My photographer didn't take one single shot of my family but took many of my husband's family..

Knottie82877882 · July 2016

Please help..I can't get over it..it is making me depressed.. For over a year and a half, I have been planning this destination wedding alone.. I say alone because I didn't get pretty much any help from my husband and/or from his big family (of four siblings).

My husband asked me if we could hire his wedding photographer friend for the event (the same guy has already registered his brother's wedding five years ago but I never got to see the photos because we live far from each other). I agreed since for him it was important.

I understood that the photographer is closer to my husband's family since they are friends for years (and they all speak english as first language). The fact that my parents don't speak english would complicate a bit the communication (although my only sister speaks fluent english).

So I have a small family: my parents + my sister + my nephew + me..
My husband's family is quite big: his parents + four siblings + two sisters-in-law + two nieces + one nephew + husband..

On the day of the wedding, my husband's family was just chilling while my parents were working hard on last minute details and trying to help everyone that needed attention (we were all - plus some friends - staying in a big house).

When I was almost done with my make-up, the photographer came and asked how long more for me to be ready and the makeup artist said "10 minutes". After that, my sister would be the one getting ready.

He was supposed to come back after this 10 minutes but instead, he came back after almost one hour and a half when my sister was ready and everyone was rushing to go to the church; there was not a single photo of us getting ready together. Guess what he was doing for all this time: fabulous family portraits - in all different angles possible - of my husband's family!

When he finally came back to my room, he took one shot of my nephew and one bad shot of my dad, my sister, my nephew and I, without my mom..! At this point, my mom has already left for the church (which was a 30min drive) and we didn't get one single shot of our family together (we rushed in 10min to take two shots of my family without my mom).

Since he was staying in the same house with us, after the wedding, he invited both families to the living room to show a slideshow of the first photos.. We started watching with big smiles and laughing until we noticed that we only saw around five bad photos of my family (not one with all together) and another 25 or more of my husband's family alone. My nephew didn't see himself and got upset (his is autistic) and so it upset my sister also (which has found out recently that is also autistic). My parents faces were showing how disappointed they were but they are too diplomatic to say anything. I later saw my sister and nephew crying and it broke my heart badly..my mom just got to know much later that she was the only one missing in the photo because the photographer never told us when these family photos should be taken and she didn't know about it.

I trusted he was the best wedding photographer from his region as my husband kept telling me, so I just let it all in his hands..he never once tried to ask me any list of essencial photos or never told me the sequence of them. Actually, he never said anything at all about how it should be and I was too stressed to notice this things at the time..

It has been ten days since the wedding and I feel like I failed my hard working family miserably and this is eating me alive.. All the guests were so happy with the wedding and I got loads of compliments for it but I came back from it with the saddest feeling that I didn't honour my parents hard work and disappointed my special sister.

My husband felt really bad about it but he defends the photographer since they are friends. I just cannot be myself anymore with the photographer (we used to get along). The photographer never admitted his mistakes, instead, he tried to blame the situation, saying that "my family was always scattered" while he should have called everyone for a family shot..

What hurts me the most is that I don't have a family shot with my mom..

I suffered of depression before and I am falling on this big black whole again..can't smile and can't focus..I'm very sad since I worked so hard for this wedding and my husband's family was the one that got the best memories..

Please share with me if you have been through something similar or if you know how to let this bad feeling go..

Thank you..

ernursej · July 2016

Knottie82877882 said:

Please help..I can't get over it..it is making me depressed.. For over a year and a half, I have been planning this destination wedding alone.. I say alone because I didn't get pretty much any help from my husband and/or from his big family (of four siblings).

My husband asked me if we could hire his wedding photographer friend for the event (the same guy has already registered his brother's wedding five years ago but I never got to see the photos because we live far from each other). I agreed since for him it was important.

I understood that the photographer is closer to my husband's family since they are friends for years (and they all speak english as first language). The fact that my parents don't speak english would complicate a bit the communication (although my only sister speaks fluent english).

So I have a small family: my parents + my sister + my nephew + me..
My husband's family is quite big: his parents + four siblings + two sisters-in-law + two nieces + one nephew + husband..

