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Turned off by terrible manners

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
I recently hit it off with a friend in my biking group. He is funny, insightful, and smart. We have flirted on and off for a few months when he asked me out to dinner. I have never been so turned off so fast before. It was a burger joint so I wasn’t expecting perfect table manners, but I didn’t expect to hear every chew either. He smacked and slurped and I nearly made myself sick from trying to finish my burger while listening to him. He texted me for another date and I pleaded work exhaustion and skipped biking a couple of times. Since then he hasn’t asked me out again and we have been friendly and it has come up in the group that he has gotten a lot of first dates but not a lot of second ones. He is a good guy who wants to get married and have kids. Do I owe it to him to be truthful? How do I say the sounds you make when you eat made me nauseous? I feel this conversation would be awkward as hell, but I don’t feel like taking one of his buddies aside and springing this on him. Any thoughts would be welcomed.

—Talking Smack

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Re: Turned off by terrible manners

  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Yeah, it's one thing if a person knows this about a good friend and "wonders" out loud why they can't seem to get a second date.  Then I would chime in.

    But it is quite another to give constructive criticism to an acquaintance, even if there was one date, that was not asked for.

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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    I'm wondering if LW has that issue some people have {H, BIL and MIL have it} where they think they hear the person chew and it gets on their nerves ...
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm wondering if LW has that issue some people have {H, BIL and MIL have it} where they think they hear the person chew and it gets on their nerves ...
    Misophonia 
    I knew I desperately needed to leave my marriage when I wanted to stab my husband in the throat every time he ate anything. I have a touch of misophonia, but with him it was terrible.
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm wondering if LW has that issue some people have {H, BIL and MIL have it} where they think they hear the person chew and it gets on their nerves ...
    Misophonia 
    I have this. Hard to say whether the LW does, but if so, then this is really on her and she shouldn't say anything.
    �
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  • GBCKGBCK member
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    I've told this story before, but my grandma told the story for years that the first morning she was married, she saw my gramps w/ egg dripping off his 5-o'clock shadow...and thought "oh no, what have I done.  Every morning, forever?"

    Most awesome marriage ever...but if you adore someone, you can be annoyed (and get over it) but damnit, I don't want to have to get over it on date 1. 
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm wondering if LW has that issue some people have {H, BIL and MIL have it} where they think they hear the person chew and it gets on their nerves ...
    Misophonia 
    YES! H has it, so does his brother and mother. H's stepdad and I joke about it because MIL yells at him and H yells at me swearing we 'chew too loud'
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm wondering if LW has that issue some people have {H, BIL and MIL have it} where they think they hear the person chew and it gets on their nerves ...
    Misophonia 

    I've never heard of this condition!  Interesting.  Learn something new every day on TK.
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  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I can't sit next to anyone at the table, and if I have to sit next to people at meals, there better be background noise.  I also will NOT look at anyone when they're eating.  Food noises are the worst.

    I feel like my misophonia is the worst with my mother when she eats (it's truly terrible, and I don't know if it's me or her, because a lot of what she does these days irks me to no end), but H will crack his toes, and that gives me the heebie jeebies just as much.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    I'm wondering if LW has that issue some people have {H, BIL and MIL have it} where they think they hear the person chew and it gets on their nerves ...
    Misophonia 
    I knew I desperately needed to leave my marriage when I wanted to stab my husband in the throat every time he ate anything. I have a touch of misophonia, but with him it was terrible.
    I don't think I have misophonia at all; I had the same feelings when eating with exDH.  It was like, by that point, his mere presence was a drain on me, so any small irritating thing was expanded by one million percent.
    �
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  • InLoveInQueensInLoveInQueens member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited September 2016
    I think I've got that, I have to put my headphones in every time I take the train because there's at least one person chewing gum like a cow and it drives me batty. My coworker calls me while eating carrots and chewing gum constantly and I have to figure out a good way to tell her to close her freaking mouth.

    I went on a first date like LW, except instead of chewing with his mouth open he picked up his entire chicken breast and ate it off the fork rather than cutting it into bite sized pieces and not looking like a caveman. Huge turnoff that he did that on a first date. There was no second date and I met my husband a month later, so I'm happy he did that in retrospect.
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  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    VarunaTT said:
    I don't think I have misophonia at all; I had the same feelings when eating with exDH.  It was like, by that point, his mere presence was a drain on me, so any small irritating thing was expanded by one million percent.
    When I left my husband only one person knew I was even thinking about it. Afterwards, everyone kept telling me how shocked they were, how I never said anything, how we seemed happy. Except one person. She said, "You know, I knew you were in trouble when you told me that it pissed you off when he offered to get you a bottle of water." But as per the misophonia, if I'm not eating, other people's chewing drives me batty. 
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    I've got that something fierce!!  I swear DH can crunch thin air and don't get me started on him eating chips...  DD will forget once in a while but "the eye" and she fixes right up...  LW - if presented with the opportunity needs to be honest and just come out and say it "You don't know you don't know" could be where the gent is and if he's otherwise a good guy and it's just a simple thing like this, it's a relatively easy fix!
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    InLoveInQueens said:
    I think I've got that, I have to put my headphones in every time I take the train because there's at least one person chewing gum like a cow and it drives me batty. My coworker calls me while eating carrots and chewing gum constantly and I have to figure out a good way to tell her to close her freaking mouth.

    I went on a first date like LW, except instead of chewing with his mouth open he picked up his entire chicken breast and ate it off the fork rather than cutting it into bite sized pieces and not looking like a caveman. Huge turnoff that he did that on a first date. There was no second date and I met my husband a month later, so I'm happy he did that in retrospect.

    I had a similar first date!  He ordered veal parm (I even remember the dish he ordered!) and cut a large strip of veal.  Stabbed the entire thing with his fork, would bite off half of it - chew that and then eat the remaining bite on the fork.  When I first noticed that, I did like a double take and made sure to watch him on the next slice of veal.  Yup, did it again. 

    Typically chewing noises and weird eating habits don't bother me, but for some reason that one did.  Knew he wasn't getting very far into a relationship with me.  But I did go on a 2nd date with him because I had an extra concert ticket for the following week and didn't want to go by myself!

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  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I fortunately do not have misophonia, which I believe is unreasonably upset reactions to normal eating noises, but I do get reasonably upset over my coworker's abnormal noises lol.

    He sits beside right beside me and eats several meals at his desk each day, so I get to hear constantly. He seems to consume every single type of food by SLURPING it. I didn't realize it was possible to eat so loudly until I met him.

    He eats little cups of apple sauce sans spoon.
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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I don't believe I have misophonia either, but I can't stand to be around my FIL and BIL when they eat. Both are open-mouth chewers and smack very loudly when eating. I just can't look or listen while they are eating.
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