MIL/Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette Question

Knottie1455824235 · September 2016

Hey All!

I'm getting married soon, within a year, and I couldn't be more excited. We've gotten some big things checked off, and we're chipping away bit by bit and learning along in the process.

The only thing that is becoming a little frustrating is the rehearsal dinner. My FI's mother is hosting the dinner, and is very excited to do so. I would almost argue too excited? Here's my dilemma:

She is hosting the rehearsal dinner, and her expectations of what it should be and my expectations are quite different. I won't bore you with the details, of what she expects at a rehearsal dinner. I just have two things I request for the rehearsal dinner: that it be handicap accessible, and that it be close to our hotels.

We looked at several places so far. She's turned down all of them for one reason or another. Nothing price related, but trivial little things that don't matter to me, but matter to her. I fell in love with one place, that was within her price range, but she felt that the price didn't justify what we were getting. I was sad to hear that she wouldn't want to pay for that rehearsal space, but I also understand she is footing the bill. So I respected it and moved on.

I get an email a few days later about a place that is 30 minutes away from our hotels where our bridal party and guests are staying. I had said time and time again that I didn't want to drive far away just for a dinner, so that my family and I could traipse all the way back. And I know my bridal party, and we'll be drinking, and I'd like them to get to the hotels safely.

I emailed her back and said that I didn't want to have a rehearsal dinner that far out of the way that it equates to a total of an hour commute time. I didn't think I was being entirely rude in the email. I just wanted to reiterate that it really means a lot to me if I can keep myself and my bridal party close to our hotels.

I understand through way of my fiance that this has upset her. I was a little surprised. After all, I respected her wishes in regards to the place I fell in love with. Am I asking that much by insisting I don't want to drive that far? I don't want my fiance to be in the middle, and I intend to call her and apologize. But I'm curious, what am I doing wrong?

I'm not asking to micromanage details, I just ask two things, and I think that's pretty reasonable. Why should I meet her in the middle over this, if she hasn't been able to meet in the middle of any of the other options we've looked at so far? I'm starting to feel like the rehearsal dinner is all about her than it is about my FI and myself. Am I just being selfish? Should I just avoid the situation all together and have her book everything and decide where to eat and stay out of the decision process?

Signed,
Confused. Wanting to Avoid Broken Feelings

charlotte989875 · September 2016

Knottie1455824235 said:

Hey All!

I'm getting married soon, within a year, and I couldn't be more excited. We've gotten some big things checked off, and we're chipping away bit by bit and learning along in the process.

The only thing that is becoming a little frustrating is the rehearsal dinner. My FI's mother is hosting the dinner, and is very excited to do so. I would almost argue too excited? Here's my dilemma:

She is hosting the rehearsal dinner, and her expectations of what it should be and my expectations are quite different. I won't bore you with the details, of what she expects at a rehearsal dinner. I just have two things I request for the rehearsal dinner: that it be handicap accessible, and that it be close to our hotels.

We looked at several places so far. She's turned down all of them for one reason or another. Nothing price related, but trivial little things that don't matter to me, but matter to her. I fell in love with one place, that was within her price range, but she felt that the price didn't justify what we were getting. I was sad to hear that she wouldn't want to pay for that rehearsal space, but I also understand she is footing the bill. So I respected it and moved on.

I get an email a few days later about a place that is 30 minutes away from our hotels where our bridal party and guests are staying. I had said time and time again that I didn't want to drive far away just for a dinner, so that my family and I could traipse all the way back. And I know my bridal party, and we'll be drinking, and I'd like them to get to the hotels safely.

I emailed her back and said that I didn't want to have a rehearsal dinner that far out of the way that it equates to a total of an hour commute time. I didn't think I was being entirely rude in the email. I just wanted to reiterate that it really means a lot to me if I can keep myself and my bridal party close to our hotels.

I understand through way of my fiance that this has upset her. I was a little surprised. After all, I respected her wishes in regards to the place I fell in love with. Am I asking that much by insisting I don't want to drive that far? I don't want my fiance to be in the middle, and I intend to call her and apologize. But I'm curious, what am I doing wrong?

I'm not asking to micromanage details, I just ask two things, and I think that's pretty reasonable. Why should I meet her in the middle over this, if she hasn't been able to meet in the middle of any of the other options we've looked at so far? I'm starting to feel like the rehearsal dinner is all about her than it is about my FI and myself. Am I just being selfish? Should I just avoid the situation all together and have her book everything and decide where to eat and stay out of the decision process?

Signed,
Confused. Wanting to Avoid Broken Feelings

I think that is a very reasonable request to have the travel time limited for the wedding party. I think asking them to travel farther away from the venue just for dinner is unnecessary when there are venues near by that would serve the same purpose.

