Hi all,
We are a week away from our RSVP deadline and my FMIL wants to add more guests that weren't included as part of our guest list, and they therefore didn't get Save the Dates or invitations.
To give some context - the wedding is being paid for 1/3 by my family, 1/3 by FI's family, 1/2 by FI and I. We did as best as we could to keep the guest list 1/3 my family's invites, 1/3 my FI's family's invites, and 1/3 our mutual friends our own age (including the wedding party). When we were planning our budget, we made the guest list. FMIL wanted to invite a whole bunch of her cousins, their adult children, and other distant family who my FI and I have never met (well, scratch that - we saw them at my FBIL's wedding a few years ago, but never saw them before or since then). All of the people she wanted to invite went to my FBIL's wedding, but they also had more help from FSIL's mom so they had a bigger budget. My FI told her that we couldn't afford to invite ALL of them, so she could tell us who she wanted to fill in for 10 spaces. She gave us the names, that was that. (These 10 spaces are in addition to FI's many direct aunts, uncles, and adult cousins.)
We have gotten some declines (not many though), enough for us to tell her that we now have room to invite my FI's aunt's children. We wanted to invite them in the first place, but FMIL said we could take them off for budget and space purposes. They are in high school and we see them at every holiday. When she got the invite, FI's aunt politely asked to clarify if they were invited, and FMIL told her that if we did have declines, we would let her know. Well, now we're at that point, so today my FI asked his mom to inform the aunt that her kids can come. FMIL countered that she has some additional cousins of her own she'd like to invite since, from him saying that, she knows we have declines. Problem is: (a) these people were not on the invite list and did not receive invitations; (b) we don't know them at all!
I want to put my foot down and say no. The cousins of my FI, I believe, should be there and should have priority, and as we get more declines, I do not want to "backfill" the spaces. Even if my FMIL says that these extra guests would be happy just to get the invite and really want to come, they will absolutely know they were B-listed - the RSVP date is printed on the response card, and it's next week! I find B-listing so embarrassing and tacky no matter what my FMIL says. Also, even if we did budget for "X" amount of people, my FI and I would rather just save the money by not backfilling - nothing wrong with coming in under budget, and money is very tight for us right now. Finally, if these people were so important, she would have included them in the first round of invites; they live in the same state as all of us, so nothing is stopping them from coming to holidays, having dinners with my FMIL and us, etc., but they only come around when a wedding is happening.
I've asked my FI to reiterate that he only would like to invite the HS cousins I mentioned before, and that we will not send out any additional invites. I think it's better he talks to her about it because she is his mom. I would like him to stay away from money talk because she will try to work around by saying how they're only backfilling spaces. I also plan on not sharing with her who on our invite list has accepted and who has declined until right before we give the final numbers to the venue - she'll probably find this information out through the grapevine, but it just won't be coming from us. Is this the best way to handle this situation?