With family like this... :-/

mrsconn23 · November 2016

DEAR ABBY:

The holidays are coming, and this year it’s my turn to host Thanksgiving. I’m a full-time working mom with two active children, and I also volunteer. No matter how hard I will work at cleaning my house before the relatives come, I know there’ll be areas that aren’t spotless. There’s just not enough time in the schedule. I have relatives who will make sure to point out what needs to be done, or critique how I have arranged my furniture, or what I did or didn’t prepare for the meal. How do I graciously handle these comments? I want to be an example to my children on how to be a gracious hostess, even when dealing with critical or rude comments.

— UNDER PRESSURE IN OHIO

Heffalump · November 2016

mrsconn23 said:

DEAR ABBY:

The holidays are coming, and this year it’s my turn to host Thanksgiving. I’m a full-time working mom with two active children, and I also volunteer. No matter how hard I will work at cleaning my house before the relatives come, I know there’ll be areas that aren’t spotless. There’s just not enough time in the schedule. I have relatives who will make sure to point out what needs to be done, or critique how I have arranged my furniture, or what I did or didn’t prepare for the meal. How do I graciously handle these comments? I want to be an example to my children on how to be a gracious hostess, even when dealing with critical or rude comments.

— UNDER PRESSURE IN OHIO

These letters really bother me--Prudie gets several flavors of them, too. It's basically "How do I set boundaries with people without actually confronting their bad behavior?" Good luck, Pigpen.*

* I doubt that she's an actual Pigpen. But the kids have been on a Peanuts kick lately, and I couldn't resist.

OliveOilsMom · November 2016

"I'm sorry that the house/meal/furniture arrangement isn't to your liking. Perhaps you can host the holiday from now on? That way it can always meet your standards."

6fsn · November 2016

My sister could have written this. Every year her mil, sil, Bil and his wife and daughter spend a week with them. They claim the beds suck, the sheets are too scratchy, the food/wine is cheap, the house is dirty, the furniture is old, and my sister is just not good enough (she's an optometrist)! I don't know how she does it but it's been 22 years.

DrillSergeantCat · November 2016

6fsn said:

My sister could have written this. Every year her mil, sil, Bil and his wife and daughter spend a week with them. They claim the beds suck, the sheets are too scratchy, the food/wine is cheap, the house is dirty, the furniture is old, and my sister is just not good enough (she's an optometrist)! I don't know how she does it but it's been 22 years.

That invitation would have stopped being extended 21 years ago.

@OliveOilsMom good answer. That or "You're more than welcome to come assist me the week before so that my home is to your liking."

tawillers · November 2016

mrsconn23 said:

DEAR ABBY:

The holidays are coming, and this year it’s my turn to host Thanksgiving. I’m a full-time working mom with two active children, and I also volunteer. No matter how hard I will work at cleaning my house before the relatives come, I know there’ll be areas that aren’t spotless. There’s just not enough time in the schedule. I have relatives who will make sure to point out what needs to be done, or critique how I have arranged my furniture, or what I did or didn’t prepare for the meal. How do I graciously handle these comments? I want to be an example to my children on how to be a gracious hostess, even when dealing with critical or rude comments.

— UNDER PRESSURE IN OHIO

Personally, I'd like my children to learn that they don't have to be treated like crap because IT'S FAMILY. I don't want them to smile while someone is an a-hole to them.

MissKittyDanger · November 2016

One of my coworkers could have written this. She's got a lot happening - 2 kids, work full time, plus online courses - and doesn't have time to clean her house the way she'd like to.

"Sorry the house isn't up to normal standards. It's really busy lately, but glad you're able to come!"

Heffalump · November 2016

MissKittyDanger said:

One of my coworkers could have written this. She's got a lot happening - 2 kids, work full time, plus online courses - and doesn't have time to clean her house the way she'd like to.

"Sorry the house isn't up to normal standards. It's really busy lately, but glad you're able to come!"

With all due respect, the word "sorry" would not even pass my lips in this scenario. More like "Here's the Swiffer if it's bothering you so much that you can't keep your mouth shut." But I don't think that's what the LW was looking for.

bleve0821 · November 2016

I hosted dinner parties a lot in grad school, and I would bust my ass cooking and cleaning for them for days on end. I actually had a cousin of an ex I dated once say, in the middle of the meal, "The paint color on the wall [I had recently painted] is nice, but it needs some touching up." So I got up, got a paint brush and the gallon of paint, set them down on the table and said, "Knock yourself out."

