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Wedding Woes
DrillSergeantCat
member
Open Relationship
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,
I have been with my husband for 10 years, but we have always been mismatched sexually. We have a good life together, I love him, and want to stay together both for his sake and our child’s. However, I need more than half-hearted sex once a year, after begging and prancing around in expensive lingerie for months. I have talked about this with my husband probably every year since we got together; I’ve cried, asked for counseling, tried to do what he wants, but I get nothing. There’s very little physical affection in our relationship, and I have to believe that this is all he’s capable of. This past summer, it became clear that a good friend and I have serious chemistry. He is in a similar situation at home, and we have discussed the idea of a mutually beneficial, strictly sexual relationship. It would allow us both some relief. I considered discussing this with my husband, but I think he would react badly. I have no desire to remain celibate for the rest of my life, which seems to be what my husband wants. This seems like a reasonable solution. It gives me hope. I realize there’s a possibility of harming those I love, but I believe it is minimal. Am I crazy?
—Sanity-Restoring Affair
I have been with my husband for 10 years, but we have always been mismatched sexually. We have a good life together, I love him, and want to stay together both for his sake and our child’s. However, I need more than half-hearted sex once a year, after begging and prancing around in expensive lingerie for months. I have talked about this with my husband probably every year since we got together; I’ve cried, asked for counseling, tried to do what he wants, but I get nothing. There’s very little physical affection in our relationship, and I have to believe that this is all he’s capable of. This past summer, it became clear that a good friend and I have serious chemistry. He is in a similar situation at home, and we have discussed the idea of a mutually beneficial, strictly sexual relationship. It would allow us both some relief. I considered discussing this with my husband, but I think he would react badly. I have no desire to remain celibate for the rest of my life, which seems to be what my husband wants. This seems like a reasonable solution. It gives me hope. I realize there’s a possibility of harming those I love, but I believe it is minimal. Am I crazy?
—Sanity-Restoring Affair
Re: Open Relationship
She needs to come clean to the husband. No amount of skirting around this issue is going to help. For her, sex and physical touches are NEEDS in the relationship.
I think that she's made up the possibility in her head that this friend and she can have a no strings attached relationship. She's delusional if she thinks that such a possibility comes with no other complications.
LW needs to be clear that the lack of sex physical touch is a deal breaker. And hopefully the spouse is open to counseling. It may even be a hormonal issue for him - but for the sake of the relationship, I find it troubling that she hasn't laid all her cards on the table about it first.
This was one of the biggest issues in my former marriage. I still cannot believe the damage done to my psyche from the lack of physical affection (I mean, just getting him to touch me in a hug or kiss had to be asked for) and constant rejection. It's a helluva lot to work through and just when I think I'm getting better, something rears it's head.
Husband might be asexual and that's totally fine, LW still has needs that need to be met. And if husband is unwilling to do it (and it sounds like from her letter he is), she absolutely has the right to take care of herself. *I* would say leave the marriage b/c it's not going to get better probably, but everyone has their own journey to work through.
And honestly? Even if DH and I had a kid, I still would've left. I thought about that so much, b/c I'd either be raising someone who behaved like DH or me in that relationship. And I wasn't going to do that to a small human. No way, no how.
As for LW, this is odd to me too. This isn't a new issue. She settled for her H for some reason.
LW hasn't said "I told him this is a deal breaker" yet. But I think she needs to.
It's the skirting around a possible affair that makes me wonder if she's so deprived that she's thinking that what she reads in romance novels are possible.
At the time, I believed I was still in love with ex-DH and that he just wasn't capable of giving me what I needed (I believed at the time he might be asexual), but was otherwise a good partner, and that we were only going to make it if we had an open relationship. Ex-DH decided this wasn't an acceptable solution (he finally went to a damn therapist when this was blowing up and then the therapist that told him his happiness should be the most important thing to him. I told him,"Your effin' happiness has been all that's been considered for the past 4 years!!!). He gave me an ultimatum and, b/c I didn't believe he would change (he had promised before) and I was now no longer interested in hanging around to find out if he would or not (because I didn't believe him), I accepted his ultimatum and left. I was finished with talking, with trying to get ex-DH to the doctor (he did have low testerone, but refused to take the medication for it), with trying to get him to therapy, and being starved for affection. I was just finished.
In a painfully funny sidenote: I never did sleep with that person. I basically stopped dating them the moment I moved into my new apartment. I've since apologized to that person, b/c it's obvious I unknowingly used them to save myself. They forgave me and are still a good friend. The attraction died literally the moment I was free.
So glad you got out, and that you're able to share.
FWIW I have friends in an open marriage but my understanding is that they're BOTH open about it and it's with a mutual understanding. I don't think it works when it's open for one person's benefit.
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2016/12/dear_prudence_i_was_accused_of_thinking_all_hispanic_women_look_alike.html
I just can't imagine telling H or H essentially telling me "I want you to let me sleep with other people but I'm not going to let you." I could never do and I don't want to do an open relationship, but I would think in order for one to be fair and reduce chances for problems in the relationship, it has to be open on both sides, even if one party doesn't take advantage of it as often.
Maybe this chemistry can be the affirmation LW needs to know that she can find a relationship with someone she likes and wants to be sexually active with.
Honestly, I have to think that having an open relationship (or being polyam, or whatever you want to call it) isn't going to work if you're doing it because something's broken in your current relationship. H and I are technically polyamorous - we've talked a lot about it, but there hasn't been an actual additional relationship yet - and we didn't get into it because one of us doesn't want sex. I don't see how there's any way to have that conversation - "I need a hall pass because you're frigid" - that won't sound exactly that hurtful and awful.