will be okay with talking about all this as much as you need.
I wish there was better advice I could offer, but I hope this helps at least a little. Good luck to you.
You seem to be doing what you need to do in setting boundaries with her. Now do what you need to do to mourn her lack of involvement and involve loved ones you know will support you and make the day special for you.
You may find out in the end it was all a bluff on her part and she'll want to be the MOB, or she may hold to her words. Just try not to let her get to you.
Your Mom needs to learn that she can belittle your plans or ideas and still be involved in them.
For what it's worth I think your venue sounds lovely.
Your mom is taking it too far and is being an emotional terrorist, though. She's withholding what she knows is important to you to punish you. Is this new behavior for her?
Second, your mother just sucks. I'm sorry. When you're footing the bill, you get to make the major decisions, and it sounds like you've done a great job of it.
Not that it changes anything, because her behavior is inappropriate regardless, but what is her big issue with your venue? It sounds nice to me.
I think you know this, but for the record, no, you haven't done anything wrong. When she throws a wedding, she can do whatever she likes; you and your FI get to make the decisions for your own wedding.
Your FI and friends sound awesome, so hopefully that will give you some comfort.
I'm sorry your mother isn't more supportive of your ideas. It also seems like she is trying to manipulate you into changing them to suit her needs. Which, if she is not paying, she doesn't have a say in! But knowing how your brother's wedding planning went, are you really all that surprised? So continue to plan the wedding you want with the people who ARE excited about the plans. Just make sure anyone you include in these pre-wedding plans are also going to be invited to the wedding.
If you are afraid of your marriage ending up like your parents, then it might be a good idea to go through some pre-martial counseling. The Catholic Church offers a pretty comprehensive program that is not very expensive, nor is it all about Church teachings (Engagement Encounter Weekends or something like that). They will usually open their program up to non-Catholics as well. H & I are Catholic and it was a requirement for our marriage prep, but it also helped us to talk about topics we had not thought of before. It is run by married couples mostly, but a priest is also there to guide the day(s).
Also, if your mom tries to start up about your wedding further, shut it down. "Mom, I know you don't approve of our wedding plans. But this is the wedding that FI and I want. I'm sorry it is not what you want. It will be best if we do not discuss the wedding further." If she tries to say they will not attend any part of it, just say "I'm sorry to hear that, you will be missed." Call her bluff. I doubt she will not show up to play the MOB, when the time comes.
Lastly, speak to your dad separately. Ask him to walk you down the aisle. Unless you heard it from your dad's mouth, don't take your mom's word for it that he will not walk you down the aisle. If he will not, a good way to come in otherwise would be with your FI. It is most traditional to walk in together to show that you both consent to the marriage.
Also, know you aren't alone in this. Just a few threads down is another one with an uncooperative MOB. I know it may not make you feel any better, but knowing others have had these types of problems as well, may show you they also aren't that uncommon either.
My mom, while not quite this bad, did say some awful things about my somewhat untraditional but still nice and etiquette approved wedding. Finally once I told her if she hated the idea of it so much, she could stay home, but if she wanted to be invited I didn't want to hear another negative word about it, and boy did I mean it. She changed her tune right quick, because she couldn't revel in being a mother of the bride and gloat to her friends if she wasn't even invited. While full on threatening to uninvite your mom is probably not something you're willing to do, I do recommend just refusing to engage with her threats and moving on with your plans.
I agree with your FMIL: Plan and pay for the wedding that is right for you and your FI (just host everyone properly). Hopefully your dad will show up and escort you down the aisle regardless of what your mother does.
And stop talking to her about your plans. Shut down any further negativity from her with: "Mom, I am not discussing the wedding with you anymore because you have contributed nothing of a positive nature. This conversation is over."
No you are not doing anything wrong, and your venue sounds lovely.
