MOH Drama

vandorn85 · August 2016

I honestly do not know what to do. My wedding is 10/10/2016 and when I asked my MOH and our BM they were happily married and everything was kosher.

Now around 6 weeks to go and not only are our BM and MOH divorcing, there are some legal complications that may prevent my MOH from attending. However, she has not told me any of this, I have gotten all the information 2nd hand (and I did verify the legal stuff myself).

I really do not want to tank our friendship, especially since she is one of my best friends, but she is shutting me out.

Do I approach her and try to get her to understand that I don't want to kick her from the wedding? Wait a while longer for her to come to me about it? Or bite the bullet and tank the friendship by confronting her?

ShesSoCold · August 2016

vandorn85 said:

I honestly do not know what to do. My wedding is 10/10/2016 and when I asked my MOH and our BM they were happily married and everything was kosher.

Now around 6 weeks to go and not only are our BM and MOH divorcing, there are some legal complications that may prevent my MOH from attending. However, she has not told me any of this, I have gotten all the information 2nd hand (and I did verify the legal stuff myself).

I really do not want to tank our friendship, especially since she is one of my best friends, but she is shutting me out.

Do I approach her and try to get her to understand that I don't want to kick her from the wedding? Wait a while longer for her to come to me about it? Or bite the bullet and tank the friendship by confronting her?

Why can't you calmly speak to her? Why do you need to "confront"? Just ask her what's going on.

ETA: Why the hell hasn't someone made a gif of Wayne's World when Cassandra says to Garth, "Just talk to her" and he daydreams about the doughnut shop girl?

charlotte989875 · August 2016

vandorn85 said:

I honestly do not know what to do. My wedding is 10/10/2016 and when I asked my MOH and our BM they were happily married and everything was kosher.

Now around 6 weeks to go and not only are our BM and MOH divorcing, there are some legal complications that may prevent my MOH from attending. However, she has not told me any of this, I have gotten all the information 2nd hand (and I did verify the legal stuff myself).

I really do not want to tank our friendship, especially since she is one of my best friends, but she is shutting me out.

Do I approach her and try to get her to understand that I don't want to kick her from the wedding? Wait a while longer for her to come to me about it? Or bite the bullet and tank the friendship by confronting her?

Okay, first you need to take a step back and take your wedding out of it. Your MOH, one of your best friends is divorcing and having some real legal problems, and Talk to her like a friend, ask her how she's doing (just in general), take her out to eat/drink/coffee and be there for her.

Second hand information is not always the most reliable source of information. Your friend accepted the offer of standing up in your wedding, if her circumstances have now changed and she can't do it, let her bring it up to you, don't confront her or ask her to step down, or kick her out, unless you truly want to end the friendship with her. Maybe the second hand info isn't correct, maybe things will change by October (maybe they won't), maybe the legal issues will be resolved, maybe they will put the divorce on hold, maybe they will hate each other but be civil because they are adults. Point being, you don't know, so wait for her to come to you. If she can no longer attend she will let you know.

One last thing you say you don't want to kick her out, but then you also say you are considering "bit[ing] the bullet and tank the friendship by confront her; why is this something you want to do? If she's your best friend, why would you want to end the friendship?

glasgowtolondon · August 2016

Wow. MOH and BM are going through what sounds like an acrimonious divorce and you can't see it in any other way than how it affects your wedding? Speak to your bloody friend, start by asking her how she is doing.

banana468 · August 2016

If she's going through legal problems, is married to the BM and isn't talking to you, then could she be in a downward spiral?

Worst case here - you don't have a MOH. And that's not the worst thing.

vandorn85 · August 2016

Ok, allow me to clarify.

Yes, I did get some of my information 2nd hand, but I did verify the legal stuff myself. The divorce is not the legal stuff I am worried about. There are other legal things going on and its almost a certainty that she will not be allowed to leave the state to attend my wedding.

Yes she is my best friend, and because of this I have started several conversations with her trying to get her to talk to me and giving her every opportunity to let me in on what is going on, this has been going on for weeks at this point. If my wedding were not coming up so soon I would be more than happy to let her open up to me on her own time. So it's hard to take my wedding out of it at this point. I have decisions to make that I have had to delay because I simply don't know what is going on with my wedding party yet.

So, I've tried talking to her like my best friend, I've tried giving her time and space to come to me herself.

At this point, I don't want to confront her, but she is clearly not going to come to me about this, which is why I came here for advice.

ILoveBeachMusic · August 2016

If by decisions you mean replacing your MOH with someone else, please don't. That would be so hurtful to her especially when she is going through a difficult time. I guess if you really want to know what is going on, you could call her and tell her you have heard somethings second hand and want to find out how she is doing. Just don't make the conversation about whether or not she will be your MOH. If she can't make it to the wedding, you will be understandably disappointed but will still get married. You don't have to have a MOH. If you need a witness (a role MOH usually does) one of your other bridesmaids can do that. You don't need to know that until the wedding day though.

[Deleted User] · August 2016

Can you explain why talking to her about what's going on will "tank" the friendship?

vandorn85 · August 2016

I will try.

She's been my best friend for years and I know her pretty well, unfortunately what she is struggling with is altering her personality. She has never been able to handle stress well and I fear that no matter how gently I bring things up to her, because of where she currently is emotionally, I'm not going to be able to avoid causing a melt down.

We have all been tiptoeing around her for a long time now. I care about her and this has not been an easy decision for me. I'm at the point where because I'm her friend, I feel she needs some tough love. And this goes beyond things I have posted here.

Viczaesar · August 2016

There is nothing you need to know now. Either she will show up, or she won't. Proceed under the assumption that she will until you are informed otherwise.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

SITB

I'm still failing to see where you have to make a decision about anything.

Despite what you say, you *can* take your wedding out of this. Say "friend, I know you're going through some stuff and I'm here when you're ready to talk."

Say nothing about the wedding, leave her name in your program and if she shows up, wonderful, if not, accept it and move on and understand her situation.

If she still hasn't come to you, she's still not ready yet. As if getting divorced and facing other legal issues isn't enough, you shouldn't be adding your friendship to the list of things she needs to worry about.

huskypuppy14 · August 2016

What decisions do you need to make that include your MOH? The only thing I can think of is flowers and hair and makeup. If you end up with extra flowers, who cares? You can always cancel a hair appointment.

drglitter · August 2016

When she wants you to know what's going on in her life, she will tell you. Until then, forget she's your MOH and just be her friend.

PaperTigersx · August 2016

vandorn85 said:

I will try.

She's been my best friend for years and I know her pretty well, unfortunately what she is struggling with is altering her personality. She has never been able to handle stress well and I fear that no matter how gently I bring things up to her, because of where she currently is emotionally, I'm not going to be able to avoid causing a melt down.

We have all been tiptoeing around her for a long time now. I care about her and this has not been an easy decision for me. I'm at the point where because I'm her friend, I feel she needs some tough love. And this goes beyond things I have posted here.

vandorn85 said:

Ok, allow me to clarify.

Yes, I did get some of my information 2nd hand, but I did verify the legal stuff myself. The divorce is not the legal stuff I am worried about. There are other legal things going on and its almost a certainty that she will not be allowed to leave the state to attend my wedding.

Yes she is my best friend, and because of this I have started several conversations with her trying to get her to talk to me and giving her every opportunity to let me in on what is going on, this has been going on for weeks at this point. If my wedding were not coming up so soon I would be more than happy to let her open up to me on her own time. So it's hard to take my wedding out of it at this point. I have decisions to make that I have had to delay because I simply don't know what is going on with my wedding party yet.

So, I've tried talking to her like my best friend, I've tried giving her time and space to come to me herself.

At this point, I don't want to confront her, but she is clearly not going to come to me about this, which is why I came here for advice.

I think my quoting got a little wonky-sorry.

Im assuming this MOH is a close friend of yours. Friends go through tough times, friends have meltdowns in front of each other. I personally would give her some tough love and try to Suss out her problems. And then also be there to collect her tears and put herself back together. That's what friends do.

As for the wedding, I would imagine her friendship with you is worth more than one day of your life. Yes, weddings are important, but they are one day. Keep planning the wedding and keep your relationship with her seperate. If she isn't able to make it the day of, oh well. You'll be there for her after the wedding

DrillSergeantCat · August 2016

Wow. Your friends life is falling apart and you're wanting to further her pain by kicking her out of your wedding?

lyndausvi · August 2016

One of my BM's was going to be 8 months pregnant for me out-of-state wedding. She was also high risk. I assured her that she had until the minute we walked down the aisle to let me know if she was going to be able to attend or not. She was able to attend, walk down the aisle and danced a little bit at the reception.

I can't imagine why you think you need her to give you a firm answer now. Not one. Okay, maybe flowers, but a $30 bouquet that might not be used wasn't a budget buster for me.

She is going through a lot of shit right now. Maybe she is embarrassed? Maybe she is trying to figure out how to make it work? Whatever the case whether or not she is going to be there shouldn't keep you from the rest of your planning this far out. Let her know you are there for when she is ready to talk and leave it at that for now.

vandorn85 · August 2016

lyndausvi said:

One of my BM's was going to be 8 months pregnant for me out-of-state wedding. She was also high risk. I assured her that she had until the minute we walked down the aisle to let me know if she was going to be able to attend or not. She was able to attend, walk down the aisle and danced a little bit at the reception.

I can't imagine why you think you need her to give you a firm answer now. Not one. Okay, maybe flowers, but a $30 bouquet that might not be used wasn't a budget buster for me.

She is going through a lot of shit right now. Maybe she is embarrassed? Maybe she is trying to figure out how to make it work? Whatever the case whether or not she is going to be there shouldn't keep you from the rest of your planning this far out. Let her know you are there for when she is ready to talk and leave it at that for now.

I'm glad your friend was able to attend for you.

If it were only a $30 bouquet it's not a big deal I agree. However that's not the only thing.

There's nearly $1000 that we have loaned her because of her troubles. We are having a destination wedding and we have paid for all her airfare and lodging so she could focus on getting better and on herself.

There are the numerous times we have all tried to help her dig out of the situation she is now in. Unfortunately, as I know we'll, until she wants help she's going to keep on going the way she is. Her poor decisions are starting to affect us all, emotionally, mentally and financially.

She has blown off all offers for help, she has made all of us at one time or another actually regret helping her.

I know that it may seem like I'm trying to make this all about me, and maybe to a certain extent I am. However, the more I think about this and read all the comments, I realise that maybe I've been feeling like this for longer that I realized, and the wedding just put a timer on it.

For all of the comments, but helpful and not, I appreciate the honesty.

lyndausvi · August 2016

Anybody else wonder what legal issues would keep her from traveling?

I have to say, after reading your replies I'm wondering how she even got to be asked to be a MOH.

glasgowtolondon · August 2016

vandorn85 said:

lyndausvi said:

One of my BM's was going to be 8 months pregnant for me out-of-state wedding. She was also high risk. I assured her that she had until the minute we walked down the aisle to let me know if she was going to be able to attend or not. She was able to attend, walk down the aisle and danced a little bit at the reception.

I can't imagine why you think you need her to give you a firm answer now. Not one. Okay, maybe flowers, but a $30 bouquet that might not be used wasn't a budget buster for me.

She is going through a lot of shit right now. Maybe she is embarrassed? Maybe she is trying to figure out how to make it work? Whatever the case whether or not she is going to be there shouldn't keep you from the rest of your planning this far out. Let her know you are there for when she is ready to talk and leave it at that for now.

I'm glad your friend was able to attend for you.

If it were only a $30 bouquet it's not a big deal I agree. However that's not the only thing.

There's nearly $1000 that we have loaned her because of her troubles. We are having a destination wedding and we have paid for all her airfare and lodging so she could focus on getting better and on herself.

There are the numerous times we have all tried to help her dig out of the situation she is now in. Unfortunately, as I know we'll, until she wants help she's going to keep on going the way she is. Her poor decisions are starting to affect us all, emotionally, mentally and financially.

She has blown off all offers for help, she has made all of us at one time or another actually regret helping her.

I know that it may seem like I'm trying to make this all about me, and maybe to a certain extent I am. However, the more I think about this and read all the comments, I realise that maybe I've been feeling like this for longer that I realized, and the wedding just put a timer on it.

For all of the comments, but helpful and not, I appreciate the honesty.

If you loaned her $1000 do you think you are more likely to get it back if you kick her out of your wedding, or less? If she drops out/pulls out /is kicked out now, will you recover any of this money or is it already spent?

englishrose-2 · August 2016

You are entitled to think about how this affects your wedding. It's an important day for you and you don't have to
disregard your wishes for it because a friend is having a hard time BUT I don't see here how you have to choose between being a good friend and not ruining your wedding. If she does attend is that a problem? Eg is the MOH married to/divorcing this BM and if so how will it work on the day with them both there?

if there is an issue which affects whether you want her to attend then ok, that needs to be addressed but we can't be much help if we don't know.

However I read this as being you would like her to come but she might not be able to. If this is it, decide in your own mind when you need to know by and don't say anything till then. I can't see why this needs to be too far in advance of the wedding - you've already spent the money on her and I doubt you'll get it back.

I think the best way is to prepare yourself for the fact she may not attend on the day but leave it open for her to. Given its a destination wedding you'll know at least the day before if she's got on the plane or not.

So that's your wedding. Unless there's some other issue other than her attending or not which affects the wedding, you can separately support her with her difficult time. Let her open up to you when she wants to. You don't need to force the issue before the wedding as far as I can see. You don't need to upset her or affect your friendship by acting differently in terms of your support for her because you happen to be getting married. You can have your day and be a good friend.

missfrodo · August 2016

Have you ever loaned money to this person before? From the information you've given us about her refusing help and pushing people away, I would assume you are never going to see this money again. Write it off as a gift, or a loss, however you want to see it.
As for the friendship, do you want that to continue? Or are you ready to sever ties with her completely? If you want to sever ties completely, tell her that, and it will follow naturally that she is no longer in your WP. If you want the friendship to continue, just wait and see if she shows up at the wedding. If she does--great! And if not--try to reconnect with her after the wedding and see what she's dealing with.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2016

That money is gone. You're never going to get it back. Whenever you loan money to ppl you need to do so assuming it's a gift that will never be paid back.

Your friend is going through a very rough time right now, and it's likely she won't make your wedding. Proceed with whatever planning you need to do and if she shows up on the wedding day then that's a bonus.

But do not confront her, remove her ason MOH, or replace her.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2016

@lyndausvi I believe all probation sentences, regardless of the charge, come with a travel stipulation where your out of state travel must be approved by your PO.

vandorn85 said:

There's nearly $1000 that we have loaned her because of her troubles. We are having a destination wedding and we have paid for all her airfare and lodging so she could focus on getting better and on herself.

Did you loan her $1,000 and pay for her airfare and lodging or does that constitute the $1,000 "loan?"

Either way, this is one of your best friends. She is going through some serious shit. Your wedding should not be something piled onto her already full plate.

I just can't wrap my head around these posts. There are very, very few things my best friend could do, especially when she's hit rock bottom, that would lead me to make the choice to sever our friendship.

levioosa · August 2016

I really don't understand how people lose track of what matters when they get married. OH NOES, BFF IS GOING THROUGH AN AWFUL DIVORCE AND IS REALLY STRESSED!!!! BUT WHAT ABOUT MY WEDDDDDDINNNNNNNNNNGGGG!!!!!!

There's a shitty friend here, but it isn't the person going through the divorce.

sparklepants41 · August 2016

vandorn85 said:

Ok, allow me to clarify.

Yes, I did get some of my information 2nd hand, but I did verify the legal stuff myself. The divorce is not the legal stuff I am worried about. There are other legal things going on and its almost a certainty that she will not be allowed to leave the state to attend my wedding.

Yes she is my best friend, and because of this I have started several conversations with her trying to get her to talk to me and giving her every opportunity to let me in on what is going on, this has been going on for weeks at this point. If my wedding were not coming up so soon I would be more than happy to let her open up to me on her own time. So it's hard to take my wedding out of it at this point. I have decisions to make that I have had to delay because I simply don't know what is going on with my wedding party yet.

So, I've tried talking to her like my best friend, I've tried giving her time and space to come to me herself.

At this point, I don't want to confront her, but she is clearly not going to come to me about this, which is why I came here for advice.

That is a supremely shitty attitude. Your wedding is one day. This woman is your best friend (or so you say) and you can't be supportive because your wedding is coming up soon?

Image: http://i.giphy.com/l46C5zEC94fiE4GqI.gif

cowgirl8238 · August 2016

reading through your posts it sounds like you don't consider this person as close of a friend as you did before...maybe that's just how I am reading it though. If you gave her money, I would not expect it back...you may be able to cancel/transfer the plane tickets and the hotel room but if you handed her a wad of cash/a check there is no guarantee you will ever see that money again. Maybe she will surprise you and pay you back...but you can't count on it.

As far as talking to her, I don't see in your posts why you need to know now at the end of August if she will be in your wedding in the middle of October. She doesn't need to be involved in anything really until the wedding day. I say just let her come to you when she is ready and accept that anything you already spent on her is gone.

If you confront her with your wedding when she is already stressed about her current situation it will only rift the relationship even further. Kicking her out now (and please don't replace her!!) will only end the friendship.

mollybarker11 · August 2016

scribe95 said:

Can you please specifically explain why you must know NOW and what decisions you need to make?

Yes, let us know what decisions are being delayed and we may be able to help you sort them out! I agree that "confronting" her right now from a place of panic is not the best route to go.

- When is your RSVP date? Decisions on catering or seating arrangements won't be done until after all your guests have RSVP'd anyway.
- If you arranged her travel & lodging yourself, find out what date the airline & hotel need cancellation notice by. If it's after your RSVP date then you're fine. If it's beforehand, let your MOH know you will need her RSVP by xx/xx/xxxx (a couple days before cancellation notice is required).
- Same thing applies for any beauty services you may have booked for her.
- If she is to act as one of your witnesses you can ask another friend to sign the day-of.
- If she was hosting any pre-wedding parties you have no place making decisions on those anyway.

The important thing is that she knows you're there for her whenever she's ready to open up about the terrible things she's going through. You can't force her to talk (about anything, but you especially shouldn't force her to talk about your wedding). I understand it's frustrating to be shut out, but continuing to press her may make her withdraw even more, and a tough-love approach of "You're handling your divorce shittily so you're uninvited from my wedding" may make her spiral even further. You've already reached out, so all you can do is mail her her invitation when the time comes and wait & see.

MandTFebruary62011 · August 2016

It's time to view the money you've spent as being gone. If she was having personality changes at that time, it may not have been the best call to loan it but it's over now.

As a person who was a MOH during an extremely difficult time in my life, I will say for your friend, don't make this about the wedding. She may not open up to you for a variety of reasons. Maybe one of them is not wanting to make "your time" about her. My friend was gracious to a point, and I was not going through quite what it sounds like your friend was. I knew she was disappointed in my lack of ability to follow through on my "duties" as her MOH but she kept it mostly to herself. I was broken and was having to be the responsible person in all areas of mine and my family members' lives and I simply couldn't make her bachelorette what she wanted. Even without her harping on it, it still hurt me to know I didn't meet her expectations. Had she brought it up, I don't know what would have happened. Be there as a friend. Support her WHERE SHE IS AT and know it may not be where you think she should be. It may not mean she is your perfect maid of honor, but it will mean that one day, she will be an even better friend because of your love.

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