FGIL (future grandfather in law) has Alzheimer's and was recently moved to an assisted living center for his and his wife's safety.
FMIL insists it's proper etiquette to mail their invitation to his current mailing address instead of her mailing address (their home) because he's the relative (neither she nor her siblings care for his wife).
I thinks it's cruel for a patient with Alzheimer's to open mail (possibly without his wife) and receive a wedding invitation because it's just another reminder he's missing an important event for somebody he is supposed to know but doesn't.
They live out of state and are not attending. Our plan was to mail a ceremony recording and boutonnière with a program that his wife could share with him on a good day (thanks to another Knottie's suggestion a while ago!)
I do believe that while her intentions are partially out of dislike for his wife, they're also more so because she's having a hard time with his recent decline and dealing with having neither of her parents at her only sons wedding. However, I can't believe her request is correct etiquette wise and I think she's unintentionally blind to his reality (in this situation). But maybe I'm just sensitive because my grandmother had dementia for 20 years and I watched her decline.
Who is right, if there is a right?
Re: Invitation for grandfather with Alzheimer's
It it really is awful. She hasn't been down to see him in a decade so some days in her head he's dying any day now (also has an untreatable brain aneurysm) and others she's in a bit of denial about what memory loss does to a person. We had breakfast with them about a year and a half ago and for the most part he was with it, knew FI, but most importantly he was happy. It's gotten worse since then.
Can you talk with the people at the assisted living facility? I'd also see how they feel about this. If he accepts the invitation are you two set up to host him with an aid or someone else present to be a caretaker or is the idea of the invitation to be more of a "we are thinking about you" presence.
Do you have a relationship with FGFIL's wife? Could you talk to her? In this scenario unless I thought that FMIL was going to make a huge scene then I'd go with my gut and/or the recommendations of trained staff at his facility.
Speaking with the wife will be difficult because it will ultimately get back around to FMIL, so I think we're just going to stick to our gut and mail it to their home address.
@ILoveBeachMusic that's what FI thinks too, although she'll never admit it. We've tried everything we can to get her down there and it doesn't work, sadly. We had a really nice visit with him, and FI was so happy he did, especially given his state such a short time after. I'm glad I was able to meet him!
Do you talk to his wife at all? I would still send her the invitation, but if she thinks FGIL would be OK with it, maybe he would like to have an invitation as well (many people do like to post photos, notes, calendars, etc to on their wall or a board to help them remember people/events) depending on his status at the time and relationship with your FI.