Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

SIL and MIL wants baptism day after wedding

My future SIL had her daughter earlier year and despite how I told him I feel about it, her and my future MIL decided they were going to have her baptism the day after our wedding. I've had a lot of trouble with this because the future SIL likes to make things about her constantly (MIL is the same way). She ran off and got married and did whatever she wanted and I only feel it's right to allow us to do things the way we want. Not to mention, if this was the other way around, I'd be in the wrong for even thinking about doing something like this. I had already told them that a lot of my family will be in town that day and I was expecting to spend time with both of our families together - either do a beach day or a BBQ and have just a relaxing day with everyone hanging out and getting to know each other (as I'll be stressing up until that day). My fiance doesn't like the idea and thinks it's rude of them to do it but "has to go". I told him I'm not going because I'm tired of them getting their way like they always do, but I don't want to spend any part of our first day as husband and wife apart. He feels like I'm coming in between him and family even though I've made it clear from the beginning how I felt and they decided to have it that day regardless. I don't feel it's right of them to do this to their son on his first day married, especially since he said he doesn't feel it's right of them to do it and doesn't actually want to go but I'm at a loss as to what should be done.

Re: SIL and MIL wants baptism day after wedding

  • Your wedding is one day,  The baptism is on a different day.  Get over it.
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What PPs said.

    Your SIL and MIL may very well be over the top dramatic and all me-me-me, but at the end of the day, they have done nothing wrong by planning the baptism for the next day.

    Perhaps it works out better for all the guests to attend, since family will be in town anyway.

    At the same time, you are free to decline the invitation to attend, for whatever reason you choose.

    As for your husband attending, well that is between the two of you to discuss. But he's not wrong for wanting to go, just as you aren't wrong for not wanting to go.

    Personally, I'd suck it up and go. This sounds like a local event, so doesn't require much travel. Attending a baptism is not exhausting, you sit and watch, and then you should be hosted afterward. It's show up to place A, then place B, and eat food after. You also don't need to stay for a prolonged period of time, so if you have plans for a BBQ after, you could still do that.
  • You get one wedding day. The next day is just any other day.

    Having the baptism the next day is probably what's most convenient and makes the most sense because family will already be in town.

    I'm hosting a surprise baby shower for my sister two days before my wedding. Why? Because that's when she and all of the family will be here. It makes the most sense.
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  • My cousin had her wedding shower the Sunday after my Friday wedding. She was in town, our OOT family were in town, so it would have made no sense to plan something for a week or two later and make everyone travel again. It was great and made the weekend feel like a big family party, I was in no way upset she planned something for the weekend of our wedding. 

    You need to let this go. If you don't want to spend your first married day with his family you need to talk to your FI about how you feel about it. Not about them getting their way or putting them down, but about how you feel. And listen to him if he feels differently. But yah, your wedding is one day not an entire weekend. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd let it go and attend the baptism. Your wedding ends the day before.
  • I don't see the issue.   Family will be in town and it's an excuse to continue the celebration.   Your own FI isn't a fan of your attitude.    I think that should tell you something.  
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2016
    Do you really want to kick off your marriage being mad at your in-laws over this, and perhaps even more to the point, being mad at your new husband over this? It's a bummer to have to change your plans, but the reality is that your wedding is over at the end of your wedding day; you don't get to extend it to an entire weekend. You don't need to throw any further parties once the wedding is done, and people don't need to attend them if you do.

    It's understandable, though, that you'd like to spend some time with your family who are in town. I suggest you find out when the baptism is and what your in-laws plan on doing afterward (at least where I'm from there's usually a luncheon/party afterward). Also find out when your relatives plan on going home. Attend the baptism because it's the right thing to do, then maybe you and your husband can leave the luncheon a little early to spend time with your relatives before they head home, or see them that evening depending on their plans. Compromise is indeed a big part of marriage, and it sounds like this would be a good place to start getting used to it.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    If they had planned this for immediately after your wedding, I would be on your side. But as PPs have said, you get one day. You need to listen to the man who will be your husband as he should listen to you about things that are important to you. Let this one go and mark it down as one of the first things you'll do as husband and wife.
  • Why can you not do both? Morning Christening- meet with your family that afternoon for a bbq. Afternoon christening- Have brunch with your family.  Who is hosting this christening? 


