Wedding Woes

Heartbroken about my wedding. Seeking guidance to let it go

edited November 2016 in Wedding Woes
Hi knotties,

I'm feeling a little heartbroken about my wedding and so I find myself here, seeking the comfort of strangers who may have gone through something similar or who can offer helpful guidance for moving on.

Let me start by saying I now have a happy marriage and I do have a good man!! Also, I should be grateful- our guests all seemed to have a fabulous time and broken up family was brought together with little to no drama (a major and unexpected win) but if I could go back I would change the venue, the dress, and more, and I look back on that day and feel mostly pain. 

Here are the most important pieces of background context-
1) I've grown in and out of friendships over the last few years, and while sitting at the dining room table getting ready with my bridesmaids the morning of, all I could think was, "none of these women know me." I felt so ALONE and like a loser who had no true friends, as my bridesmaids were: my sister who was there reluctantly, my soon to be sister-in-law who cares only for herself and her image, my cousin who I love but who I rarely speak to, and a newer friend who is a a sweetheart but just not... who I expected would be with me on the big day. 

2) The newer friend I mentioned? My hubby and I went to her wedding a year before and when her husband got so drunk he threw up outside of their reception hall and passed out, I turned to my love and made him promise me he WOULD NOT DO THAT TO ME on our wedding day, and he did promise.

3) The thunder of the wedding was completely stolen by my husband's reunion with his army brothers. I understand that something like that might never happen again in their lifetimes, with them being in the same place at once like that, but their presence made my husband feel... uncomfortable being the newer, softer version of himself around me. During the wedding we were awkward with each other, uncomfortable in our own skins. The first look was anti-climactic- he barely reacted. We didn't know what to say to each other, and during the first dance he made me spin and dip HIM, because it became the [husband's name] show, and not a romantic wedding moment for me. He and his army brothers danced together, sang together, and drank heavily together, toasting the brothers they lost overseas until he was puking outside of our reception hall. His sister drove us back to the hotel while I cried in the back of the car with him passed out on my shoulder, and she never asked me what was the matter- again, leaving me feeling alone. His sister and mother feel, to this day, that "it wasn't a big deal" and that I just "don't understand, and would if I had a son or a brother." He almost peed in the hallway at the hotel, and puked the second we got to our room before passing out, leaving me to lie awake the entire night fighting tears, boredom, anger, and feeling let down, and grieving something I knew I would never get back.

Now I can't look at other weddings or think about weddings in general without feeling jealousy, bitterness, anger, as well as heartbreak, resentment, and regret about my own. I don't want to celebrate our wedding day as our anniversary. It's been two months and the pain feels more fresh than it should. I thought I might be over it by now, but I'm not. We already talked about it, I already let him know how I felt which he did NOT understand at first, being mad at ME for making him feel like a bad guy about celebrating with his buddies and toasting his lost friends... It's complicated. And I don't think it's worth rehashing with him because he can't do anything to change it and he's a good man- that was a-typical behavior. What do I do to move forward and just let that go?

Re: Heartbroken about my wedding. Seeking guidance to let it go

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited November 2016
    Hi knotties,

    I'm feeling a little heartbroken about my wedding and so I find myself here, seeking the comfort of strangers who may have gone through something similar or who can offer helpful guidance for moving on.

    Let me start by saying I now have a happy marriage and I do have a good man!! Also, I should be grateful- our guests all seemed to have a fabulous time and broken up family was brought together with little to no drama (a major and unexpected win) but if I could go back I would change the venue, the dress, and more, and I look back on that day and feel mostly pain. 

    Here are the most important pieces of background context-
    1) I've grown in and out of friendships over the last few years, and while sitting at the dining room table getting ready with my bridesmaids the morning of, all I could think was, "none of these women know me." I felt so ALONE and like a loser who had no true friends, as my bridesmaids were: my sister who was there reluctantly, my soon to be sister-in-law who cares only for herself and her image, my cousin who I love but who I rarely speak to, and a newer friend who is a a sweetheart but just not... who I expected would be with me on the big day. 

    2) The newer friend I mentioned? My hubby and I went to her wedding a year before and when her husband got so drunk he threw up outside of their reception hall and passed out, I turned to my love and made him promise me he WOULD NOT DO THAT TO ME on our wedding day, and he did promise.

    3) The thunder of the wedding was completely stolen by my husband's reunion with his army brothers. I understand that something like that might never happen again in their lifetimes, with them being in the same place at once like that, but their presence made my husband feel... uncomfortable being the newer, softer version of himself around me. During the wedding we were awkward with each other, uncomfortable in our own skins. The first look was anti-climactic- he barely reacted. We didn't know what to say to each other, and during the first dance he made me spin and dip HIM, because it became the [husband's name] show, and not a romantic wedding moment for me. He and his army brothers danced together, sang together, and drank heavily together, toasting the brothers they lost overseas until he was puking outside of our reception hall. His sister drove us back to the hotel while I cried in the back of the car with him passed out on my shoulder, and she never asked me what was the matter- again, leaving me feeling alone. His sister and mother feel, to this day, that "it wasn't a big deal" and that I just "don't understand, and would if I had a son or a brother." He almost peed in the hallway at the hotel, and puked the second we got to our room before passing out, leaving me to lie awake the entire night fighting tears, boredom, anger, and feeling let down, and grieving something I knew I would never get back.

    Now I can't look at other weddings or think about weddings in general without feeling jealousy, bitterness, anger, as well as heartbreak, resentment, and regret about my own. I don't want to celebrate our wedding day as our anniversary. It's been two months and the pain feels more fresh than it should. I thought I might be over it by now, but I'm not. We already talked about it, I already let him know how I felt which he did NOT understand at first, being mad at ME for making him feel like a bad guy about celebrating with his buddies and toasting his lost friends... It's complicated. And I don't think it's worth rehashing with him because he can't do anything to change it and he's a good man- that was a-typical behavior. What do I do to move forward and just let that go?
    The only real issue that I can see in your post is that your husband got drunk at your reception.  I understand why this would bother you, but I think you are over reacting.
    It sounds, to me, that you had unrealistic expectations about your wedding.  Did you think it would be perfect?  No wedding is perfect!  Something always goes wrong.
    There are many, many brides who do not have happy memories of their wedding day, and some of their reasons are a lot more horrifying than yours. 
    You say that you have a happy marriage with the man who spoiled your wedding day memories?  You need to forgive him and move on unless this is a frequent occurrence.
    My own wedding was the most stressful day of my life.  I have been happily married for 40 years, and, except for looking at the pictures to remember how young and thin I was, I don't dwell on it.
    Remember, your marriage started on that day.  This is enough to celebrate an anniversary, or not, as you choose.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • First - he gets to be frustrated/mad that you don't understand the toasting to his lost brothers just as you with some of the things he did.  Remember you married a Vet - (to an extent) part of their duty to "honor the fallen" and live life to the fullest for those who didn't make it back.  That's not to say "get pass-out drunk on your wedding night", but he did that part and should own THAT PART of drinking to excess and not fulfilling certain "wedding night obligations"...  But - let's presume that's not going to happen at this point in your lives.  From reading your post, I get the feeling the wedding didn't match the vision you imagined for the day even though you worked hard to plan a day that everyone could enjoy.

    Unfortunately, you couldn't predict the reunion needed its own special day, and that's o.k.  The challenge now is what do you need to do now for yourself to help yourself see that your wedding was an absolutely beautiful day that brought joy in that everyone was able to put aside the dramas of the past even if only for a few hours at a time, celebrate those unable to join you in celebrating, and envision a future going forward for you that the more you think about the more you can find ways that you did enjoy moments of the day as they happened and when you plan events in the future whether that be the potential birth of a child should you choose to have kids, birthday parties, anniversaries, etc. that you can satisfy his need to honor his brothers lost, but that you can also celebrate with YH and both get to enjoy those special nights together in the future. 

    Yes, it sucks right now to think about the wedding not meeting your expectations, but it was also his wedding and I suspect he enjoyed it to the fullest and the work you did to make that take place.  As Tony Robbins (I know, it's Tony - it just happened to be in my continuing ed), put it "Take the "Me" out of the relationship".  You planned the wedding selflessly so that everyone would have that connected together great time, so no one would feel left out, the problem is, it's the part of being a people pleaser that no one talks about - you forgot to plan in your enjoyment of the day only relying upon you to feel excited for you because you were working to make sure everyone else was taken care of like you wish someone would have acknowledged you.  Chances are no one asked you because they already knew what you were feeling when YH was passed out on your shoulder on the way to the hotel.  What to do now though - emphasize the great moments from the day and put your energy there.  Work with a coach/therapist/trainer to learn better strategies for giving yourself those things you perceive yourself to have missed out on because it wasn't just your wedding day that you've experienced such things.  Build the relationships you need to.  And most of all, plan the future, communicate, and find ways each day to nurture yourself and your relationship with YH - Treat each day as a new day of your lives together!
    kimmiinthemittenDrillSergeantCatshort+sassy
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited November 2016
    Sorry about the double post!
    image
    MesmrEwe
  • ETA - After re-reading #3 again my training light bulb came on -  In rereading I was reminded of a Marine I once worked with - oh Lawd Have Mercy!  Weddings are an extremely charged emotional event (especially for the B&G, then add in a reunion) - he's trained to react to highly charged emotional events in a certain and specific way - he was uncomfortable because he was being asked to go against it with every fiber of his being and it was new for him.  Ever try to do something for the first time you're uncomfortable with - that was your husband on your wedding day.  Then add in the reunion, talk about sensory overload!  

    Work on you though to find some comfort and forgiveness - because this had nothing to do with you in a negative way!  It truly didn't and it was (to an extent) out of YH's control as well!!!


  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm sorry your day didn't go as planned. I can understand why you'd be especially hurt since you talked previously about not drinking too much at the wedding. I think you should look into counseling to help you move past this. Good luck!! 
    InLoveInQueensLadyCatherineDBSP29
  • *Barbie* said:
    Your wedding isn't your problem - it was just a party. 

    Your problem is twofold:
    1) you and your husband do not seem to communicate well
    2) you seem to have unrealistic expectations for everyone around you. 

    you need to see a couples counselor with your husband to work out #1 - he has to be open to this process, as do you, otherwise it probably won't have any benefit. 

    for #2 - you probably need to see a counselor individually. all of these regrets you're mentioning or failure for others to live up to your expectations - there's one common denominator, and that's you. you made choices but are unhappy with the consequences of those choices - you need to learn how to make better choices or how to live with the things you choose (bridal party, dress, venue, etc.) - especially when, in the grand scheme of things, this stuff isn't all that important. 

    I doubt you're really as happy in your marriage as you claim, given that you seem to dislike/resent the people around you, including your friends, family, and husband. 

    This.  

    And all I can think about is "thunder jackers are on the loose.  thunder jackers are on the move."  
    *Barbie*charlotte989875cowgirl8238PrettyGirlLost
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2016
    mrsconn23 said:
    *Barbie* said:
    Your wedding isn't your problem - it was just a party. 

    Your problem is twofold:
    1) you and your husband do not seem to communicate well
    2) you seem to have unrealistic expectations for everyone around you. 

    you need to see a couples counselor with your husband to work out #1 - he has to be open to this process, as do you, otherwise it probably won't have any benefit. 

    for #2 - you probably need to see a counselor individually. all of these regrets you're mentioning or failure for others to live up to your expectations - there's one common denominator, and that's you. you made choices but are unhappy with the consequences of those choices - you need to learn how to make better choices or how to live with the things you choose (bridal party, dress, venue, etc.) - especially when, in the grand scheme of things, this stuff isn't all that important. 

    I doubt you're really as happy in your marriage as you claim, given that you seem to dislike/resent the people around you, including your friends, family, and husband. 

    This.  

    And all I can think about is "thunder jackers are on the loose.  thunder jackers are on the move."  


    I also agree 100% with Barbie.

    But the bolded made me think of "bananas in pajamas are coming down the stairs. Bananas in pajamas are stealing underwears".

    and this ^^^ reminded me of the Underpants Gnomes

    "Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants, hey! We won't stop till we have underpants, yum tum yummy tum tay!"
    ShesSoColdmrsconn23
  • mrsconn23 said:
    *Barbie* said:
    Your wedding isn't your problem - it was just a party. 

    Your problem is twofold:
    1) you and your husband do not seem to communicate well
    2) you seem to have unrealistic expectations for everyone around you. 

    you need to see a couples counselor with your husband to work out #1 - he has to be open to this process, as do you, otherwise it probably won't have any benefit. 

    for #2 - you probably need to see a counselor individually. all of these regrets you're mentioning or failure for others to live up to your expectations - there's one common denominator, and that's you. you made choices but are unhappy with the consequences of those choices - you need to learn how to make better choices or how to live with the things you choose (bridal party, dress, venue, etc.) - especially when, in the grand scheme of things, this stuff isn't all that important. 

    I doubt you're really as happy in your marriage as you claim, given that you seem to dislike/resent the people around you, including your friends, family, and husband. 

    This.  

    And all I can think about is "thunder jackers are on the loose.  thunder jackers are on the move."  


    I also agree 100% with Barbie.

    But the bolded made me think of "bananas in pajamas are coming down the stairs. Bananas in pajamas are stealing underwears".

