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This is just sad.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
A year and a half ago, my only living son killed himself. His estranged wife had called me to say he was threatening to hurt himself and that I should check on him. I found the body. My only source of light since then is my little grandson. My relationship with his mother is difficult at best. She was the one who wanted the divorce and didn’t want to try and save my son. Now she is getting married again. This stranger will be the one who raises my grandson, gets called Daddy, and might even adopt him. There is nothing I can do legally and I choke back my words even time I see her when she picks up my grandson from me. Can you think of anything to say that will convince her to stop this?

—Lost Son and Now Grandson

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Re: This is just sad.

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2016
    She blames her exDIL for her son's death.  I mean, how good of a relationship can she expect?  Also, I would not want my kid around someone who blamed me for their other parent's death, regardless of relation. 

    She's projecting an awful lot of fear onto something that may or may not happen (new husband becoming 'daddy', adoption, etc).  The way she can ensure not having a relationship with her grandson is continuing down the path she's on.  

    So, maybe she needs to back off and/or become more collaborative with her exDIL instead of pointing fingers and being bitter. 

    Also, how much money do you want to bet this lady may have been one of the catalysts in her son's divorce? 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I'm confused what she wants stopped. The woman isn't allowed to remarry? 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • MandyPandy87MandyPandy87 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer First Comment
    Grandma really needs some counseling. Unfortunately, it was only her son's decision to take his life. It's a horrible, horrible thing to happen to a mother. I can't even fathom. But she shouldn't blame exDIL for trying to move forward with her and her son's lives. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    She needs counseling for a few reasons.

    Ex-DIL has chosen to move on, and no that does not mean her grandson will call her new husband "daddy" nor does it mean he'll adopt the son.
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    I have a cousin who took his life, and despite having 3 other children and multiple grandchildren, my Aunt has never been the same.

    However, this woman needs grief counseling if she expects everyone's elses life to cease because she chose to stop living hers.  I imagine she wasn't a peach to deal with before the death, and now she sounds even worse.  This mom deserves kudos for not letting her relationship with her MIL to interfere with her sons.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    VarunaTT said:
    I have a lot of sympathy for this woman, grieving for a son who died by suicide.  She probably carries a lot of guilt along with her grief.  She probably needs to reach out for counseling.

    But, "She didn't want to try and save my son?"  Fuck that.  This is making me see red, b/c I had something similar said to me by now former MIL.  Let me tell you, being the caretaker/partner of a depressed person is hard.  It's the hardest thing to do, ever, b/c you provide a support system for that person, you have to support yourself, you're the one in charge of literally every single life thing, and somewhere in there you have to make sure you're not enabling the depressed person.  And there's literally almost no support system in the healthcare fields for the caretakers.  What there is?  A lot of the time makes you feel like the Evil Emperor for not "being there" for the depressed person.  

    Unless this mother lived with them every damn day and knew their lives, she needs to back off this woman.  And if she didn't with the nonsense she's spewing, I'd walk off with her grandkid too, which it doesn't seem the woman did.  "Nothing I can do legally," what the hell is that even about.  

    I'm pissed off now.

    I interpreted that to mean, as a grandparent, she can't fight for visitation rights and has to rely on the mother allowing her to see the grandchild.  Which, to be fair, I could understand that being frustrating to grandparents.  They (general they) love those children also.

    On the one hand, I understand it will be hard to see her grandchild raised by another man when her own son is gone.  But, at the same time, she needs to put aside her own discomfort and focus on what really matters...her grandson will have a (hopefully) loving and supportive father figure in his life.

    Children should be surrounded with people who love, support, and are a good influence on them. 

    And kudos to the exDIL for knowing that and putting her son's well being above her own.  She allows her child to visit with the grandma who apparently thinks she is, in part, responsible for the death of her exH.  Even if that has never been pointedly said to her, I'm sure she knows that's the attitude grandma has.

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  • glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    But it seems like the ex-DIL still brings grandson to see the LW so nothing from the post brings up an assumption that ex-DIL plans to stop these visits. The only things in my view (from the limited info given) that would get in the way of the relationship is LW herself and her terrible attitude. It must be absolutely terrible to have a relative kill themselves - let alone your child - but it isn't ex-DIL's fault, and she shouldn't have to put her life on hold. She definitely shouldn't live with being made to feel guilty for something that isn't her fault.
                 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    I agree @VarunaTT.  Losing a child, under any circumstances, is likely unimaginable pain.  I don't know the feeling, only have ever heard people describe it. 

