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Etiquette

Ceremony Only Invite

Hi all,

I've lurked for a long time, and I haven't come across this situation before, so I wanted to get some advice before responding to my mother.

One of my mom's good friends is invited to our wedding --just her and her husband-- and she received a save the date.She has an adult son with disabilities, and he saw the save the date, and asked about the wedding. She told my mom he was asking about the wedding, so my mom came to
me with a question about if I would be okay inviting him to the ceremony only.

I don't know if my mom came up with the idea or if the friend asked, but I figure that could be addressed when I give her an answer. Personally, I'm fine with it, but I know it's not etiquette approved I don't necessarily want to get into the details why, but he would not be able to handle being at the reception (words of my mother and his mother). I can elaborate on that in a comment if needed.

I know it would make him really happy to see the ceremony, he's never been to a wedding before, and he doesn't know exactly what it is. If we did invite him to the ceremony, I'd make sure to stop and hank him for coming before pictures right after the ceremony, and he'd travel with a PCA to the ceremony itself,  and leave afterwards.

i know it's rude to invite someone to only the ceremony, but I don't know if this would be an okay exception. I'm thinking my moms friend asked my mom about it, so I'm guessing this was her idea, but I don't know for sure, and I guess I'm not sure if that matters.

Any advice?

i know this is kind of long, and if it doesn't make sense, I'll provide any clarification needed

Re: Ceremony Only Invite

  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I encountered something similar- a guest asking me if their relative could come only to our ceremony because "she just loves weddings!"

    Let them know you can invite the person to both ceremony and reception and put the onus on them to confirm the person will not attend the reception. 
    ________________________________


    ShesSoColdcharlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just because someone has disabilities doesn't make it OK to treat them rudely. He's either invited to both the ceremony and the reception, or neither event. 

    PrettyGirlLostei34
  • Thank you all, I will tell them that we can only accomadate Mom and Dad, the ones who are invited. You all confirmed what I was thinking. I'm guessing Mom thought It would be easier on their family to have him just come to the ceremony then try to explain that he was invited.

    Thanks!
    InLoveInQueens
  • Thank you all, I will tell them that we can only accomadate Mom and Dad, the ones who are invited. You all confirmed what I was thinking. I'm guessing Mom thought It would be easier on their family to have him just come to the ceremony then try to explain that he was invited.

    Thanks!
    You can invite him to the entire event, and he/his family can choose for him to only attend the ceremony. There is nothing wrong with your guests choosing what to attend. 
    PrettyGirlLostYogaSandy
  • Thank you all, I will tell them that we can only accomadate Mom and Dad, the ones who are invited. You all confirmed what I was thinking. I'm guessing Mom thought It would be easier on their family to have him just come to the ceremony then try to explain that he was invited.

    Thanks!
    You can invite him to the entire event, and he/his family can choose for him to only attend the ceremony. There is nothing wrong with your guests choosing what to attend. 

    I realize that, however, he wasn't going to be invited from the start. I'm going to talk to my fiancé about it, and we'll figure out whether invite/not to the whole thing. If we invite him, we'll need to invite the other siblings as well, and we'll just have to look and see what will be the best option.

    My intention is to be as respectful to him/his family as possible, which is why I thought I would ask and get other opinions before saying an outright no. We've got our guest list cut down to the point where it needs to be, and we'll have to look and see what kind of wiggle room there would be.

    Thanks!
  • Thank you all, I will tell them that we can only accomadate Mom and Dad, the ones who are invited. You all confirmed what I was thinking. I'm guessing Mom thought It would be easier on their family to have him just come to the ceremony then try to explain that he was invited.

    Thanks!
    You can invite him to the entire event, and he/his family can choose for him to only attend the ceremony. There is nothing wrong with your guests choosing what to attend. 

    I realize that, however, he wasn't going to be invited from the start. I'm going to talk to my fiancé about it, and we'll figure out whether invite/not to the whole thing. If we invite him, we'll need to invite the other siblings as well, and we'll just have to look and see what will be the best option.

    My intention is to be as respectful to him/his family as possible, which is why I thought I would ask and get other opinions before saying an outright no. We've got our guest list cut down to the point where it needs to be, and we'll have to look and see what kind of wiggle room there would be.

    Thanks!
    I just want to point out that that isn't necessarily the case.  Since the son in question is an adult he is his own social unit, and you are free to invite him without being obligated to have the whole family in attendance. 
    charlotte989875ILoveBeachMusicInLoveInQueens
  • Thank you all, I will tell them that we can only accomadate Mom and Dad, the ones who are invited. You all confirmed what I was thinking. I'm guessing Mom thought It would be easier on their family to have him just come to the ceremony then try to explain that he was invited.

