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WWWWD...

MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes
So I have a friend who is like an older brother.  I was there when he went through his first divorce, was one of 12 people invited to the wedding with his second wife, and last year he and his wife decided to silently divorce (they didn't tell ANYONE that things were less than great so it was a surprise to us all).  The friend has an almost difficult to believe after that positive relationship with his ex and her new husband (up until recently they still lived in the same house).  His ex has told me because it's beyond strange for him that for whatever reason he's embarrassed  about it all in front of me of all the people in our social circle.  Frankly, the friend got me through a rough patch in my own life such that my husband and I would never have been able to be a thing had he not been there.  More than that, if they were that miserable married to the point of getting divorced and not saying a word to anyone - I'm HAF for both of them that they aren't tormenting eachother anymore!   In a way I'm at a loss for how to break the guy's shell because he is a good friend to I and DH, but also there's some back story in I've got a promise to keep from that rough time in my life that it has been a few years in the making that I'm now ready to keep my word on, but I DO NOT want the ex to know about because of a situation there, so I can't just call her up and say "set up the meeting!" KWIM..  WWWWD?
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Re: WWWWD...

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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I can't really understand what you are trying to say.  You have a friend who got secretly divorced.  You saw the ex-wife out and she told you everything, right?  So what meeting needs to be had?  Do you want to talk with your friend to let him know that you know about their divorce?
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    SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
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    Yeah, I can't quite follow this either I'm afraid.  I understand that you are being intentionally vague but I don't feel like we have quite enough context to understand what is going on and what feedback or advice you are looking for.
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    Ultimately I'm trying to link up for either dinner or shoot the breeze how's the weather pop a soda/beer chat it up like we'd typically do at least a couple times a year..  
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Still confused. 

    So, you found out that he's divorced from his ex? And he hasn't told you yet? So you want to confront him and tell him that you know? Or you want to force him to tell you? <-- Please, please tell me I'm wrong. 

    As someone that's gone through a divorce, it's really painful and embarrassing. And I would have been mortified if a friend did this to me. 
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    Ro041Ro041 member
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    I'm also confused about the above.  Additionally, you need to call up the ex to set up a meeting based on a promise you made years ago to the friend?  

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    I think she's trying to ask how to break it to her friend that she knows he's divorced again?

    If so, go with what @OliveOilsMom mom wrote.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    I think she's trying to ask how to break it to her friend that she knows he's divorced again?

    If so, go with what @OliveOilsMom mom wrote.
    This.  If you're that close, I think keeping it a secret from him that you know is a mistake.  I like the way OOM put it:  I know, your story isn't mine to tell, and we don't even have to talk about it unless you want to.
    image
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    kimmiinthemitten said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    I think she's trying to ask how to break it to her friend that she knows he's divorced again?

    If so, go with what @OliveOilsMom mom wrote.
    This.  If you're that close, I think keeping it a secret from him that you know is a mistake.  I like the way OOM put it:  I know, your story isn't mine to tell, and we don't even have to talk about it unless you want to.
    Not only that, but it's going to become obvious really quickly unless he chooses to lie about it when OP asks where the wife is or how she's doing or what's she been up to etc.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2016
    I've known they were divorced since they announced it, we've chatted via phone since then (I offered to take him out with a group the day of his ex's wedding reception if that's any idea).  Just setting up meeting up for dinner or just to chat in person (kids/DH in tow or not) as we'd typically done in the past has been a challenge with his embarrassment as his ex put it.  
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    (without going in to too many disclosing details, years ago in an exchange I promised I'd send referrals his way along with when I was able to pay him back I would...  Let's just say his ex is taking home ~50% of his monthly income right now between all agreements in the divorce/child support, that's why I want this to stay off the record as much as humanly possible because I know he could use the hand up even though this was in the works on my part long before the divorce)
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    MesmrEwe said:
    I've known they were divorced since they announced it, we've chatted via phone since then (I offered to take him out with a group the day of his ex's wedding reception if that's any idea).  Just setting up meeting up for dinner or just to chat in person (kids/DH in tow or not) as we'd typically done in the past has been a challenge with his embarrassment as his ex put it.  
    I'm still confused. Why are you being so vague? Who is this meeting with? And why does his ex need to know about it? You said in your OP that you'd have to call her up? This makes no sense. 
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    SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
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    I'm still not entirely sure I understand what's going on, but I have a friend who could be a gloomy Gus after his divorce.  He turned down a bunch of opportunities to get together claiming that he would rather just stay home and lie on the couch.  I finally told him it was no longer up to him and and I cared too much about him to let him wall himself off and he was coming over right now.  He is one of FI's closest friends and we see him all the time, and we have the sort of relationship where I can say something like that to him and have it work.  But no idea if that's something that would make sense in your relationship with this friend, and really not even sure if it addresses your problem.
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    Ro041Ro041 member
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    Ok, I think I got it - you know they divorced.  You owe some kind of debt to your friend and as partial payment for that debt, you promised to send some kind of referrals to him.  (Now ex)wife knew about the agreement.  Now you are ready to make good on your promise, but you don't want the ex to find out, so you are asking how to go about squaring up with your friend without the ex finding out.  Or at least that's what I now think is going on.

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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    Ro041 said:
    Ok, I think I got it - you know they divorced.  You owe some kind of debt to your friend and as partial payment for that debt, you promised to send some kind of referrals to him.  (Now ex)wife knew about the agreement.  Now you are ready to make good on your promise, but you don't want the ex to find out, so you are asking how to go about squaring up with your friend without the ex finding out.  Or at least that's what I now think is going on.
    His ex DOES NOT know about the promise (heck - he's probably forgotten about it too) - that was made in confidence with him before she was even in the picture much less the radar.  

    The only reason for involving his ex on this would be in forcing the meeting to take place but given what I'm hoping to do for him, I truly want it set up only between him and I.  His ex is still a good friend of mine too - and I've been over to now her place recently - tried calling him ahead of the last visit to say "Want to meet up to say Hi!", which he of course turned down, and I mentioned it to his ex because it was hitting an odd for him point (amicable divorce - they still see eachother multiple times a week) and that's when she told me about him being embarrassed. 

    @SaintPaulGal - that's probably what I need to do...
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    MesmrEwe said:
    Ro041 said:
    Ok, I think I got it - you know they divorced.  You owe some kind of debt to your friend and as partial payment for that debt, you promised to send some kind of referrals to him.  (Now ex)wife knew about the agreement.  Now you are ready to make good on your promise, but you don't want the ex to find out, so you are asking how to go about squaring up with your friend without the ex finding out.  Or at least that's what I now think is going on.
    His ex DOES NOT know about the promise (heck - he's probably forgotten about it too) - that was made in confidence with him before she was even in the picture much less the radar.  

    The only reason for involving his ex on this would be in forcing the meeting to take place but given what I'm hoping to do for him, I truly want it set up only between him and I.  His ex is still a good friend of mine too - and I've been over to now her place recently - tried calling him ahead of the last visit to say "Want to meet up to say Hi!", which he of course turned down, and I mentioned it to his ex because it was hitting an odd for him point (amicable divorce - they still see eachother multiple times a week) and that's when she told me about him being embarrassed. 

    @SaintPaulGal - that's probably what I need to do...
    Just call him directly and tell him you want to meet up about the referrals and then let the chips fall as they may.  If he discloses this new income to his ex and has to pay her more, so be it.

    I get that you feel for him and want to help him out financially, but if he made legally binding agreements to honor alimony/child support at X level then he has to honor those agreements or go back to court to get them amended.

    It would look especially shitty that you were trying to help him hide additional income from his ex since you are also still friends with her.  Plus, isn't it possible he could get into trouble legally?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    MesmrEwe said:
    So I have a friend who is like an older brother.  I was there when he went through his first divorce, was one of 12 people invited to the wedding with his second wife, and last year he and his wife decided to silently divorce (they didn't tell ANYONE that things were less than great so it was a surprise to us all).  The friend has an almost difficult to believe after that positive relationship with his ex and her new husband (up until recently they still lived in the same house).  His ex has told me because it's beyond strange for him that for whatever reason he's embarrassed  about it all in front of me of all the people in our social circle.  Frankly, the friend got me through a rough patch in my own life such that my husband and I would never have been able to be a thing had he not been there.  More than that, if they were that miserable married to the point of getting divorced and not saying a word to anyone - I'm HAF for both of them that they aren't tormenting eachother anymore!   In a way I'm at a loss for how to break the guy's shell because he is a good friend to I and DH, but also there's some back story in I've got a promise to keep from that rough time in my life that it has been a few years in the making that I'm now ready to keep my word on, but I DO NOT want the ex to know about because of a situation there, so I can't just call her up and say "set up the meeting!" KWIM..  WWWWD?
    What...?
    No. Try bullets.
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