Wedding Woes

I'm bored, so curious what all of you think...

So I've been reading a long discussion on the other WW (not sure if I can post a link to it but it's titled "I might be crazy.") and the woman who wrote it's FI went on his bachelor party last weekend in Vegas. She said she was fine with them going to a strip club, but instead his friends spent $3k to have fully nude strippers in their hotel room.

Her FI came home and basically explained everything that happened and asked her not to mention anything to his friend's girlfriends, because those guys aren't telling their GF's what they did. 

So now she wants to know if she's crazy for being upset by them having fully nude strippers in their hotel room.

What would you do? What advice would you give her?

My opinion: I think I would be a little miffed if I found out there were naked women in my FI's hotel room. That's quite a difference from a strip club, but some of these posters are going so far as to say he *definitely* had sex with the strippers and she needs to leave him and find a new man. I think that's a bit of a stretch, no? I mean, yeah stuff like that does happen, but I don't think he would be so upfront about it. It seems like they're having pretty open conversations about it, which I think is key here to resolving this and moving forward.
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Re: I'm bored, so curious what all of you think...

  • See, I'm ok with neither strippers at a club nor strippers in a hotel room, although I recognize that some would find one ok and the other not ok. Obviously what matters is what this woman is ok with.

    But I also wouldn't assume the guy slept with one of them...

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    ThisShamanluvsaMageILoveBeachMusicsparklepants41InLoveInQueens
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer

    Yeah I wouldn't have been cool with any kind of strippers regardless of what clothing, if any, they were wearing. I know it doesn't bother some people, but it would have upset me a lot. DH didn't want anything like that, so he would have actually been upset if his friends did something like that.

    I do think it's pretty extreme for someone to assume that he slept with one of the strippers, though.


    ThisShamanluvsaMageSP29cowgirl8238sparklepants41
  • monkeysip said:
    See, I'm ok with neither strippers at a club nor strippers in a hotel room, although I recognize that some would find one ok and the other not ok. Obviously what matters is what this woman is ok with.

    But I also wouldn't assume the guy slept with one of them...
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    SP29cowgirl8238
  • All of your responses are why I enjoy posting on here over WW. Many of them just seem very alarmist and really jump to conclusions! @lyndausvi you're completely right that this isn't just a one size fits all.
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  • I am fine with strippers (and have been to clubs/private rooms with H) and I don't think I'd care if it was a whole group back at the hotel room with the strippers. Just him? I'd be pissed, his whole group of friends? I just don't think it would bother me. They've hired strippers for private parties in the past (so an event space, not a a strip club) and I haven't cared. I also know he would never cheat and strippers aren't his cup of tea, so I wouldn't be worried. 

    I also respect that that other people have different views on this than I do and that isn't wrong, and it definitely doesn't mean they don't trust their spouse I think it's just that we have different comfort levels with this. 
    MandyPandy87mrsconn23
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2016
    I think if it's nothing they've ever discussed (strippers vs. no strippers) and it's  something he's never done before, she needs to just tell him she's upset and they need to find a way to move on.  I mean, nothing about what went down can be changed.   Harping on it or acting like she doesn't trust him won't help in the long run. 

    As far as the 'don't tell anyone else'...IDK.  In my experience, I think being the messenger is not worth it and the guys who went will find out she said something.  Therefore, she has to weigh being honest with the fallout from being the messenger. If there's no clear evidence that anything beyond strippers being there went on, then I don't see how blabbing can help anyone. 

    Personally, I've been to strip clubs with my husband (with a group of people) and we've been to a private party where there was a naked bartender (which we didn't know about until we went to the party, but IDK if it would have deterred us from going).  If my husband was out at a bach party or a guy's night and they decided to go to a strip club, I wouldn't really be bothered by it.  However, it's not really his thing to want to go just for shits and grins.   I wouldn't be upset unless I felt he was keeping something from me about what happened.  My husband doesn't do well holding shit in, so the truth would come out eventually.  And he has NO problem gossiping to me about other people.  

    So yeah, from what I'm reading here (I haven't read the OP)...people need to calm the fuck down and unclutch the pearls. 
    charlotte989875SP29ShesSoCold
  • I'm not really thrilled with DH seeing strippers in general but I just prefer he tells me what's going on.   For the most recent bachelor party they opted for in-room entertainment.   He told me in advance that's what they were doing.   I didn't love it but at the same time I'm not going to make him stop either.

    And I do trust him.   So there wasn't a concern that I thought he was giving me only part of the information.

    I think a lot of this sums up to being honest with your partner.   If something is going to be a deal breaker for them then don't do it.   And FFS, just say it in advance.   
    charlotte989875DrillSergeantCatSP29cowgirl8238
  • My FH spent almost 3Gs at strip clubs during a business trip last winter. I was definitely upset about the money more than anything else.
    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Personally, I wouldn't be happy with strippers, but DH knows this an isn't into strippers anyway (he clearly told his friends NO strippers).

    As for the OP, I would appreciate FI's honesty. I agree that OP can tell her FI, "The strippers upset me and I would hope that out of respect for my feelings, this isn't an activity you would engage in again" then let it go.

    I DON'T think anything about the strippers or in the room meant that OP's FI slept with anyone.

    As for keeping quiet- I would. Unless I KNEW something concrete that I felt would hurt one of the other guys' significant others, I don't think it's my business. It's between that couple to handle their communication issues.
  • Just wanted to add that I'd actually probably only be upset that they spent $3000. 
    Agreed!
                 
    bleve0821mrsconn23SP29cowgirl8238
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    FI is a serious germaphobe so strip clubs gross him out, so he's probably prefer the experience in a hotel room. I think if I can't trust him in one place, I can't trust him anywhere. 

    I haven't read the other board but it sounds like a lot of insecurity and projection to me. 
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    charlotte989875
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    SO doesn't like strip clubs. That being said, I read the post to him, and he said, "they are totally different things."  I think there is a line between strip club with no touch rules (which was pretty much the agreement stipulated between the OP and her FI) and a nude lap dance in a hotel room.  Obviously the OP was uncomfortable with it, and I don't really see how the FI can be super confused about it.  He did tell her though, and I really don't think he slept with the stripper.  That seems like a huge stretch.  


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  • Personally? If I trust my SO, I trust my SO. I don't care what situation he's in. But I think the issue here is setting boundaries.

    I feel like if you have those boundaries (strip club is ok, strippers in private is not), that's something you should discuss with your FI. Similarly, if you have not discussed that, I don't think he's out of line to assume you're ok with it if you're ok with the strip club.

    In other words, I think she's obviously fine to be upset. She's entitled to her feelings no matter what. But I don't think she's being fair to punish/hold her FI accountable for a boundary he didn't know existed. Even the fact that he told her straight out implies to me that he didn't think it was a problem. I don't love that he's asking her to keep a secret from the g/fs. That bothers me.


    short+sassy
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yes, I'd say it's a stretch to say he definitely had sex with them.  And he did tell her, so that's a good sign. However, the red flag to me is that he didn't leave, especially if he knew she was not ok with it.

    This would be a deal breaker for me. I would not be ok with my H going to a strip club or having strippers at his bachelor party.  If he was ok with strippers at all, we never would have gotten engaged or married in the first place.  Fortunately, I trust my H to immediately leave if such a situation presented itself. I know that my H is not ok with strippers, and the guys he's friends with are also not ok with strippers, so this situation would never happen.

    monkeysipthefanciestbeckler
  • I find it really sad and insulting that many of the posters on the other site seem to have such a piss poor assumption about all men everywhere.  Like, "of course he slept with the stripper" because, you know, naked woman in a hotel room=men turning into beasts that can't control themselves.  Gender stereotypes for men are just as ugly as they are for women.

    The OP (from the other board) needs to let this go.  She was okay with strippers at a club.  They never discussed in a hotel room, probably because neither one thought of it.  He now knows she isn't okay with that for the future.  Fair enough, but it is not fair to fault him after the fact.  Perhaps minor annoyance, but GEEZ, certainly nothing to dump him over or make a giant to-do about.

    However, about the whole "don't tell their g/fs".  My response would have been, "Well, I certainly won't specifically bring it up.  But I'm not going to lie to your friends' g/fs either, if they ask me a point blank question."

    I personally don't care about my H frequenting a strip club or strippers in a hotel room.  I'd care if it was just him, but with a bunch of friends for a night out or a bachelor party or whatever, just not a big deal to me.  It's actually not his cup of tea anyway and even turned down a bachelor party offer by his BM. 

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    charlotte989875OurWildKingdomVarunaTT
  • However, about the whole "don't tell their g/fs".  My response would have been, "Well, I certainly won't specifically bring it up.  But I'm not going to lie to your friends' g/fs either, if they ask me a point blank question."