    Also, if it is just a small christening for family, why can you two not join the events and have a post-christening/ post wedding BBQ?

    THIS!  Either of these is a GREAT option!
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Prospective from a guest's point of view:

    About 6 months ago I wrote a post that I was annoyed that my SIL wasn't having her daughter's christening around the time of BILs wedding.   We live across country and would have been in town.  Because they waited too long to book they had it the week after the wedding.  Everyone was there except for us.      
    We would have loved it to be the same weekend.

    We roll like that.  We are able to celebrate more than one event on the same weekend (and sometimes the same day).

    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Everyone else covered this already...your wedding is one day and despite your SIL's supposed "me-me-me" attitude she has done nothing wrong. 

    Honestly this all makes you sound very immature and needy and it makes you come across as the "me-me-me" one.  Your FI is completely right to want to attend his nieces baptism and I think you should go.  Also, voicing how upset you are about this whole thing is not a good way to start your relationship with these people.  I would make an effort to apologize to them for the way you handled this.

    Try for a minute, to imagine this from the other side of the fence.  Say you had a baby and wanted to plan a baptism the day after your sibling got married.  It sounds perfect on paper, all the family is already in town, no one has to travel twice and in general everyone will be in a celebratory mode.  Now imagine the FI of this sibling calls you, and tells you your plans are rude, and that you're a bad person for planning something on the day after their wedding, and how dare you try to make everything about you!  How would you feel????

    I can bet that even if you didn't say these things out loud the message was there.  If your own FI has a problem now with the way you are handling this maybe you need to take a step back and revaluate things.

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Other thoughts: Your families do not need a dedicated time to get to know one another. Most families really do not care that much to hang out with their DIL/SIL's parents and siblings. It is understandable if you wanted to see more of both families while they are in town, but it does not need to be together. So go to the baptism, part of the lunch afterwards, and set up a separate time that day to spend time with your own family.

    I get that you may want to relax more at your parents' house or hotel rather than going two separate places, but this is a "suck it up, buttercup" moment, and the fact that you're not thrilled to spend the day like that doesn't mean it's in any way rude of SIL to plan this and invite people, including you two. There are no rules for what one can and cannot or should or should not invite a person to the day after their wedding. There is no sacrosanct "first day of marriage."
  • I understand the way you feel.  I can totally understand wanting to spend time with your family that is in town, and I'm sure they want to spend time with them. I've read some of the comments, about saying that you get "one day." But if it were me, I would be upset. My fiancé is in the military, so we live far away now, and moving over seas in a couple months. So we are doing an entire weekend of activities, not even including the wedding. I would be upset if my in-laws planned a baptism the next day, and I would probably choose to hang out with my family that I don't get to see very much as well. I would try not to make a big deal about it, and do your own thing if you have to. I know that is easier said than done, but there is probably not much you can do about it now. 
  • In the grand scheme of sacraments - this is an issue how exactly?!?!  Even if they suggested doing it during your wedding and helping split the tab for guests on that side, (that may get a little yea - you can put your foot down - but the next day - that's a non-starter issue and IS NOT a hill to die on!)..   

    No one will Steal your Thunder by having the Baptism the next day - the only discussion you should be having with your FI here is "Honey, you're going to be so weak-kneed from the post-wedding celebration and consummation of our marriage in our suite I'm concerned we might not be able to make it depending on what time it starts!"  But your FI's feelings are incredibly valid and this is part of navigating a successful marriage.  Your refusal to show is a bit catty in that your FI is not an object for you to hoard and this is your future family, if you can't be bothered to be around them, you may want to consider your FI for the long-term because this isn't healthy to be treating him that way (same if roles were reversed).  Your first day as husband and wife will be spent together - at your wedding!  Should you attend the Baptism together, you'll also be spending the day together. 

    As CMG said - marriage counseling stat!  Work this stuff out now because if things like this are deal-breakers, best to deal with it now than after you're married.  You may not like how your IL's do things, they may not like the way you do things either, it's about compromising and being an adult.  Baptism is a Sacrament, just as your wedding is, treat it with the reverence it deserves!  Everyone is already together - perfect timing!

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