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DrillSergeantCat · November 2016

When H and I were dating and living separately, he showered daily. When he moved in a year ago, the daily showers stopped. Since the baby was born they slowed down even more. Fortunately, and miraculously, he doesn't smell. However, he works in a warehouse and often comes home visually dirty. It's now Thursday and he hasn't showered since Saturday. It has affected our sex life because I want him to be clean. I know I need to have a conversation with him, but I don't know how to start it. Or am I being unreasonable?

MissKittyDanger · November 2016

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Hygiene is important.
I've very blunt with my H and he knows he's a sweaty dude, so if he's reeky more than usual I'd be like "Dude, you smell!" but I'm guessing you can't do that ....

Depending on how he reacts to things, my only thought is to tell him but nicely. Like a 'tread carefully' type of telling him

CharmedPam · November 2016

OK, so I'm kinda dealing with this too. He can go 2 or sometimes 3 days without showers due to work and just laziness. I don't know how to bring it up to him other than I'll say "if you want to get some action tonight, I'd suggest jumping into the shower. And if you take 30 minutes, I'll probably be sleeping by the time you come back". This usually works. When he does takes showers, I'm usually in bed and just crash waiting for his damn 30 minute shower to end.

lyndausvi · November 2016

Since Saturday? Today is Thursday. You are not being unreasonable here.

I think you need to just jump in full force and ask why he has stopped showering lately.

I admit I don't take a shower everyday. If I'm going to work outside of the house, if I've exercised or going out with people I do. But if I'm just sitting at home, not seeing anyone then I don't. One day is the most I will skip though.

DH is the same way. He will skip a shower if he isn't going to work. However, there have been a few times where he wanted to skip a day and I'm like... yeah, no. You need to take a shower. Sometimes you just need to be blunt.

missJeanLouise · November 2016

Start initiating sex after he showers. Positive re-enforcement. If he doesn't get the hint after a bit, then I would talk to him.

Eta. I am the gross one. I tend to have dry skin so unless I am actually dirty/smelly/sweaty, I can go a really long time between showers. It really bothered my ex since he worked in a hospital and our standards of filthy were just different. He started initiating sex after showers, I started showering more, even when I wasn't dirty, lol.

thefanciestbeckler · November 2016

NO you are not being unreasonable. At all. This is an awkward subject to bring up though, so I definitely see your dilemma. I think the most important thing is to make sure he knows that this is coming from a place of love, not criticism. Could you suggest showering together to make it more fun?

DrillSergeantCat · November 2016

@lyndausvi I think a big part of it is that when he gets home, if the baby is still up he knows he won't be for long and he wants that time with him. Then after the baby is asleep, he's engrossed in TV. There have been times on the nights the baby is asleep by the time he gets home, I've told him "Dinner is gonna be ready in 15 minutes, why don't you grab a shower so you can relax after." I don't shower every day either, but it's more days than not.

@CharmedPam that would work, but I'm afraid it would hurt his feelings.

@missJeanLouise I do, but he hasn't picked up on it yet.

@thefanciestbeckler That's an idea. "Hey I'm gonna hop in the shower...you should join me.

"

CharmedPam · November 2016

yeah, I get it. I mean, I don't want to get intimate even when I'm over 24 hours of not showering, so I don't think my DH gets his feelings hurt when I suggest showers for him. It's been 6 days which is not unreasonable. I don't know if there's a way to resolve it up BUT say in a nice way that more showers are needed? Hopefully the "do you want to join me?" thing works!

SaintPaulGal · November 2016

I'm an every-other-day shower person. Unless I have done something particularly physical/messy--then I will shower right away to clean myself up.

How often do you shower, @DrillSergeantCat? If it isn't every day, maybe you could go to your H and say "I feel like since the baby came we have been missing a lot of showers. Let's make a plan that ensures we both have time for showers every day/every other day."

I like being direct, but that isn't always the best way when different personalities and different relationships are involved. I use this strategy a lot at work; people tend to feel much less attacked/defensive when you include yourself in the subject and approach it as building a solution together.

*Barbie* · November 2016

holy crap, I thought this was a Prudie.

do you think he's depressed or there's another underlying issue? i can see wanting to play with the baby - but there's no excuse for going that long, especially when you're working a dirty job. i usually shower daily - may skip a day, at most 2 if really sick/not planning to leave the house. i hate going to bed feeling dirty, and since i chopped my hair short, i feel like it looks greasy if i don't wash every day.

i would just be direct - "i've noticed that you haven't been showering regularly, and it's getting pretty gross. Is there anything going on that you're not wanting to shower/feel like you don't have time?"

Agreed with others who suggested showering together as an incentive. ;-)

DrillSergeantCat · November 2016

@SaintPaulGal I shower or bathe 5 days a week. I wash my hair every other day.

@*barbie* I don't think he's depressed; I do think he's tired. He works 11-12 hours a day on average and he insists on getting up for the middle of the night feedings. Plus he feels like he needs to be the one to clean the kitchen when I cook. I've started cleaning as I go as much as possible so that all he has to do is put a couple plates in the dishwasher.

short+sassy · November 2016

*Barbie* said:

holy crap, I thought this was a Prudie.

do you think he's depressed or there's another underlying issue? i can see wanting to play with the baby - but there's no excuse for going that long, especially when you're working a dirty job. i usually shower daily - may skip a day, at most 2 if really sick/not planning to leave the house. i hate going to bed feeling dirty, and since i chopped my hair short, i feel like it looks greasy if i don't wash every day.

i would just be direct - "i've noticed that you haven't been showering regularly, and it's getting pretty gross. Is there anything going on that you're not wanting to shower/feel like you don't have time?"

