Weird situation:

ASHBOHOBO · September 2016

Hello,
I'm posting this here because I want to see if anyone else has experienced this or knows if I handled this the correct way.

A few months ago, I was looking for bartenders for my wedding. I had been introduced to two women through a mutual friend who said they would do it, they were a team.

Recently, one of the women were in a horrible motorcycle accident and ended up passing away.

My mom heard what happened, she knew she was one of my bar tenders and she asked her friend if she could do it instead so I didn't have to worry about it. I didn't ask my mom to do this, but I'm not mad she did it.

I talked to my friend who hooked me up with these initial bartenders and he said that she could still possibly do it. I felt bad when he told me that and explained what my mom did to remedy my bartending situation.

I just messaged the other bartender and told her basically I was sorry with what happened to her friend and because of everything that happened I wouldn't need her anymore. I never signed a contract with her and I felt so bad I just profusely apologized.

I just want to know if I did the proper thing or if there was a better way to go about it? I felt like it was a sensitive situation, so I waited a little while before telling her. I felt so bad.

DrillSergeantCat · September 2016

I think I would have let it be her choice.

ShesSoCold · September 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

I think I would have let it be her choice.

This. You should have asked her if she still wanted to work your wedding.

charlotte989875 · September 2016

ASHBOHOBO said:

Hello,
I'm posting this here because I want to see if anyone else has experienced this or knows if I handled this the correct way.

A few months ago, I was looking for bartenders for my wedding. I had been introduced to two women through a mutual friend who said they would do it, they were a team.

Recently, one of the women were in a horrible motorcycle accident and ended up passing away.

My mom heard what happened, she knew she was one of my bar tenders and she asked her friend if she could do it instead so I didn't have to worry about it. I didn't ask my mom to do this, but I'm not mad she did it.

I talked to my friend who hooked me up with these initial bartenders and he said that she could still possibly do it. I felt bad when he told me that and explained what my mom did to remedy my bartending situation.

I just messaged the other bartender and told her basically I was sorry with what happened to her friend and because of everything that happened I wouldn't need her anymore. I never signed a contract with her and I felt so bad I just profusely apologized.

I just want to know if I did the proper thing or if there was a better way to go about it? I felt like it was a sensitive situation, so I waited a little while before telling her. I felt so bad.

Yah I wouldn't have replaced her without speaking with her first. You basically fired her for assuming she wouldn't want to do it. She lost a friend and then losses a job, that sucks. Why didn't you just reach out to your friend who set it up before deciding?

ASHBOHOBO · September 2016

I did talk to this friend who set me up with her and explain what my mom did. He did initially say that she could still do it, but if my mom had already gone and hired someone else to just give her some time and message her later. I had actually called my mom and told her this other person could still do it and she flipped out on me because "she went out of her way" and I didn't want to pick a fight with my mom when she was only trying to help. I did want to ask this girl to still do it and I tried to ask my mom if she could work with the other girl and she flat out told me no.

ShesSoCold · September 2016

ASHBOHOBO said:

I did talk to this friend who set me up with her and explain what my mom did. He did initially say that she could still do it, but if my mom had already gone and hired someone else to just give her some time and message her later. I had actually called my mom and told her this other person could still do it and she flipped out on me because "she went out of her way" and I didn't want to pick a fight with my mom when she was only trying to help. I did want to ask this girl to still do it and I tried to ask my mom if she could work with the other girl and she flat out told me no.

Get a backbone.

charlotte989875 · September 2016

I'm with @ShesSoCold, you should have stood up to your mother here. I get that she was trying to help, but really if you wanted to keep the original bartender you should have told your mother no.

Again, you fired someone not because they did anything wrong but because their partner died. And you did that without talking to the person you hired. I think that's pretty unprofessional to be honest.

banana468 · September 2016

charlotte989875 said:

I'm with @ShesSoCold, you should have stood up to your mother here. I get that she was trying to help, but really if you wanted to keep the original bartender you should have told your mother no.

Again, you fired someone not because they did anything wrong but because their partner died. And you did that without talking to the person you hired. I think that's pretty unprofessional to be honest.

I have to agree here. Your wedding feels like a personal matter but it's a business event for these people. Do you know that the death of this person's partner made the other bartender no longer employable?

It's understandable that your mom wanted to help but I think you should have checked with your original vendor first.

At minimum I think you owe the original bartender an apology. This person lost a business partner and then you fired him/her.

DrillSergeantCat · September 2016

And your mom, unless she's paying, really shouldn't be contacting your vendors on your behalf except at your request.

