Feeling feelings is OK, acting on them probably won't get you far.
Dear Prudence,
My daughter was married a few months ago, and we recently found out that most of the relatives on my husband’s side of the family who attended did not give the couple a gift. Now, I know gifts are not supposed to be expected, and we were happy the family joined us to celebrate the happy occasion, but traditionally a gift would be given. We have attended the weddings of these relatives’ children. We always gave a gift for these weddings. These family members are well off, so that is not the problem. My husband is very embarrassed and hurt, and he is not sure if he should say something to his family. There is going to be a wedding on this side of the family next year for one of the cousins who came to our daughter’s wedding, and truthfully, I do not want to even attend. Do you have any advice for this situation?
—Disappointed In-Law
Re: Feeling feelings is OK, acting on them probably won't get you far.
It sucks, but what are you going to do? You. Cannot. Tell. People. How. To. Spend. Money.
Honestly though, we typically give something that is around $100 (or just give them cash) as a wedding gift. I'd probably not invest as much going forward for family gifts. No one would know, but I would feel some self satisfaction. Is it dickish? Yeah...oh fucking well.
Did these family members even thank bride and groom for coming? I'm wondering if they don't know manners ...
I'd go to the other wedding and give a small gift, like @mrsconn23
And I agree that gifts are expected, and I understand why. When you're raised in an environment where you are taught that you always bring a host/hostess gift to a formal dinner or party or holiday event- and that's really all a wedding reception is, a very overpriced party- then I can see where you'd expect ppl to be like mannered.
Maybe there was a valid reason why he couldn't come?
I don't typically send gifts to weddings I can't attend.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I do think it's hella rude to not give a gift. True, presents are never required, but it is a social obligation to give something when you attend an event that is considered to be a gift-giving occasion. A wedding falls into that category. (Virtually) No one is so poor that they can't afford a $5 hand towel from the registry. It's not about materialism, it really is the thought that counts. And it's thoughtless to not bother with a gift.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
The best thing to do is simply make a list of the gifts you did get, write a note a thanks to the giver and be happy with the gifts you got. Not everyone who came to our wedding gave gifts, but I have no idea if more came from my side, his side, or what have you, but making a list and comparing is definitely not a good idea.