On the day of the wedding, my husband's family was just chilling while my parents were working hard on last minute details and trying to help everyone that needed attention (we were all - plus some friends - staying in a big house).

When I was almost done with my make-up, the photographer came and asked how long more for me to be ready and the makeup artist said "10 minutes". After that, my sister would be the one getting ready.

He was supposed to come back after this 10 minutes but instead, he came back after almost one hour and a half when my sister was ready and everyone was rushing to go to the church; there was not a single photo of us getting ready together. Guess what he was doing for all this time: fabulous family portraits - in all different angles possible - of my husband's family!

When he finally came back to my room, he took one shot of my nephew and one bad shot of my dad, my sister, my nephew and I, without my mom..! At this point, my mom has already left for the church (which was a 30min drive) and we didn't get one single shot of our family together (we rushed in 10min to take two shots of my family without my mom).

Since he was staying in the same house with us, after the wedding, he invited both families to the living room to show a slideshow of the first photos.. We started watching with big smiles and laughing until we noticed that we only saw around five bad photos of my family (not one with all together) and another 25 or more of my husband's family alone. My nephew didn't see himself and got upset (his is autistic) and so it upset my sister also (which has found out recently that is also autistic). My parents faces were showing how disappointed they were but they are too diplomatic to say anything. I later saw my sister and nephew crying and it broke my heart badly..my mom just got to know much later that she was the only one missing in the photo because the photographer never told us when these family photos should be taken and she didn't know about it.

I trusted he was the best wedding photographer from his region as my husband kept telling me, so I just let it all in his hands..he never once tried to ask me any list of essencial photos or never told me the sequence of them. Actually, he never said anything at all about how it should be and I was too stressed to notice this things at the time..

It has been ten days since the wedding and I feel like I failed my hard working family miserably and this is eating me alive.. All the guests were so happy with the wedding and I got loads of compliments for it but I came back from it with the saddest feeling that I didn't honour my parents hard work and disappointed my special sister.

My husband felt really bad about it but he defends the photographer since they are friends. I just cannot be myself anymore with the photographer (we used to get along). The photographer never admitted his mistakes, instead, he tried to blame the situation, saying that "my family was always scattered" while he should have called everyone for a family shot..

What hurts me the most is that I don't have a family shot with my mom..

I suffered of depression before and I am falling on this big black whole again..can't smile and can't focus..I'm very sad since I worked so hard for this wedding and my husband's family was the one that got the best memories..

Please share with me if you have been through something similar or if you know how to let this bad feeling go..

Thank you..

I'm really sorry that this was your experience. I can appreciate that having photos that included an equal amount of your side would be important.

I find that most concerns stem from a communication issue. While most photographers help to prompt their couples, it would be the responsibility of the couple to communicate their preferences (we want equal representation in the photos or we must have a shot of "x"). What communication did your groom have with him?

If you did have communication and a photography plan (that the groom laid out since you didn't have communication with him), I think you need to sit down with your husband and explain your concerns. He should have your back. You need to sit down with the photographer (or skype if you aren't geographically close) and explain your concerns in detail. "Groom asked for shots of us getting ready and there were none." "Groom asked for a group shot of my family and I and there isn't one that is satisfactory or with the whole family."

If you didn't have any communication about preferences/style/needs for the day, you may be out of luck for pictures from the day. **For lurkers, this is important to have crystal clear expectations of your vendors and why using friends is not always the best idea.

You could always think of doing another photoshoot at home with a different photographer. Wear your dress, groom can wear his wedding clothes and get together with your family for a fun couple of hours doing an activity you love. I saw a fun photoshoot that had the bride and groom playing board games with their bridal party ... you get the idea.

At the end of the day, you can't recreate that moment to get pictures. That does suck and I'm really sorry that happened to you. Let yourself be sad about it. Then develop a plan to move forward from it.

A wedding is just one day but the marriage is what matters. You got married to the person of your dreams and that is worth focusing on.

Edited for content because I re-read and realized that I missed part of OP's post.

