My brother doesnt want to bring his kids!?!?

penguinpop · August 2016

I need to vent, so sorry in advance for the long rant. My wedding is in a year. I told my brother before I told anyone else knowing his kids (aged 10 and 8) might be at summer camp, and I figured a year is enough notice for him to make plans to include the kids in the wedding.

Before I could even finish telling him he cut me off and said THE KIDS AREN'T COMING, AND I AM NOT TAKING THEM OUT OF CAMP.

I said this is a full year's notice, you can work something out, and he just said NOPE, NOT DOING IT.

I am really hurt. I wanted my niece and nephew to be in the wedding party and to meet their new family and other cousins their age. This isn't the first time he has done this either. I was engaged to someone else a few years ago (but never got married) and my brother told me when we were planning the wedding that there was no way he was taking the kids because he didn't want to travel with them (at that time I lived at the opposite side of the country). His wife also wasn't going to come.
The strange part is he flies to California all the time to see his wife's family with the kids, so it's not that he doesn't travel cross country with them. He just did not want them to come to my wedding. My mom even offered to pay for their plane tickets.
He takes the kids all the time to do all kinds of family events with his wife's side of the family. He has never once taken the kids to one of our family events, ever. I know that if this was his wife's sibling getting married they would take the kids out of camp for a day and it wouldn't be an issue.

His wife for some strange reason does not like anyone on his and my side of the family. My parents and I are baffled and there is zero explanation from my brother. He will not tell us why and pretends the issue doesn't exist. We tried to be warm and welcoming to her and she has totally withdrawn. She was cold and rude to me at her wedding and I had only met her once beforehand and she didn't speak to me then either. It can't be something that I did. When I have gone to visit them she leaves or just says nothing to me and ignores me. I have noticed that my brother tries to schedule visits for when she is not around and will not let anyone from my family drop by if we are int he area. She does the same with my parents and 96 year old grandma who is the sweetest nicest old lady ever.

When my other grandma was in a nursing home, my brother refused to take the kids to visit her, but he took them to visit his wife's grandma in a nursing home multiple times. I have met her parents a few times and they are nice friendly people, so I don't see where this is coming from.

This is some weird thing with our entire side of the family and this certainly stems from my SIL, but I can't believe how much the kids are missing out because of this.

After my brother told me the kids weren't coming he changed the subject and talked to me about parenting today and how it's all about crafting cool experiences for your kids and creating memories that he never got to have. How about the memories of being in their aunts wedding and meeting the rest of the family?

AddieCake · August 2016

penguinpop said:

I need to vent, so sorry in advance for the long rant. My wedding is in a year. I told my brother before I told anyone else knowing his kids (aged 10 and 8) might be at summer camp, and I figured a year is enough notice for him to make plans to include the kids in the wedding.

Before I could even finish telling him he cut me off and said THE KIDS AREN'T COMING, AND I AM NOT TAKING THEM OUT OF CAMP.

I said this is a full year's notice, you can work something out, and he just said NOPE, NOT DOING IT.

I am really hurt. I wanted my niece and nephew to be in the wedding party and to meet their new family and other cousins their age. This isn't the first time he has done this either. I was engaged to someone else a few years ago (but never got married) and my brother told me when we were planning the wedding that there was no way he was taking the kids because he didn't want to travel with them (at that time I lived at the opposite side of the country). His wife also wasn't going to come.
The strange part is he flies to California all the time to see his wife's family with the kids, so it's not that he doesn't travel cross country with them. He just did not want them to come to my wedding. My mom even offered to pay for their plane tickets.
He takes the kids all the time to do all kinds of family events with his wife's side of the family. He has never once taken the kids to one of our family events, ever. I know that if this was his wife's sibling getting married they would take the kids out of camp for a day and it wouldn't be an issue.

His wife for some strange reason does not like anyone on his and my side of the family. My parents and I are baffled and there is zero explanation from my brother. He will not tell us why and pretends the issue doesn't exist. We tried to be warm and welcoming to her and she has totally withdrawn. She was cold and rude to me at her wedding and I had only met her once beforehand and she didn't speak to me then either. It can't be something that I did. When I have gone to visit them she leaves or just says nothing to me and ignores me. I have noticed that my brother tries to schedule visits for when she is not around and will not let anyone from my family drop by if we are int he area. She does the same with my parents and 96 year old grandma who is the sweetest nicest old lady ever.