    Thanks!
    You can invite him to the entire event, and he/his family can choose for him to only attend the ceremony. There is nothing wrong with your guests choosing what to attend. 

    I realize that, however, he wasn't going to be invited from the start. I'm going to talk to my fiancé about it, and we'll figure out whether invite/not to the whole thing. If we invite him, we'll need to invite the other siblings as well, and we'll just have to look and see what will be the best option.

    My intention is to be as respectful to him/his family as possible, which is why I thought I would ask and get other opinions before saying an outright no. We've got our guest list cut down to the point where it needs to be, and we'll have to look and see what kind of wiggle room there would be.

    Thanks!
    I just want to point out that that isn't necessarily the case.  Since the son in question is an adult he is his own social unit, and you are free to invite him without being obligated to have the whole family in attendance. 
    Oh, I didn't know that. I assumed since he had younger siblings who are not adults, it wouldn't be okay to invite one sibling without the others. Good to know, thanks!
  • Thank you all, I will tell them that we can only accomadate Mom and Dad, the ones who are invited. You all confirmed what I was thinking. I'm guessing Mom thought It would be easier on their family to have him just come to the ceremony then try to explain that he was invited.

    Thanks!
    You can invite him to the entire event, and he/his family can choose for him to only attend the ceremony. There is nothing wrong with your guests choosing what to attend. 

    I realize that, however, he wasn't going to be invited from the start. I'm going to talk to my fiancé about it, and we'll figure out whether invite/not to the whole thing. If we invite him, we'll need to invite the other siblings as well, and we'll just have to look and see what will be the best option.

    My intention is to be as respectful to him/his family as possible, which is why I thought I would ask and get other opinions before saying an outright no. We've got our guest list cut down to the point where it needs to be, and we'll have to look and see what kind of wiggle room there would be.

    Thanks!
    I just want to point out that that isn't necessarily the case.  Since the son in question is an adult he is his own social unit, and you are free to invite him without being obligated to have the whole family in attendance. 
    Oh, I didn't know that. I assumed since he had younger siblings who are not adults, it wouldn't be okay to invite one sibling without the others. Good to know, thanks!
    Hmm...that's a little more dicey then.  I was imagining all the "kids" were adults at this point.  Technically it is still true that anyone over 18 is no longer lumped in with minor children, but in the real world where people have feelings the other kids' could be hurt by being left out if everyone is still living at home.  In that case, I think your best bet is just to skip inviting any of the kids unless you are particularly close to all of them.
    PrettyGirlLostSP29
  • I think your best bet is to just leave the list as is and not invite him.  While technically you can invite whoever you want, it is best to maintain circles...and inviting this person and not his siblings is not inviting in a nice circle.  There is a potential for hurt feelings from the siblings here.  Stand firm on your choice!

    PrettyGirlLostSP29
  • Hi all,

    I've lurked for a long time, and I haven't come across this situation before, so I wanted to get some advice before responding to my mother.

    One of my mom's good friends is invited to our wedding --just her and her husband-- and she received a save the date.She has an adult son with disabilities, and he saw the save the date, and asked about the wedding. She told my mom he was asking about the wedding, so my mom came to
    me with a question about if I would be okay inviting him to the ceremony only.

    I don't know if my mom came up with the idea or if the friend asked, but I figure that could be addressed when I give her an answer. Personally, I'm fine with it, but I know it's not etiquette approved I don't necessarily want to get into the details why, but he would not be able to handle being at the reception (words of my mother and his mother). I can elaborate on that in a comment if needed.

    I know it would make him really happy to see the ceremony, he's never been to a wedding before, and he doesn't know exactly what it is. If we did invite him to the ceremony, I'd make sure to stop and hank him for coming before pictures right after the ceremony, and he'd travel with a PCA to the ceremony itself,  and leave afterwards.

    i know it's rude to invite someone to only the ceremony, but I don't know if this would be an okay exception. I'm thinking my moms friend asked my mom about it, so I'm guessing this was her idea, but I don't know for sure, and I guess I'm not sure if that matters.

    Any advice?

    i know this is kind of long, and if it doesn't make sense, I'll provide any clarification needed
    The number one rule about interacting with someone who is differently-abled is treat them the same way you would treat an able-bodied person. You said it yourself: you know it is rude to invite someone to a ceremony without a reception invite. Being disabled does not change this rule.