Agreed with others who suggested showering together as an incentive. ;-)

Me too! It took me a few double takes "wait, wait...oh!, this is from @DrillSergeantCat. It is right? (looking again) Okay, yeah, not a Prudie letter."

I agree with the other PPs. It's a little awkward, but I don't think horribly awkward. To start the convo, more of a reminder like, "Hey, I know you work a lot of hours and things can be hectic with a baby in the house. But showers have gotten too few and far between."

lovesclimbing · November 2016

short+sassy said:

*Barbie* said:

holy crap, I thought this was a Prudie.

do you think he's depressed or there's another underlying issue? i can see wanting to play with the baby - but there's no excuse for going that long, especially when you're working a dirty job. i usually shower daily - may skip a day, at most 2 if really sick/not planning to leave the house. i hate going to bed feeling dirty, and since i chopped my hair short, i feel like it looks greasy if i don't wash every day.

i would just be direct - "i've noticed that you haven't been showering regularly, and it's getting pretty gross. Is there anything going on that you're not wanting to shower/feel like you don't have time?"

Agreed with others who suggested showering together as an incentive. ;-)

Me too! It took me a few double takes "wait, wait...oh!, this is from @DrillSergeantCat. It is right? (looking again) Okay, yeah, not a Prudie letter."
I agree with the other PPs. It's a little awkward, but I don't think horribly awkward. To start the convo, more of a reminder like, "Hey, I know you work a lot of hours and things can be hectic with a baby in the house. But showers have gotten too few and far between."

It confused me too. I'm pretty sure Prudie had a letter almost identical to this a few weeks ago.

kvruns · November 2016

Does he at least wash his hands really well before being around the baby since you said he comes home visibly dirty? that would be my focus point

DrillSergeantCat · November 2016

kvruns said:

Does he at least wash his hands really well before being around the baby since you said he comes home visibly dirty? that would be my focus point

That's the first thing he does when he comes home.

DrillSergeantCat · November 2016

lovesclimbing said:
It confused me too. I'm pretty sure Prudie had a letter almost identical to this a few weeks ago.

The one I remember was an employee who had slipped into depression being told by her boss that she needed to shower more and she wanted to know if she should tell him of her depression. I'm sorry for the confusion.

lovesclimbing · November 2016

DrillSergeantCat said:

lovesclimbing said:
It confused me too. I'm pretty sure Prudie had a letter almost identical to this a few weeks ago.

The one I remember was an employee who had slipped into depression being told by her boss that she needed to shower more and she wanted to know if she should tell him of her depression. I'm sorry for the confusion.

Oh no, that's fine. We all figured it out. I remember that one, but there was a different one too. It was specifically about being turned off from sex. Actually, that one might have been about bad breath.

MesmrEwe · November 2016

So I say this in jest because "Baby" means it's FAR more complicated than anyone CF can imagine... Foreplay in the shower...

Most of all, communicate - "Can I get a towel ready for you?" .. "Do you want me to get the shower running for you so you can hop in when you get upstairs?"... "I'm ready to put a load of (color shirt/pants/underwear/etc. he's wearing) into the washer - can you get that off so I can put it in now before you get in the shower?"... Make him think it's his idea...

DrillSergeantCat · November 2016

So last night, he was exhausted from a 12+ hour work day and I was exhausted from work, baby, and cleaning the house so we decided to order in Chinese. When he got home, Mouse was already asleep and in bed and he started talking about chores he was about to do. I told him, "No. That can wait. You go take a shower and relax." Unfortunately, I overdid it and popped my pelvis out of joint again so nookie was a no-go.

6fsn · November 2016

At the risk of sounding like an asshole you shouldn't have to use sex or other tricks to get a grown up to shower. Barring a medical issue there's no reason he can't find time. My husband regularly works 10-12 hrs and still gets at least one a day. What about mornings? A locker room at work?

"I love you. You are an adult. I cannot be responsible to remind you to take care of basic hygiene. When you don't shower I don't feel attracted to you. I worry about what you might be bringing home from work too. I can help figure out a schedule to make it happen but I can't force you to do it."

ei34 · November 2016

My H showers twice a day, and originally found it weird (probably gross) that on days I don't work out, I only shower once. Everyone has their own standard, but you're correct to think not showering since Saturday is stretching it (a lot). I liked the positive reinforce idea, but a direct "it's been a while since you showered" works too.

InLoveInQueens · November 2016

My husband showers at least every other day, at my insistence. I am not shy about him needing to shower, I don't play games. I say "babe, you stink, go shower". I also won't ess a dirty d and will say "you need to shower before we get down to business". Sometimes we shower together and make it fun, but most of the time it's just not worth the effort on my part. It's basic hygiene, he's a grown-ass man and can shower without needing to be babied. I don't think it's awkward, I'm his wife, if anyone can say "go shower" it's me.

He works a desk job and doesn't get sweaty and is only stinky if it's exceptionally hot out (and for the most part I love his natural scent, it's a bit gross on my end) but still, I will force the issue if I have to because it needs to happen.

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