    Uh weird, I just had the  bananas song stuck in my head yesterday, although I was singing about chasing teddybears not chasing underwears lol
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    kvruns said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    *Barbie* said:
    Your wedding isn't your problem - it was just a party. 

    Your problem is twofold:
    1) you and your husband do not seem to communicate well
    2) you seem to have unrealistic expectations for everyone around you. 

    you need to see a couples counselor with your husband to work out #1 - he has to be open to this process, as do you, otherwise it probably won't have any benefit. 

    for #2 - you probably need to see a counselor individually. all of these regrets you're mentioning or failure for others to live up to your expectations - there's one common denominator, and that's you. you made choices but are unhappy with the consequences of those choices - you need to learn how to make better choices or how to live with the things you choose (bridal party, dress, venue, etc.) - especially when, in the grand scheme of things, this stuff isn't all that important. 

    I doubt you're really as happy in your marriage as you claim, given that you seem to dislike/resent the people around you, including your friends, family, and husband. 

    This.  

    And all I can think about is "thunder jackers are on the loose.  thunder jackers are on the move."  


    I also agree 100% with Barbie.

    But the bolded made me think of "bananas in pajamas are coming down the stairs. Bananas in pajamas are stealing underwears".

    Uh weird, I just had the  bananas song stuck in my head yesterday, although I was singing about chasing teddybears not chasing underwears lol

    I was trying to remember what the actual words were and could not for the life of me. I only recall the underwear version. LOL
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • I do feel really bad for you op. I know I would be disappointed if I had specifically asked my husband not to do something on our wedding day and he did it. I suspect that had he not though, all the rest of these things that loom so large would not weigh so heavily on you.

    but first, instead of feeling sad when your anniversary comes around I think you should embrace the opportunity to make a special, happy memory and take back that day. If you have the means you can take a little trip, or if not see about spending the day doing fun things together (picnic in park, local attraction, dinner, movie, hiking, whatever). That way as the years go by and people talk about your wedding you can say "omg, our first anniversary was so wonderful!" Get a romantic picture of the two of you that day and have it prominently display. Just a thought.

    The other thing I wanted to say is I do think for your own sake you need to let those things you didn't like about your wedding day go, and think back on happy moments, like saying the vows, nice things said by friends, etc. Truthfully almost every married knottie on here could tell you two versions of her wedding. One where so many things went wrong that you would think the day was "ruined" and one where apparently the dream wedding of the year took place. 
    image
    short+sassycowgirl8238
  • I do feel really bad for you op. I know I would be disappointed if I had specifically asked my husband not to do something on our wedding day and he did it. I suspect that had he not though, all the rest of these things that loom so large would not weigh so heavily on you.

    but first, instead of feeling sad when your anniversary comes around I think you should embrace the opportunity to make a special, happy memory and take back that day. If you have the means you can take a little trip, or if not see about spending the day doing fun things together (picnic in park, local attraction, dinner, movie, hiking, whatever). That way as the years go by and people talk about your wedding you can say "omg, our first anniversary was so wonderful!" Get a romantic picture of the two of you that day and have it prominently display. Just a thought.

    The other thing I wanted to say is I do think for your own sake you need to let those things you didn't like about your wedding day go, and think back on happy moments, like saying the vows, nice things said by friends, etc. Truthfully almost every married knottie on here could tell you two versions of her wedding. One where so many things went wrong that you would think the day was "ruined" and one where apparently the dream wedding of the year took place
    This. My shuttle for guests to get there broke down, we had to transport everyone to the wedding and the ceremony almost started late because of this, my dad was on the phone half the reception with the shuttle company who kept calling him, I forgot the lip stain I had bought specifically for that day, they forgot the Betty's dressing I had requested, the photographer didn't get quite a few of the shots on the list I gave him, the DJ did not stick to the very specific playlist we asked him to stick to, and I was woken up the next day at 730am by the stupid shuttle company calling me. 

    The weather was perfect so we got to have the outdoor wedding we wanted, my husband teared up during both our first look and our vows and I've rarely seen him cry, we got some beautiful pictures, the dance floor was packed all night, everyone told us the food was great and they had a great time, my grandmother who passed away a few months later got to be there and had the most fun I'd seen her have in years, I got to marry the love up my life and wake up next to him the next morning.

    Would I have been pissed if my husband had gotten out of control drunk? Yes, very, and I'm sorry that happened to you. But you have to try to remember the good things about the day as well.
    MesmrEweshort+sassykimmiinthemittencowgirl8238
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards