Wedding Woes

Are you wanting to neck in the copy room?

Dear Prudence,
I work at a small department in a university, where my co-workers and I are friendly and share things from our personal lives frequently. After I was promoted and hired by a new manager (still in the same department), I began dating the lovely gentleman, Eric, who used to supervise me. Eric and I still work together, and in many respects, my work has not changed, although my boss has. After a happy year together, with no one in my small department seeming to notice, Eric and I are planning on moving in together. I’ve been looking for positions outside my department, as I recognize a job furthest from my previous boss and current partner is the most professional option, but this transition has taken longer than expected. There is nothing improper about our relationship according to my company, and we have disclosed our relationship to HR, but I haven’t said anything to my co-workers. Should I come forward with this relationship to them? I’m tired of holding our professional yet friendly relationship at arm’s length, as I like my co-workers and am sad to leave out a very important part of my life. But I also don’t want to be the guy who invites the boss as my date to our happy hours, sushi dinners, and hikes. Any advice?

—Workplace Dates

Re: Are you wanting to neck in the copy room?

  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Why do your co-workers need to know? What is it you're wanting to do at work that you can't do now? Regardless of whether Eric used to be your boss, you shouldn't be doing relationship type things at work anyway. If you work somewhere else you won't be doing them, so just don't do them.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2016
    My impression was that he would normally hang out with Eric's subordinates and their SOs outside of work, and/or that circle would discuss the fact that he has a new boyfriend, but he feels like he can't open up about that part of his life in this instance without making them uncomfortable.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    VarunaTT said:
    Though, just from the way some of this is worded, I'm wondering if it's a queer relationship and LW is worried about that.
    I can't tell if saying "that guy" is just a saying or if it really is a male LW. If so, I can see how that might be worrisome having to come out as dating the boss and being gay. 
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2016
    Oh man, I didn't read this right.  He's worried about bringing his co-workers boss on social outings with his co-workers.  Yeah, I can see the awkwardness in that.

    I think he's going to have to keep doing what he's doing.  I know that having a co-worker that I knew was dating the boss, would change what I said to that co-worker and how I interacted.  Sometimes, you need to vent and bitch about work and your bosses take the brunt of that.  I'd try my best, but it would change our relationship to some extent.  If LW doesn't want that, he's better off just keeping silent until he can move departments.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    My BFF married her co-worker.  They dated for sometime in "secret".  When they finally told co-workers, everyone was like - we know.  They always kept their relationship professional at the office.  Eventually her H (FI at the time) got a better job offer and took it - but it was offered to him and he wasn't pressured to leave. I think LW just needs to do that.  There is no need to tell co-workers about the relationship if LW is worried. 

    The social outings can continue, and if LW tells the co-workers maybe LW's SO doesn't always come to the outing so that the co-workers can continue to be relaxed and enjoy the outing.  Happy hours or dinners out be kept separate, but the hikes could have everyone attend.  I think in general if a SO of co-workers would normally attend, then LW's SO can also attend.

    It's also not mentioned about how Eric, the SO would feel about all this.  Maybe he is happy to not attend these functions at all, then LW is worrying about nothing. 

    Continue to look for new work, if that is what LW wants, but if LW loves his/her job, then why change if the personal relationship can stay professional at the office.  HR already knows and doesn't care, just keep it professional and all will be good.

    charlotte989875SP29
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    VarunaTT said:
    Oh man, I didn't read this right.  He's worried about bringing his co-workers boss on social outings with his co-workers.  Yeah, I can see the awkwardness in that.

    I think he's going to have to keep doing what he's doing.  I know that having a co-worker that I knew was dating the boss, would change what I said to that co-worker and how I interacted.  Sometimes, you need to vent and bitch about work and your bosses take the brunt of that.  I'd try my best, but it would change our relationship to some extent.  If LW doesn't want that, he's better off just keeping silent until he can move departments.


    Yeah I think that's different than just the dating a coworker thing. But at the same time, in a close environment, it would be hard to separate the two.

    I know it's different but I keep thinking about that Friends episode where Chandler gets a promotion.

    Image result for bossman bing gif

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • My H's mum and stepdad met in work environment, but they kept their relationship separate from their jobs. It was never a secret, but they knew how to be professional.

    Same with my boss and her husband. When we go out for office lunches, you wouldn't guess they're married.

    People will know eventually, but if you can ensure that the relationship wouldn't affect the job I don't see the issue.
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassySP29
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