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Etiquette Problem

Knottie1448131004Knottie1448131004 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Here's my dilemma. My FI and I are going to be married in the UK (it's where we live currently). Everything is arranged. Since it's so far away only immediate family and close friends are going to be invited (save the dates were sent a few months ago).

Recently, I've found out that my mother's arranging a bridal shower back in the US and bit by bit her plans have been shared with me. All her cousins and friends are coming. It's going to be fairly large (100+ people) with both women and men. I had told her I didn't mind having a bridal shower (because she wanted me to have one), but that I would then be expected to invite those people to the wedding and that I didn't feel comfortable 1) asking them to travel so far with the expense 2) my FI and I can't afford/fit 100+ people in the venue we've chosen... 

So now a bunch of people are invited to my bridal shower, but not the wedding. Oh and also it seems like this bridal shower will be more like a wedding reception. There's going to have just about everything that you'd expect at a reception, but the music. :sweat: It seems like I should have just given in at the beginning and had the wedding in the US - letting her plan everything while I was abroad. 
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Re: Etiquette Problem

  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat member
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    Do you have a question or just having a vent?
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  • Knottie1448131004Knottie1448131004 member
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    DrillSergeantCat said:
    Do you have a question or just having a vent?
    Both. I feel like I've been told to drink from a fire hydrant and can't shut it off. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Tell your mom you won't be attending. That's crazy. 100 people for a shower, and most of them aren't even invited to the wedding?!!? She'll have to cancel it. 
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    In terms of the guests.  The etiquette faux pas is on your mom.  She knows your guest list and chose to invite people who you will not invite to the wedding.  So that will only make your mom look bad.

    As for the mini-reception, what all is involved.  As a PP said, I've been to pretty formal showers before.  Is that what this is?  Or does she inclinations to do pretty much every  reception custom at your shower, minus music. 

    Have you also explained to your mom how you could possibly bring back all of these items to the UK?  Any electronics will not be compatible and long term use of an adapter is probably not good for the appliance.  Are you going to ship the items back, bring them with you on the plane, etc?

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  • TheMostHappy15TheMostHappy15 member
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    Yeah I also think it's perfectly acceptable and even the norm in some circles to have a big fancy shower... but only if everyone is also invited to the wedding. 

    OP, just tell your mom you won't go because you aren't comfortable having a shower with people who aren't invited to the wedding as guests. She'll probably be pissed she has to cancel but it's better that than you look like you're being a jerk.

    I don't honestly know if this is etiquette approved but personally I'd side-eye a lot less if your mom wants to throw you a big party (not a shower, the purpose of which is specifically to give you presents) to celebrate with your state-side relations after the wedding. Maybe try to float that as an alternative?
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    edited October 2016
    You definitely need to cancel. Don't be like the 10000 other women on this board who don't know how to say no. 

    And no, just in case it's brought up by someone on here, just because you're not the one planning this does not mean it won't reflect poorly on you. 

    Formerly martha1818

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I'd cancel.  It's one thing if one or two guests who aren't invited to the wedding accidentally get invited to the shower.  Then it reflects poorly on the host.  But when it is half the shower guests, that reflects poorly on anyone involved with the party.

    Plus, unless I was planning to anyway, I wouldn't want to fly to the U.S. from the U.K. for a shower.  Much less try to figure out what to do with all the gifts.  Some of which might cost more to ship than they are worth.

    Like @TheMostHappy15 mentioned, if your mom would like to do something, a more casual "meet the new couple" party during a visit back home would be nice.

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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    You have to cancel this. Tell your mum it's invited wedding guests only, or you will not be attending. You need to tell her now before guests start making arrangements.

    Also, at a shower you MUST open everyone's present. With 100 guests, conservatively 90 seconds a gift and no breaks- you'll be opening gifts for 2.5 hours!!

    Beyond rude on your mums part and unfortunately they will think you are in on it if you don't nip it in the bud...
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    At the end of the day - it's on your Mom.  There's a balance between "Bride isn't allowed to be involved in the shower planning" and "balancing act".  I think the bigger question is - would it be better for your Mom to host a "Celebration of marriage" party post-wedding instead, and that would be yes.  And, really, I'd recommend that this be your suggestion instead of outright cancelling the shower depending on the family dynamics since you're unable to invite everyone to the wedding itself.  And etiquette vs. family politics, might alter the answer, however, strictly from an etiquette perspective suggest she host a post-wedding celebration event.


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  • Knottie1448131004Knottie1448131004 member
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    edited October 2016
    I wish I had the foreknowledge to say I'd prefer a pre-wedding celebration. That would have made things a lot easier! Unfortunately, the invitations have been sent written in big cursive letters saying it's a bridal shower. 

    Say I were to try to save face, would I have to invite everyone on her list or can I invite everyone who RSVPs to the shower? (The thought of inviting all these people makes me sick to my stomach. We'd have to use our honeymoon savings and more).

    My relationship with her is complicated and I'm fairly certain she would not speak to me again if I asked her to cancel. She still holds the way I was engaged to my FI over my head.

    The shower is going to be a three course dinner and socialising as far as I understand. She sent them my wedding registry link so I won't actually be getting gifts. :S Any gifts (wedding or otherwise) will be stored in the US until we move back. 

    How much of a train wreck is THIS? 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Tell your mother that unfortunately, her plans won't work because it's not possible for you to invite to the wedding everyone she's inviting to the shower, so she needs to cancel. If she refuses to speak to you again, then unfortunately, you'll need to contact all these people she's inviting, tell them the shower is canceled, and why. Hopefully they'll understand that this is on your mother, not you. 

    Your situation sucks. But there's nothing else that can be done.
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  • redwoodoriginalredwoodoriginal member
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    Knottie1448131004 said:

    The shower is going to be a three course dinner and socialising as far as I understand. She sent them my wedding registry link so I won't actually be getting gifts. :S Any gifts (wedding or otherwise) will be stored in the US until we move back. 

    How much of a train wreck is THIS? 
    What the hell does this mean? How are you having a shower but not getting any gifts? She want them the link to your registry gifts. So why would you think you're not getting gifts. Unless you mean you have a honey fund of sorts and that's a whole nother level of bad etiquette. 
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  • TheMostHappy15TheMostHappy15 member
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    Knottie1448131004 said:
    I wish I had the foreknowledge to say I'd prefer a pre-wedding celebration. That would have made things a lot easier! Unfortunately, the invitations have been sent written in big cursive letters saying it's a bridal shower. 

    Say I were to try to save face, would I have to invite everyone on her list or can I invite everyone who RSVPs to the shower? (The thought of inviting all these people makes me sick to my stomach. We'd have to use our honeymoon savings and more).

    My relationship with her is complicated and I'm fairly certain she would not speak to me again if I asked her to cancel. She still holds the way I was engaged to my FI over my head.

    The shower is going to be a three course dinner and socialising as far as I understand. She sent them my wedding registry link so I won't actually be getting gifts. :S Any gifts (wedding or otherwise) will be stored in the US until we move back. 

    How much of a train wreck is THIS? 
    I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, this is a bad situation.

    Here's the thing: you have to invite every single person she has invited to your wedding if you truly want to save face. Not just the ones who RSVP yes (whether or not they come is irrelevant- the whole reason this is an issue is because if someone is invited to the shower and not the wedding they tend to assume the bride and groom just wanted a present, which is what their impression will be regardless of whether they can actually make the shower). 

    I really don't think you should use your savings to try to undo your mom's mistake though. That's so unfair to you- and more than that, it sets an awful precedent for your relationship with your mom. It already sounds like she's very manipulative, and that behavior is only going to get worse the more you let her get away with it. This is the point when you have to put your foot down, tell her (at the very least) it needs to be changed to a celebration of marriage party after the wedding, and stick to your guns if she pushes back.

    My best advice for having that difficult conversation is to be brisk and positive- "Hey mom, we need to change the shower to a celebration of marriage party after the wedding if you still want to throw a big party. We just can't afford to include all these people in our wedding on our budget and we wouldn't feel right asking them for a gift and not including them in the big day. Let me know if you want to just call it off or change it into a celebration after the wedding- I'm fine either way."

    Finally I want to note- you have to do this post-wedding, otherwise it's too much like a shower. Anyone invited to any pre-wedding event (engagement party, shower, bachelorette party etc.) expects to be invited to the wedding.
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    So technically your mom is the host, and she invited all of these guests that you did not agree to. When they are not invited to the wedding, that is on her to explain. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that some guests won't look unfavourably at you...

    No, you should not invite these people to your wedding. You set your budget, your guest list and your venue- that is done. What you need to do is push back on your mom. "Mom, it isn't appropriate to invite all of these guests to attend a shower for a wedding that they are not invited to. Please cancel the event. You can re-plan a more modest shower if you'd like, but I cannot attend the current shower as planned".

    As for a large shower itself- I wouldn't worry about that so much, some people have elaborate and formal showers- that is OK. It's the guest list that isn't.

    If when talking to your mom she says, "But I want to be able to celebrate with everyone!" then you can bring up the idea of "Maybe then what you should host is a celebration party, after the wedding, and cancel the shower".
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited October 2016
    Tell your mother to call her guests and explain that she made a mistake, and that this is not a shower for you, but is a dinner to celebrate your upcoming nuptials.  Cards with good wishes will be a nice idea.
    Traditionally, the MOB is not supposed to host a shower for her daughter, anyway.
    Problem solved.  Enjoy dinner.  
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    edited October 2016
    LondonLisa said:
    If your mother will cut ties with you over a party, it is time to reevaluate your relationship with her. That is emotional blackmail, and is a form of abuse.

