MOH Nightmare- What do I do?

housetyrell · November 2016

Let me start by saying that I had some doubts about even making my MOH my MOH but she is (was?) one of my best friends, I didn't want to choose between my two sisters as I love them both equally and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and my other "best friend" lives 12 hours away and I didn't want the job of being MOH a burden for her. So my current MOH, was the obvious choice- except that when I told her I was engaged she was.. not all that excited to say the least, in fact- she was more pissed than anything because her boyfriend of 7 years (who happens to be my cousin, making this situation all the more awkward) hasn't proposed to her yet. She literally told me if she doesn't have a ring on her finger by the time I get married she was going to "freak out". I took that with a grain of salt and fast forward to the weekend of Oct 22nd which was my fiancé and I's engagement party.
I actually was slightly worried about her over the rest of my wedding party, incl my fiancé's frat brother groomsmen just because in the past, she tends to get very drunk in any emotional situation and because this was the first time a lot of my family was meeting my fiancé's family I really needed her to be on her best behavior, pleasantly, she was perfect and charming and everyone loved her- that is, until the next day...

Since I had all my bridesmaids and mother and MIL in town for the engagement party, I scheduled an appointment for dress shopping the day after the party- this is where things got really messy. While my other bridesmaids were helping me get do my hair/get ready/ mentally preparing me, my MOH was busy downstairs with the groomsmen doing shots. By the time we reached the bridal salon she was completely shloshed, my MOH was literally dropping F bombs up in the small bridal botique like it was WW3. Every time I came out of the dressing room my MOH would literally scream her opinion of my dress before I even made it to the mirror. The entire time I was on the verge of tears, literally having a panic attack every time I stepped out of the dressing room- she let no one, incl my mother have a word in edge wise. I was completely rendered unable in forming my own opinion because, again every time I pulled the curtain away she would scream something like "NO! YOU HATE STRAPS!" or "ISNT THAT A LITTLE TOO CONSERVATIVE?" "THAT TOTALLY ISN'T YOUR STYLE!" It got to the point where I asked everyone to kindly keep their opinions to themselves until I was ready, which she ignored, then I had my mom tell her, which she also ignored, and finally I had the poor girl dressing me ask- which my MOH also ignored. I was overwhelmed and confused and picked a dress because I felt pressured by her to and then stayed up all night sobbing about it because i knew it wasn't my dress.

Fortunately, I called my mom and dad the next day and we immediately went back to the dress shop and they allowed me to have a "do over" and I was able to make my own opinions in a peaceful setting rather than being screamed at for 2 hours by a blacked out drunk girl. Thankfully, I did find my dream dress that day.

So now it's Thursday the 3rd of November, eleven whole days after the incident and she still hasn't so much as texted me an apology. I'm honestly not sure what to do anymore- If she can't handle keeping her cool for my dress shopping I don't know how she's going to handle the actual wedding day. I know I need to have a conversation with her, but at this point- part of me is thinking of removing her as my MOH. It breaks my heart but that weekend was not the first time she ruined an important event for me by getting way too drunk- but this was really the straw that broke the camel's back and frankly, since she has yet to even attempt to contact me, maybe she doesn't even care to have me as a friend.

So **Any Advice?**

STARMOON44 · November 2016

Why didn't you say to her "wow you're way to drunk to be here! I'm calling you a cab, bye."? It's always strange to me when you pick someone despite knowing exactly what the problems will be, and then instead of doing anything to address them choose seething in silence and kicking her out instead of having a conversation about it and setting some boundaries.

geebee908 · November 2016

Knottie1459112985 said:

Let me start by saying that I had some doubts about even making my MOH my MOH but she is (was?) one of my best friends, I didn't want to choose between my two sisters as I love them both equally and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and my other "best friend" lives 12 hours away and I didn't want the job of being MOH a burden for her. So my current MOH, was the obvious choice- except that when I told her I was engaged she was.. not all that excited to say the least, in fact- she was more pissed than anything because her boyfriend of 7 years (who happens to be my cousin, making this situation all the more awkward) hasn't proposed to her yet. She literally told me if she doesn't have a ring on her finger by the time I get married she was going to "freak out". I took that with a grain of salt and fast forward to the weekend of Oct 22nd which was my fiancé and I's engagement party.
I actually was slightly worried about her over the rest of my wedding party, incl my fiancé's frat brother groomsmen just because in the past, she tends to get very drunk in any emotional situation and because this was the first time a lot of my family was meeting my fiancé's family I really needed her to be on her best behavior, pleasantly, she was perfect and charming and everyone loved her- that is, until the next day...
Since I had all my bridesmaids and mother and MIL in town for the engagement party, I scheduled an appointment for dress shopping the day after the party- this is where things got really messy. While my other bridesmaids were helping me get do my hair/get ready/ mentally preparing me, my MOH was busy downstairs with the groomsmen doing shots. By the time we reached the bridal salon she was completely shloshed, my MOH was literally dropping F bombs up in the small bridal botique like it was WW3. Every time I came out of the dressing room my MOH would literally scream her opinion of my dress before I even made it to the mirror. The entire time I was on the verge of tears, literally having a panic attack every time I stepped out of the dressing room- she let no one, incl my mother have a word in edge wise. I was completely rendered unable in forming my own opinion because, again every time I pulled the curtain away she would scream something like "NO! YOU HATE STRAPS!" or "ISNT THAT A LITTLE TOO CONSERVATIVE?" "THAT TOTALLY ISN'T YOUR STYLE!" It got to the point where I asked everyone to kindly keep their opinions to themselves until I was ready, which she ignored, then I had my mom tell her, which she also ignored, and finally I had the poor girl dressing me ask- which my MOH also ignored. I was overwhelmed and confused and picked a dress because I felt pressured by her to and then stayed up all night sobbing about it because i knew it wasn't my dress.
Fortunately, I called my mom and dad the next day and we immediately went back to the dress shop and they allowed me to have a "do over" and I was able to make my own opinions in a peaceful setting rather than being screamed at for 2 hours by a blacked out drunk girl. Thankfully, I did find my dream dress that day.
So now it's Thursday the 3rd of November, eleven whole days after the incident and she still hasn't so much as texted me an apology. I'm honestly not sure what to do anymore- If she can't handle keeping her cool for my dress shopping I don't know how she's going to handle the actual wedding day. I know I need to have a conversation with her, but at this point- part of me is thinking of removing her as my MOH. It breaks my heart but this past weekend was not the first time she ruined an important event for me by getting way too drunk- but this was really the straw that broke the camel's back and frankly, since she has yet to even attempt to contact me, maybe she doesn't even care to have me as a friend.
So **Any Advice?**

Do you want to end the friendship? That's what you'd be doing if you remove her. Being your MOH isn't a "job," it's an honor you bestow on the person you want standing next to you at your ceremony. As such it doesn't require anything more than showing up in time for your ceremony ready to stand next to you.

Ask yourself if you're setting up unrealistic expectations for what you think this whole period of your engagement is supposed to be. Was it a mistake to take everyone with you on your shopping trip? Probably, it usually works best to take only one or two people with you. What other "dream" experiences are you hoping to have? Take a moment to assess whether your expectations are realistic, keeping in mind no one will be as excited about your wedding at you are, particularly not someone who is upset that she is not already engaged.

ShesSoCold · November 2016

Okay, I get that her getting bombed is annoying. Her loud immediate opinions would also be annoying. I'm not dismissing any of that and I believe you should talk to her about it.

But, seriously - You need your bridesmaids to help you mentally prepare to go shopping? You bought a dress based on her drunken opinion alone? No personal thoughts? You literally sobbed for several hours over this?

This sounds like textbook bridezilla and over-entitled "every single thing from the moment a ring is on my finger to a month after the honeymoon is about me" bride. Yes you need to have a conversation with your MOH, but, FFS, you also need to take a step back and realize that you and your wedding are not that special or different.

housetyrell · November 2016

I probably should have added this- I did have a conversation with her prior to the weekend, letting her know that this was *not* going to be a "rage" weekend, that my mom/MIL were going to be there etc. She assured me that she understood. I mean, she's been a close friend for many years, I suppose I really should have listened to my gut before I asked her to be MOH but I figured that in an event as special as my wedding she would get her shit together for me.

glasgowtolondon · November 2016

So she usually behaves this way, and often gets drunk in emotionally charged situations but yet she hasn't changed her ways for your wedding? How curious.

STARMOON44 · November 2016

Knottie1459112985 said:

I probably should have added this- I did have a conversation with her prior to the weekend, letting her know that this was *not* going to be a "rage" weekend, that my mom/MIL were going to be there etc. She assured me that she understood. I mean, she's been a close friend for many years, I suppose I really should have listened to my gut before I asked her to be MOH but I figured that in an event as special as my wedding she would get her shit together for me.

I mean, she did shots with the groomsmen. So tell me more about how it wasn't a rage weekend? You had other people doing it too.

Your wedding is only special to you. If you want to not have someone yelling at you drunkenly, ask her to leave when it happens.

ShesSoCold · November 2016

Knottie1459112985 said:

I probably should have added this- I did have a conversation with her prior to the weekend, letting her know that this was *not* going to be a "rage" weekend, that my mom/MIL were going to be there etc. She assured me that she understood. I mean, she's been a close friend for many years, I suppose I really should have listened to my gut before I asked her to be MOH but I figured that in an event as special as my wedding she would get her shit together for me.

But this wasn't your wedding. This was a party and a shopping trip.

Think about the amount of parties you go to and the number of times you go shopping. It's seriously not that big of a deal.

You are not the first person to shop for a wedding dress. It doesn't need to be this perfect moment in time.

missfrodo · November 2016

Yeah, I think you've read way too much into movies like "Bridesmaids," which portray the entire engagement as a time where the bride's friends bend to her every whim. Take a step back and reevaluate your expectations. If you weren't getting married, would you still find her behavior inexcusable? If the answer to that is "yes," only you can decide if you're ready to end the friendship.

