Pre-wedding Parties

Question about a "party" before the big day...

Hi all. We got engaged in June of this year and plan to get married in April...However while planning like crazy since the engagement we realized we needed to cut the guest list down a lot and do a smaller wedding and then maybe at our 5 or 10 year anniversary we will be more financially stable and we can have a larger event to renew our vows. My family is large with my parents both remarried and step siblings and so on....That said, FI works for a good size company and has for the past 5 years. I helped him get the job (long story) and he is now as of 2 months ago a supervisor/assistant manager...Anyway over the course of the past 5 years we have developed many friendships thru his job and otherwise and I feel bad we can't invite some of those people to the actual wedding. I was wondering is it super tacky and rude to have a little engagement celebration in like January inviting some of his close friends from work and our handful who we can't include in the real wedding to the local pizza joint for pizza, their salad bar, and some beers? Just like a hangout with the coworkers and few other friends we can't afford to invite to celebrate us getting married? I am not asking for gifts and I wouldn't expect any so I don't want to look greedy in anyway but just want people to know we care about them as friends and wanted to celebrate with them too...Not sure how to go about it though....Its hard when people ask constantly so I want them all to feel important to us. Thanks!

Re: Question about a "party" before the big day...

  • Darn thats what I was afraid of....so it would be rude then to celebrate our engagement with them....bummer...I wills FI what he thinks now that I have some insight....my invite was going to say "Because we love you lots and our wedding will be small, We would really love to celebrate beforehand with you all!" ....but i don't want to sounds bitchy and greedy...poop its all guys mostly anyway i figured they could have beers and wouldn't care much....
  • OCAlana985OCAlana985
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited November 2016
    I do love the after idea though too...Thanks! And I could change it to Because we love you lots and our wedding was so small, We would really love to celebrate our new marriage with you all! 
  • I agree with @ernursej. It still sounds like a consolation prize. I wouldn't even use any cutesy rhyming invitation. Just invite people over or out for dinner. Definitely don't mention the wedding because then they will think gift grabby! People understand everyone can't be invited to a wedding - not a big deal.
    charlotte989875eileenrobSP29cowgirl8238
  • I went to 2 vow renewals this year. One was a 10 year vow renewal and although it was a lovely ceremony, it just felt like it was unnecessary. The second was a 25 year vow renewal and it felt like the right reason to renew. The couple focused on all the things that they had achieved together and then why they wanted to continue their journey together.
    eileenrobInLoveInQueensHeffalump
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Ditto PPs. Don't do the consolation prize. People get that not everyone can be invited to a wedding, but they don't need you to rub it in their faces.

    If inviting them is so important, why not scale back the wedding plans so that you can expand your guest list? A wedding doesn't have to be super expensive per person. If you can afford to host this party on top of the wedding, there's got to be a way you can host them at the wedding if you want to. 
    PrettyGirlLostlc07
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited November 2016
    Firstly, it's rude to host a party celebrating yourself. Why do you think everyone is desperate to go to your wedding? It's not school, people understand they aren't invited everywhere.

    What would make me cross is getting a note saying; 'you aren't invited to our big party but come over so I can cook you dinner.' That is so rude! 

    And if did you are doing this to work colleagues, you could be doing professional damage. I would worry about the judgement of someone who was this thoughtless next promotion round. 

    Invite them to dinner to thank them, but as soon as you say it's about your engagement, it's no longer about them- it's saying 'come validate me!'. Plus as soon as you mention it, it makes it sound like they should buy you a gift too. 

    If you want to thank these people why do you need to make it about you?! Just have them over to thank them and quit being so selfish! 

    Life is about choices, you chose a small wedding. You COULD scale back and invite these people but you CHOSE not to. That's fine, but own it! How mean to rub that choice in their faces! 
    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • downtondivadowntondiva
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited November 2016
    Once you choose to have a small wedding, you have to own that decision. That means no wedding-related parties involving people not invited to the wedding itself. Nobody is owed an invitation or a consolation prize for not being invited, and it would be rude and unfair of you to offer such a consolation prize. 

    If these people are really that important to you and your FI, either make some adjustments to your wedding to be able to include them, or just find some time to socialize with them that has absolutely nothing to do with your wedding. Having some sort of wedding-related event with them will only serve to highlight the fact that they aren't invited to the wedding and make them wonder why they aren't. Please don't put them in that position.
    image
    InLoveInQueensSP29PrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    I wouldn't try to have a party with this group until AFTER your wedding.

    If you do it beforehand, your wedding will inevitably come up, and it's going to be very uncomfortable and delicate talking about your wedding with ppl you are not inviting. . . especially if someone is naive enough to say, "I'm so excited for your wedding!"

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    ILoveBeachMusiceileenrob
  • We have good friends who got married shortly after moving to the city we currently live in. As the wedding was mostly planned when they moved, none of us were (understandably) invited. A month or so after the wedding, they hosted a dinner here for all of us. We all went to a local restaurant, and the couple covered drinks & a bunch of food. It was a great way to celebrate their marriage and we all had a great time! They hardly talked about the wedding at all, but we knew that's what it was for.

    (I think they specified no gifts, or spread that via word of mouth, but of course DON'T expect gifts if you do something like this.)
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited December 2016
    Hi all. We got engaged in June of this year and plan to get married in April...However while planning like crazy since the engagement we realized we needed to cut the guest list down a lot and do a smaller wedding and then maybe at our 5 or 10 year anniversary we will be more financially stable and we can have a larger event to renew our vows. My family is large with my parents both remarried and step siblings and so on....That said, FI works for a good size company and has for the past 5 years. I helped him get the job (long story) and he is now as of 2 months ago a supervisor/assistant manager...Anyway over the course of the past 5 years we have developed many friendships thru his job and otherwise and I feel bad we can't invite some of those people to the actual wedding. I was wondering is it super tacky and rude to have a little engagement celebration in like January inviting some of his close friends from work and our handful who we can't include in the real wedding to the local pizza joint for pizza, their salad bar, and some beers? Just like a hangout with the coworkers and few other friends we can't afford to invite to celebrate us getting married? I am not asking for gifts and I wouldn't expect any so I don't want to look greedy in anyway but just want people to know we care about them as friends and wanted to celebrate with them too...Not sure how to go about it though....Its hard when people ask constantly so I want them all to feel important to us. Thanks!
    1.  A couple never throws a party in their own honor, so no self sponsored "engagement party".  You may have a party at any time, but not an "engagement party".

    2.  Anyone who is invited to any pre-wedding party must also be invited to the wedding and reception.  No exceptions to this rule.

    3.  You only get one wedding.  Make it the wedding you want to have.

    4.  Vow renewals are not second weddings.  They are usually held at least ten years out from the wedding, and more often, are held on a twenty-fifth or fiftieth anniversary.  They have different etiquette than weddings.

    5.  Any party that is held after your wedding day is not a part of your wedding.  It is simply a party.  Do not offer your friends a compensation party for not being invited to your wedding.  That is rude and insulting.  Just have a party for friends without trying to make it a wedding celebration.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    InLoveInQueensdowntondivacowgirl8238
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards