Should I approach bridesmaid about her baby?

englishrose-2 · September 2016

Hi all

one of my bridesmaids has just told me she is pregnant and is due 2 weeks before my wedding. This is lovely news and I am thrilled for her. One of the first things she said to me was "don't worry, I will totally be at the wedding". I told her that the most important thing was she had a healthy pregnancy and she should enjoy her happy news and not to even think about the wedding, we could discuss that nearer the time. She said "ok but I am coming and that is non negotiable!"

The wedding is no kids/babies except nephews. I dont know whether when she said she was coming she meant she assumed her baby could come or whether she is planning on making arrangements for childcare. Even if the latter, I don't think it is fair to ask my friend to be separated from such a young baby so I would make an exception.

My questions are:

1) is babes in arms in the wedding party an acceptable "circle"? I am not generally making an exception for breast feeding children as this would be around 12 babies. Is it ok to treat a bridesmaid differently to a non-wedding party guest?

2) if so, should I approach her to tell her it's fine to bring the baby or wait for her to come to me? I don't know if approaching her is rude and comes across as I think her pregnancy is all about how it fits in with my wedding (I honestly don't), but given she herself raised the closeness of the due date and the wedding I am conscious it may be on her mind and it would set her mind at ease to know at an early stage I am not expecting her to leave the baby at home. She was militantly anti-babies at her wedding so may be feeling awkward about asking to bring her baby to mine. Or should I just keep quiet and wait for her to come to me to ask?

to be clear, I am well aware that she may not be able to come depending on when the baby comes and how the birth is. She might not be up to attending and that is completely fine, but given she has said she is determined to come I am proceeding on that basis for now.

geebee908 · September 2016

Englishrose said:

Hi all

one of my bridesmaids has just told me she is pregnant and is due 2 weeks before my wedding. This is lovely news and I am thrilled for her. One of the first things she said to me was "don't worry, I will totally be at the wedding". I told her that the most important thing was she had a healthy pregnancy and she should enjoy her happy news and not to even think about the wedding, we could discuss that nearer the time. She said "ok but I am coming and that is non negotiable!"

The wedding is no kids/babies except nephews. I dont know whether when she said she was coming she meant she assumed her baby could come or whether she is planning on making arrangements for childcare. Even if the latter, I don't think it is fair to ask my friend to be separated from such a young baby so I would make an exception.

My questions are:

1) is babes in arms in the wedding party an acceptable "circle"? I am not generally making an exception for breast feeding children as this would be around 12 babies. Is it ok to treat a bridesmaid differently to a non-wedding party guest?

2) if so, should I approach her to tell her it's fine to bring the baby or wait for her to come to me? I don't know if approaching her is rude and comes across as I think her pregnancy is all about how it fits in with my wedding (I honestly don't), but given she herself raised the closeness of the due date and the wedding I am conscious it may be on her mind and it would set her mind at ease to know at an early stage I am not expecting her to leave the baby at home. She was militantly anti-babies at her wedding so may be feeling awkward about asking to bring her baby to mine. Or should I just keep quiet and wait for her to come to me to ask?

to be clear, I am well aware that she may not be able to come depending on when the baby comes and how the birth is. She might not be up to attending and that is completely fine, but given she has said she is determined to come I am proceeding on that basis for now.

Regarding 1) This is fine as I'm assuming you very much want her there and the baby's attendance is a requirement for her to be able to attend. If you're fine with the other guests with breastfeeding babies possibly declining your invitation because they decide they can't be away from their babies for that long, that is also fine.

Regarding 2) If she asks about it before invitations go out, go ahead and tell her that the baby will be welcome. Otherwise, just address the invitation to include the baby (whose name you probably won't know at the time invitations go out)

ILoveBeachMusic · September 2016

If she brings it up, I would tell her the baby would be welcomed. Yes WP's children are an acceptable circle. I don't think it would be necessary for you to bring it up on your own since you are fine with whether or not she can be part of the WP based on the baby's arrival.