    If you invite them to the ceremony, they must be invited to the reception.

    Are you getting married in a church or public place? Because anyone is welcome to attend a wedding there. However, the minute you invite them is the minute you must invite them to the reception too. 

    I feel like I might be "walking the etiquette line" here but, assuming the ceremony is in a public place, his mom could be told something like, "Actually, the ceremony is being held at ABC Church or XYZ park.  So it will not be closed to the general public."

    To me, the person's disability aside (other than they didn't ask themselves), I've seen similar situations on here where a coworker/more distant friend/family member, has asked a bride or groom, "Hey, I know you're getting married at ABC Church next Sat.  I totally understand I don't have an invite, but would love to watch your ceremony, is that is okay?"

    However, if it is not in a public place, than don't invite unless you are inviting him to the reception also.  And then he/his parents can make the call for him to only attend the ceremony.


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I think since his mother has already said he will not be able to attend the reception for a myriad of reasons, you should give this cousin an invitation like everyone else and let them do exactly what they said they'd do (attend the ceremony and not the reception).
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would either invite the son to the ceremony and reception and let him and his parents sort out how much of the event he will attend and the logistics thereof, or tell your mom and the friend that her invitation is only for her and her husband and her son can't be accommodated at the wedding.

    But disabilities or no, it's very impolite to invite a guest to the ceremony only and not to the reception as well.

    SP29cowgirl8238
  • If he is invited to the ceremony, he should be invited to the entire event and then he and/or his parents can decide when it is most appropriate for him to leave.

    However, if your guest list is quite firm, do not feel obligated to invite him just because he/his mom/your mom asked. "Sorry but our guest list is already set and the invitation is only for you and Bob- hope you can make it!".

    Likewise- I can see how the sibling issue would be tricky. Generally speaking adults are their own invitation and are not tied to anyone else (except for SOs of course- but they are the "unit"), so you could invite him without his siblings, but I think it actuality, that may ruffle some feathers. Personally, I'd go all or none for the children.
  • If there were no other siblings involved, I'd say invite him to the entire event and let his parents decide whether it's manageable or not; after all, they know their son and the situation much better than you do. However, the fact that there are other kids in the house makes me think it might be better not to invite him. Yes, adults are generally their own social units, but when all the kids are still living at home, for whatever reason, those lines can get blurry for those involved. If you invite the disabled son but not his siblings, there could be some resentment. Therefore, if you are not willing or able to invite all of this couple's children (which is perfectly okay, by the way), then I don't think you can invite him. 

    image
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hi all,

    I've lurked for a long time, and I haven't come across this situation before, so I wanted to get some advice before responding to my mother.

    One of my mom's good friends is invited to our wedding --just her and her husband-- and she received a save the date.She has an adult son with disabilities, and he saw the save the date, and asked about the wedding. She told my mom he was asking about the wedding, so my mom came to
    me with a question about if I would be okay inviting him to the ceremony only.

    I don't know if my mom came up with the idea or if the friend asked, but I figure that could be addressed when I give her an answer. Personally, I'm fine with it, but I know it's not etiquette approved I don't necessarily want to get into the details why, but he would not be able to handle being at the reception (words of my mother and his mother). I can elaborate on that in a comment if needed.

    I know it would make him really happy to see the ceremony, he's never been to a wedding before, and he doesn't know exactly what it is. If we did invite him to the ceremony, I'd make sure to stop and hank him for coming before pictures right after the ceremony, and he'd travel with a PCA to the ceremony itself,  and leave afterwards.

    i know it's rude to invite someone to only the ceremony, but I don't know if this would be an okay exception. I'm thinking my moms friend asked my mom about it, so I'm guessing this was her idea, but I don't know for sure, and I guess I'm not sure if that matters.

    Any advice?

    i know this is kind of long, and if it doesn't make sense, I'll provide any clarification needed
    The number one rule about interacting with someone who is differently-abled is treat them the same way you would treat an able-bodied person. You said it yourself: you know it is rude to invite someone to a ceremony without a reception invite. Being disabled does not change this rule.

    If you invite them to the ceremony, they must be invited to the reception.

    Are you getting married in a church or public place? Because anyone is welcome to attend a wedding there. However, the minute you invite them is the minute you must invite them to the reception too. 
    Devil's advocate.  Take out the factor that this young man has a disability.  If your mom's friend asked to bring her adult son, what answer would you have given?
    lnixon8ei34
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