    However, she is going to end up without contact with her grandson if she cannot stop blaming exDIL for the loss of her son.  Sadly, I don't think she's going to gain the perspective to get out of her own way. 
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    The other thing that LW doesn't see is that exDIL did try to get him help.  She reached out to the mother so that she could check on him.  I wonder if there is guilt issues on the LW's part where she felt she didn't get to him fast enough or didn't feel it was all that important to get to him quickly and LW projects those feelings onto exDIL.

    She needs some intensive grief counseling to at least get to a place where she doesn't blame anyone for her son's death. 

    Lastly, if they are in a state where grandparent's right do not exists, then the exDIL doesn't even need to let her see the grandson.  So exDIL is trying to do the right thing by allowing her son to keep up with his father's family.

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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    short+sassy said:
    VarunaTT said:
    I have a lot of sympathy for this woman, grieving for a son who died by suicide.  She probably carries a lot of guilt along with her grief.  She probably needs to reach out for counseling.

    But, "She didn't want to try and save my son?"  Fuck that.  This is making me see red, b/c I had something similar said to me by now former MIL.  Let me tell you, being the caretaker/partner of a depressed person is hard.  It's the hardest thing to do, ever, b/c you provide a support system for that person, you have to support yourself, you're the one in charge of literally every single life thing, and somewhere in there you have to make sure you're not enabling the depressed person.  And there's literally almost no support system in the healthcare fields for the caretakers.  What there is?  A lot of the time makes you feel like the Evil Emperor for not "being there" for the depressed person.  

    Unless this mother lived with them every damn day and knew their lives, she needs to back off this woman.  And if she didn't with the nonsense she's spewing, I'd walk off with her grandkid too, which it doesn't seem the woman did.  "Nothing I can do legally," what the hell is that even about.  

    I'm pissed off now.

    I interpreted that to mean, as a grandparent, she can't fight for visitation rights and has to rely on the mother allowing her to see the grandchild.  Which, to be fair, I could understand that being frustrating to grandparents.  They (general they) love those children also.

    On the one hand, I understand it will be hard to see her grandchild raised by another man when her own son is gone.  But, at the same time, she needs to put aside her own discomfort and focus on what really matters...her grandson will have a (hopefully) loving and supportive father figure in his life.

    Children should be surrounded with people who love, support, and are a good influence on them. 

    And kudos to the exDIL for knowing that and putting her son's well being above her own.  She allows her child to visit with the grandma who apparently thinks she is, in part, responsible for the death of her exH.  Even if that has never been pointedly said to her, I'm sure she knows that's the attitude grandma has.

    My in-laws weren't allowed to see one of their grandchildren due to a divorce. It greatly affected their lives. Grandparents want to be a part of the grandkids lives, and they have no legal rights.

    I feel sorry for this woman. She definitely needs grief counseling. I think her feelings are normal, but she needs to learn to how to deal with them. It must be very hurtful to realize another man will raise the children her son should be raising. I have a cousin who lost an adult child (car accident). He and his wife went through a lot together. Of course, they were depressed - who wouldn't be! They still have their moments, but are getting better. I hope LW can find the help she needs.
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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    NOLABridesmaid said:

    Yeah, I think it would be hard to see another man help raise your grandchild, when your son is no longer here to have those experiences. However, she needs to understand that it's only a blessing if he has a good man to help raise him.

    She does need help with her grieving, but after witnessing first hand a mom losing a son with some one close to me; it really is a hard thing to move forward with. For her sake and grandchild, she needs to keep the relationship with her DIL on good terms, so that she can play a role in her grandchild's life.

    All of this.  Great points.

    Even if DIL was to blame for something, and even if she shouldn't remarry so soon, it doesn't really matter.  You can't tell a grown woman not to marry someone else.  And doing so will only sever that relationship more.  I'm sure she wants to continue seeing her grandson, so her only choice is to be kind and supportive.

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