When my other grandma was in a nursing home, my brother refused to take the kids to visit her, but he took them to visit his wife's grandma in a nursing home multiple times. I have met her parents a few times and they are nice friendly people, so I don't see where this is coming from.

This is some weird thing with our entire side of the family and this certainly stems from my SIL, but I can't believe how much the kids are missing out because of this.

After my brother told me the kids weren't coming he changed the subject and talked to me about parenting today and how it's all about crafting cool experiences for your kids and creating memories that he never got to have. How about the memories of being in their aunts wedding and meeting the rest of the family?

I understand being hurt, especially since this seems to be an ongoing issue, but you can't force him to bring the kids or allow them to be in the wedding party. It sounds like something is definitely going on, and the only way to find out is to directly ask him what's up. If you're not comfortable doing that, it will just have to remain a mystery.

OurWildKingdom · August 2016

I feel your pain. ((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

missfrodo · August 2016

I'm sorry that your brother is acting this way. I always see the best advice given here that you can't change someone's behavior for your wedding, you can only change how you react to that behavior. So you can't have your niece and nephew at your wedding or any other family events, which is frustrating.
If you call the house, are you allowed to speak with your niece and nephew? Or would SIL block your call? If you sent a letter to their summer camp, would they get it? You could call or write to them, letting them know you're getting married and how you're thinking of them at this time, and how special they are to you. By avoiding talking about why he's cut his kids off from your family, he's being a bit of a kid himself.

charlotte989875 · August 2016

missfrodo said:

I'm sorry that your brother is acting this way. I always see the best advice given here that you can't change someone's behavior for your wedding, you can only change how you react to that behavior. So you can't have your niece and nephew at your wedding or any other family events, which is frustrating.
If you call the house, are you allowed to speak with your niece and nephew? Or would SIL block your call? If you sent a letter to their summer camp, would they get it? You could call or write to them, letting them know you're getting married and how you're thinking of them at this time, and how special they are to you. By avoiding talking about why he's cut his kids off from your family, he's being a bit of a kid himself.

I agree the brother and SIL are being ridiculous, but this is how they are choosing to parent their children. Is it short sighted and does the OP have a right to feel hurt? Of course, but I don't think that means she should go around the parents decision and tell them about the wedding. Right or wrong this is the parents choice.

I see no problem with writing them or calling them, but telling them about the wedding that the parents have decided the children aren't attending seems wrong as well. It's like "Oh we're having this great party I know your parents won't let you come to, but wanted to tell you about it anyway".

mrsconn23 · August 2016

charlotte989875 said:

missfrodo said:

I'm sorry that your brother is acting this way. I always see the best advice given here that you can't change someone's behavior for your wedding, you can only change how you react to that behavior. So you can't have your niece and nephew at your wedding or any other family events, which is frustrating.
If you call the house, are you allowed to speak with your niece and nephew? Or would SIL block your call? If you sent a letter to their summer camp, would they get it? You could call or write to them, letting them know you're getting married and how you're thinking of them at this time, and how special they are to you. By avoiding talking about why he's cut his kids off from your family, he's being a bit of a kid himself.

I agree the brother and SIL are being ridiculous, but this is how they are choosing to parent their children. Is it short sighted and does the OP have a right to feel hurt? Of course, but I don't think that means she should go around the parents decision and tell them about the wedding. Right or wrong this is the parents choice.

I see no problem with writing them or calling them, but telling them about the wedding that the parents have decided the children aren't attending seems wrong as well. It's like "Oh we're having this great party I know your parents won't let you come to, but wanted to tell you about it anyway".

Yes! It is 100% wrong to try and usurp parenting decisions, even if you don't agree with them. The parents are assholes, but they're not abusing the kids. And it's putting the kids in the middle of whatever is going on between OP's brother/SIL and her.

OP, how often do you see your brother in person? Next time you see him, ask him to go to coffee or out for a drink. TELL him that you're baffled by his complete lack of interest in your family and frustrated that it seems that he doesn't want to be involved.

Don't bring up the stuff he does with his wife's family, because it will likely make him defensive and you look petty to him (even if you *DO* have a point).

