I'm feeling a little heartbroken about my wedding and so I find myself here, seeking the comfort of strangers who may have gone through something similar or who can offer helpful guidance for moving on.
Let me start by saying I now have a happy marriage and I do have a good man!! Also, I should be grateful- our guests all seemed to have a fabulous time and broken up family was brought together with little to no drama (a major and unexpected win) but if I could go back I would change the venue, the dress, and more, and I look back on that day and feel mostly pain.
Here are the most important pieces of background context-
1) I've grown in and out of friendships over the last few years, and while sitting at the dining room table getting ready with my bridesmaids the morning of, all I could think was, "none of these women know me." I felt so ALONE and like a loser who had no true friends, as my bridesmaids were: my sister who was there reluctantly, my soon to be sister-in-law who cares only for herself and her image, my cousin who I love but who I rarely speak to, and a newer friend who is a a sweetheart but just not... who I expected would be with me on the big day.
2) The newer friend I mentioned? My hubby and I went to her wedding a year before and when her husband got so drunk he threw up outside of their reception hall and passed out, I turned to my love and made him promise me he WOULD NOT DO THAT TO ME on our wedding day, and he did promise.
3) The thunder of the wedding was completely stolen by my husband's reunion with his army brothers. I understand that something like that might never happen again in their lifetimes, with them being in the same place at once like that, but their presence made my husband feel... uncomfortable being the newer, softer version of himself around me. During the wedding we were awkward with each other, uncomfortable in our own skins. The first look was anti-climactic- he barely reacted. We didn't know what to say to each other, and during the first dance he made me spin and dip HIM, because it became the [husband's name] show, and not a romantic wedding moment for me. He and his army brothers danced together, sang together, and drank heavily together, toasting the brothers they lost overseas until he was puking outside of our reception hall. His sister drove us back to the hotel while I cried in the back of the car with him passed out on my shoulder, and she never asked me what was the matter- again, leaving me feeling alone. His sister and mother feel, to this day, that "it wasn't a big deal" and that I just "don't understand, and would if I had a son or a brother." He almost peed in the hallway at the hotel, and puked the second we got to our room before passing out, leaving me to lie awake the entire night fighting tears, boredom, anger, and feeling let down, and grieving something I knew I would never get back.
Now I can't look at other weddings or think about weddings in general without feeling jealousy, bitterness, anger, as well as heartbreak, resentment, and regret about my own. I don't want to celebrate our wedding day as our anniversary. It's been two months and the pain feels more fresh than it should. I thought I might be over it by now, but I'm not. We already talked about it, I already let him know how I felt which he did NOT understand at first, being mad at ME for making him feel like a bad guy about celebrating with his buddies and toasting his lost friends... It's complicated. And I don't think it's worth rehashing with him because he can't do anything to change it and he's a good man- that was a-typical behavior. What do I do to move forward and just let that go?