Playing hot potato with Mom

mrsconn23 · November 2016

Dear Prudence,
I don’t have a great relationship with my mom and stepdad, who I am quite sure have undiagnosed psychological problems and have trouble keeping jobs. They are in their early 60s and recently moved in with my only sibling and her family. I have a close relationship with my sister even though she lives several hours away. Recently she was venting to me about her frustrations of having them live with her. Money is tight in her household and they don’t contribute anything except occasional child care. My sister apparently told Mom she would have to move in with me when my stepdad dies. I thought she was joking, but she was serious. She said she would drop Mom off on my front porch if she had to. I want nothing to do with my mom and certainly don’t want to be her plan for retirement. How can I get out of this situation besides moving and keeping my address a secret?

—Delinquent Parents

banana468 · November 2016

Tell sister no? Tell her, "I love the relationship that we have but we won't have one if this happens." Or how about be proactive and help look for a place for mom to live?

If that doesn't work then why would the OP want to continue a relationship with someone who clearly isn't listening?

Heffalump · November 2016

I wonder if this was Sister's cry for help because she's so overwhelmed? Maybe she isn't literally going to dump Mom with LW, but she's just burned out and at the end of her rope. Maybe LW should work on supporting her sister, who sounds like she definitely got the short end of this stick.

That said, I would never take that mom. Never ever ever.

OliveOilsMom · November 2016

LW should try to work with sister and force M and SF into counseling. LW's sister should insist upon it as a condition of their continuing to live with them. Perhaps they would be eligible for disability since they cannot retain jobs. That would certainly help out LW's sister.

As for LW, she needs to be upfront with sister as well. That under no uncertain terms will M live with LW. There has to be a solution in there somewhere. Maybe a consultation with a social worker for seniors or looking into any programs available in their state for seniors.

mrsconn23 · November 2016

Sidenote: Prudie's had a rash of LW's lately that are getting off on playing armchair psych for family and friends.

short+sassy · November 2016

Like some others have said, instead of LW being afraid of mom being dumped on her doorstep. What she SHOULD be hearing is that her sister is overwhelmed and needs help.

Maybe the LW can help financially. Maybe she can find another place for them to live. Maybe she can take them some days, ie over the weekend. Or, she doesn't have to do any of those things and can encourage sis to give them the heave-ho also. Grown adults who can fend for themselves, need to.

*Barbie* · November 2016

short+sassy said:

Like some others have said, instead of LW being afraid of mom being dumped on her doorstep. What she SHOULD be hearing is that her sister is overwhelmed and needs help.
Maybe the LW can help financially. Maybe she can find another place for them to live. Maybe she can take them some days, ie over the weekend. Or, she doesn't have to do any of those things and can encourage sis to give them the heave-ho also. Grown adults who can fend for themselves, need to.

My cold, dead heart is in full agreement.
Sister offered to take them in, and can also tell them to leave at any time. LW doesn't have any obligation to take on a responsibility for these people just because they share DNA (or by marriage). Sister sounds like she's in over her head, but that's not LW's problem.

LW needs to be clear with Sister that she has no intention of taking mom in, so if Sister kicks her out, mom needs to look at her options and figure it out.

This reminds me of the drama over my grandfather. When I was ~13ish, my mom's dad had a stroke and needed some continued care during his recovery. Mom is the only one of her siblings that was local, so she grudgingly offered to let Grandpa stay with us.
I'll pause to say that Grandpa was an asshole, and a functional alcoholic, but Mom wouldn't let him drink when he was staying with us so his behavior was probably even worse than normal.
My parents have a 3BR cape cod style house - so my br and sister's br were on the 2nd floor, and the master was on the 1st floor. Grandpa took over my parents' room since he couldn't navigate the stairs, and we ended up with 5 people crowded in a 1300sf house. It was a miserable 3 weeks. Mom complained to her siblings that something needed to be done because this couldn't be a long term thing - all of us were miserable, cramped, Grandpa was verbally abusing everyone regularly, etc. She got into a huge fight with my aunt over this because Aunt thought that Mom should keep it up as long as extra care was needed. Aunt lives in a McMansion and only had one of my cousins living at home, so had plenty of space for Grandpa - it was just a question of driving him ~6-7 hours to their house. Aunt finally got tired of my mom complaining and came and got him. She lasted 3 weeks (so the same as us) before she sent him back to his house and set up some sort of rotating nurse service (that he promptly fired.). They barely spoke for about 5 years after all of this went down.

ILoveBeachMusic · November 2016

I realize that not everyone gets along with their family members (DH's family is a prime example) but this thread has made me sad. I tried to get my Mom to move in with us or at least near us for years before she passed away. When she finally did it was because she didn't have a choice. She died within a month of moving here. I still get sad thinking about the time we wasted not being together. She's been gone 13 years. I still miss her, especially this time of year.

kimmiinthemitten · November 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I realize that not everyone gets along with their family members (DH's family is a prime example) but this thread has made me sad. I tried to get my Mom to move in with us or at least near us for years before she passed away. When she finally did it was because she didn't have a choice. She died within a month of moving here. I still get sad thinking about the time we wasted not being together. She's been gone 13 years. I still miss her, especially this time of year.

Sadly, not all parents are worth having relationships with.

ThisShamanluvsaMage · November 2016

1. The only parent who will ever be allowed to move in with us is my mom. Never my dad or either of FI's parents. Ever. For any reason.

2. The title of this post sounds like a title of a story from literotica dot com. ::shudder::

OurWildKingdom · November 2016

ThisShamanluvsaMage said:

1. The only parent who will ever be allowed to move in with us is my mom. Never my dad or either of FI's parents. Ever. For any reason.

2. The title of this post sounds like a title of a story from literotica dot com. ::shudder::

Just snort-laughed at 2.

monkeysip · November 2016

The thing is, I personally believe that children have a responsibility to care for their parents, unless those parents are abusive in some way.

But caring for doesn't necessarily mean living with. But it may mean helping find a place to live, or even contributing financially. I mean, no parent is perfect, but presumably they helped raise and support you, so I think it's only right for you to help them in their old age.

Again though, that means within proper boundaries. And I think LW's sister is really just reaching out for help. That doesn't mean LW has to take parents in, but she should help her sister figure out a better solution. I don't like it when one kid basically gets the burden of caring for the parents while the other siblings are happy ignoring the problem completely.

Playing hot potato with Mom

Re: Playing hot potato with Mom

Choose Another Board

Search Boards