    Agreed with this ^.  I don't think this is the kind of scenario where you should blab to someone, but I also don't lie for anyone.  

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    OurWildKingdomcowgirl8238short+sassy
  • Very early in our relationship my SO traveled to go to a high school friend's bachelor party. He expected there to likely be strippers (given the crew), but didn't really know the details. I figured they'd end up going to a strip club and told him that was fine. It ended up being a private show in their rented house - which to me isn't really that different. There's no way SO would have ever requested that from his friends, but it's not an outlandish thing for guys to do at a bachelor party. I think it would be pretty strange to get up and leave, IMO. Expecting my SO to would have likely embarrassed him in front of his friends pretty unnecessarily. 

    BTW - my BF came back and just told me how badly he felt for the stripper and how ridiculous she looked. Not his cup of tea. Again, it really wouldn't have been worth it to expect him to get up and be embarrassed when all he did was sit there and not enjoy it. He's already told me that if he does get a bachelor party, he wants to do a ski weekend or a camping trip or something that feels more "him". 

    Everyone is entitled to their opinion and level of comfort with these things, but sometimes it's best to just let things shake out how they shake out and not cause a huge fuss for nothing. YKWIM?
    OurWildKingdomDrillSergeantCatshort+sassy
  • IDK if this is common elsewhere, but in vegas, a lot of the 'private strippers' are actually just prostitutes who also strip and put on more of a show (toys, other 'strippers', etc). So I get some inherent nervousness with that. I think there is a huge difference between hiring a stripper and hiring a prostitute. I still think it's a jump to assume he automatically slept with her though.

    image
  • IDK if this is common elsewhere, but in vegas, a lot of the 'private strippers' are actually just prostitutes who also strip and put on more of a show (toys, other 'strippers', etc). So I get some inherent nervousness with that. I think there is a huge difference between hiring a stripper and hiring a prostitute. I still think it's a jump to assume he automatically slept with her though.

    There certainly is, but I think that is more along the lines of the person's (who is hiring) intent.  Some women, especially in Vegas, flat-out advertise themselves as call girls.  Strippers (everywhere) are more subtle about it but, make no mistake, many of them will perform additional services in the private rooms at the clubs or when hired out to a particular location (ie hotel).

    I have no first hand knowledge of this, but that is what I have been told by my H, as well as some of his friends who do regularly go to clubs.  Some strippers don't, I'm not trying to paint them all with the "prostitute" brush, but it also isn't uncommon.  And typically the "request" comes from the customer first.  At least that is my understanding.

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  • IDK if this is common elsewhere, but in vegas, a lot of the 'private strippers' are actually just prostitutes who also strip and put on more of a show (toys, other 'strippers', etc). So I get some inherent nervousness with that. I think there is a huge difference between hiring a stripper and hiring a prostitute. I still think it's a jump to assume he automatically slept with her though.

    There certainly is, but I think that is more along the lines of the person's (who is hiring) intent.  Some women, especially in Vegas, flat-out advertise themselves as call girls.  Strippers (everywhere) are more subtle about it but, make no mistake, many of them will perform additional services in the private rooms at the clubs or when hired out to a particular location (ie hotel).

    I have no first hand knowledge of this, but that is what I have been told by my H, as well as some of his friends who do regularly go to clubs.  Some strippers don't, I'm not trying to paint them all with the "prostitute" brush, but it also isn't uncommon.  And typically the "request" comes from the customer first.  At least that is my understanding.


    I read the WW discussion and this is a huge point being made. A lot of posters there said something along the lines of "If they're in the hotel room they're more than just a stripper". I don't know what these women all definitely do or do not perform, but a "house call" strip show that's JUST a strip show is definitely a thing, they're not all necessarily performing extra sexual or private acts.
    short+sassy
  • I personally have no issues with my BF going to a strip club. I don't have to set boundaries cause he is grown and can figure out what's right and wrong as a person in a serious relationship. With that being said the stripper at the hotel would have annoyed me. Strip clubs are about the experience. They are a lot like a club these days. A stripper in your hotel room is a little much for me. I wouldn't think he cheated or acted inappropriate but it would be out of my comfort zone. 

    I think this lady needs to voice her discomfort with the situation and move on. If it happens again then I would make a bigger issue
    short+sassy
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