If you want to end your friendship with her entirely, tell her that up front. "MOH, I've valued our friendship over the years, but lately I feel we've grown apart, and I'm not comfortable with the way you handle alcohol. I think it's best if we go our separate ways" or some such wording. If she's no longer your friend, it will follow naturally that she's no longer in your wedding.

That said, all a MOH or BM has to do is show up on time for the wedding, in attire that is within her budget (which you should ask each girl for privately before selecting BM dresses), relatively sober. It sounds like for this friend, "relatively sober" may be difficult. If she shows up drunk to the wedding, you'll have to decide whether you want her standing up next to you intoxicated, seated in front of you as a guest, or whether security needs to escort her out entirely.

Also food for thought: You say she's been dating your cousin for 7 years. Assuming they remain together, how would cutting her out of your life affect future family events/relationship with your cousin/etc?

charlotte989875 · November 2016

You need to take a step back here; she got drunk, acted obnoxious, and you're ready to end the friendship? This seems pretty dramatic.

If her behavior upset you, put on your big girl panties are start using your words; which is what you should have done at the bridal store. You didn't need vague statements, your Mom, or the salesgirl (seriosuly you asked a stranger to talk to one of your best friends?! What is that?); you should have pulled her aside, called a cab, and shut it down directly.

She probably doesn't know there is anything wrong; you picked a dress, how is she supposed to know any different?

redwoodoriginal · November 2016

Did you tell her you were upset with how she acted? If she was that drunk then she probably had no idea you were upset.

Its your own fault for picking her, knowing who she is and how she acts. You could have had co-MOHs with your sisters, or asked your OOT BFF, since the requirements of a MOH is to buy a dress within her budget and show up the day of in time for pictures and the ceremony. THATS IT.

why dont you try try talking to her and realize dress shopping isn't a magical experience and that your friendship is worth more than one party.

housetyrell · November 2016

I did tell her I was upset with her behavior, that very day- following the bridal fitting. She responded by telling my bridesmaid from out of town that SHE shouldn't have come *my OOT bridesmaid had done nothing wrong, I have no idea why my MOH had this response, other than possible jealousy? It definitely didn't help my being upset with her though. I honestly didn't ask much of my MOH other than to not be drunk which she failed to do.. I get that the BM's job is just to stand in a dress but, c'mon- not being shitfaced in front of my family should be sort of a given.
I feel like everyone is assuming I'm some sort of insane bridezilla, but we literally had to pull over on the side of the road coming back from the fitting so she could puke and my MIL asked if my MOH was an alcoholic.
I've entertained the idea of asking her if she would not drink on the wedding day until the reception- or perhaps not at all, which I don't love either- I want people to enjoy themselves, especially my bridal party- I just don't need to deal with a shit show.

STARMOON44 · November 2016

Knottie1459112985 said:

I did tell her I was upset with her behavior, that very day- following the bridal fitting. She responded by telling my bridesmaid from out of town that SHE shouldn't have come *my OOT bridesmaid had done nothing wrong, I have no idea why my MOH had this response, other than possible jealousy? It definitely didn't help my being upset with her though. I honestly didn't ask much of my MOH other than to not be drunk which she failed to do.. I get that the BM's job is just to stand in a dress but, c'mon- not being shitfaced in front of my family should be sort of a given.
I feel like everyone is assuming I'm some sort of insane bridezilla, but we literally had to pull over on the side of the road coming back from the fitting so she could puke and my MIL asked if my MOH was an alcoholic.
I've entertained the idea of asking her if she would not drink on the wedding day until the reception- or perhaps not at all, which I don't love either- I want people to enjoy themselves, especially my bridal party- I just don't need to deal with a shit show.

Obviously this will never work. If she is drunk and it is a problem, you tell her to leave. It isn't that complicated.

ETA: I'm sorry, this sounds meaner than I intended. I just really do think that you need to work on advocating for yourself in the moment, because talks ahead of time just aren't going to work.

MesmrEwe · November 2016

Maybe it's because I just finished reading the story my trainer/coach posted today about his work with addicts and the recovery program he's running, but it's time to confront the elephant in the room. You have a few choices here, first - a "Dry wedding" - Clearly the problem is the alcohol - eliminate it from the equation. That not likely being realistic, you've got some choices to make because her drinking is a problem to you. You're coming onto the boards to post "what do I do?" a strong step in determining "There's a problem here!". Sometimes loving someone means you have to do what's healthy FOR YOU. You love your friend enough such that you asked her to be your MOH, however, if the wedding had nothing to do with it and you were out at a quiet fancy restaurant would you find that behavior acceptable? Or if you were at someone else's wedding reception?

Sometimes friendships run their courses. Weddings, funerals, and babies bring out the best and worst in people. It's not that either one existed or didn't exist, it's just that those behaviors are brought out in people. Only you can decide what is the right thing to do here. Is it time to say "Our friendship has run its course, I love her as a person and would never wish ill will to her, but I cannot accept her behavior when she's drunk and I'm afraid she's going to make a scene as bad or worse at our wedding, thus forever ending the friendship (removing someone from your WP for a situation like this IS a friendship ending move). OR, you accept her as she is, faults and all, and change your expectations towards all things wedding. Invite her to events, let her know what the BM dress is (taking her budget into account), and if she shows up the day of the wedding in the designated attire, assume she'll be in the wedding, if she doesn't show up, she made the choice herself.

