Surprise Trip for Parents in Lieu of Registry?

Knottie1465682639 · November 2016

Hi Brides/Grooms/etc!

To make a long story short, my wonderful parents are retiring the same week that I am getting married in early 2018. They have always wanted to go to Europe, but have never had the money.

My hubby-to-be and I have lived together for years, so we have no desire for a traditional registry. What do you all think of the idea of creating a honeymoon-like registry, except with the funds going towards a surprise retirement trip for my parents? I know that honeymoon registries are often frowned upon since they're "tacky", but would this be better received since it's not benefiting us directly?

If we do decide to do this, does anyone have any ideas on how to let guests know without my parents finding out? We wouldn't be able to put it on the wedding website or anything like that, since my mom might see.

Thank you so much for your help!

lyndausvi · November 2016

Call me cold hearted, but I do not give to HM funds, certainly not going to give money for a retirement trip for people I might not know.

ILoveBeachMusic · November 2016

Don't register for anything and if people ask just say you are saving money for a trip. You will in all likelihood receive mostly cash. You can then give it to your parents. Of course, you will still need to write thank you notes. However, if I gave a couple cash and found out they paid for a trip for their parents, I probably wouldn't be very happy about it,

SaintPaulGal · November 2016

Sorry, no. It's a sweet idea, but it fails on two major counts:

1. Honeymoon registries are gross because they amount to begging your guests for money. It doesn't matter where that money is going, you can't "register" for money. And really, there is no need anyway. If you have no registry or just a small one, people will tend toward giving you cash anyway.

2. Wedding gifts aren't some sort of accounts receivable line that you are owed by friends and family that can be redirected at will. If I give you a wedding gift it is because I care about you and I want to do something nice for you to celebrate your union. I'm sure your parents are fine people, but I'm not celebrating their wedding and therefore I am not getting them gifts.

If you really want to send your parents on a trip to Europe, there is nothing stopping you from taking the cash people give you and buying them tickets. But you can't ask people for donations to fund it.

jacques27 · November 2016

Agree with above. Just don't register. Use your own money and any cash gifts you receive to pay for the trip.

I have my own retirement to save for and my own parents to worry about. I also haven't been of a vacation on my own out of state in almost a decade. If I choose to give you a gift (object or cash), I sincerely don't care what you use it for, but don't specifically ask me to give you cash for me to fund your (or your parents) vacation. Maybe I'm cold-hearted, but when people ask for specific gifts (particularly cash) and shill for vacations, I'm less inclined to be generous. And if I'm your coworker or college friend or anyone on your husband-to-be's side, I'm really not all that invested in giving your parents a gift, though I'm sure they are lovely people, and if I'm giving you a gift for your wedding it's because I want to give something to celebrate that occasion, not your parents retirement. Just because they just so happen to occur in the same week doesn't mean connecting the two events is appropriate.

Also, I honestly don't know how you would keep that a secret? Write it in code in invisible ink on your save the dates and then make them take a blood oath to not tell anyone? It all seems just so unnecessary and complicated.

Let people give what they want to give, how they want to give it. There's nothing stopping you from using those gifts (whether they be cash or you get physical gifts and return them to the store for cash) and give it as a gift for your parents. Throw your parents a separate retirement party a couple weeks later and if people feel they want to give a gift and ask you for ideas, you can suggest that you want to surprise them with a trip (but only if THEY ask YOU) and they can contribute as they see fit or find an appropriate gift, like travel items appropriate for the trip.

charlotte989875 · November 2016

I think your heart is in the right place (wanting to do something wonderful for your parents), but the execution is not going to come off the way you want it to. Don't register, or have a very small one (and thus decline offers for showers or other gift giving events) and people will get the hint and give you cash. It's the up to you to decide what to do with it.

. Knottie1465682639 said:

Hi Brides/Grooms/etc!

To make a long story short, my wonderful parents are retiring the same week that I am getting married in early 2018. They have always wanted to go to Europe, but have never had the money.

My hubby-to-be and I have lived together for years, so we have no desire for a traditional registry. What do you all think of the idea of creating a honeymoon-like registry, except with the funds going towards a surprise retirement trip for my parents? I know that honeymoon registries are often frowned upon since they're "tacky", but would this be better received since it's not benefiting us directly?

If we do decide to do this, does anyone have any ideas on how to let guests know without my parents finding out? We wouldn't be able to put it on the wedding website or anything like that, since my mom might see.

Thank you so much for your help!

SP29 · November 2016

Nice thought, but I wouldn't do this.

1) Honeymoon funds are always rude. Asking for money in any way is rude. One thing you can do is not have a physical gift registry and most people will get the hint and give you cash. There are those guests who will always give a physical gift, so a HM registry won't solve this.

2) You are free to do whatever you want with a gift. If it's a physical gift, you can keep it, sell it, give it away, return it. With cash, once received it's yours to do with as you wish. If your guests give you cash, you are free to put that money towards a trip for your parents, if you so desire.

My personal thoughts- I am attending your wedding and giving a gift to celebrate your wedding. I am not there to celebrate your parent's retirement party (that can be a separate event). While I think it's a nice gesture, and you are free to do what you want with any gifts, I personally would not give money at your wedding for the purpose of sending your parents on a retirement trip- even if I like your parents. And if I was your parents, I would think it very special if my children bought DH and I a vacation, but if I found out it was funded by your wedding guests, that would make me very uncomfortable- it's no longer YOUR gift (it's theirs!) and it would make me feel like a charity case.

STARMOON44 · November 2016

My parents would be horrified if I did this.

ei34 · November 2016

It's tacky to outright ask your guests for money for anything, from a pediatric hospital fund all the way to a retirement trip for your parents. You're welcome to spend any money you receive as wedding gifts anyway you'd like, including treating your parents to a trip.

levioosa · November 2016

Nice thought, but no to all of the reasons PPs have stated. If I am giving you a gift, I am giving YOU a gift, not your parents.

crowsgirl15 · November 2016

This is a nice idea, but as others have mentioned, I may not know your parents. And while I may give a married couple money to get their lives started...it feels odd to me to give someone money for a retirement (even if it's a frivolous vacation), since presumably the couple retiring have done so because they already have the finances figured out.

LondonLisa · November 2016

You are essentially asking people to give you things so you can regift it. The ONLY way this could work is:

1.) Don't register anywhere (no honeymoon registries or cutesy poems saying you want money).
2.) If someone asks where you are registered say "We aren't registered anywhere but we are saving up for some big purchases".
3.) You will most likely get cash, and you are free to spend this any way you want.

But honeymoon registries are tacky AF and super rude to begin with. But if I found out that I paid to buy you a nice dinner (minus a 3% fee), but it turns out you didn't bother actually eat the dinner but instead regifted it to your parents, would be very, very cross.

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