TheMostHappy15 · September 2016

Yeah I think it's weird that you/your mom assumed because one partner died the other could no longer work the wedding. What was the thought process behind that?

The bigger problem IMO seems to be a boundary issue with your mom. She shouldn't be making hiring decisions for something you are paying for (I assume) and she shouldn't be flipping out when you honestly communicate to her that she's complicated a situation by acting thoughtlessly. Dealing with people who feel entitled to make decisions for you because they are "just trying to help" is going to get exhausting and frustrating quickly, so I'd use this incident as a chance to send the message you won't tolerate that kind of dynamic going forward.

MeetTheLaras · September 2016

Ugh, you really got yourself in a pickle. I know you didn't want to upset your Mom, but I agree with the PPs. It's really terrible to fire this woman after she lost her partner, especially without speaking to her first.

glasgowtolondon · September 2016

I feel like the fact that you are even asking this question says you probably know it wasn't the right call to make. I definitely think you owe an apology.

lyndausvi · September 2016

Sorry, your mom sounds like a real winner. A partner dies and she goes ahead a basically fires the other one (via hiring another bar tender). WTF? Who does that? Why the rush? Why did she go behind your back over a bar tending gig? Are you really that sensitive that she feels the need to take care of things behind your back so you do not have to worry?

You should feel bad. It's hard enough to lose a partner/friend, then you lose out on income on top of it for no good reason? Definitely need to set up some boundaries with mommy dearest. What she did is inexcusable.

It's almost like she really wanted her friend to bar tend and found an in with one bartender dying.

Question: Originally you had 2 bartenders, but you said your mom's "friend" not "friends" will now bar tend. Are you down a bar tender now? Does she have a TIPS* (or similar) certificate that most states now require bar tenders to have.

It appears the other bar tenders were professionals and might have had all that stuff. Mom's friend might be a professional bar tenders, I can't tell. Just somethings to think about.

*TIPS or something similar is a course about the liabilities of bar tending. Over-serving, state laws, liability laws, stuff like that. A lot of states and/or insurance companies serving alcohol require their bar tenders to have such a certificate.

SaintPaulGal · September 2016

Yeah, that was pretty stunningly crummy of your mom. Sorry.

It would be one thing if this was a comedy duo or something. That would leave you in an awkward position, since you can't really just sub in someone else to take the place of the late performer. But bartenders are different story. Not that their jobs don't require a great deal of skill, but one competent bartender ought to be able to work with pretty much any other competent bartender just fine and with basically the same results. There is no reason the surviving bartender couldn't have found someone to take her late partner's place. If she decided she didn't want the gig any more, that should be her call.

simplylaurel · September 2016

Hey, OP. Sounds like an awful situation all around, and let me be the first to acknowledge that 90% of this isn't your fault. The only questionable thing you did is immediately siding with your mom and picking her new bartender, before checking with the original surviving bartender. The ball is basically in the other bartender's court, and you, your mom, and the new bartender have to accept that.

Now, it is completely possible that the surviving bartender won't want to do the job at all, in which case, nothing to worry about. However, I think it's worth reaching out to her again and seeing if she does want the job. If she does, then, as the first person you agreed to hire, you owe it to her to give her the job. Even if you didn't sign a contract with her, oral contracts are a thing, and easily enforceable in Court. She might really appreciate the extra income, considering the other loss she just suffered. It's also very possible that she won't be up to the job, since she just lost someone she is close with, who was connected to this particular job. If you can, try to amend your previous message to express that while you are very sorry for her loss, and have a back-up plan if she doesn't want to do the wedding, you would also love to have her still serve at your wedding. Your mom's friend, if she really is a professional bartender, should understand, especially considering the extenuating circumstance. Or, as other posters have suggested, you can have both of them serve. Maybe one would want to serve for the cocktail hour, and another could take over later during the reception. As I said earlier, the ball is in the original bartender's court. She'll be honest about what she wants, just make sure she knows that you are okay with whatever option she chooses.

downtondiva · September 2016

Even if you hadn't signed a contract, I think you should've talked to the woman to see if she was still up to the job after her friend's passing before you hired someone else. While your mother meant well, it wasn't appropriate of her to take it upon herself to hire someone else without consulting you. And really, you should've told her that and made her explain the situation to her friend.

Since that ship has sailed, is there any way you could have both women work at the wedding? I don't think it's unreasonable to have more than one person tending bar since there are usually a lot of people looking for drinks at once. I just don't see why the first woman should miss out on this income because her friend died and your mom was, frankly, a bit thoughtless.

ILoveBeachMusic · September 2016

I agree with PPs. Could they both bartend? For DD's reception we had three bartenders with around 155 people.

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