MairePoppy · September 2016

1) Babies and children are like any other human beings. You may invite some and not others, as long as you're not splitting up siblings. To avoid controversy, it's best to invite in circles. You're not obligated to invite breast feeding infants, but you may be making it impossible/very inconvenient for those parents to attend your wedding. I think it's okay to make an exception for a bm, since her role necessitates her presence at your wedding.

2) I would let your friend know that her baby is welcome at your wedding if the subject comes up naturally or when you are finalizing the guest list.

mollybarker11 · September 2016

I agree that a WP member's baby is an acceptable exception.

Let her know her baby will be welcome via the formal invitation. You said it may put her mind at ease if you approach her about it now, but I think she would approach you about it if it's weighing on her mind. I don't think an additional "btw your baby can come fyi" is Making It All About You or anything, just not really necessary info at this time.

wmam35 · September 2016

You sound like a really good friend and bride. I wouldn't worry about it right now. Wait and see until she gives birth. You said it perfectly in your post, that she might not be up to attending depending on how the birth is. I had a c-section and it took me about 2 weeks to just walk without getting really out of breath, but a vaginal birth can take a while to heal as well. Once she sees what is needed for her and the baby in those first few days/weeks, it will probably be easier for her to decide what to do.

MesmrEwe · September 2016

No one is going to raise a stink about a week old baby being in the Mom's arms/carrier/stroller - it's really a non-issue!! Anyone who would raise a stink needs a thwap upside the head.

If the subject comes up with her, just say you assumed she'd be bringing the baby (and invite the LO as such). The important thing is to remember that she's still going to be recovering from childbirth - make sure she's got a comfy place to sit (chair cushion/pillow), if she's latching, check ahead to make sure the venue has a place she can go if necessary (NOT a restroom!), etc. Plan that a couple days before the wedding you'll call to ask what she needs! (every birth is different, with my first I really wasn't able to go/do things until 6-8w PP because it was a rough L&D, with DS I was walking a half-mile the day after I left the hospital because DS was in the PICU and that's how far the cafeteria was, but couldn't lay down for over a month..). Also, it may be a last-second decision to NOT attend, so be understanding if that happens - those first weeks are some of the most challenging, maternity leave isn't "vacation time"...

englishrose-2 · September 2016

Thanks for the responses everyone! I will tell her when /if comes up in conversation or via the invitation and won't make a special point of telling her. I'm fully expecting not to know till the last minute or even the morning itself if she is coming or not, but to be honest I'm just really touched she's even thinking about schlepping across the country for a wedding 2 weeks post partum!

OliveOilsMom · September 2016

Englishrose said:

Thanks for the responses everyone! I will tell her when /if comes up in conversation or via the invitation and won't make a special point of telling her. I'm fully expecting not to know till the last minute or even the morning itself if she is coming or not, but to be honest I'm just really touched she's even thinking about schlepping across the country for a wedding 2 weeks post partum!

How far away is she coming from? Is she planning to fly? I have a feeling she might begin to get cold feet knowing she would have an immune-compromised baby on an airplane.

I mean, I know a couple who took a months vacation to Hawaii after the birth of their son, he was just over a month when he took his first plane ride. But he was also a 2nd child, parents can be more "daring" with children after the 1st!

TrixieJess · September 2016

Englishrose said:

Thanks for the responses everyone! I will tell her when /if comes up in conversation or via the invitation and won't make a special point of telling her. I'm fully expecting not to know till the last minute or even the morning itself if she is coming or not, but to be honest I'm just really touched she's even thinking about schlepping across the country for a wedding 2 weeks post partum!

Keep in mind that just because she's due 2 weeks before your wedding doesn't mean she'll have the baby before your wedding. She could safely go over 2 weeks past her due date and be unable to make your wedding. Please keep this in mind. First babies are unpredictable.

Should I approach bridesmaid about her baby?

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