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ScaryMommy Confessions, and are we all doomed?

The thread about things your SO has done for you recently really got me thinking about how much I love my H. Sometimes he'll just be talking and I'll think, "Wow. I REALLY am in love with this person!" Granted, we've only been married a year and a half but we've been together 5 years and have lived together for 4, so I feel like we really know each other and have seen the best and worst of each other. 

So there's this website called ScaryMommy. If you haven't heard of it, they post articles and other stuff about parenting and marriage and how it's not all roses and rainbows all the time. I follow them on social media because it's usually pretty entertaining and realistic (as far as I know. I'm not a parent yet.)

But there's this portion of the website for confessions, and people anonymously post things on there about their lives. An overwhelming majority of people post about how awful their marriage is. Whether their partner is abusive, indifferent, or they just have fallen out of love, SO many of them are miserable! 

Again I'm pretty new in my marriage and maybe I'm naive but I feel like that CAN'T be how it's supposed to be, or the norm. How do marriages fall apart like that? I'm a marriage therapist and it blows my mind! I want to blame it on making poor choices or incompatibility but there's hundreds of thousands of people on this site talking about how much their marriage sucks, and think about sites like Ashley Madison. It's kept running by unhappy marriages. 

I don't know, this baffles me. What are y'alls thoughts?
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redwoodoriginal

Re: ScaryMommy Confessions, and are we all doomed?

  • I'm not married yet, so excuse me if I'm just talking out my a$$. 

    One of my biggest problems in the past has been communication. I suck at it. I was miserable in all my past relationships because we couldn't talk about what we were dissatisfied with. 
    FI and I talk all the time when we're irked, angry, sad, etc. but the communication always helps us resolve our issues. 

    From seeing friends, coworkers, family, etc relationships fall apart, it seemed to me like communication was their main challenge too. 

    If you let things build up and never discuss them with your spouse or don't try to resolve problems, I'd imagine you'd begin to resent them over even the smallest things. 

    To summaraize, I would like to think that the better communication a relationship has, the stronger and more happy the marriage. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • theycallmelinztheycallmelinz Georgia member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2016
    I'm not married yet, so excuse me if I'm just talking out my a$$. 

    One of my biggest problems in the past has been communication. I suck at it. I was miserable in all my past relationships because we couldn't talk about what we were dissatisfied with. 
    FI and I talk all the time when we're irked, angry, sad, etc. but the communication always helps us resolve our issues. 

    From seeing friends, coworkers, family, etc relationships fall apart, it seemed to me like communication was their main challenge too. 

    If you let things build up and never discuss them with your spouse or don't try to resolve problems, I'd imagine you'd begin to resent them over even the smallest things. 

    To summaraize, I would like to think that the better communication a relationship has, the stronger and more happy the marriage. 
    This is exactly how I, and H, feel. We say all the time how we're amazed at the couples we know that just don't talk to each other. Guys he works with will put money away "before their wives know they have it" and he always says how it doesn't have to be that way with us. Things are just easy. Because we DO talk about everything. Sure, we've had some pretty heated fights. Things haven't always been so wonderful between us but at the core of things we love each other, and we've never had a fight last more than a few hours for us because we hate not talking to each other. 

    One thing I like to tell my clients is sure, don't sweat the small things, but don't completely ignore the small things because they can pile up and become big things.
    Anniversary



    short+sassyOurWildKingdomPaperTigersx
  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I was bored one night recently and riding the local FB CityConfessions page, and although it's very one sided (happy people aren't confessing much of anything), it made me realize that there are a lot of unhappy (and fucked up) people out there.  I'm quite content being boring and average if it means I don't have to deal with a lot of what some people are going through.  And I know a lot is situational - bad economy, situations growing up, etc. that they may not have much control over, but damn, DH and I (and my circle/family too) are pretty damn lucky

    thisismynickname2short+sassyOliveOilsMomSP29
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I got married in my early 20s to the wrong person. The marriage only lasted a year. I left. We didn't have any kids together, so it was relatively easy to split up. We owned a house together, which we sold. And that was it. We were done. 

    IMO, couples that have kids are more apt to stay together, in unhappy marriages. I have no children, but have many friends that do. And from what I have observed (just with my friends), is that children put a ton of strain on a marriage. And if you don't have a good foundation, it's just going to make things worse. I've seen couples basically just become roommates once they have kids. They don't interact with each other as a couple - just as co-parents. They don't spend time alone with each other. They don't spend any time on their relationship/marriage. To me, that's why so many people are miserable. 

    I'm not saying all my married friends with kids are unhappy - just the ones that don't take time for themselves, don't have date nights, etc. My happiest couple friends have kids, and go out with each other every Saturday night, even if it's just for an hour or two. But they make that a priority - reconnecting with each other every week. And these are two people that separately run their own businesses on top of raising their 3 daughters, so they're busy, and could easily use that as an excuse. But they work at their marriage - that's what you have to do. 

    theycallmelinzdridei34charlotte989875
  • How are you a marriage therapist and yet baffled by people falling out of love? If you want to blame bad marriages on people making poor choices or incompatibility that really concerns me with regards to your ability to actually help people. 
  • theycallmelinztheycallmelinz Georgia member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2016
    How are you a marriage therapist and yet baffled by people falling out of love? If you want to blame bad marriages on people making poor choices or incompatibility that really concerns me with regards to your ability to actually help people. 
    I get how it happens. I just spend my career working with people who are coming to therapy so in most cases they want to work on their marriage. It just makes me sad for the people who stop trying. 
    Anniversary



  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I randomly got an excellent piece of marriage advice before I even met DH. A friend at work said, "Every day, I choose to be married."