As for some of the other things you mentioned, your FI really should be the one communicating with his family. It puts you in the position to tell her no, and around here the general consensus is that family talks to family. While I get you are coordinating with her, it really should be him, that way you avoid this awkward/uncomfortable situation.

Since your FMIL offered to host the party, you and your FI are free to accept (with her strings attached) or decline if you do not want to accept her conditions. Sounds like it might be time to talk seriously with your FI about whether or not you want your FILs hosting and if you would prefer to host it on your own, and make all of the decisions.

Jen4948 · September 2016

I think first you and your FI need to discuss the rehearsal dinner and establish between you whether you want to accept your FMIL's dinner with the strings attached or whether you want to decline it - because those are really the only two options you have regarding a dinner hosted by your FILs.

I agree with you that a 30 minute drive is expecting a lot, maybe too much, from your guests. But it should be your FI's responsibility to convey that to his mother if you turn down her invitation. So you need to get on the same page with him first. If he refuses to accept that the venue she wants is too far away and/or won't talk to her about it, I think you're going to have to have a firm conversation with him regarding your future relationship with him and with his family.

climbingsingle · September 2016

I also agree that expecting people to drive 30 mins for the rehearsal dinner is too much. I think your FI needs to back you up here, and tell your mother it's too far. And if you still can't agree on a place, decline her offer. Then you and your FI can host the RD at whatever place you choose.

SP29 · September 2016

I agree with you OP- keep the rehearsal dinner location close to the rehearsal itself or the hotels where the guests are staying.

However, your FI is the one who should be talking to his mom about this. You two present a united front, and he does the relaying of information/negotiation. Blood talks to blood.

At the end of the day though, if MIL isn't willing to budge, either you accept that she plans the dinner where she wants, even if it is 30 mins away, or you decline her offer and host the RD yourselves.

banana468 · September 2016

That's about the max I'd drive for a RD. We drove about 15 minutes or so for our RD and it was NBD but I think your requests are reasonable.

Can your FI talk with his mom and give her a radius for RD locations?

flantastic · September 2016

Yeah, I'd have your FI say that for the reasons you mentioned of guest comfort, it is very important to you that it be nearby, so much so that if she doesn't feel she can host to her standards in that radius that you two will take it over.

Knottie1455824235 · September 2016

I tried talking to bother her and my FI. Honestly, no such luck.

My FI has agreed she is being difficult, but is more lenient with it because its his mom. I've convinced myself though that trying to talk to her directly is useless, and puts me in the awkward position. My FI is just tired because the poor guy is in the middle. I just hope he realizes how difficult she is being and eventually puts his foot down. But I agree, moving forward, having my FI talk to her opposed to me is probably whats best.

[Deleted User] · September 2016

Knottie1455824235 said:

I tried talking to bother her and my FI. Honestly, no such luck.

My FI has agreed she is being difficult, but is more lenient with it because its his mom. I've convinced myself though that trying to talk to her directly is useless, and puts me in the awkward position. My FI is just tired because the poor guy is in the middle. I just hope he realizes how difficult she is being and eventually puts his foot down. But I agree, moving forward, having my FI talk to her opposed to me is probably whats best.

My suggestion based on your update is to make sure your FI is on the same page as you about the rehearsal dinner and reasons for the location. Because if he was truly on board then he wouldn't be a middle man. This still puts the "blame" on you. Instead, he would just be telling his mom HIS requirements and opinions.

OliveOilsMom · September 2016

As PP said, there is a difference to being "in the middle" and being on your side. You and FI decided together what works best for the RD. Why is it different now that his mom wants something else? You two should be a united front against FMIL. Talk to FI again and bring up the fact that you two were on the same page until his mom decided she wanted the RD somewhere else and now he is burying his head in the sand to not deal with his mom.

That is a FI problem. While it may seem minor, if your FI can't establish healthy boundaries with his mom now, you will have problems like this your entire marriage. What if FMIL decides the way you want to raise your kids isn't the "correct" way to do it? How would FI act then?

banana468 · September 2016

Knottie1455824235 said:

I tried talking to bother her and my FI. Honestly, no such luck.

My FI has agreed she is being difficult, but is more lenient with it because its his mom. I've convinced myself though that trying to talk to her directly is useless, and puts me in the awkward position. My FI is just tired because the poor guy is in the middle. I just hope he realizes how difficult she is being and eventually puts his foot down. But I agree, moving forward, having my FI talk to her opposed to me is probably whats best.

I agree with the others.

He's not in the middle. That makes him sound as if he's not agreeing with you.

Dude needs to understand the fine art of being one with his wife.

