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Wedding Woes

The 'b-b-b-ut I don't want to *leave* him!!!ONE!!' 4 men

Dear Prudence,
My husband suffers from anxiety, anger, and probably depression. All of it is untreated, and that will probably never change as he refuses counseling. He has a quick temper, and he can get stuck on my mistakes for hours. He brings up things from my past if they’re relevant to whatever I’ve done in the present. I have no choice but to sit there and take it.

As a result, I’ve told some white lies and tiptoed around him about certain things. Honestly, I do it for my sanity and his well-being. What he doesn’t know truly doesn’t hurt him. Except this time I accidentally paid a bill twice, and I’m trying to cover it up. There’s a 50/50 chance I’ll get caught and get another hours-long lecture, so I can’t even sleep until this is resolved. He’s going to be even more mad that I hid it from him, but if I’d been honest from the start, nothing would be different. I’ve tried solo counseling, but all the strategies I was given don’t work because he’s not changing. And nothing I did do made him respond any differently in the long term. My guess is that you’ll probably tell me to leave him, but I’d really rather not do that. Other options?

—I’m the Liar

Re: The 'b-b-b-ut I don't want to *leave* him!!!ONE!!' 4 men

  • Other options? Continue to be a doormat? That's about the only thing I can think of. 

    There's no hope here if he's not willing to change. I hope LW sees that soon because this treatment nobody deserves.

    This is exactly what I felt as well.  While it is nice to want to stand by someone through a difficult time in their life, there is only so long one can be treated this way.  I think they both need counseling, separately and then together.  If he isn't willing, then LW should move on.
  • Okay so a bit of personal part to help. My dad suffered from anxiety and depression long before he got his head injury. Temper is triggered from anxiety typically. When he was having a hard time {both anxiety and depression flare ups} he would be set off by the smallest thing and stay on it foreverrrrrr ....
    After his head injury, it was worse.

    He also refused counseling - which doesn't help - but my mum took counseling to understand what he was going through and learn how to deal with it on her side. My mum was definitely stronger and could "fight back" when the tempers flared.

    When he was calm, they would be able to finally talk, see what the ACTUAL issue is/was and he eventually went to the dr to see about medication. The meds - although it was awhile to figure out the right mix for him - worked wonderfully.
    My dad was naturally a good person, but some people need the medication for help.


    Now I'm thinking that LW needs to look on this point of view. Seek counseling to learn about his situation and how to handle it, and see if spouse will go to dr for medication to assist the issue. If he doesn't, then that's his issue, but in this situation in order to help him, she needs to help herself.
    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Okay so a bit of personal part to help. My dad suffered from anxiety and depression long before he got his head injury. Temper is triggered from anxiety typically. When he was having a hard time {both anxiety and depression flare ups} he would be set off by the smallest thing and stay on it foreverrrrrr ....
    After his head injury, it was worse.

    He also refused counseling - which doesn't help - but my mum took counseling to understand what he was going through and learn how to deal with it on her side. My mum was definitely stronger and could "fight back" when the tempers flared.

    When he was calm, they would be able to finally talk, see what the ACTUAL issue is/was and he eventually went to the dr to see about medication. The meds - although it was awhile to figure out the right mix for him - worked wonderfully.
    My dad was naturally a good person, but some people need the medication for help.


    Now I'm thinking that LW needs to look on this point of view. Seek counseling to learn about his situation and how to handle it, and see if spouse will go to dr for medication to assist the issue. If he doesn't, then that's his issue, but in this situation in order to help him, she needs to help herself.
    What would your mom have done if your dad had refused any treatment? 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • @DrillSergeantCat  He did for awhile because he was undiagnosed. He started self-medicating, which is when we learned about his issues.
    Before even trying to broach the topic, she went to the mental health clinic in our area to learn as much as she could. Not just to help him, but to help me in the future {genetics are a bitch}

