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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Faithv9
member
Recent Death Overshadowing Wedding
My wedding is coming up on 01/01/2017. On December 3rd (2 weeks ago) my older brother passed away tragically in a motorcycle accident. He was only 24 and he was supposed to be one of the groomsmen. We have already decided against postponing the wedding due to how close it is and everything (flights, venue, honeymoon) being booked. All of my family is having a great attitude and really encouraging me but I am having a very hard time. I miss my brother so much that I feel like I won't even enjoy my own wedding.
Has anyone dealt with a close sibling dying right before their wedding? I know this is a long shot but I was hoping someone may have some advice for me on how to not let this terrible grief overwhelm my wedding day.
Re: Recent Death Overshadowing Wedding
I've never dealt with this situation myself, but you can have some subtle memorial gestures to remember your brother at your wedding, such as playing a special song in his memory, having food, drinks or decorations he would have liked, a tribute in a wedding program if you are having them, and appropriate prayers if your ceremony will be religious.
I would suggest avoiding overt "memorial" gestures such as "reserved" empty seats, candles or photo displays of your brother alone because they are likely to evoke more grief and pain. (A photo display that includes pictures of other relatives along with your brother would be subtle though).
I have to say that I agree with @eileenrob. Your brother will be on the minds of family and friends, so to pretend he is not would actually create more stress and sadness. Although difficult, I think it would be appropriate, if in natural conversation or events of the day, someone commented and said, "Oh, your brother would have loved that comment", or "I bet your brother is laughing at that comment". At the wedding of a friend, someone did make a very brief mention of a recently deceased family member in their toast. You could almost hear a collective sigh of relief that the "ice" had been broken. We spent a few additional moments speaking fondly of her, and then guests returned to present events and happy moments.
As hard as it is, life does indeed go on. It is natural to feel guilty, or sad, or reluctant to move forward. It is the appropriate thing to do, however. His loss would be felt regardless of when you married. Expect to feel his loss on your wedding day. You will not feel it throughout your day, however. The happiness of your day will lift you. Embrace all the moments of your day.
ETA: @Faithv9, when you post a thread on more than one board, it is helpful to include "XP" in your title so responders know not to duplicate their answers on the boards.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I wasn't in the exact same situation, but had a similar experience dealing with grief at my wedding. My grandmother was dying in the hospital at the time of my wedding (she had been hospitalized for 3 weeks, had been getting better on and off, but it was clear to us a few days before the wedding she wouldn't be coming home). We canceled our honeymoon because there was no way I was going to leave the country for a week knowing she didn't have much time left, but that absolutely broke her heart. She really wanted us to continue on with all of our plans like normal, so we proceeded with the wedding even though I wanted to postpone.
I won't lie, there was a decent portion of my wedding day that I really didn't enjoy. I just wanted to be able to spend time with my grandma and grieve, but I didn't feel it was fair to my guests to cry in the corner so I put on a happy face and was a gracious host. I had absolutely amazing photographers that were able to capture some true moments of joy, though- our first look, first dance, laughing with friends. They also captured some moments where you could tell that I was upset (dealing with an officiant who didn't understand the paperwork, overly drunken friends who I couldn't deal with). I couldn't see it at the time (or for a few weeks after), but there were definitely stretches during the wedding where I was genuinely happy and not focused on my grandma. The day doesn't rank as one of the best days of my life, but it is the day I married my husband and a day I threw a really good party for my friends and family, and we've been happily married for more than 3 years now. My husband's aunt actually just mentioned last week what an awesome wedding we had, and that fills me with a lot of pride and helps improve my memories of the wedding as a whole.
The guests who knew what was going on for the most part used it as an occasion to celebrate my grandma- as PP mentioned, talking about how much she would have liked certain things, sharing funny stories about her. I wanted a piece of her with me that day, so I changed my jewelry plans at the last second to include a necklace that had been passed down through her family (it looked pretty terrible with everything else to be honest, but it didn't matter because of the memories behind the necklace). We kept things subtle because we didn't want things to turn into a memorial service.
All of that is to say, even though there might be times during the day that you miss your brother terribly, I think you will still be able to make good memories. *big internet hugs*
I agree with the above advice. I totally understand wanting to acknowledge the loss of your brother on your wedding day, and I think you should. However, whatever you decide to do should focus on your love for your brother and celebrating him, not on the fact that he is gone. It's totally natural that you and your family will feel some sadness that day, but give yourself the chance to remember him with a smile.
That being said, while it's still important to be a good hostess and all, don't be too hard on yourself if you find you aren't the most cheerful, bubbly bride on your wedding day. Nobody will expect that of you.
This is great advice.
I can't add much to this other than agreeing with the PPs above.
Also, I am sorry for the loss of someone so close to you. All the hugs are belong to you today!
Can you "reserve" a portion of your morning together with your parents to do...whatever? Cry, eat his favorite cereal, take a walk, mimosa/bloody mary toast about your favorite memories of you and your brother?
I will agree with PPs about the subtle reminders of your brother; a song he liked, maybe his favorite drink, if you've still got time to incorporate something he enjoyed into the decor, etc. Allow yourself to grieve and don't try to hide your feelings. Most of your guests should more than understand.
I had a friend years ago whose father passed way not long before his wedding and they went a little overboard with the memorials. I remember his mom dancing with the urn of his father's ashes, and things got very uncomfortable.
The important thing to remember is "Your wedding is not Memorial Service 2.0" We (on the boards) typically recommend working something of your brother's(tie) or a charm picture into your bouquet or a special arrangement commemorating people who've passed on both the bride/groom's sides for ceremony flowers. Think of your wedding as a transition time from mourning into honoring his life by living it to the fullest. He'll be there with you in spirit on your wedding day in a unique way and will send you a subtle sign to let you know he's there with you. Most of all, use your wedding as a chance to relax from the challenges you've been experiencing and "shut off" the pain for a few hours of healing.
I put that out there just to offer the encouragement to allow yourself to feel the sadness for your brother, even missing him at the wedding, , but also remember the joy of your engagement and the original reason for planning the wedding. I agree with PPs, don't force it either way. Enjoy your day and remember that your brother would want you to have the happiest day ever.