ShesSoCold · November 2016

"Well I'm sure you understand that my priorities are different than yours and my children, volunteer work and job come before trying to meet your expectations. This house is our home and if you don't feel comfortable, I'm sorry you felt it necessary to come".

Fuck that "Sorry it's not clean enough". It IS clean enough for LW and that's all that matters.

6fsn · November 2016

Heffalump said:

MissKittyDanger said:

One of my coworkers could have written this. She's got a lot happening - 2 kids, work full time, plus online courses - and doesn't have time to clean her house the way she'd like to.

"Sorry the house isn't up to normal standards. It's really busy lately, but glad you're able to come!"

With all due respect, the word "sorry" would not even pass my lips in this scenario. More like "Here's the Swiffer if it's bothering you so much that you can't keep your mouth shut." But I don't think that's what the LW was looking for.

That's where my sister has landed. She used to bust her ass. One day her mil complained the tracks on the sliding door were dirty. Sister handed her a rag and said have at it. They will always complain. She stopped trying to appease them.

MissKittyDanger · November 2016

Heffalump said:

MissKittyDanger said:

One of my coworkers could have written this. She's got a lot happening - 2 kids, work full time, plus online courses - and doesn't have time to clean her house the way she'd like to.

"Sorry the house isn't up to normal standards. It's really busy lately, but glad you're able to come!"

With all due respect, the word "sorry" would not even pass my lips in this scenario. More like "Here's the Swiffer if it's bothering you so much that you can't keep your mouth shut." But I don't think that's what the LW was looking for.

I would have said it snarky/sarcastically lol not actually apologizing.

ShesSoCold · November 2016

I dislike the "here, you clean then" personally. Because fuck you, it is clean enough for me. I feel like there's an implication that I agree that it's not clean enough.

MIL said one or two shitty things about the cleanliness of our apartment years ago and wanted to "help" me clean. I told her I'd be happy to recommend a hotel or meet her elsewhere for dinner. I don't need your ass cleaning my baseboards. Get over yourself.

charlotte989875 · November 2016

I'm pretty confident my MIL thinks my house is not clean enough. Too bad. I work full-time, so does H. We keep our kitchen clean enough to cook and eat safely, our bathroom is clean, but yah my baseboards are dusty, and I don't sweep everyday. She's never said anything (because she's way too polite to do that), but unless someone wants to pay for a housekeeper for me, this is how its going to be.

short+sassy · November 2016

mrsconn23 said:

DEAR ABBY:

The holidays are coming, and this year it’s my turn to host Thanksgiving. I’m a full-time working mom with two active children, and I also volunteer. No matter how hard I will work at cleaning my house before the relatives come, I know there’ll be areas that aren’t spotless. There’s just not enough time in the schedule. I have relatives who will make sure to point out what needs to be done, or critique how I have arranged my furniture, or what I did or didn’t prepare for the meal. How do I graciously handle these comments? I want to be an example to my children on how to be a gracious hostess, even when dealing with critical or rude comments.

— UNDER PRESSURE IN OHIO

Either a deadpan, "And?" or "So?" Depending on my mood.

mrsconn23 · November 2016

ShesSoCold said:

I dislike the "here, you clean then" personally. Because fuck you, it is clean enough for me. I feel like there's an implication that I agree that it's not clean enough.
MIL said one or two shitty things about the cleanliness of our apartment years ago and wanted to "help" me clean. I told her I'd be happy to recommend a hotel or meet her elsewhere for dinner. I don't need your ass cleaning my baseboards. Get over yourself.

My MIL was a wonderful person, but dear god she would come to my house and clean, especially in the early days. It drove me batshit at times (there was one bad time when I was late in pregnancy and tired all the time and I was so pissed she was cleaning and organizing the kiddo's room that I left the house to go to the store when it was snowing...much to everyone's protest). But it was part and parcel of her personality. She a) was a mother-er. She mothered everyone, young or old. It put my mom's back up because my mom would be all, "Why does she host ME at your house?" and that brings me to b ) she had horrible social anxiety. Doing something got her out of conversations. Serving people and helping out is how she stayed involved in a social situation without feeling pressure.

That's not to say there weren't times that I felt like I was being judged as a shitty housekeeper, wife, and/or mother, but I found ways to deal with her desire to help out.

DrillSergeantCat · November 2016

mrsconn23 said:
My MIL was a wonderful person, but dear god she would come to my house and clean, especially in the early days. It drove me batshit at times (there was one bad time when I was late in pregnancy and tired all the time and I was so pissed she was cleaning and organizing the kiddo's room that I left the house to go to the store when it was snowing...much to everyone's protest). But it was part and parcel of her personality. She a) was a mother-er. She mothered everyone, young or old. It put my mom's back up because my mom would be all, "Why does she host ME at your house?" and that brings me to b ) she had horrible social anxiety. Doing something got her out of conversations. Serving people and helping out is how she stayed involved in a social situation without feeling pressure.

That's not to say there weren't times that I felt like I was being judged as a shitty housekeeper, wife, and/or mother, but I found ways to deal with her desire to help out.

My son confessed to me that my MIL made him mad last year because she told me to sit down while she did something in the kitchen while I was hosting Thanksgiving. Then, he realized that she's just socially awkward and that was her inept way of being nice.

Heffalump · November 2016

charlotte989875 said:

I'm pretty confident my MIL thinks my house is not clean enough. Too bad. I work full-time, so does H. We keep our kitchen clean enough to cook and eat safely, our bathroom is clean, but yah my baseboards are dusty, and I don't sweep everyday. She's never said anything (because she's way too polite to do that), but unless someone wants to pay for a housekeeper for me, this is how its going to be.

I think my mom feels the same way about my house. And it's clean, but with a 7 y.o. and a 3 y.o. (and a destructive kitten), it's not always tidy.

She freaked out once a long time ago, because we were going to a funeral and she wanted to ride with us, so she met us at our apartment. We were putting together some IKEA bookshelves, so there were parts and pieces all over the living room, along with packing material. She took one look at it and said "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't live like this." Like the empty carton and piles of shelves were permanent fixtures. That's DH's and my inside joke now: when the family room looks like a Hot Wheel factory exploded or Wooz has tempera paint all over her art desk, it's always "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't live like this."

Old timers will remember that, OTOH, I really wanted to clean MIL's house. And I don't even like to clean. But it was gross. I just kept my mouth shut, even (especially) once we started staying in a hotel.

MissKittyDanger · November 2016

mrsconn23 said:

ShesSoCold said:

I dislike the "here, you clean then" personally. Because fuck you, it is clean enough for me. I feel like there's an implication that I agree that it's not clean enough.
MIL said one or two shitty things about the cleanliness of our apartment years ago and wanted to "help" me clean. I told her I'd be happy to recommend a hotel or meet her elsewhere for dinner. I don't need your ass cleaning my baseboards. Get over yourself.

My MIL was a wonderful person, but dear god she would come to my house and clean, especially in the early days. It drove me batshit at times (there was one bad time when I was late in pregnancy and tired all the time and I was so pissed she was cleaning and organizing the kiddo's room that I left the house to go to the store when it was snowing...much to everyone's protest). But it was part and parcel of her personality. She a) was a mother-er. She mothered everyone, young or old. It put my mom's back up because my mom would be all, "Why does she host ME at your house?" and that brings me to b ) she had horrible social anxiety. Doing something got her out of conversations. Serving people and helping out is how she stayed involved in a social situation without feeling pressure.

That's not to say there weren't times that I felt like I was being judged as a shitty housekeeper, wife, and/or mother, but I found ways to deal with her desire to help out.

I feel the same way when hosting, so I tend to hover around certain places/people to stay calm. {hosting and visiting some places}

ShesSoCold · November 2016

mrsconn23 said:

ShesSoCold said:

I dislike the "here, you clean then" personally. Because fuck you, it is clean enough for me. I feel like there's an implication that I agree that it's not clean enough.
MIL said one or two shitty things about the cleanliness of our apartment years ago and wanted to "help" me clean. I told her I'd be happy to recommend a hotel or meet her elsewhere for dinner. I don't need your ass cleaning my baseboards. Get over yourself.

My MIL was a wonderful person, but dear god she would come to my house and clean, especially in the early days. It drove me batshit at times (there was one bad time when I was late in pregnancy and tired all the time and I was so pissed she was cleaning and organizing the kiddo's room that I left the house to go to the store when it was snowing...much to everyone's protest). But it was part and parcel of her personality. She a) was a mother-er. She mothered everyone, young or old. It put my mom's back up because my mom would be all, "Why does she host ME at your house?" and that brings me to b ) she had horrible social anxiety. Doing something got her out of conversations. Serving people and helping out is how she stayed involved in a social situation without feeling pressure.

That's not to say there weren't times that I felt like I was being judged as a shitty housekeeper, wife, and/or mother, but I found ways to deal with her desire to help out.

I've talked to H about it because if my mom had come over and cleaned, I'd see it as NBD so I wanted to look at it similarly with his mom. But they're not as close as my mom and I were and H didn't like the thought of her cleaning our shit either.

For my MIL, it's more about one-upping than anything. She always finds a way to talk about how great she is. For example, every time we see her, she asks H what his favorite food is. He'll say my vodka sauce or chicken scarparello, then she'll either be upset that it wasn't something she cooked or she will give some suggestion on how she can make those recipes better. Shit like that. I know that if she were to help us clean, it would be because we "wouldn't be able to do it otherwise" or that I begged her for her extensive cleaning knowledge.

As I'm sure you guys know by now, I really value cleanliness and my clean home is a source of pride for me. So someone else cleaning it or talking about how it's not clean is a kind of slap in the face for me. There's shit I'm learning to deal with with MIL, but my house isn't one of 'em.

ThisShamanluvsaMage · November 2016

I hosted my FMIL for Thanksgiving last year. She always complains about everything, b/c she knows everything. FI talked to her about this prior to the invite, but it didn't stop her. The house wasn't clean enough, too hot, too cold, and she encouraged my very food-oriented bulldog to beg.

I ignored all of that, but then she saw the food I made, and said, "ew! That doesn't look good." And that was were I told her that she could either be a thankful and gracious guest, or she could leave. She was blessedly silent for 30 whole minutes, then told my 1yr old "mommy is going to make us eat icky food. Grandma might get sick."

This is where I asked (told) her to leave.

::insert no regrets chicken::

*Barbie* · November 2016

ThisShamanluvsaMage said:

I hosted my FMIL for Thanksgiving last year. She always complains about everything, b/c she knows everything. FI talked to her about this prior to the invite, but it didn't stop her. The house wasn't clean enough, too hot, too cold, and she encouraged my very food-oriented bulldog to beg.

I ignored all of that, but then she saw the food I made, and said, "ew! That doesn't look good." And that was were I told her that she could either be a thankful and gracious guest, or she could leave. She was blessedly silent for 30 whole minutes, then told my 1yr old "mommy is going to make us eat icky food. Grandma might get sick."

This is where I asked (told) her to leave.

::insert no regrets chicken::

*slow claps*
I'm judging your FI for not kicking her out, but hopefully he was at least 100% supportive of this.

ThisShamanluvsaMage · November 2016

*Barbie* said:

ThisShamanluvsaMage said:

I hosted my FMIL for Thanksgiving last year. She always complains about everything, b/c she knows everything. FI talked to her about this prior to the invite, but it didn't stop her. The house wasn't clean enough, too hot, too cold, and she encouraged my very food-oriented bulldog to beg.

I ignored all of that, but then she saw the food I made, and said, "ew! That doesn't look good." And that was were I told her that she could either be a thankful and gracious guest, or she could leave. She was blessedly silent for 30 whole minutes, then told my 1yr old "mommy is going to make us eat icky food. Grandma might get sick."

This is where I asked (told) her to leave.

::insert no regrets chicken::

*slow claps*
I'm judging your FI for not kicking her out, but hopefully he was at least 100% supportive of this.

Oh! I meant to mention he was at work that morning. We planned to eat not long after he got home (8 min walk to his work.) When I told him, he actually did a slow clap and laughed. She tried telling on me later, and he told her if she can't behave, she can't visit.

Actually, this just made me realize we haven't heard from her since Sept. Bliss!

With family like this... :-/

Re: With family like this... :-/

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