    I interpret this broadly to mean that I should communicate, I should be considerate, I should show affection and appreciation, even if maybe I've had a bad day or would rather veg in front of the TV than do absolutely anything else. You can't slide down the slippery slope to indifference.

    We're coming up on our two year anniversary and sure, we bicker and sometimes frustrate each other. We're human. But I think we're pretty darn happy and in love. 
    ________________________________


    short+sassyei34OurWildKingdom
  • theycallmelinztheycallmelinz Georgia member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2016
    I randomly got an excellent piece of marriage advice before I even met DH. A friend at work said, "Every day, I choose to be married."

    I interpret this broadly to mean that I should communicate, I should be considerate, I should show affection and appreciation, even if maybe I've had a bad day or would rather veg in front of the TV than do absolutely anything else. You can't slide down the slippery slope to indifference.

    We're coming up on our two year anniversary and sure, we bicker and sometimes frustrate each other. We're human. But I think we're pretty darn happy and in love. 
    I absolutely agree. My MIL and I had this conversation the other day (while watching the Bachelorette haha) and both agreed that love and marriage is a choice. Both partners have to either choose to work on it and put their marriage first or they don't, and then it isn't going to work. 

    Anniversary



  • I suppose that is one of the questions for the ages.

    My H and I have been married for 3 years, but were together for 13 years before that (living together for 12).  I thought getting married wouldn't really change much, but I was shocked how much it did!  Though for the good.  Our daily life is the same, but the feelings are even more deep.  We talk far into the future now, whereas we didn't do very much of that previously.

    I'm guessing here, but I think what makes us happy and our marriage strong is we are both good communicators, generally speaking.  We are also affectionate with each other and will regularly (and sincerely) compliment each other and say "I love you".  We also don't fight very often and, when we do, it's pretty mild.  No yelling.  No name calling.  Though that last part has always been more my MO in relationships anyway.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    OurWildKingdomSP29PaperTigersx
  • theycallmelinztheycallmelinz Georgia member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @TheMostHappy15 Yep I agree. I whole-heartedly believe in that saying, "The thing that screws us up most is the picture in our head of how things are supposed to be."
    Anniversary



    redwoodoriginal
  • Being in love is not a good reason to get married to someone.  Yet our society keeps telling us that "Love Is All We Need"! 
    I married DH 40 years ago, and I was terrified.  I did not "love" him in the usual sense, but he offered me what I needed.  I liked him.  I respected him.
    After 40 years of marriage, I could not imagine loving anyone else.  Our mature love is completely different than what is depicted on the media.  We care and respect each other.  We enjoy physical contact - hugs, snuggles, touches, sex.  We are best friends.  Through sickness and in health.
    I know that many people would not understand this, but my unconventional approach to love worked.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    theycallmelinzshort+sassySP29lc07
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited August 2016
    I concur that you definitely have to like and respect each other, and that communication is key.
    theycallmelinzCMGragainei34
  • I think that communication is what is missing from a lot of the relationships that don't last.

    The best advice I ever got was that a relationship is a choice and you must choose your relationship whenever times get tough.

    SP29ei34OurWildKingdomPaperTigersx
  • I agree with most of what's been said. Communication, choice, respect, and duh, love. 

    One of of my favorite quotes is this:

    "But maybe that's what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all."
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    theycallmelinzSP29OurWildKingdomPaperTigersx
  • Guys, I'm kinda sad now. I always said that in a marriage you had to rechoose your spouse every day (I was married before) and I kinda thought it was this super deep and profound unique thought that I had........but reading this thread has made me realize that many many many other people have said this. I must have just heard this somewhere and stored it in my brain without citing the source. 

    Sigh, there goes any delusions of my profound wisdom.....
    ei34SP29theycallmelinzredwoodoriginal
  • theycallmelinztheycallmelinz Georgia member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Ironring said:
    Guys, I'm kinda sad now. I always said that in a marriage you had to rechoose your spouse every day (I was married before) and I kinda thought it was this super deep and profound unique thought that I had........but reading this thread has made me realize that many many many other people have said this. I must have just heard this somewhere and stored it in my brain without citing the source. 

    Sigh, there goes any delusions of my profound wisdom.....

    I think recognizing wisdom when you see it, and holding on to it, is also profound ;).
    Agreed!! ^^
    Anniversary



  • Ironring said:
    Guys, I'm kinda sad now. I always said that in a marriage you had to rechoose your spouse every day (I was married before) and I kinda thought it was this super deep and profound unique thought that I had........but reading this thread has made me realize that many many many other people have said this. I must have just heard this somewhere and stored it in my brain without citing the source. 

    Sigh, there goes any delusions of my profound wisdom.....

    I think recognizing wisdom when you see it, and holding on to it, is also profound ;).
    Haha, well thanks! But now I guess I know that my "wisdom" isn't unique....
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