My partner recently proposed and of course there has been a lot of excitement and inevitable wedding planning talk. We want to keep it small, with just family and close friends and I already have an idea of who I would like to ask to be in my bridal party.
I’m a quiet person, I have a more introverted personality and I suffer from anxiety so I want to keep my bridal party filled with friends who will respect that and support me on a very important day.
This is where my “best friend” comes in. She is my oldest friend and we used to call each other sisters. For a while I truly felt that about her, but looking back it’s only because I had such low self esteem I didn’t know what a good friend looked like.
My friend is insecure and very competitive with me. If she perceives that I am receiving more attention than her she will behave in ways that draw focus to herself. It usually takes the form of getting loud and flirting with people that maybe she shouldn’t flirt with—like my younger brothers, dad, or my partner.
She thinks everyone finds her charming and funny and would always say it’s not serious. However after saying that she will usually say something in my ear about how she could tell my brother actually wants her.
As a prime example, on my 21st birthday I begged her not to get too drunk or try to block men from talking to me. We had booked a private booth at a club and were given a drinks discount card. She promised she would behave. She showed up 2 hours late and when she arrived, she took the drinks card and went off with a random guy without letting us know. I didn’t see her again even though she was supposed to be coming home with to stay with me and didn’t answer any of my texts or calls. I was genuinely worried for her safety and when she did finally call I was so upset that she thought it was okay to behave that way. It was our first real fight because it was the first time I ever stood up for myself.
She’s the girl who used to mock me for being flat chested at school in the locker room. She’s the girl who said we were like twins except I was the fat one and that’s how they would tell us apart. (FYI I’m actually thin, just not as thin as her and she was calling me fat to be derogatory, not accurately descriptive.)
I used to just think I was being too sensitive and found excuse after excuse to justify her continued presence in my life. Even though she only called me when her boyfriends dumped her and she was single and never called me when things were going well. Even though when I needed her she was nowhere to be found.
Sometimes she apologizes and I feel like I should forgive her because she’s got her struggles and no one is perfect. I love her but at the same time I feel like she doesn’t really love me back. I feel like if I bring her into my bridal party there is a real risk she will try to ruin my wedding on purpose because she will be jealous that people are giving me attention. I’m sad this is even something I have to think about and feel it says a lot about the crappy relationship we have.
She has already made the assumption she’s a bridesmaid, even talking to me about dresses she’d likes for bridesmaids, etc. I just know if I say I don’t want her there, we will probably be done forever. I guess I’m scared of letting go of my oldest friend who I love and just don’t know how to handle such a sensitive issue.
What would you do?
Regards,
Anxiety Monster