    Parties get cancelled all the time, it's not a big deal. 

    Sorry, this party is rude AF, and isn't exactly a surprise shower. I would judge you for it. 

    Time to put on big girl knickers and have boundaries. You have 2 options: 1) please your mother by going ahead with this but inviting all these guests you don't want or 2) cancel this party, and enjoy your honeymoon-I'm sure your FH would want this. 

    The honeymoon isn't yours alone to sacrifice- You are punishing your H for your ineffectualism.  Think long and hard about the precedent this sets. What happens next? Mum doesn't speak to you because she wants your kids to go to a certain school? Mum threatens to cut you out because you want Christmas at your H's house? If H refused to say no to his mum and it meant my honeymoon got cancelled, I would be so upset with him! 

    Time to create boundaries with your mum, not just for your sake but for the sake of your new marriage. 

    Just say calmly, "Mum, but that party isn't going to work for me as you have invited guests that aren't invited to the wedding. It needs to be cancelled as I will not be attending and do not want it associated with my wedding. "




    This. OP, you don't get to be rude to these 100 people just because you're afraid of saying no to your mom.

    Just because you're not "technically" the host, doesn't mean you get to throw up your hands, put your head in the sand, and allow 100 people to take time and money to celebrate you when you're not even inviting them to the wedding. That's mortifying. 

    Either stand up to your mom and tell her to cancel or change it to an after-wedding party, or postpone your honeymoon so that you have the funds to invite these extra people. They're both not ideal choices, but that's part of adulthood. 

    ETA "Invites have already gone out saying it's a shower" is not an excuse. It's possible to pick up the phone and tell people that the event is either cancelled, or changed to an after wedding celebration with a new date. 

    Formerly martha1818

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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    lovegood90 said:
    LondonLisa said:
    If your mother will cut ties with you over a party, it is time to reevaluate your relationship with her. That is emotional blackmail, and is a form of abuse.

    Parties get cancelled all the time, it's not a big deal. 

    Sorry, this party is rude AF, and isn't exactly a surprise shower. I would judge you for it. 

    Time to put on big girl knickers and have boundaries. You have 2 options: 1) please your mother by going ahead with this but inviting all these guests you don't want or 2) cancel this party, and enjoy your honeymoon-I'm sure your FH would want this. 

    The honeymoon isn't yours alone to sacrifice- You are punishing your H for your ineffectualism.  Think long and hard about the precedent this sets. What happens next? Mum doesn't speak to you because she wants your kids to go to a certain school? Mum threatens to cut you out because you want Christmas at your H's house? If H refused to say no to his mum and it meant my honeymoon got cancelled, I would be so upset with him! 

    Time to create boundaries with your mum, not just for your sake but for the sake of your new marriage. 

    Just say calmly, "Mum, but that party isn't going to work for me as you have invited guests that aren't invited to the wedding. It needs to be cancelled as I will not be attending and do not want it associated with my wedding. "




    This. OP, you don't get to be rude to these 100 people just because you're afraid of saying no to your mom.

    Just because you're not "technically" the host, doesn't mean you get to throw up your hands, put your head in the sand, and allow 100 people to take time and money to celebrate you when you're not even inviting them to the wedding. That's mortifying. 

    Either stand up to your mom and tell her to cancel or change it to an after-wedding party, or postpone your honeymoon so that you have the funds to invite these extra people. They're both not ideal choices, but that's part of adulthood. 

    ETA "Invites have already gone out saying it's a shower" is not an excuse. It's possible to pick up the phone and tell people that the event is either cancelled, or changed to an after wedding celebration with a new date. 
    This isn't you walking into the shower and being shocked at seeing 1-2 faces that aren't invited to the wedding. This is a rude party that you know about well enough in advance to prevent it, but you don't want to. That is immature, selfish and rude. You are choosing to be in this situation by allowing it. You are partly responsible. 
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  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
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    Yikes, I would be calling my mother right now and telling her that this shower is not happening as planned.  I would tell her that you are not going to accommodate these people at your wedding and are not comfortable attending a shower that includes them.  I would offer the compromise to have a celebration of marriage party after the wedding, but only if you and your H want that to happen.

    I would not be sacrificing my honeymoon because my mother made plans that were rude, but I also wouldn't attend a party that makes me look rude.  And sorry, not sorry, but this current plan WILL make you look rude to some people.

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  • JessGettinMarriedJessGettinMarried member
    First Comment
    I think you need to scale the whole thing back. Have you thought about how many people you're comfortable with inviting? Maybe you could tell your mum, and ask her to go through the list of people with you. How many of those people could you invite to come to the UK for the wedding?

    I really hope you can sort something out. Good luck!
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