Next, it's time to have the conversation with your FI about alcohol surrounding future wedding related events since the FB's are likely getting equally sloshed. We had the priest flat out say "No alcohol on anyone's breath or they won't be participating" (mind you, we had a Canon Judge receiving our vows). You know she cannot handle herself and when she's drunk IS NOT the time to confront her! But you need to decide "We're not going to provide alcohol before the wedding" or "We're going to remain sober until after the ceremony and ask our WP to do the same!" Make a decision and stick to it!

CMGragain · November 2016

Knottie1459112985 said:

Let me start by saying that I had some doubts about even making my MOH my MOH but she is (was?) one of my best friends, I didn't want to choose between my two sisters as I love them both equally and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and my other "best friend" lives 12 hours away and I didn't want the job of being MOH a burden for her. So my current MOH, was the obvious choice- except that when I told her I was engaged she was.. not all that excited to say the least, in fact- she was more pissed than anything because her boyfriend of 7 years (who happens to be my cousin, making this situation all the more awkward) hasn't proposed to her yet. She literally told me if she doesn't have a ring on her finger by the time I get married she was going to "freak out". I took that with a grain of salt and fast forward to the weekend of Oct 22nd which was my fiancé and I's engagement party.
I actually was slightly worried about her over the rest of my wedding party, incl my fiancé's frat brother groomsmen just because in the past, she tends to get very drunk in any emotional situation and because this was the first time a lot of my family was meeting my fiancé's family I really needed her to be on her best behavior, pleasantly, she was perfect and charming and everyone loved her- that is, until the next day...
Since I had all my bridesmaids and mother and MIL in town for the engagement party, I scheduled an appointment for dress shopping the day after the party- this is where things got really messy. While my other bridesmaids were helping me get do my hair/get ready/ mentally preparing me, my MOH was busy downstairs with the groomsmen doing shots. By the time we reached the bridal salon she was completely shloshed, my MOH was literally dropping F bombs up in the small bridal botique like it was WW3. Every time I came out of the dressing room my MOH would literally scream her opinion of my dress before I even made it to the mirror. The entire time I was on the verge of tears, literally having a panic attack every time I stepped out of the dressing room- she let no one, incl my mother have a word in edge wise. I was completely rendered unable in forming my own opinion because, again every time I pulled the curtain away she would scream something like "NO! YOU HATE STRAPS!" or "ISNT THAT A LITTLE TOO CONSERVATIVE?" "THAT TOTALLY ISN'T YOUR STYLE!" It got to the point where I asked everyone to kindly keep their opinions to themselves until I was ready, which she ignored, then I had my mom tell her, which she also ignored, and finally I had the poor girl dressing me ask- which my MOH also ignored. I was overwhelmed and confused and picked a dress because I felt pressured by her to and then stayed up all night sobbing about it because i knew it wasn't my dress.
Fortunately, I called my mom and dad the next day and we immediately went back to the dress shop and they allowed me to have a "do over" and I was able to make my own opinions in a peaceful setting rather than being screamed at for 2 hours by a blacked out drunk girl. Thankfully, I did find my dream dress that day.
So now it's Thursday the 3rd of November, eleven whole days after the incident and she still hasn't so much as texted me an apology. I'm honestly not sure what to do anymore- If she can't handle keeping her cool for my dress shopping I don't know how she's going to handle the actual wedding day. I know I need to have a conversation with her, but at this point- part of me is thinking of removing her as my MOH. It breaks my heart but that weekend was not the first time she ruined an important event for me by getting way too drunk- but this was really the straw that broke the camel's back and frankly, since she has yet to even attempt to contact me, maybe she doesn't even care to have me as a friend.
So **Any Advice?**

You have made several mistakes.

1. You chose someone to be your MOH whom you KNEW had a problem with alcohol.

2. You brought an entourage to your dress appointment. Why? You should have gone with your parents in the first place. Bringing an entourage is a recipe for stress.

3. You think the MOH is a "job", not an honor. All your MOH needs to do is to show up in "the dress", sober, walk up the aisle, hold your bouquet while you are saying your vows, and smile for the photos. That is ALL. And YOU chose a lady with an alcohol problem?

4. The groomsmen were doing shots in the middle of the day? Why did you allow this? Where was your FI?

5. If you have described her behavior accurately, she may not even remember the dress fitting session. She might be embarrassed by her behavior and ashamed to call you. You claim she is your friend? Call HER, and ask if she is OK. Ask if there is anything you can do to help.

Knottie1459112985 said:

I probably should have added this- I did have a conversation with her prior to the weekend, letting her know that this was *not* going to be a "rage" weekend, that my mom/MIL were going to be there etc. She assured me that she understood. I mean, she's been a close friend for many years, I suppose I really should have listened to my gut before I asked her to be MOH but I figured that in an event as special as my wedding she would get her shit together for me.