CMGragain · July 2016

Are you in treatment for your depression? Are you taking medication? If not, you should see a doctor immediately.

Years ago, I brought my baby girl to see my grandmother. I brought my husband's camera (We used film in those days!) and took several photos of my grandmother holding my daughter. This was especially important because my father (her son) died when I was 15.
When I got home (1100 miles away) and had the film developed, it turned out that the camera had chosen that moment to malfunction. There were images, but they were very dark. I was heartbroken. Bought a new camera.

I am sorry that this happened to you. Did you think to give the photographer a list of the people you wanted in your photos? This is a part of planning your wedding photo shoot.

Did you know that the series of photos taken at today's weddings are a new idea? Before the 1970s, most people just had a formal bride and groom photo taken, in black and white - sometimes on the photographers studio, and on a different day.

I am sorry this happened to you, but it isn't the end of your world. I hope that there will be other occasions for you to have special pictures taken.

OliveOilsMom · July 2016

Knottie82877882 said:

Please help..I can't get over it..it is making me depressed.. For over a year and a half, I have been planning this destination wedding alone.. I say alone because I didn't get pretty much any help from my husband and/or from his big family (of four siblings).

My husband asked me if we could hire his wedding photographer friend for the event (the same guy has already registered his brother's wedding five years ago but I never got to see the photos because we live far from each other). I agreed since for him it was important.

I understood that the photographer is closer to my husband's family since they are friends for years (and they all speak english as first language). The fact that my parents don't speak english would complicate a bit the communication (although my only sister speaks fluent english).

So I have a small family: my parents + my sister + my nephew + me..
My husband's family is quite big: his parents + four siblings + two sisters-in-law + two nieces + one nephew + husband..

On the day of the wedding, my husband's family was just chilling while my parents were working hard on last minute details and trying to help everyone that needed attention (we were all - plus some friends - staying in a big house).

When I was almost done with my make-up, the photographer came and asked how long more for me to be ready and the makeup artist said "10 minutes". After that, my sister would be the one getting ready.

He was supposed to come back after this 10 minutes but instead, he came back after almost one hour and a half when my sister was ready and everyone was rushing to go to the church; there was not a single photo of us getting ready together. Guess what he was doing for all this time: fabulous family portraits - in all different angles possible - of my husband's family!

When he finally came back to my room, he took one shot of my nephew and one bad shot of my dad, my sister, my nephew and I, without my mom..! At this point, my mom has already left for the church (which was a 30min drive) and we didn't get one single shot of our family together (we rushed in 10min to take two shots of my family without my mom).

Since he was staying in the same house with us, after the wedding, he invited both families to the living room to show a slideshow of the first photos.. We started watching with big smiles and laughing until we noticed that we only saw around five bad photos of my family (not one with all together) and another 25 or more of my husband's family alone. My nephew didn't see himself and got upset (his is autistic) and so it upset my sister also (which has found out recently that is also autistic). My parents faces were showing how disappointed they were but they are too diplomatic to say anything. I later saw my sister and nephew crying and it broke my heart badly..my mom just got to know much later that she was the only one missing in the photo because the photographer never told us when these family photos should be taken and she didn't know about it.

I trusted he was the best wedding photographer from his region as my husband kept telling me, so I just let it all in his hands..he never once tried to ask me any list of essencial photos or never told me the sequence of them. Actually, he never said anything at all about how it should be and I was too stressed to notice this things at the time..

It has been ten days since the wedding and I feel like I failed my hard working family miserably and this is eating me alive.. All the guests were so happy with the wedding and I got loads of compliments for it but I came back from it with the saddest feeling that I didn't honour my parents hard work and disappointed my special sister.

My husband felt really bad about it but he defends the photographer since they are friends. I just cannot be myself anymore with the photographer (we used to get along). The photographer never admitted his mistakes, instead, he tried to blame the situation, saying that "my family was always scattered" while he should have called everyone for a family shot..

What hurts me the most is that I don't have a family shot with my mom..

I suffered of depression before and I am falling on this big black whole again..can't smile and can't focus..I'm very sad since I worked so hard for this wedding and my husband's family was the one that got the best memories..

Please share with me if you have been through something similar or if you know how to let this bad feeling go..

Thank you..

There is a lot of coulda, woulda, shoulda going on in your post. You are right to be mad at the photographer. But its also not 100% his fault, at anytime you could have called the photographer back when he didn't come back after the 10 minutes. You could have really benefited from a day of timeline as well. It also wouldn't have been out of line for you to be proactive in providing him with a list of shots.

The photographer should have accepted his role in this. He has not, I think it would be perfectly acceptable for you to give yourselves some space. If there is an event he will be at, then pass on it. Or if you go, you don't have to speak to him. If I were you I'd be pissed at H. He is defending the person who he insisted be the photographer of your wedding, only to not have any family portraits. I'm sure he would be feeling very different if it were his family missing from the photographs.

Is this photographer, a professional wedding photographer?

Lastly, if you feel yourself slipping into a depression again, please seek out help from your doctor or therapist. Hopefully, if you can talk this issue out, it may help relieve your worries and stress about this.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

climbingsingle · July 2016

I'm really sorry! I had a similar situation. My aunt is a pro photog and I hired her friend (also a pro) to shoot my wedding. When I got the pictures back, I realized he had taken almost NO pictures of my parents or my FI's mom. I actually have more pictures of my freaking aunt and her daughter/my cousin than anyone else. My mom was really hurt by this too.

I understand, I really do. Unfortunately there's not much you can really do, aside from expressing your displeasure to your H's friend. Which, since he's a friend, I'm not sure if you would want to do that. I would, if I were you. But this is something that you'll have to eventually accept and move on. I don't have many pictures of my mom from my wedding day, but I have wonderful memories of the day, and I won't let that spoil it.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with speaking to a therapist about this and how you feel. You're right to be upset! And talking to someone can really help immensely.

ei34 · July 2016

I'm sorry that you're so disappointed. Photos (from professional wedding shots to random, everyday iPhone pics) mean a lot to me, so I can totally see being bummed about this! Because you can't go back in time and re-do the day, my concern is more with your H who you said feels bad but it sounds like is siding more with his friend than you. If one member of a couple is ever this upset about something, ideally the other half is 100% supportive. Have you experienced other setbacks? How has your H responded to those?
I'd definitely advise that if you ever use a professional photographer in the future (newborn photo shoot, family reunion, etc.) you give him or her a list of "must-have" shots...again I'm really sorry that you don't have your parents, sister and nephew in photos!

kvruns · July 2016

I do understand the disappointment. My photos too are skewed to his family, but that is just because at the reception his family was up and dancing and mine was always just sitting and talking so there are a lot of fun pictures of his family and none of mine. I do have the pre-wedding family photos, which we had a list for and made sure we got them all, but I do wish I saw my family in some of the candid photos but it just didn't happen.

MairePoppy · July 2016

I'm really sorry about your disappointment. While I agree that you should have spoken up, the bride and groom are usually pretty busy the day of the wedding. You would think a professional wedding photographer would have asked for a list of shots that you wanted. If that didn't happen, he should have assumed you wanted pics of your family as well as the groom's, unless told otherwise.

Unfortunately, there is no way to make up for pics that weren't taken. Validation from your husband might help you to move on from your disappointment. Have you considered having a family portrait made with your parents? It won't make up for the wedding photos, but it will be a nice memento.

SP29 · July 2016

Sorry this happened to you. I understand being upset.

Unfortunately there is not much you can do.

Did you provide the photographer with a list of photos you wanted? For example, Bride + Parents, Bride + Mom, Bride + Dad, etc...
Did you provide the photographer with a timeline for photos? For example- 3pm, getting ready photos. 5pm ceremony.

What are you hoping to achieve out of this? Just to vent? Or are you trying to seek recourse from the photographer?

I do think your photographer did a poor job (a professional should understand to take a variety of photos), but if you didn't provide the photographer with a list of photos, you can't really say, "Well you did take photos of X,Y,Z". Or if you didn't provide a timeline, you can't really say, "You were there for the getting ready portion".