    It took awhile for him to realize he needed help, and it kind of took a point that put him over the edge that my mum had to sit him down to explain why he should get help. It had to be for him, but she wanted him to "show me that it wasn't anything to hide from"
    It's not an easy road at all, but I'm not sure what would have happened if he didn't. My mum is strong but I'm not sure how strong she could be continuously.
    DrillSergeantCatshort+sassy
  • @PrettyGirlLost  Unfortunately he has passed away since {2 1/2 yrs ago} but he had to learn what his anxiety 'triggers' were in order to learn how to cope with them. 
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @PrettyGirlLost  Unfortunately he has passed away since {2 1/2 yrs ago} but he had to learn what his anxiety 'triggers' were in order to learn how to cope with them. 
    Aw I'm sorry.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    MissKittyDanger
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    @PrettyGirlLost  Unfortunately he has passed away since {2 1/2 yrs ago} but he had to learn what his anxiety 'triggers' were in order to learn how to cope with them. 
    I think where the difference lies between your father and LW's husband is that your dad eventually recognized he needed to change. In LW's husband's case, he's currently adamant that he's fine and doesn't need to change anything. I think she's going to have to shock his system by leaving or, at minimum, threatening to leave if his behavior doesn't change. 
    PrettyGirlLostSP29
  • @PrettyGirlLost  Unfortunately he has passed away since {2 1/2 yrs ago} but he had to learn what his anxiety 'triggers' were in order to learn how to cope with them. 
    I think where the difference lies between your father and LW's husband is that your dad eventually recognized he needed to change. In LW's husband's case, he's currently adamant that he's fine and doesn't need to change anything. I think she's going to have to shock his system by leaving or, at minimum, threatening to leave if his behavior doesn't change. 
    Unfortunately I feel like might be the biggest issue :( I'm wondering if LW's husband would listen to a dr if he went though ...
  • @PrettyGirlLost  Unfortunately he has passed away since {2 1/2 yrs ago} but he had to learn what his anxiety 'triggers' were in order to learn how to cope with them. 
    Aw I'm sorry.
    Thanks, it wasn't his illness related.
  • I'm not sure what the LW is after here.   She has to stop trying to change herself to please him.   Stand up and do something.   If he won't change then you need to make your voice heard.   There isn't a pill for this.  
    DrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueenskimmiinthemitten
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    I'm not sure what the LW is after here.   She has to stop trying to change herself to please him.   Stand up and do something.   If he won't change then you need to make your voice heard.   There isn't a pill for this.  
    Well there is, but she's not the one that will benefit from taking it.

    It sounded like she was hoping Prudie had a solution for her other than that she should leave him :/  I do feel badly for her, it's a tough situation.  But like Varuna said, "if he were working on things, that's different.  But he's not, and at some point, you are allowed to save yourself. "



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    SP29
  • It's always sad to read this kind of letter or hear this type of story.  As much as people like to try and like to hope, you can't change others.  Especially if they don't want to change.  You can only change your reaction to others. 

    We all see the writing on the wall.  I think in her heart she sees it to.  Eventually, it will be too much, and she will leave.  However, she isn't to that place yet.  And she will suffer for longer...maybe years longer...until she gets there.  But that's the journey she needs to take until she sees there is no more hope. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    kimmiinthemittenPrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueens
  • Ah yes, another "Dear Prudie, I am an adult in a bad situation and won't stand up for myself or leave because that's hard. Please give me magic words to make it all go away".

    charlotte989875PrettyGirlLostmrsconn23InLoveInQueens
  • Hey girly! 
    I'll be 100% honest, I did not read any comments that replied to you, so I could give you my personal advice! 
    It may seem like the easiest thing to leave him, but I had a lot of built up anger and I would accidentally take it out on my fiance when I first started living on my own with him. I had many growing pains and struggled with "adulting" so I did not know how to get my anger out, but I was doing it in the wrong ways.
    There ARE reasons he acts the way he acts. 
    Be sure you are doing things he likes, even if you do not like it.
    Vise Versa with him, he needs to do stuff you like, even if he does not like it. But find a common interest you two can do together and bond over.
    Relationships are a full-time job, not everyone realizes how much work it truly is.

    Sit down and talk to him and BOTH OF YOU need to take all of your emotions out of the conversation and let each other know what is bothering one another. It will be really hard at first, you may scream and yell, but at least try and talk before you end your forever.
    Remember you fell in love with him for a reason!
    OliveOilsMom
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Ro041 said:
    ppgbeb said:
    Hey girly! 
    I'll be 100% honest, I did not read any comments that replied to you, so I could give you my personal advice! 
    It may seem like the easiest thing to leave him, but I had a lot of built up anger and I would accidentally take it out on my fiance when I first started living on my own with him. I had many growing pains and struggled with "adulting" so I did not know how to get my anger out, but I was doing it in the wrong ways.
    There ARE reasons he acts the way he acts. 
    Be sure you are doing things he likes, even if you do not like it.
    Vise Versa with him, he needs to do stuff you like, even if he does not like it. But find a common interest you two can do together and bond over.
    Relationships are a full-time job, not everyone realizes how much work it truly is.

    Sit down and talk to him and BOTH OF YOU need to take all of your emotions out of the conversation and let each other know what is bothering one another. It will be really hard at first, you may scream and yell, but at least try and talk before you end your forever.
    Remember you fell in love with him for a reason!
    You probably should have read the comments before you replied....the letter writer (LW) didn't make this post.  The OP copied it from Dear Prudence (which is why it starts with Dear Prudence).  So, the LW will not read your advice.  

    As an aside, I do not believe that it is good advice to "be sure you are doing things he likes, even if you do not like it."  A relationship does not mean that I have to do things I don't enjoy to appease my partner.  In exchange, I can't expect my partner to do things he hates just to appease me.  I have friends to go to craft fairs with, KWIM?
    Right on, @Roo41.
    Ro041
  • ppgbebppgbeb member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2016
    Ro041 said:
    ppgbeb said:
    Hey girly! 
    I'll be 100% honest, I did not read any comments that replied to you, so I could give you my personal advice! 
    It may seem like the easiest thing to leave him, but I had a lot of built up anger and I would accidentally take it out on my fiance when I first started living on my own with him. I had many growing pains and struggled with "adulting" so I did not know how to get my anger out, but I was doing it in the wrong ways.
    There ARE reasons he acts the way he acts. 
    Be sure you are doing things he likes, even if you do not like it.
    Vise Versa with him, he needs to do stuff you like, even if he does not like it. But find a common interest you two can do together and bond over.
    Relationships are a full-time job, not everyone realizes how much work it truly is.

    Sit down and talk to him and BOTH OF YOU need to take all of your emotions out of the conversation and let each other know what is bothering one another. It will be really hard at first, you may scream and yell, but at least try and talk before you end your forever.
    Remember you fell in love with him for a reason!
    You probably should have read the comments before you replied....the letter writer (LW) didn't make this post.  The OP copied it from Dear Prudence (which is why it starts with Dear Prudence).  So, the LW will not read your advice.  

    As an aside, I do not believe that it is good advice to "be sure you are doing things he likes, even if you do not like it."  A relationship does not mean that I have to do things I don't enjoy to appease my partner.  In exchange, I can't expect my partner to do things he hates just to appease me.  I have friends to go to craft fairs with, KWIM?
    I have never head of this "Dear Prudence" it is my second day on The Knot Community.Even if it was not just based in The Knot, I have not heard of any of this before. Can someone explain to me what dear prudence is..? Also what is an OP? I thought I was helping someone in a tough position, obviously lol

    I'm saying for instance, I do not love going to football games, but I will go and make it enjoyable if my fiance likes it, even though I do not like football. Just like my fiance does not like shopping but he will go shopping with me because he loves me. 

    I never said a relationship is about doing things to appease your partner... I was suggesting trying what your partner likes even if you do not like it. Why? Because you may like it.. Period. Do not read in-between the lines y'all!

    Why would I suggest that? Because I have personal experience with this, I hated cars, now I love doing car stuff with my man. He hated artsy stuff, now he loves doing artsy stuff with me. 

    Sure, you have friends, but your husband is your forever, unlike friends.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Dear Prudence is like Dear Abby, but with crazier issues.

    http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence.html
  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2016
    ETA: Oops. Wrong thread. Carry on.

    thefanciestbeckler
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