6. You expected an alcoholic to be "cured" because it is your wedding? Ridiculous!

housetyrell · November 2016

@CMGragain I tend to not get in confrontations via the internet because it is rarely advantageous but I do feel the need to defend myself in several ways regarding your response as I feel it was a little harsh...

1. Yes, I chose a MOH whom I've known to have difficulties w/ alcohol, but I also know her to be a good person- and I've been to her own family events and she doesn't get drunk- I figured she would be happy and honored to be my MOH, as I would, if I was in her position- I thought she cared enough about me not to wild on a weekend that was important to me.

2. I brought an entourage to the dress fitting, yes, possibly ill advised- but I'm 24 years old- this is my first time getting married, my sister had an entourage at hers and it went perfectly, I didn't expect mine to be different, I didn't know any better. Sorry I'm human and wanted everyone who wanted to be involved, and who I care deeply about, to be there.

3. I certainly do not think being a BM is a job... Yes, I want the people standing with me to be supportive of me and conduct themselves appropriately but those are things that should go without saying. Regarding the alcohol, see #1. She is successful at work and in environments around her own family-I love her dearly, like a sister- and it honestly breaks my heart that she acted in this way.

4. The guys were doing their own thing. Honestly, they had nothing to do the day of my dress fitting- none of them got too drunk to where they disrespected anyone. I don't mind drinking, the rest of my girls had a few mimosa's with me that morning prior to the fitting, but her doing shots was a little wild for a day we had something pretty important to do.

5. This I cannot defend myself over. I wish I could be mature enough to call her, honestly... I love her and I miss her so much, I just don't know what to say. We usually text or call or facetime every day that we aren't physically hanging out, but I'm so hurt and I keep going through my head what would be an eloquent and non-confrontational and non-hurtful way to tell her that I am so hurt and disappointed. Honestly, I'm terrified that I'll say the wrong thing and offend or hurt her, which would destroy me. I want things back to where they were but I know that right now, I am incapable. I love her but I think I'm just starting to fully accept that she probably has a drinking problem and I don't think I should/want to be the one to have that conversation with her. That is why I'm on this message board, because I don't know how to have this conversation, that and honestly, because I don't know where else to go to vent.

CMGragain · November 2016

You might want to investigate Al-anon. You are dealing with an alcoholic. Alcoholism is not something that can be controlled by the person who has it. Expecting an alcoholic to control their alcohol intake is like expecting a paralyzed man to walk.
I am very blunt when I post. I do not pull punches. You selected an alcoholic as your MOH and you expected her to change because it is your wedding. Now you are hurt and defensive. You do need to take on some of the blame for what happened.
I understand why you are upset at your friend, but take this as a learning experience. Do not expect a miracle cure for your friend. Have someone keep an eye on her at your reception and remove her if she is out of control.
It would be supportive of you to talk to your friend about Alcoholics Anonymous. They have helped many people.

charlotte989875 · November 2016

Not everyone who drinks, and not everyone who gets drunk is an alcoholic. Sometimes posters on these boards are so quick to jump to the conclusion that when someone gets drunk they must be an addict, that isn't always the case. Yes she might be an alcoholic, or she might still be figuring appropriate amounts/times to drink. You all are young right, early 20s? She might still be figuring out her limits. Not defending her behavior but getting drunk doesn't mean someone is an alcoholic.

Knottie1459112985 said:

@CMGragain I tend to not get in confrontations via the internet because it is rarely advantageous but I do feel the need to defend myself in several ways regarding your response as I feel it was a little harsh...

1. Yes, I chose a MOH whom I've known to have difficulties w/ alcohol, but I also know her to be a good person- and I've been to her own family events and she doesn't get drunk- I figured she would be happy and honored to be my MOH, as I would, if I was in her position- I thought she cared enough about me not to wild on a weekend that was important to me.

2. I brought an entourage to the dress fitting, yes, possibly ill advised- but I'm 24 years old- this is my first time getting married, my sister had an entourage at hers and it went perfectly, I didn't expect mine to be different, I didn't know any better. Sorry I'm human and wanted everyone who wanted to be involved, and who I care deeply about, to be there.

3. I certainly do not think being a BM is a job... Yes, I want the people standing with me to be supportive of me and conduct themselves appropriately but those are things that should go without saying. Regarding the alcohol, see #1. She is successful at work and in environments around her own family-I love her dearly, like a sister- and it honestly breaks my heart that she acted in this way.

4. The guys were doing their own thing. Honestly, they had nothing to do the day of my dress fitting- none of them got too drunk to where they disrespected anyone. I don't mind drinking, the rest of my girls had a few mimosa's with me that morning prior to the fitting, but her doing shots was a little wild for a day we had something pretty important to do.