Unfortunately you cannot re-do your wedding day photos. But what you can do is hire a photographer (definitely a different one!) and have a photo shoot with your side of the family- wear your wedding attire again if you want to.

I also get the sense you are upset about a few things here. Your family was very generous to help you out so much with the wedding- thank them for that. But no one is under any obligation to do these things, so do not hold a grudge against your in-laws for not helping the way you think they should have. As for your DH- yes, he should have been helping you plan the wedding. I don't know the details of that, but you should have put your foot down long ago regarding that. I also understand you're upset that your DH isn't more on your side regarding the photos. I think you should have a frank talk with him. Let him know clearly why you are upset and how it makes you feel- go back to "I" statements, "when you didn't help me plan most of the aspects of the wedding it made me feel like....", "when the photographer only took pictures of your side of the family it made me feel like my family was less important. I am also sad I do not have any good captured moments with my family to remember the day".

MesmrEwe · August 2016

I replied in the XP ... but summary is ... Your H (notice no D in front of the H!), is frankly being an @$$ here and should be standing up for your position that his buddy messed up and empathizing your feelings on this.

Moving forward, set up a photo shoot with your family - the sooner the better, dress up, and take a formal family picture (even if this means hiring a florist to recreate your bouquet) in-studio. I would never use the buddy for any future photography needs. I also would confront the elephant in the room that he screwed up the pictures of your wedding if the situation properly presents itself. If the photographer is professional there will be photos of everyone, not just a few selected people!

You're justified in feeling a bit let down, but it's also about what you do next. It's o.k. to schedule a session with your therapist about this to discuss both the photographer fubar and the H and the situation moving forward as this is kind of a big red flag that should get some attention (and potentially counseling because situations like this are going to come up again, which is why we so strongly recommend premarital counseling of some sort as being the best money spent in regard to planning the marriage, not just the wedding!)...

MissKittyDanger · August 2016

Late to the post, OP did you get a chance to talk to the photographer?

I would mention something. Even though it cannot change the past, it will help them realize their mistake and not do it going forward.

At the time, if someone noticed one side of the family was getting more photos than the other something should have been said. With my wedding, I do notice now that more photos of my family - which is smaller - than my H's. However, there are lots of the photos we wanted and we spoke with or photographer, stating that we didn't want people standing around taking family photos so they're mostly "hey we're sitting together, can we get a photo?" kinda deal.

southernbelle0915 · August 2016

We had a similar situation. We hired two shooters for two reasons: 1) pre-wedding pics of both the bride/BMs and the groom/GMs and 2) one to shoot the WP and B&G during cocktail hour and one to shoot guests at cocktail hour.

Instead of taking pics of guests at cocktail hour, the other shooter decided to make a slideshow of ceremony photos to have running on a laptop at the reception (which we did not ask for). We asked her why she didn't do what we asked her to do and she came back with something stupid like "I thought you'd like the slideshow." Um no, we would like you to do what we hired you to do and specifically asked you to do...idiot. I'm actually still a little pissed about it...3+ years later.

But outside of saying something to them and writing online reviews, you can't recreate the day, recreate the pictures, etc. You just have to come to terms with it. I mean, you could ask for money back if you have stuff in writing, but no amount of money is going to bring back the moment, so I would probably just try to move on.

short+sassy · August 2016

scribe95 said:

Absolutely your photographer screwed up.

But it's a learning lessons to brides planning now - give a list of shots to the photog; set times for wedding party photos and each side's family photos; also don't have your family so busy handling stuff that they don't get to actually be part of the day.

I have to admit, I didn't think to do that either. But I got lucky and my photog did an amazing job. She even took cute photos I would have never thought of.

During the reception, there were two photos I thought of that I wanted so I approached her about them...she'd already taken them, lol.

With all that said, I see now what a gamble it was to just assume my photog would take the "typical" wedding shots...or that my version of "typical" was the same as hers.

My photographer didn't take one single shot of my family but took many of my husband's family..

Re: My photographer didn't take one single shot of my family but took many of my husband's family..

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