- My mother and I have always had some sort of a rocky relationship; there are times we are BFFs, and there are times we are at each others throats (figuratively). I realized as an adult how manipulative my mother is and was to me and my brother as children; it always has to be her way or no way. It's perfectly okay for her to talk down to us and my father, but she will hold grudges, accuse us of getting an attitude with her, and will make us endure week long silent treatments if someone stands up to her or says something she doesn't like. I have tried to work with her on this; we were advised to do family counseling when I was a teen and she refused to go because she believed that she wasn't the problem and felt that I was portraying her as a "horrible parent." She even made me stop going to the therapist I was seeing after one month (I have major depressive disorder with anxiety episodes) after family therapy was repeatedly recommended. She has cut off communication with family members for arguments (she will be upset because these relatives will be invited to the wedding, but I want them there). My FH has faith that she will come around, but he is more optimistic than I am. In short, my mother can be a bitch...but I still love her and want her and father at my wedding.
- I don't care about receiving financial support from my parents; I just wish I had the emotional and planning support that I need from her. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and there's so many decisions to make and ponder over. However, my FH and I have been reading bridal magazines, searching articles and ideas on Pinterest, and have been receiving advice from some of our friends and my wonderful MIL (seriously, I don't know what I would do without her). My mother will try to bring up wedding plans to me, but I have decided not to discuss the wedding with her until she decides to come around and be supportive again...with the condition that she can't monopolize our wedding. I have an entourage of friends and my MIL who are anxious to go dress shopping with me.
- My brother warned me ahead of time that planning a wedding with my mother would be a nightmare; they contributed a small financial donation and did the rehearsal dinner. My SIL's parents paid for everything else. My mother shot down every idea that my SIL wanted, and she twisted my brother's arm to convince my SIL to do what my mother wanted. My brother also admitted to me that my mother complained about my bridesmaid dress to him (stating it was the ugliest dress she had ever seen on me). I confronted her about it, she denied it, and got mad because I hurt her feelings. I told her the comment hurt mine, and I was met with a snippy "that's because you believed it"...and I did. My brother doesn't lie to me. This is why my FH and I decided early on to pay for our wedding; that way we could call the shots. I added my FH to a savings account that I used during college, and we both contribute to it every month. If things go as planned, we should exceed our budget.
- My father and I don't communicate well and I don't really have a relationship with him (growing up he always chose booze over his family). He doesn't like to discuss things face to face with me. However, I did bring this up, and he stated he supports my mother 100%...according to him. I feel he will (hopefully) come around and change his mind. I feel my mom is telling him how things will be as far as their support goes and he's going along with it to not rock the boat.
- I am already seeing a therapist (I was able to attend therapy again after I got a full time job with benefits two years ago) and a psychiatrist for my depressive disorder and my overall inability to handle stress well. My FH has offered to go with me to all my therapy sessions in order to address my concerns about being like my parents in our marriage and to learn how he can better support me. I am hoping that my therapist can help me be able to accept the fact that my mother and father will not support us and may not attend the ceremony...which will be my biggest struggle.
- And yes, those friends that have offered to help know they are invited to the wedding (and will be the first ones that will receive their formal invitation). These friends have already told me they will attend the wedding.
Again...thank you all again. I am looking forward to marrying my best friend and the love of my life...the way we envision it.
Also, change your name and stick around. There are dozens of people here that have planned and hosted all sizes and types of weddings, we're happy to help bounce ideas off, have suggestions, etc.
Through all the drama, just try to remember what is important- you marrying your FH. Also remember that you are an adult and you get to make your own decisions. You are not responsible to your parents.
As said above, stick around and ask questions! TheKnot also has a pretty good checklist that states when wedding items should be planned/booked/purchased. It's a good start.
I can't really offer any advice except to say I know it really sucks. Your Mum should be doing everything she can to support you and reduce the stress of planning a wedding- not piling on the emotional blackmail!
PPs have given great advice.
But I also wanted to commend you for how you and your FI are handling things. SUCH a wise choice to have learned from your brother's wedding and neither expect...nor accept even if it was offered...money from your parents.
You have an amazing support system with your FI, FMIL, and friends. You are fortunate in that, though I know it still hurts to not have the emotional support from your own parents.
As an aside, it's not often I hear of a unique wedding idea, but an antique shop for a venue is a new one on me. Sounds pretty neat and cool! And like something the store does fairly frequently so they have the experience to (hopefully) make it an amazing day for you and your FI.
Here is a set of photos from the one I was looking at: http://www.bakkenphoto.com/2013/11/katie-reed-minneapolis-wedding-photography/