5. This I cannot defend myself over. I wish I could be mature enough to call her, honestly... I love her and I miss her so much, I just don't know what to say. We usually text or call or facetime every day that we aren't physically hanging out, but I'm so hurt and I keep going through my head what would be an eloquent and non-confrontational and non-hurtful way to tell her that I am so hurt and disappointed. Honestly, I'm terrified that I'll say the wrong thing and offend or hurt her, which would destroy me. I want things back to where they were but I know that right now, I am incapable. I love her but I think I'm just starting to fully accept that she probably has a drinking problem and I don't think I should/want to be the one to have that conversation with her. That is why I'm on this message board, because I don't know how to have this conversation, that and honestly, because I don't know where else to go to vent.

Yes, it's hard to confront someone you care about, but that's part of growing up. Maturity doesn't just happen because you get older, it happens because you navigate experiences, even uncomfortable ones, and deal with them head on. As for what to say try, "Friend I love you and I'm glad you're in my life. When we went dress shopping I was hurt because you said X,Y, and Z (use specifics) and it made me feel A,B, and C (again specifics)".

Finally, all the bolded still makes me think that you think all the things should be about you. Yes, finding a dress is important to you, but it doesn't need to be super important to her (or anyone else). I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but just because you're getting married doesn't mean everything needs to be about you all the time. if she hadnt gotten drunk would you have cared that she was taking shots with the men?

Finally, @CMGragain, why is it the OPs job to tell other adults they shouldn't be drinking? That's not other. It's not on her to "allow" grown men to drink, or not. Why should it be?

downtondiva · November 2016

It certainly makes sense that you'd find your friend's behavior at the bridal shop to be upsetting and embarrassing. However, you knew she could be like this before you asked her to be your MOH, you say she'd ruined important events for you before, and you asked anyway. The truth is that weddings don't change people; if anything, they tend to bring out the worst in people and accentuate their flaws.

You created this situation, and now you have to deal with it like an adult. Kicking her out of your wedding party will not fix anything, so don't do it. At the wedding itself, if you want to keep her drinking in check before the reception, don't have alcohol available when you're getting ready (if she's getting ready with you) and don't have it available at your venue until the reception begins. Once the reception starts, I really don't think you can do much of anything except ask her to leave if she gets too out of control. But knowing that she can be like this, and having chosen to make her your MOH anyway, now you have to choose not to let her bad behavior ruin anything else for you. Your wedding will never be as special to anyone else as it is to you, and it's up to you to keep it special for yourself by not letting other people's actions get to you so much.

climbingsingle · November 2016

Ok, I have a lot of thoughts.

Why did you need your friends to help you "mentally prepare" to try on dresses?

Going dress shopping with so many people, you should have expected a lot of opinions coming at you in rapid fire. If you can't handle that, you should have gone with a smaller group. I really think you're playing up the dramatics here. You were crying and couldn't form an opinion and just picked a dress anyway?? Like a PP said, why not just put her in a cab and send her on her way?

Sure, she shouldn't have gotten black out drunk for dress shopping. But, when you saw her doing shots with the groomsmen, maybe you should have asked her to stay home. Also don't understand how it wasn't a raging weekend, yet people were taking shots in the middle of the day.

If you know this girl likes to drink and party, why do you think her behavior would be any different? Your wedding doesn't magically turn people into a different version of themselves that you approve of.

You can't tell her to not drink at your wedding. That's so rude!

Kicking her out will be a friendship ending move.

Also, stop with the labeling of this girl as an alcoholic. OP, if you truly think she has a problem, TALK TO HER. Be a friend. So many women come on here bitching about their friends and these situations, and 99 times out of 100, these issues could be solved with an adult conversation.

kimmiinthemitten · November 2016

So now it's Thursday the 3rd of November, eleven whole days after the incident and she still hasn't so much as texted me an apology. I'm honestly not sure what to do anymore- If she can't handle keeping her cool for my dress shopping I don't know how she's going to handle the actual wedding day. I know I need to have a conversation with her, but at this point- part of me is thinking of removing her as my MOH. It breaks my heart but that weekend was not the first time she ruined an important event for me by getting way too drunk- but this was really the straw that broke the camel's back and frankly, since she has yet to even attempt to contact me, maybe she doesn't even care to have me as a friend.

Take the wedding out of this. You were at a restaurant and she was drunk and everything you considered ordering, she cut down - eew you eat mushrooms? That cream sauce will make you fat!

What would you have done by now? I hope the answer is reach out to her and say - hey is everything okay? You got pretty blitzed pretty early and were acting really aggressively.

If your normal go-to is to avoid it at all costs, you may want to reconsider what you want and expect out of a friendship. Sure my best friend is someone I got really sloppy with on Saturday, but she's also the one who sets me straight when I'm in the wrong, and checks me when I'm being unrealistic. And in return, I do the same. Do you want your friendships to be comprised of yes men, or meaningful relationships that help you grow as a person?

If you can't deal with this at 24, I worry about how you will handle confrontation your entire life, because there's a lot more coming for you and it ain't about a dress.

banana468 · November 2016

CMGragain said:

You might want to investigate Al-anon. You are dealing with an alcoholic. Alcoholism is not something that can be controlled by the person who has it. Expecting an alcoholic to control their alcohol intake is like expecting a paralyzed man to walk.
I am very blunt when I post. I do not pull punches. You selected an alcoholic as your MOH and you expected her to change because it is your wedding. Now you are hurt and defensive. You do need to take on some of the blame for what happened.
I understand why you are upset at your friend, but take this as a learning experience. Do not expect a miracle cure for your friend. Have someone keep an eye on her at your reception and remove her if she is out of control.
It would be supportive of you to talk to your friend about Alcoholics Anonymous. They have helped many people.

You don't know this. It's possible that she's a problem drinker which doesn't make her an alcoholic. It doesn't make the actions acceptable but I don't think it's for you to diagnose. Many younger people can become alcoholics if they were problem drinkers and many people just don't know limits.

Furthermore, this is an unacceptable statement:

4. The groomsmen were doing shots in the middle of the day? Why did you allow this? Where was your FI?

No. The men don't stop the women from drinking and it's not up to the bride to stop it either. Do not blame the OP for the actions of others. No. No. No.

housetyrell · November 2016

charlotte989875

Thank you so much for this response, this is probably the most constructive i've received... I think I will try to start with the conversation that you suggested.

downtondiva

I appreciate this too. I totally get that sometimes I need to check myself, I know I made her my MOH. I also know that in reality, I'm not ready to disband our friendship completely. I will have a conversation with her and find out if she truly wants to be part of this going forward and if she does, and wants to be part of the wedding planning process I'll make sure the situations I invite her to will be dry. I think it's a great idea to keep liquor out of the question until the wedding the day of.

climbingwife

Yes, it was a slightly emotional morning for me, by helping me 'mentally prepare' I mean talking, laughing with me prior to the dress fitting- I have severe anxiety so I was nervous, they saw that- I didn't ask anything of them, it was just simply cracking jokes and having girl time.

The second thought, I did address- this is my first wedding, again, possibly ill advised- I know that now but I didn't know or think people really did it any other way, the only other dress shopping I've done was my older sisters, she had 10 people at hers and it was wonderful. How was I to know my experience was going to be so vastly different? Frankly, the rest of the people that were there were perfect- it was only my MOH that made a mess of it. The thing is, she told me she wanted to be there, that it was the most exciting part of the wedding planning to her, that's what really gets me.

I didn't know what they were doing when I was getting ready, I figured she was just hanging out downstairs with the guys. I am not, nor particularly want to be her babysitter. I found out after the fact, when I came back from shopping and asked the guys what the hell happened to her. There was no way she was getting a cab, we were staying in a fairly rural area in Wisconsin.

Why did I think her behavior would change for my own wedding? I don't know, again, she seems to handle herself gracefully in situations that she feels are important for herself, because she was so eager to be my MOH (we had discussed previously whomever was to get engaged we'd be eachothers MOH's) that this would be one of those situations.

Again, I don't want to tell her not to drink at my wedding- we have an open bar set up, I want everyone to have a wonderful time but I also don't want her showing her ass so to speak. I think keeping alcohol out of the situation while we get ready/pre- reception might be my best bet.

Your final thought, yes- I am going to have an adult conversation- I just tend to be incredibly passive and non-confrontational. I really came here to get some good ideas as to conversation starters. I'm not great at those, I just wanted some helpful ideas that wouldn't come across as harsh but also not too passive to where she wouldn't dismiss it.

kimmiinthemitten · November 2016

Knottie1459112985 said:

charlotte989875

Thank you so much for this response, this is probably the most constructive i've received... I think I will try to start with the conversation that you suggested.

downtondiva

I appreciate this too. I totally get that sometimes I need to check myself, I know I made her my MOH. I also know that in reality, I'm not ready to disband our friendship completely. I will have a conversation with her and find out if she truly wants to be part of this going forward and if she does, and wants to be part of the wedding planning process I'll make sure the situations I invite her to will be dry. I think it's a great idea to keep liquor out of the question until the wedding the day of.

climbingwife

Yes, it was a slightly emotional morning for me, by helping me 'mentally prepare' I mean talking, laughing with me prior to the dress fitting- I have severe anxiety so I was nervous, they saw that- I didn't ask anything of them, it was just simply cracking jokes and having girl time.

The second thought, I did address- this is my first wedding, again, possibly ill advised- I know that now but I didn't know or think people really did it any other way, the only other dress shopping I've done was my older sisters, she had 10 people at hers and it was wonderful. How was I to know my experience was going to be so vastly different? Frankly, the rest of the people that were there were perfect- it was only my MOH that made a mess of it. The thing is, she told me she wanted to be there, that it was the most exciting part of the wedding planning to her, that's what really gets me.

I didn't know what they were doing when I was getting ready, I figured she was just hanging out downstairs with the guys. I am not, nor particularly want to be her babysitter. I found out after the fact, when I came back from shopping and asked the guys what the hell happened to her. There was no way she was getting a cab, we were staying in a fairly rural area in Wisconsin.

Why did I think her behavior would change for my own wedding? I don't know, again, she seems to handle herself gracefully in situations that she feels are important for herself, because she was so eager to be my MOH (we had discussed previously whomever was to get engaged we'd be eachothers MOH's) that this would be one of those situations.

Again, I don't want to tell her not to drink at my wedding- we have an open bar set up, I want everyone to have a wonderful time but I also don't want her showing her ass so to speak. I think keeping alcohol out of the situation while we get ready/pre- reception might be my best bet.

Your final thought, yes- I am going to have an adult conversation- I just tend to be incredibly passive and non-confrontational. I really came here to get some good ideas as to conversation starters. I'm not great at those, I just wanted some helpful ideas that wouldn't come across as harsh but also not too passive to where she wouldn't dismiss it.

Keep the conversation about your friendship and leave the wedding out of it. Saying, "hey friend, are you sure you want to be in the wedding" is basically the same thing as saying "hey friend, I no longer want you in my wedding." Tell her you thought her drinking and behavior on the shopping trip seemed excessive and that she was aggressive. Ask what's going on in her life. Maybe she's just really jealous and watching you in this process is just salt in the unengaged wound and talking about it can help her navigate her own emotions in the process.

Second, you cannot control other peoples behavior, nor should you adjust what to do to control others. Eliminating her from drinking activities is passive aggressive as fuck and will come back to haunt you. If she gets drunk and acts like an ass, that is a reflection on her and no one else.

Sometimes the thing you do to protect people do the opposite.

SP29 · November 2016

Remember that conflict is not inherently a bad thing. Progress and resolution come from conflict. Being direct is also not inherently agressive.

I agree you need to address this directly with your friend. Take your wedding out of it- focus on the friendship. I agree to think about this not in the frame of wedding dress shopping, but how would you react if you were going out for dinner instead? Talk to her directly. Use your "I" statements. Be factual.

"Friend, I haven't heard from you in a few weeks and I want to make sure everything is OK with you. Is there anything going on you'd like to talk about?... I want to talk about when we went shopping 2 weeks ago; I was quite upset. You were very drunk, loud and disorderly in the shop. You spoke above everyone else and you were yelling out your thoughts about the dresses I was trying on before I had a chance to form my own opinion. My family and the store employee gently tried to persuade you to change your behaviour- and you did not. I felt upset, nervous, angry and embarrassed. The kind of behaviour you exhibited is not behaviour I want to associate with."

Proceed from there.... maybe she apologizes and says it won't happen again. Maybe there is something going on with her- focus on that. Maybe she says "too bad, I was having fun!" and then you decide if you continue with the friendship.

Definitely do not make this about your wedding and asking her to step down as your MOH. If you decide to end the friendship, that is one thing, and your decision, but focus on the friendship, not your wedding.

ei34 · November 2016

climbingwife said:

Ok, I have a lot of thoughts.

Why did you need your friends to help you "mentally prepare" to try on dresses?

Going dress shopping with so many people, you should have expected a lot of opinions coming at you in rapid fire. If you can't handle that, you should have gone with a smaller group. I really think you're playing up the dramatics here. You were crying and couldn't form an opinion and just picked a dress anyway?? Like a PP said, why not just put her in a cab and send her on her way?

Sure, she shouldn't have gotten black out drunk for dress shopping. But, when you saw her doing shots with the groomsmen, maybe you should have asked her to stay home. Also don't understand how it wasn't a raging weekend, yet people were taking shots in the middle of the day.

If you know this girl likes to drink and party, why do you think her behavior would be any different? Your wedding doesn't magically turn people into a different version of themselves that you approve of.

You can't tell her to not drink at your wedding. That's so rude!

Kicking her out will be a friendship ending move.

Also, stop with the labeling of this girl as an alcoholic. OP, if you truly think she has a problem, TALK TO HER. Be a friend. So many women come on here bitching about their friends and these situations, and 99 times out of 100, these issues could be solved with an adult conversation.

All of this. Especially the last paragraph.
And just wanted to add that from now through your wedding day, your MOH's only responsibility is to arrive at your ceremony on time, wearing the appropriate dress, sober. She doesn't have to plan a shower or bachelorette, go to your fittings, craft, get ready with you on your wedding day, etc. I know you referenced your sister's wedding and you've said that this is your first wedding and that you're 24...I guess these things raise some people's expectations?

eta grammar

PrettyGirlLost · November 2016

Knottie1459112985 said:

I probably should have added this- I did have a conversation with her prior to the weekend, letting her know that this was *not* going to be a "rage" weekend, that my mom/MIL were going to be there etc. She assured me that she understood. I mean, she's been a close friend for many years, I suppose I really should have listened to my gut before I asked her to be MOH but I figured that in an event as special as my wedding she would get her shit together for me.

I assume you guys are all young based on a few things, so I'm going to give you a key piece of advice that you need to carry forward as your mantra into adulthood:

People won't change for you. People only change if they really, really, want to change for themselves.

So start readjusting your expectations- your MOH is going to act like herself, no matter if you are getting married. If your MOH parties hard (doing shots for day drinking) and uses alcohol to get her through "emotional" situations, this is not going to change just because you are getting married. Chances are it's going to be amplified.

Sounds like there are more pressing issues at play here than your wedding. . .

MOH Nightmare- What do I do?

Re: MOH Nightmare- What do I do?

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