Just explain to him that it hurts you, you want his kids to know you and you want to be involved with them, and ask if there's anything that can be done to bridge the gap. If he isn't responsive, then at least you tried.

Also, are you close with your niece/nephew? Does he act differently around his wife? Has he *ever* had an explanation as to why she has such disinterest/active dislike of your family (whom she apparently doesn't know)?

Heffalump · August 2016

missfrodo said:

I'm sorry that your brother is acting this way. I always see the best advice given here that you can't change someone's behavior for your wedding, you can only change how you react to that behavior. So you can't have your niece and nephew at your wedding or any other family events, which is frustrating.
If you call the house, are you allowed to speak with your niece and nephew? Or would SIL block your call? If you sent a letter to their summer camp, would they get it? You could call or write to them, letting them know you're getting married and how you're thinking of them at this time, and how special they are to you. By avoiding talking about why he's cut his kids off from your family, he's being a bit of a kid himself.

Ugh, NO. Undermining their parents' authority will only make this relationship worse and make it even less likely that she'll get to see those kids.

OP, is it at all possible that your family is dysfunctional in some way? I have seen this with friends and extended family: sometimes people grow up in a dysfunctional family, and then when they have their own relationships and families, they gain enough perspective to realize how messed up their family is. Sometimes they can deal, sometimes they end up putting some distance between themselves and their [original] family.

Obviously I don't have enough info from your post to know whether this is the case. But the whole "everything was fine until she came along" reminded me of those situations. Sometimes it looks very different from the other side.

And TBH, the whole "this is a whole year's notice so you can change your plans" comes off as kind of presumptuous. I totally understand wanting them there. I just think it would have been kinder to leave it at "I hope you can all make it," knowing that it's beyond your control, rather than implying that it's their job to rearrange their plans to suit yours.

Heffalump · August 2016

Not to be all creepy-stalker, but I noticed you had a nine year badge, so I looked at some of your other posts. TBH, your family sounds..challenging. Especially your mom. You sound really stressed out. Maybe your brother decided he just doesn't want to deal with the drama constantly.

mrsconn23 · August 2016

Heffalump said:

Not to be all creepy-stalker, but I noticed you had a nine year badge, so I looked at some of your other posts. TBH, your family sounds..challenging. Especially your mom. You sound really stressed out. Maybe your brother decided he just doesn't want to deal with the drama constantly.

OMG! 9 years of planning? How many times have you set a date/location, told everyone, and then changed it?

I kind of see your brother's point here. And no matter who it is, an invitation is never, ever a summons.

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

mrsconn23 said:
OMG! 9 years of planning? How many times have you set a date/location, told everyone, and then changed it?

I kind of see your brother's point here. And no matter who it is, an invitation is never, ever a summons.

Mine shows I'm a member for a year, but I originally joined as a MOH. I've only been planning since December. She also said this is her second engagement.

mrsconn23 · August 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

mrsconn23 said:
OMG! 9 years of planning? How many times have you set a date/location, told everyone, and then changed it?

I kind of see your brother's point here. And no matter who it is, an invitation is never, ever a summons.

Mine shows I'm a member for a year, but I originally joined as a MOH. I've only been planning since December. She also said this is her second engagement.

I followed @Heffalump down the rabbit hole and OP says in other posts that she's been planning this for 9 years with a lot of stops and starts.

*Barbie* · August 2016

mrsconn23 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

mrsconn23 said:
OMG! 9 years of planning? How many times have you set a date/location, told everyone, and then changed it?

I kind of see your brother's point here. And no matter who it is, an invitation is never, ever a summons.

Mine shows I'm a member for a year, but I originally joined as a MOH. I've only been planning since December. She also said this is her second engagement.

I followed @Heffalump down the rabbit hole and OP says in other posts that she's been planning this for 9 years with a lot of stops and starts.

I didn't go down the rabbit hole, but I doubt we have the real story. I'm thinking brother may have a very good reason to limit contact with OP/OP's FI.

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

mrsconn23 said:
I followed @Heffalump down the rabbit hole and OP says in other posts that she's been planning this for 9 years with a lot of stops and starts.

Well then...I stand corrected.

banana468 · August 2016

Maybe there's a lot of baggage here that bro doesn't want to get into.

The other part may be cost. Or it may be that they know that it's easier to travel without the kids. We just went to a wedding in FL without our kids and it wasn't because they weren't invited - we just wanted to go solo.