I get it. You need to pick and choose battles with mom. But if you agree to something together and now he doesn't know how to talk to his mom, it's not his mom that's the problem.

MesmrEwe · September 2016

Simple answer: Turn down the money because the strings are too excessive and host the R/RD you can afford yourselves.

You've got a FI problem, not a FMIL problem. The PP have covered this wonderfully. FI is NOT in the middle, he agrees with both of you and doesn't understand logistics. That's the problem! He wants his parents to host and hand off the detail, but also your position because you're his FI. If anything, you're the one in the middle trying to talk reason and logic. 15-20 MAX is the distance 30 is too far each way. Also, the Rehearsal should be where the ceremony is as it's a chance to learn the venue (where is the changing area, restrooms, general logistics) and the rehearsal itself is pretty secondary (everyone knows they walk in, stand/sit, walk out)..

kvruns · September 2016

You still have a year so I wouldn't get too stressed about it right now. H's family hosted the dinner too and they are not local so asked for suggestions. Then they wanted to hold it downtown, whereas the wedding and rehearsal were 30 min out in the suburbs and no one was staying downtown but them. I was afraid it was going to turn into a big mess but I had H handle it and try to let them know why traveling downtown still during rush hour would be a pain, not to mention people having to navigate (and pay for) parking, and arrival times would probably be staggered due to travel etc when there was a perfectly good option 5 min down the road from the rehearsal. They finally agreed and it worked out great.

AandBwillCyouatthealtar · September 2016

I have had similar issues with my fiance and FMIL, where he does not want to bother causing an argument, and it ends up falling to me, where I then become the bad guy.

You definitely need to set ground rules and pick your battles. He needs to be on your side, and if he's not, you both need to come to terms with things that you can agree on and stick those points with FILs (and ultimately on both sides).

HOWEVER, there are definitely things that can get misconstrued from email/texting. What has worked for me (I don't mind the confrontation, but I know it's hard for many people to have this conversation) is playing the concerned card. Pick up the phone and talk to her or maybe try to meet in person to hash out the details if it HAS to come down to you and not your fiance. It may require you doing some additional leg-work to find other venues that work with everyone's needs in advance. Let her know that you want to be able to work together because this is just the first of what I'm sure will be many hard conversations to come, and she'll also be your MIL soon enough, and you don't want THIS to be the start of a bad relationship. I would be real and honest with her and try to level with her to hope that she sees it from your perspective.

BeyondHappy · October 2016

The RD *is* about her. The RD is the only thing that the groom's family hosts, in the whole long list of wedding things. It's the only chance for the groom's family to say that they join in this celebration - so it's really FMIL's call where/when/menu/etc. Her name goes on the top line. She's the host, representing your groom's side of the family.

You already told her that you wanted two considerations. You did your part. Now it's up to her to pick a place and work out the details and sign the contract and pay the bill.

flantastic · October 2016

BeyondHappy said:

The RD *is* about her. The RD is the only thing that the groom's family hosts, in the whole long list of wedding things. It's the only chance for the groom's family to say that they join in this celebration - so it's really FMIL's call where/when/menu/etc. Her name goes on the top line. She's the host, representing your groom's side of the family.

You already told her that you wanted two considerations. You did your part. Now it's up to her to pick a place and work out the details and sign the contract and pay the bill.

None of this is necessarily the case, since you're phrasing this in terms of generalities. There's no larger scheme where this is the groom's family's "shot" to host - that's an outdated tradition. Anyone can host any part of the wedding events, although the only people who are responsible to host the wedding reception are the bride and groom (although others may offer to help).

You are right in the sense that FMIL is the host and therefore has control of the event.

OliveOilsMom · October 2016

flantastic said:

BeyondHappy said:

The RD *is* about her. The RD is the only thing that the groom's family hosts, in the whole long list of wedding things. It's the only chance for the groom's family to say that they join in this celebration - so it's really FMIL's call where/when/menu/etc. Her name goes on the top line. She's the host, representing your groom's side of the family.

You already told her that you wanted two considerations. You did your part. Now it's up to her to pick a place and work out the details and sign the contract and pay the bill.

None of this is necessarily the case, since you're phrasing this in terms of generalities. There's no larger scheme where this is the groom's family's "shot" to host - that's an outdated tradition. Anyone can host any part of the wedding events, although the only people who are responsible to host the wedding reception are the bride and groom (although others may offer to help).

You are right in the sense that FMIL is the host and therefore has control of the event.

Ditto Flan. MIL had no way of hosting a RD for us. Initially H & I were going to pay for the RD. My parents offered to pay for it entirely, but we split the bill. We ended up paying for the dinners and my parents paid the alcohol bill and tip. When I had invitations created I simply left off the hosting line and just put a request for RSVPs to me.

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