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Etiquette

Has Shower Etiquette Changed?

Hello!

I have a question for all of you who know much more etiquette than I do. At Thanksgiving, my Grandmother brought up questions about who I would like invited to the shower that my Aunt is throwing for me. I gave her and my Aunt a few names of friends that I would like, but other than that said I would probably have it stick to family. My Grandma brought up that my mother might like to have a few of her friends invited, and I said that was totally fine, provided that the number of people is within the realm of what my Aunt is willing/able to host, and that they are invited to the wedding.

My grandma expressed surprise at that statement and asked why, to which I told her its rude to invite someone to a shower to give me a gift if I'm not actually inviting them to the wedding. She told me that when she was growing up, you intentionally invited different people to the wedding than you did to the shower, so that they wouldn't feel obligated to give gifts for both events. I don't even remember how I responded to that, but I kind of brushed past it and emphasized that I was not okay with people being invited to the shower and not the wedding ( I also made sure all my aunts and my mother heard that, so no one gets any ideas).

My question: has anyone else heard of that? Did it used to be a thing? In a way, I get it, but at the same time, wouldn't you just split your gift budget and get two smaller things, or just not do one for the wedding. I can honestly see my grandma just making that up, but was wondering if it was an actual thing that we've moved past.

Thoughts?

Re: Has Shower Etiquette Changed?

  • Even if it was acceptable at one time to invite people to the shower but not the wedding (which I don't think it ever was), it's certainly not okay now; in fact, it's probably one of the worst etiquette violations. Grandma can say whatever she likes, but don't let her anywhere near the guest list!
    image
    InLoveInQueenscowgirl8238short+sassy
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2016


    My question: has anyone else heard of that? Did it used to be a thing? In a way, I get it, but at the same time, wouldn't you just split your gift budget and get two smaller things, or just not do one for the wedding. I can honestly see my grandma just making that up, but was wondering if it was an actual thing that we've moved past.

    Thoughts?
    You are correct. 
    To the bolded- that's exactly what I do when invited to both shower and wedding. The occasion is a person getting married. That warrants one gift budget regardless of how many times I'm invited to celebrate the event. 

    ETA: The exception I often see is like, church communities. The church members know full well they're not invited to the reception but love celebrating marriage so they throw a shower anyway. I don't really like the idea but it seems somewhat common. This happens with work too- employees just like to celebrate even if they're not invited. 
    ________________________________


    InLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • Interesting, I have never heard of that being an old-fashioned approach to holding a shower and obviously you already know it doesn't fly now.

    This does make me curious (not to jack your thread)- what is normal in other people's circles re: gift giving at shower and wedding? In my circle basically everyone who attended my shower (and even some who didn't) just got me a gift for that and not for the wedding itself. Is it more normal to get two smaller things for both?
  • Yes, shower etiquette has changed, but not in the way she is saying.  The only significant shift I am aware of is that the bride's family are now considered appropriate hosts for the event.  In the past this was considered improper since the bride "belonged" to her family until she passed to her husband, and soliciting gifts for a daughter was akin to soliciting gifts for oneself.   

    Interesting, I have never heard of that being an old-fashioned approach to holding a shower and obviously you already know it doesn't fly now.

    This does make me curious (not to jack your thread)- what is normal in other people's circles re: gift giving at shower and wedding? In my circle basically everyone who attended my shower (and even some who didn't) just got me a gift for that and not for the wedding itself. Is it more normal to get two smaller things for both?
    In my circle people tend to do two gifts, or maybe a physical gift at the shower and cash at the wedding.
    charlotte989875SP29CMGragaineileenrob
  • edited December 2016

    In my circle people tend to do two gifts, or maybe a physical gift at the shower and cash at the wedding.

    Same, around here (NYC and the general surrounding area) gift tables aren't even a thing, it's almost unheard of to bring/give a physical gift at/for a wedding, everyone just gives a card with a check/cash. Physical gifts are almost exclusively a shower thing.
    eileenrob
  • Interesting, I have never heard of that being an old-fashioned approach to holding a shower and obviously you already know it doesn't fly now.

    This does make me curious (not to jack your thread)- what is normal in other people's circles re: gift giving at shower and wedding? In my circle basically everyone who attended my shower (and even some who didn't) just got me a gift for that and not for the wedding itself. Is it more normal to get two smaller things for both?

    My circle (NY metro) is a physical gift for the shower and envelope with cash at the wedding.  A few of my PA friends gave boxed gifts to us after the wedding.
    charlotte989875eileenrob
  • Interesting, I have never heard of that being an old-fashioned approach to holding a shower and obviously you already know it doesn't fly now.

    This does make me curious (not to jack your thread)- what is normal in other people's circles re: gift giving at shower and wedding? In my circle basically everyone who attended my shower (and even some who didn't) just got me a gift for that and not for the wedding itself. Is it more normal to get two smaller things for both?
    I also think it may be a generational thing. I'm of the older generation. I usually give physical gifts for a wedding. I just like picking something out that the couple wants. Most people my daughter's age give money but I know a few did give them physical gifts. I give both shower and wedding gifts if I'm invited to the shower.
    short+sassy
  • We received mostly cash at our wedding, though a few people did give physical gifts. I have a friend (who is "younger"), who will only give physical gifts, ever.

    Usually what I have seen is physical gift for the shower, cash for the wedding, but I received a fair amount of cash gifts at my shower... but that is mainly how my family is.

    However, gifts are never required, thus there is no rule you have to do one or the other, or give twice- it is up to you.
  • Interesting, I have never heard of that being an old-fashioned approach to holding a shower and obviously you already know it doesn't fly now.

    This does make me curious (not to jack your thread)- what is normal in other people's circles re: gift giving at shower and wedding? In my circle basically everyone who attended my shower (and even some who didn't) just got me a gift for that and not for the wedding itself. Is it more normal to get two smaller things for both?
    I also think it may be a generational thing. I'm of the older generation. I usually give physical gifts for a wedding. I just like picking something out that the couple wants. Most people my daughter's age give money but I know a few did give them physical gifts. I give both shower and wedding gifts if I'm invited to the shower.

    It's also a cultural thing. Jewish and italian cultures (potentially some other Mediterranean cultures too, i've heard, I just don't belong to them so can't confirm). My parents (jews) have never given a physical gift for a wedding in their lives. My family also doesn't do showers where we sit around and watch someone opening gifts! I think my aunts would find a shower where gift watching was an activity very rude and strange. May just be my family and not the whole culture, but this is true for us. 
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