Heffalump · August 2016

mrsconn23 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

mrsconn23 said:
OMG! 9 years of planning? How many times have you set a date/location, told everyone, and then changed it?

I kind of see your brother's point here. And no matter who it is, an invitation is never, ever a summons.

Mine shows I'm a member for a year, but I originally joined as a MOH. I've only been planning since December. She also said this is her second engagement.

I followed @Heffalump down the rabbit hole and OP says in other posts that she's been planning this for 9 years with a lot of stops and starts.

Yeah, it looks like it's been a really long and tumultuous process. Maybe the brother is like "We're not rearranging camp plans for next summer when wedding plans will probably change again by then." I could understand that reasoning.

The FI sounds like he's been really patient thus far. I can't imagine a nine year engagement, and changing plans/putting them on hold due to my in-laws.

kerbohl · August 2016

I really wanted all my nieces and nephews at my wedding, especially for photos since they are family and I love them. My brother refused to bring his children because his wedding was child-free and that's how weddings should be regardless of what my thoughts were. Did it hurt not to have his two children there? Oh yeah. But he made that decision, and I just had to deal with it and move on. I'm not saying it's not hard to do that, but if you push back on his decision, it might strain your relationship with your brother. Believe me, I tried a little push-back, and it didn't go well and I learned my lesson. The fact that your brother does this more often with your family events is odd - perhaps that is a discussion with him for another day, when it's about your family in general and not just your wedding.

penguinpop · August 2016

mrsconn23 said:

Heffalump said:

Not to be all creepy-stalker, but I noticed you had a nine year badge, so I looked at some of your other posts. TBH, your family sounds..challenging. Especially your mom. You sound really stressed out. Maybe your brother decided he just doesn't want to deal with the drama constantly.

OMG! 9 years of planning? How many times have you set a date/location, told everyone, and then changed it?

I kind of see your brother's point here. And no matter who it is, an invitation is never, ever a summons.

Thanks for stalking! I was previously engaged to an abusive jerk who was controlling and made me think everything was constantly my fault. I felt very stuck in the relationship and like I had to get married and didn't have a choice. I didn't go through with marrying him. Once I left him, many family issues resolved. I didn't realize it at the time, but my parents and grandparents were doing everything possible to give me a hard time so I wouldn't get married. They stressed me out to the max! Grandma came out and said she was giving me a really hard time on purpose so I wouldn't marry him! His family was also very dysfunctional. I kind of wish my parents had just come out and told me they didn't want me to marry him and would let me move back home, because I thought they liked him a lot (though they were constantly sending me mixed signals about wanting to be supportive of me) which was putting more pressure on me to stay in the relationship and go through with the wedding.

Regardless, I am out, left him, never actually married him. Best decision ever!!! I am a whole new person and it's wonderful. I am now planning a wedding with my BRAND NEW AWESOME fiance. This current wedding is to a really genuinely wonderful guy who treats me well and we are really in love. His family is awesome. My family adores him (for real!) and planning this wedding the second time around so far has been really fun and super easy. No issues from any parents about anything!

We have already made probably 90% more progress planning in a few weeks of being engaged than I did in the many years of the last relationship. it helps to be really enthusiastic about it

MesmrEwe · August 2016

OP - much as it sucks, you can't control your brother nor his choice not to bring the kids for the weekend. Quite honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he comes up with a lame excuse to back out of attending himself given what you've said. Does it hurt/sting and is it appropriate to feel the way you do - absolutely. That still doesn't give you the right to take it further with your brother, let him decide for himself the extent to which he wants a relationship with any of you, and accept it for what it is. Send his invitation as you would any other guest, and let him make his choice.

Jen4948 · August 2016

Ouch, that hurts.

But sadly, there isn't anything you can do about it except accept his decision. Even if you set your wedding date for a day when his kids are with him, you can't force him to bring them to the wedding.

The best you can do is include them in your invitation, even if your brother doesn't bring them. It sounds like he doesn't even plan to bring himself.

I get that it sucks to be in a situation like that. The best thing you can do is go on and plan the wedding you would like, for the time of year that works for you-even if he and his kids aren't there.

My brother doesnt want to bring his kids!?!?

Re: My brother doesnt want to bring his kids!?!?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards