Invites: Cousin's children are of very different ages

Knottie1447034754 · November 2016

Hi! My situation involves two of my first cousins, who are quite a bit older than me and I am not close with. I am definitely inviting my first cousins to the wedding. I'm not sure how to handle their children, though.

My fiance and I decided to make the minimum age the age of our youngest first cousin, who is 16 years old. The issue is that both of the first cousins in question have children who are above and below the line (6 kids total, 3 above and 3 below). The oldest are each around 19 years old and the youngest is in elementary school. I have no relationship with my cousins or their children- I just see them at family gatherings every couple of years. The younger kids might not even know who I am.

Both cousins did not allow children at their weddings so this shouldn't blow their minds. I just want to be respectful.

How do I handle the invitations without insulting to the younger kids or their parents? Is it weird to list some of the kids on the envelope and not list others? Do I just address the invitation to my cousins and write a personal note saying the older children are welcome to attend? Do I write "and family" and then hope they see the age limit on the website?

Any advice would be much appreciated!!

SaintPaulGal · November 2016

Don't split up the families.

Technically once the kids hit 18 they are their own social unit and they no longer are grouped together with underage siblings. In these cases each adult child would get his or her own invitation. But real life doesn't work like that. In the real world, people are going to be hurt and/or offended if they are left out based on an arbitrary cutoff while their family is included.

My advice: Invite the people you actually want at your wedding, and don't invite the rest. If you aren't close with your cousins, don't invite them. If you aren't close with their kids, don't invite them. If you think the kids wouldn't be able to pick you out of a line up, definitely don't invite them!

flantastic · November 2016

Knottie1447034754 said:

Hi! My situation involves two of my first cousins, who are quite a bit older than me and I am not close with. I am definitely inviting my first cousins to the wedding. I'm not sure how to handle their children, though.

My fiance and I decided to make the minimum age the age of our youngest first cousin, who is 16 years old. The issue is that both of the first cousins in question have children who are above and below the line (6 kids total, 3 above and 3 below). The oldest are each around 19 years old and the youngest is in elementary school. I have no relationship with my cousins or their children- I just see them at family gatherings every couple of years. The younger kids might not even know who I am.

Both cousins did not allow children at their weddings so this shouldn't blow their minds. I just want to be respectful.

How do I handle the invitations without insulting to the younger kids or their parents? Is it weird to list some of the kids on the envelope and not list others? Do I just address the invitation to my cousins and write a personal note saying the older children are welcome to attend? Do I write "and family" and then hope they see the age limit on the website?

Any advice would be much appreciated!!

Don't do it by an age limit (and DEFINITELY do not put said age limit on your website). Invite people you have relationships with... or, alternatively, just make the cutoff your first cousins and their significant others. No kids of cousins at all. That will make much more sense to people. 16 will just seem arbitrary to everyone else, because it pretty much is.

Jen4948 · November 2016

If you're not inviting the children of any other first cousins, then I wouldn't invite these cousins' children.

But if you are inviting the children of other first cousins, then splitting up the families based on age limits would be hurtful and I wouldn't do it.

lyndausvi · November 2016

There is a good 19 year gap from my oldest first cousin till the youngest (I have 25). We just invite first cousins. No need for a age minimum. If you are a first cousin you get invited. If you are not, you don't. It's a firm line. My first cousins who had young kids totally understand it's a generational cutoff not some random age.

[Deleted User] · November 2016

Just don't invite any of your cousins kids, regardless of age. You aren't close to them anyways and it doesn't sound like your cousins will be shocked by this. This will free up budget/space for people you actually want to be there.

cowgirl8238 · November 2016

Knottie1447034754 said:

Hi! My situation involves two of my first cousins, who are quite a bit older than me and I am not close with. I am definitely inviting my first cousins to the wedding. I'm not sure how to handle their children, though.

My fiance and I decided to make the minimum age the age of our youngest first cousin, who is 16 years old. The issue is that both of the first cousins in question have children who are above and below the line (6 kids total, 3 above and 3 below). The oldest are each around 19 years old and the youngest is in elementary school. I have no relationship with my cousins or their children- I just see them at family gatherings every couple of years. The younger kids might not even know who I am.

Both cousins did not allow children at their weddings so this shouldn't blow their minds. I just want to be respectful.

How do I handle the invitations without insulting to the younger kids or their parents? Is it weird to list some of the kids on the envelope and not list others? Do I just address the invitation to my cousins and write a personal note saying the older children are welcome to attend? Do I write "and family" and then hope they see the age limit on the website?

Any advice would be much appreciated!!

I hope that NO ONE sees this on your website! It comes across as rude despite your intentions. You should address the envelopes specifically to those invited to the wedding. If someone adds on an extra person you should call them up and politely tell them that invitation was for "X and Y" only and that you hope to see them at the wedding.

While it is generally best to invite in circles (immediate family/Aunts and Uncles/Cousins/etc...) you certainly do not have to. An invitation should never be expected. If you are not close with these children (sounds like you aren't) then don't invite them. This is especially easy if you don't have any children of cousins invited. I would just address the envelope to the cousins only (by name) and leave it at that!

banana468 · November 2016

I'm not a fan of an age cutoff for the exact reason you've stated. Sure you can say that someone didn't meet your criteria but everyone knows that unless the venue has an age limit, you created an arbitrary cutoff. And when people do things for an arbitrary reason, you have guests feeling hurt.

I'd find a way to invite in circles.

ei34 · November 2016

Ditto PP, invite in circles. First cousins (and their SO's) - yes. The children of first cousins, regardless of age - no. An age like 16 is too arbitrary.

LD1970 · November 2016

Invite first cousins. Don't Invite first cousins once removed. Problem solved.

Invites: Cousin's children are of very different ages

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