Oh gah, this is so, so personal.
*tw* Baby loss discussed.
Dear Prudence,
After years of trying, a few months ago I found out I am pregnant. I am older than most first-time moms, so they have done testing on my baby to make sure things are OK, and they are not. My baby has a rare chromosomal disorder and will not survive very long after birth. The baby has severe defects, and I worry about the quality of life for the baby’s time with me. One of the options I have been given is to terminate my pregnancy. I feel this would be the best for the baby, but morally I am having a hard time deciding to do this. I support the right to choose, but an abortion is something I never would have considered for myself. I am in therapy, but I am so conflicted. Any advice on how to make a good decision and then make peace with it?
—Living Nightmare
Re: Oh gah, this is so, so personal.
I hope this doesn't come across as callous, but it is the best analogy I could think of.
We, as a society, have decided it is okay to put our pets down when their quality of life has deteriorated to a point where they are in constant pain and miserable. It is considered a kindness. Yet, we don't extend that kindness to ourselves.
Not to mention all the anti-abortion, "evil moms killing their babies" sentiment that some people have. And here is a poor woman, in an impossible situation, with that societal guilt probably weighing on her, to some extent, also.
I can very well understand her desire to have whatever time she can have with her infant. But if that is at the cost of the baby knowing nothing but pain in its short life, I don't think that is the right decision.
Back to my pet analogy. I love both my puppy girl and kitty girl to pieces. But if one of them developed cancer, was in constant pain, and had given up on life, it would be selfish of me to keep them alive to the very end...just because I wanted to spend more time with them.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't judge this woman either way! Her situation is nothing but heartbreaking, especially for someone who has been trying for years to become pregnant. But, if in her heart she knows that terminating the pregnancy is what is best of the baby, I hope she finds a way to reconcile that with her own feelings. I'm glad she is in therapy.
I have no idea what I'd do in that situation but I think having as much information to make the decision is a good place to start.
They all pretty much said it was excruciating and emotionally draining to pretend everything was normal and fine when someone would exclaim, "Congratulations! You must be so excited!"
Many were relieved in a way to miscarry. It's all very heart wrenching to read.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Amniocentesis is 98%-99% accurate, and I assume that's what the LW had. Plus, if the baby already has developmental defects in utero that are showing up on ultrasounds and are classified as severe, I'd say whatever diagnosis she was given is likely correct.
Whatever the exact cause of the defects, (I suspect Trisomy 18) a genetic counselor would be able to let her know what her child's chances for survival are, what kind of complications and care the child will need if it survives, what the child's quality of life will be like, what the parents' quality of life will be like, etc. That info could help her make a decision, along with talking to a support group specific to her child's specific defect, like you suggested.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
One of my previous co-workers was in the same situation. Trisomy 18. She decided to abort. The whole thing was devastating all around. She was excitedly telling her friends and family about her pregnancy when she hit the 12 week mark (she had been trying for awhile as well), but then found out about the genetic testing results at 15 weeks after further investigation due to something found on a routine ultrasound. Devastating to find out those results, to have to "go back" on all of her earlier excitement and tell everyone the news, and then to make the decision and move on from there. She did become pregnant again (fortunately a healthy baby- her second son). But she kept her entire pregnancy very hush-hush and struggled with allowing herself to feel excited because she was so afraid of the possibility that the pregnancy could be anything other than healthy.
I very much agree with your pet analogy @short+sassy. Being involved in that realm, as well as working in a hospital, has shaped how I view this issue, so I know what side I fall on. Of course no one ever truly knows what they'd do until they are in that position. Speaking of animals, I had to put down my beloved 19 year old cat almost 2 years ago now. My regret was that I should have done it sooner- did I keep him alive too long selfishly hoping he'd get better? (his onset of illness and euthanasia occurred in less than a week).
But hindsight is 20/20, and you can only make a decision based on the information you have available to you at the time in the frame of mind your are in.
I'm pretty sure that I know what I would do in her shoes, and DK's opinion as well, but it's something that the mother (and father, if in the picture) need to discuss ans get to a point where they can live with their choice - they can seek help from therapists, religious counselors, support groups, friends, family, etc. and should make an informed decision but ultimately it's the parent(s) choice to make.
I don't condemn anyone who can't find the strength to do what needs to be done. It's not my place to condemn. Navigating issues of life and death and guilt is HARD. But in the end, I think it's kind of fucked up to deliberately leave your child to die in agony instead of acting to prevent that.