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Wedding Etiquette Forum
klj1122
member
Grey Area Between 'Elopement' and 'Destination Wedding'?
Hello folks. This is my first post. Thanks for a great forum. I've been lurking here for months and there's a ton of excellent advice here.
After two and a half years of being engaged, much humming and hawing, family drama, many crying spells and anxiety attacks on my part, FI and I are 95% decided that we're just going to fly to Vegas for a fun little wedding and built-in honeymoon, for half of what it would have cost us for even a cheap "normal" wedding back home. I could even pay for it today with what I have saved up. (Thanks for your site, vegasgroom! Very helpful!) This has been an enormous sense of relief for me; I'm actually excited for my wedding instead of dreading it.
So, we're not decided on a date, and it won't be a secret or private, but we know most of our guests won't be able to make it. My basic question is, how do you decide to whom to send invites to your wedding when you know they can't make it, or you're just not that close to them that you'd expect them to hop on a plane for you? Do you just pare the invite list down to closest friends and family? There were 75 on our original list, and quite a few were in that category of "people who would have come if it was local, but don't know us well enough to invest in a vacation for us." I guess I just feel guilty for sending frivolous invites when we're in our 40s and already established in our home. It feels like we'd be asking for gifts. We aren't. We just want everyone to know that they'd be more than welcome to show up for the wedding. (And if enough showed up, heck, we'd shell out for a small reception, but the odds of that are remote.
)
Thanks for letting me think out loud.
After two and a half years of being engaged, much humming and hawing, family drama, many crying spells and anxiety attacks on my part, FI and I are 95% decided that we're just going to fly to Vegas for a fun little wedding and built-in honeymoon, for half of what it would have cost us for even a cheap "normal" wedding back home. I could even pay for it today with what I have saved up. (Thanks for your site, vegasgroom! Very helpful!) This has been an enormous sense of relief for me; I'm actually excited for my wedding instead of dreading it.
So, we're not decided on a date, and it won't be a secret or private, but we know most of our guests won't be able to make it. My basic question is, how do you decide to whom to send invites to your wedding when you know they can't make it, or you're just not that close to them that you'd expect them to hop on a plane for you? Do you just pare the invite list down to closest friends and family? There were 75 on our original list, and quite a few were in that category of "people who would have come if it was local, but don't know us well enough to invest in a vacation for us." I guess I just feel guilty for sending frivolous invites when we're in our 40s and already established in our home. It feels like we'd be asking for gifts. We aren't. We just want everyone to know that they'd be more than welcome to show up for the wedding. (And if enough showed up, heck, we'd shell out for a small reception, but the odds of that are remote.
)Thanks for letting me think out loud.
Re: Grey Area Between 'Elopement' and 'Destination Wedding'?
Maybe think about it this way; if you're going to have a small, intimate wedding ceremony who are the people that you want there? Invite those people if that's the type of ceremony and reception you want. If you want a larger gathering in Vegas then invite the 75 people, knowing many won't make it.
Basicially there's no right (or wrong) number here. Invite the people you really want there and leave it up to them if they want to attend. Don't make the decision for them by not inviting them.
Good luck with your planning.
It is up to the two of you to decide if you'd like to invite guests or not. If you don't, you can always send wedding announcements after to let people know you were married.
I agree that you should invite who you want there- let them make the decision regarding whether they attend or not.
And yes, anyone who attends the ceremony should be thanked for doing so (aka. the reception). This can be as simple as dinner at a restaurant to your more traditional receptions.
I couldn't bold. But I personally disagree with a "cake and punch" reception being okay for outside a meal time for a destination wedding. Destination = bride/groom/and all/most guests are traveling.
I guess technically it is still within etiquette but, seriously? If a bridal couple chooses to get married in Vegas or on a beach in the Bahamas, and their family and friends take planes and have multi-night hotel stays to witness the ceremony, the bridal couple needs to have a reception with meals and drinks (not necessarily alcoholic).
That little rant was not directed at the OP or at @ILoveBeachMusic, but I just had to give a "hell no", lol.
With that said, back to OP. It's really up to you all. There's nothing wrong with having a private ceremony with no guests. But, if you would like to invite people, keep in mind you will have to have a properly hosted reception for those in attendance. Now, especially if you keep your guest list small, this could be as simple as reserving a table or a room at a restaurant and treating everyone to lunch or dinner (depending on the time of your ceremony).
If it were me and I wanted to invite some people, I would probably pare my list down to VIPs. Especially since one of the advantages you talk about for Vegas is the savings. Whoever can go, great. If no one can go, that's fine also. Even if someone has told you they won't go, send them an invite once you have your dates/details finalized. Let them decide, once they have the invitation.
Don't invite your original guest list of 75 people if you all are not fully prepared to host every single person if they all decide to come. You really never know. And you don't want to suddenly find yourself shelling out even more money than if you all had just stayed home for your ceremony/reception.
As an aside, my friend's son had a destination wedding in the Dominican Republic. They had 60 guests travel there.
Oh! Quick comment on the title of the post.
I see elopements and destination weddings as totally different entities. Sure, a couple can elope after traveling to somewhere else. But they can also elope in their hometown. And a destination wedding can be anything from just the bridal couple to a huge gala affair with 200+ guests.
A lot of people get this confused. Many people call their wedding an elopement when it is, in fact, a private wedding.
Where the wedding is held has nothing to do with whether it's a private wedding or an elopement. Either one can occur in a far off destination, in your own hometown, or somewhere in between.
ETA: As for guests, I'd go ahead and invite them if I wanted them there. They are free to decline if they are unable to make it.
I do agree that a cake and punch reception would not be appropriate here. If people have put out the expense and time to go to your destination wedding, you need to serve them a full meal no matter what time the ceremony is.
Private Wedding - just the couple (no guests, but not secret)
Small/Medium/Large Wedding - couple & any number of guests
Destination Wedding - any of the above but the event takes place somewhere other than where the couple lives
OP, this has absolutely nothing to do with you, in case you get confused. Congrats to you, I have nothing to add that hasn't been said already, just had to make the joke.
I didn't have a good time, mainly because I felt like I was responsible for everyone else having a good time. I was exhausted and cranky even after my guests left (we were married on a Friday and most of our guests stayed through Sunday).
So my BTDT advice is for it to just be the two of you. It won't really be an elopement in the true sense of the word though because it sounds like most people know about your plans. It will just be a private destination wedding.
Oh boy. This is an important thing for me to consider. I'm exactly like that: there's no way I'd have a good time if I felt like I had to "host" everyone for five straight days. I'm picturing insomnia (both of us have a hard time with this) and then unwanted 6:30 am phonecalls, "so when are we going to breakfast?" LOL.
Pick a location, time, and place, invite people, and host them appropriately according to the time/place. It doesn't matter to me if you're getting married in Boston or rural Louisiana or Las Vegas or Bermuda--your job is to host people from the start of the ceremony until the end of the reception. If people want to (or need to) be at the city/town longer than just the wedding, that's up to them.
It's NICE if you make an effort to have a "welcome" the night before and a brunch the morning after if you know a lot of people are traveling, but it's totally not necessary. If people don't want to come to your wedding they won't come. You don't have to pay for, or be responsible for, people's vacations just because you are getting married someplace they need to fly to.
A little more background: FI and I are in the Toronto area. We're both very introverted and don't have any BFFs; just acquaintances. Both of my parents are immigrants, and my mom died a few years ago, so there exactly 2 (two) guests I'd really want to attend the ceremony on my side: my dad and my brother, who both would have loved to travel to Vegas. My mom's relatives would be the next 'tier' of invitees, and we're not close, plus they're not close with each other. This was the "family drama" aspect of things.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, FI has 9 (nine) siblings, and coworkers that are like family to both of us (I have no close coworkers.) But, FI also has an anxiety disorder worse than mine. Crowds, people-pleasing and guilt are overwhelming for both of us. Geographically, his sibs are pretty spread out all over the place (Canada is big!) He's one of the younger ones (we're in our 40s) and everyone is busy with families of their own. That's why we were considering just flying off to Vegas (if you think a DW is rude.)
So, we basically have a choice between a huge wedding or a tiny one. Even "immediate family only" will be pretty sizable.
I would have LOVED the Vegas wedding. I love traveling. ...but we just had a wonderful Xmas get-together with his family, and for the first time, I felt accepted by them more than I felt like I had to "measure up" or impress anyone. They're wonderful, down-to-earth people and I had a real change of heart about wanting to run away from it all for the wedding. We talked about it, and FI sort of clarified how much traveling, or just being out of his element, stresses him out and triggers bad anxiety. I'm sure he would have done the Vegas thing to "make me happy", but I certainly wouldn't have been happy if he was miserable.
Of course if you just meant your parents' or siblings' significant others (SO) they do need to be invited.
Good luck with your plans! People-pleasing can be a huge stressor, but as pps have mentioned your hosting duties are for the day-of only!
OP, you and your FI need to figure out what kind of wedding you want then figure out your guest list.
For instance, there is conflicting case law in PA regarding online ordinations, and according to the Universal Life Church website there's only one county in PA where their ordinations are accepted. I believe PA also has residency requirements for the person conducting the ceremony.
I'd suggest talking to the county clerk in the county you will be getting your marriage license to make sure using an online ordained minister is valid.
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