Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wishy Washy +1's

Hello Ladies, 

So this has now happened twice and I'm not quite sure how to approach the situation. My wedding is taking place on Sept. 10th, and the RSVP deadline we set was for today, August 1st. 

Because my FI and I had extra room on our guests list, we decided to give a +1's to some of our friends, even though they are not in serious relationships. Now two of those friends have confirmed, but they cannot seem to get confirmation from their would-be dates. They have both asked if we can just "hold the extra spot". On the one hand it doesn't feel like that big of a deal because we did a lot for the extra space, but on the other hand, I'm annoyed because we are paying by the head, and we do need to give a final head count to our caterer. Do we just "assume" that those extra dates will show up and count them in our final count "just in case", or do I say "too bad so sad" to my friends? 

It should be noted, that I'm sure I'll be getting this from a few more people as well, and I just want to have a prepped response for those who may be in the same situation. I can't very well tell some people yes and others no. Can I?

Thanks ladies, I appreciate all your feedback. 

Re: Wishy Washy +1's

  • SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 2016
    Yeah, why so early?  This is about when one would expect invitations to be going out, not when the responses would be due back.  

    My place of employment often serves as a wedding venue.  We need final catering numbers 72 hours before the event.  Anything more than about a week is unnecessary.
    InLoveInQueensILoveBeachMusic
  • With the early deadline I'm not surprised you're getting so many "I don't know yet" responses. Caterers don't need hard numbers that far out so I would tell your friends a firm deadline closer to the actual wedding date (like September 1). 
    InLoveInQueens
  • I think some of your issue lies in your early response date.   Asking guests to confirm nearly 6 weeks out is just a bit too early.   Some people may not even be able to request their time off at that point.

    So I think you need to say to those wishy washy that you need to know by X date and after that time you'll put them down as a no.

     
    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree that most likely the reason you're getting wishy washy answers is because you're asking for replies way too early! Why do you need 6 weeks?? That's crazy. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • When is the actual deadline for hard numbers for the caterer? Most caterers don't need a final count until 7-10 days out (our caterer only needed 5 days). If your catering deadline is, say, September 1, then tell your friends you need a definite answer by August 31st. There is no reason to be asking for RSVPs this early.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    SP29STARMOON44InLoveInQueens
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Yeah, why so early?  This is about when one would expect invitations to be going out, not when the responses would be due back.  

    My place of employment often serves as a wedding venue.  We need final catering numbers 72 hours before the event.  Anything more than about a week is unnecessary.
    That has been the case of all the places I've worked at also.  Including the islands where all the food has to be flown or shipped in from the states.  

    We always get "soft" numbers before that (normally a month out and then again 14 days out.)   For those who do not know, soft numbers is the number of "yes" + the number of outstanding RSVPs on a given date.   The soft numbers gives us an idea of how many guests to expect.   

    I also have never heard of a caterer who will not allow you to add people to an event. Even in the days leading up to the wedding, let alone 6 weeks out.  Hell, they haven't even ordered the food that far out, let alone starting prepping the food.


    I agree with everyone else.  6 weeks is way too far out to RSVP.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Holy crazy early rsvp date! There's no way you need numbers this far out. 


    image
    InLoveInQueens
  • I know I've mentioned this before but our venue (not caterer, but the actual venue) required final headcount, paid in full 30 days out. It was silly since they have the chairs/tables on site and I even pushed back for a later date but there was no budging. 
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2016
    What's 30 days out? the 10thish (I'm bad at calender math).

    Three options (the first you should do anyway and the other two as backup).

    1. Keep trying with your venue.
    I'm guessing table count won't change much if guests come. Ask if you can give them head count within 5 and exact table count 30 days out and if you can give them exact head count 10 days out.

    2. Give your guests the real deadline.
    Tell them "I need hard numbers for the venue on August 10th. So I need to know by then if they are coming. If you don't know by this date I will mark them as a no.

    3. Just give them the place holders.
    If they end up not bringing dates it really sucks because you're paying for people who aren't there, and they weren't even people you had to invite to begin with. But it's the nice thing to do.
    SP29OurWildKingdom
  • edited August 2016
    kvruns said:
    I know I've mentioned this before but our venue (not caterer, but the actual venue) required final headcount, paid in full 30 days out. It was silly since they have the chairs/tables on site and I even pushed back for a later date but there was no budging. 


     *** I suck at formatting ***
    Sorry ladies I probably should have been clearer. Both my venue and my caterer need a final head count, and it is in fact my venue that is asking for the final head count 30 days in advance. I too tried to push back and ask for a few weeks later, but they weren't willing to budge on that one. I chose today as opposed to the 10th because I had figured some people would still sort of drag their feet, and it seemed like a good idea to be as conservative as possible. I am now understanding that may not have been wise of me. 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Your venue's policy sucks. 

    I've rarely worked an even that didn't have last minute cancellations. Your venue knows this and is making more money from you has a result.    Because there is absolutely NO reason to need hard numbers that far out.  None at all.   

    Trust me, I've worked for various different companies in various different cities, states and even on remote islands.  My own venue we had to rent everything from a place 1.5 hours away.  Not even the rental company needed hard numbers that far out.  Soft numbers are needed to get an idea.  Hard numbers?  No.

    Sorry they are being this way with you.


    That said, I find it hard to believe they will not let you add numbers between 1 to 30 days out.    I mean, who turns away business like that?  

     I would call your venue and explain the situation.   I had an 100 year old guest who had good days and bad days.  My venue let me add her up until the day before the wedding even though final numbers were do 72 hours out.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    OurWildKingdomILoveBeachMusiccowgirl8238
  • lyndausvi said:
    Your venue's policy sucks. 

    I've rarely worked an even that didn't have last minute cancellations. Your venue knows this and is making more money from you has a result.    Because there is absolutely NO reason to need hard numbers that far out.  None at all.   

    Trust me, I've worked for various different companies in various different cities, states and even on remote islands.  My own venue we had to rent everything from a place 1.5 hours away.  Not even the rental company needed hard numbers that far out.  Soft numbers are needed to get an idea.  Hard numbers?  No.

    Sorry they are being this way with you.


    That said, I find it hard to believe they will not let you add numbers between 1 to 30 days out.    I mean, who turns away business like that?  

     I would call your venue and explain the situation.   I had an 100 year old guest who had good days and bad days.  My venue let me add her up until the day before the wedding even though final numbers were do 72 hours out.
    I agree it totally sucks. I didn't think much of it when we reserved the space, and I honestly haven't had much cause to think about it even now as most of our guests responded rather quickly. But to your point, I think if it starts to become an issue I am just going to have to get on the phone and let them know I need more time. 

    I will say my favorite one though has been the place we wanted to use for a "Going Away Brunch" the next morning - they actually wanted a final head count two weeks out. We ended up just nixing them as an option - the idea that you could have any "real" idea of who will in fact show up to a day after brunch is just preposterous! Half the ones I've ever been invited to I didn't show up to because I was too hungover to get out of bed!!
    MandTFebruary62011
  • I think the best thing to do is to say if they cannot commit to coming by the hard deadline, then they're a no, but it may be possible to add people in between. They may be difficult about reducing numbers but it's in their interests to accept additional guests as more business for them.
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