advice already received, thank you very much.

thestaircase · August 2016

edit: advice already received, thank you very much.

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

The extent of my involvement is to encourage him when he applies for promotions and celebrate or console for the appropriate outcome. It sounds like there's not a lot you can do. The person you're talking about owns a business so there's a clear difference in working for yourself and working for others. Don't beat yourself up.

ShesSoCold · August 2016

FFS, there is no "normal". Focus on your own damn marriage and stop comparing to others.

thisismynickname2 · August 2016

So... I think if you're a business owner, "helping your husband with his career" is also basically your own career, unless you're employed otherwise. My best friend's dad is a business owner and her mom did the books and ran the household. That's not about her mom supporting her husband's career, that's about her mom having a partnership in the family business. KWIM?

DH and I are each employed at totally separate organizations. Aside from sharing information about our days and bouncing ideas for career development off each other, we're not "involved" at all.

Oddly enough I was just watching Mona Lisa Smile on Netflix last night so your question reminds me of the 50's conservatives, when the woman's role was to support her husband's career by throwing dinner parties for the boss and stuff.

STARMOON44 · August 2016

Oh hey! Yet again, there is nothing wrong here except you are worrying too much. Zero people expect you to help your husband with his work, including him. No problem.

MissKittyDanger · August 2016

I think it depends on the career and relationship.

With my H I can't help him except be supportive when he's stressed. Currently I've looked up other potential jobs, knowing he's unhappy {mainly because I have time}

But why should it be just one way also? Does the original poster have her H help with her career?

ThisShamanluvsaMage · August 2016

I let him sleep during the day (night shift) and occasionally wash his uniforms. I might have packed hom a special birthday lunch to take once (maybe. Or maybe that was my exh. They work at the same correctional facility. I used to work there, too.)

It's his career, not mine. He's a big boy and can handle it w/o me. I have my own shit to worry about.

glasgowtolondon · August 2016

I don't do anything for FI's job except commiserate when he's had a shit day and encourage him when he needs it. It's been said before, and literally nothing you post suggests otherwise, but please consider therapy or counselling as you seem to feel inadequate about everything.

Ps. TL;DR is your friend.

levioosa · August 2016

Oh, you're back. FFS, just focus on your own marriage and what works for you two. And for the love of god, get some counseling.

I support SO and help him destress when he gets home. That's it, because there's nothing I can do for his job, because it's HIS job and I don't know how to do it. Just like he wouldn't have the first clue what to do to help me out (and it would be illegal too since I am in the medical profession). There's nothing wrong with just supporting your spouse and letting him do his job.

ernursej · August 2016

I support my FI by listening to him and occasionally going to work related parties/events. That is it.

OliveOilsMom · August 2016

The pattern of you having bad self-esteem is on display again. You need to get better counseling to help you build up your self-esteem. Your mother knocked you down so much that you have huge insecurities about yourself. Did you find a new therapist?

As PP said, some people can assist their SO in their professions, others cannot. You cannot help your DH because of the type of work he does requires certain licenses and endorsements. And yes you COULD do that work if you want to, you just need to learn how to perform those duties and get your proper licenses and endorsements.

You also do support your DH by making him meals after he gets home from work. Focus on the good that you do. And don't worry about how your life compares to other people. Focus on you and your DH.

SP29 · August 2016

You cannot compare yourself to this woman you read about.

Her DH owns his own business- she is actually working for him by doing advertising, book keeping, and managing duties- they just happen to share the same income. Whatever he makes as a profit from his business is theirs to share, and he is "saving money" by paying his wife to do these tasks instead of hiring an employee. This woman may or may not have her own job position as well.

Your DH doesn't own his own business (as it sounds), so I'm really not sure what you would do to help him?!?!

I do not help out my husband with his career beyond being supportive towards his endeavors. My DH works for a company, so there are administrative and other professionals in his company that do the book keeping, marketing, advertising, office management, and company management. There isn't anything for me to do besides say, "and how was your day?". I also have my own career.

NavyBlue143 · August 2016

I go to his company Christmas party and make sympathetic sounds when he vents about the code being broken. That's the extent of my help. I have zero ability to do anything else since I am not a programmer, and he would get fired and sued for showing me the code if I was because I am not an employee. I make breakfast muffins for the week every sunday so he gets protein, but that's it. My mom never helped my dad with his business, aside from doing the taxes because she's really good at it and handles finances anyway. She had her own career. That poster probably does those things for her H because they are necessary for the business and she likes/wants to do it. Most careers of working for someone else would probably find it unprofessional and potentially unethical to have a spouse handle your correspondence. You are creating a problem where there is none. Stop.

lovesclimbing · August 2016

It depends on the career. I think it is much more common for wives to "help" their husband when they own a business. Both of our parents own their own businesses (our dads essentially run/operate it) and our moms do the books and such. At a regular job, there usually isn't much to help with and it seems like it'd be weird to help.

That said, I agree wth previous posters. Don't try to insert yourself into his job. Being a trucker is NOT the kind of job you can just help with. I don't help my husband with his current job, and I am not a bad wife for not doing so. You really really really need to stop comparing yourself with others.

lyndausvi · August 2016

I'm very active in DH's career (chef). He highly encouraged the club to also hire me. He loves when I'm working. He feels the restaurant runs a little better when I'm there. I'm his biggest cheerleader.

We also met at work. So there's that too.

For the most part, couples in the same business and/or are a business owners will just naturally be more involved than a couple who have careers in different industries.

Neither is right or wrong. Just is.

climbingsingle · August 2016

Do you really think that you're supposed to be helping more with your H's job? He drives a giant fuel tanker truck. Not only do you not have a CDL, but you have no idea how to operate anything in or around that truck. And in fact, your presence around that truck would be detrimental.

Stop looking for problems where there are none!

My H runs his own business. I am not at all involved in his job, aside from listening to him talk about his clients. I've never helped on a job, I've never contacted clients, I've never written up an invoice. It's his business that he started (long before me) and I don't get involved. He's able to run it himself and he does not need me to help. And alternately, he is not at all involved in my job, other than listening to be complain about my boss.

charlotte989875 · August 2016

lyndausvi said:

I'm very active in DH's career (chef). He highly encouraged the club to also hire me. He loves when I'm working. He feels the restaurant runs a little better when I'm there. I'm his biggest cheerleader.

We also met at work. So there's that too.

For the most part, couples in the same business and/or are a business owners will just naturally be more involved than a couple who have careers in different industries.

Neither is right or wrong. Just is.

This is really similar to our situation. We met in grad school, and in the same field, and H was a spousal hire (I was hired first and part of my negotiations was a position for him). We share information, frustrations, success; but I don't do his research, plans his classes, etc and he doesn't do that for me.

Also, I have to echo everyone else and say what works for us doesn't work for everyone else. You have started a number of posts here comparing your relationship to other people and are repeatedly given the same advice; stop doing it and get some better counseling.

MissKittyDanger · August 2016

NavyBlue143 said:

I go to his company Christmas party and make sympathetic sounds when he vents about the code being broken. That's the extent of my help. I have zero ability to do anything else since I am not a programmer, and he would get fired and sued for showing me the code if I was because I am not an employee. I make breakfast muffins for the week every sunday so he gets protein, but that's it. My mom never helped my dad with his business, aside from doing the taxes because she's really good at it and handles finances anyway. She had her own career. That poster probably does those things for her H because they are necessary for the business and she likes/wants to do it. Most careers of working for someone else would probably find it unprofessional and potentially unethical to have a spouse handle your correspondence. You are creating a problem where there is none. Stop.

My H is a programmer too!

CMGragain · August 2016

I had absolutely no idea what my husband's job was about. He was (retired now) a senior electronics engineer for a VERY high security government agency at Fort Meade, MD for 33 years. After 9/11, I couldn't even drive him into work because there were guards posted at the gate. He never spoke about his work - government policy. It was a very high stress job, and I saw the effects it had on him.
I understand that some wives became nervous about this lack of communication. I wasn't among them. I knew that DH was doing his best to keep our country safe, and that this required him to keep silent about his job. I also trust this man completely. God bless America.

PS. My Dad drove a tanker truck for Phillips Petroleum for many years. No road problems. Cancer got him at age 44.

advice already received, thank you very much.

Re: advice already received, thank you very much.

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