Pre-wedding Parties

Cancel the Bach party and shower?

I am having an EXTREMELY hard time with my bridal party..and friends in general. I'm the last of my friends, for the most part, to get married. So I've heard the horror stories on BM's from each bride. I made everything super easy by paying for their dresses and making sure dates and locations were super convenient.
To start with the bachelorette trip- I have cancelled it. I am finishing the wedding planning (Feb 4 wedding date) & I just don't have time to plan a bachelorette on top of that. My BM's are doing nothing. When I cancelled the idea of one, they all gave me the "it's your wedding, do what you want to do". I just told them that I was too busy. 
Second, I want to cancel my bridal shower. I sent out 30 invites and have received no RSVP's. I'm just sad and embarrassed. What should I do?

Re: Cancel the Bach party and shower?

  • The only horror story I'm hearing is a bride throwing her own parties.  Definitely smart to cancel.  If any of your BMs (or anyone) chooses to throw you a pre-wedding party, they'll ask you for dates that work and guest lists.  That should be the absolute maximum of your involvement.
    DrillSergeantCatHeffalump
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2016
    I am having an EXTREMELY hard time with my bridal party..and friends in general. I'm the last of my friends, for the most part, to get married. So I've heard the horror stories on BM's from each bride. I made everything super easy by paying for their dresses and making sure dates and locations were super convenient.
    To start with the bachelorette trip- I have cancelled it. I am finishing the wedding planning (Feb 4 wedding date) & I just don't have time to plan a bachelorette on top of that. My BM's are doing nothing. When I cancelled the idea of one, they all gave me the "it's your wedding, do what you want to do". I just told them that I was too busy. 
    Second, I want to cancel my bridal shower. I sent out 30 invites and have received no RSVP's. I'm just sad and embarrassed. What should I do?
    I hope that I am misreading this.  YOU sent out invitations to your own bridal shower?  What?  This isn't something you should be doing.  This is not your place to invite people to a party in your own honor.  Shocking etiquette!
    Many brides don't get showers or bachelorette parties.  There is nothing unusual about this.  Did someone OFFER to host a party for you, or did you just assume that they would?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29DrillSergeantCatdowntondiva
  • OP, you'll probably feel like posters are being harsh on you, but honestly, the only expectation of the BP is to show up on the day of, on time, in the agreed upon attire. Adjust your expectations and your wedding planning and friendships will go much smoother.

    That was very considerate of you to pay for their dresses.

    What other dates and locations do they need to show up for?

    Pre-wedding parties are offered. One should never a host a party in one's own honour.

    It was presumptuous of you to plan your own parties and then expect other people to step in and carry it off when they've had no say in the budget or plans. And why would they step in when you've planned it all yourself? These parties shouldn't have happened unless someone offered to host it for you.

    A bachelorette trip is a big expense- no one is entitled to decide how someone else chooses to spend their money. I would not spend several hundred dollars for a weekend bach trip (some would, I know, but that should have been asked before hand). Again, did someone offer to host and plan this, or did you decide where and when it was going to be and what was going to happen? (Ignoring that you shouldn't have planned this) Did you ask for anyone's budget for dates that would work for people?

    As for the shower (ignoring you shouldn't have planned this), has your RSVP date passed? The onus is on the guest to respond, but the host should call up each person to ask what their RSVP is. However, I think I would go ahead with cancelling the party (particularly as you do not have a host who is going to set up, decorate, provide food, etc), and if someone decides to throw one for you, there is still time for it.
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensDrillSergeantCatlevioosa
  • I can understand your feelings. If you are the last to get married your friends are tired of being a bridesmaid and probably tired of being treated poorly by other brides. 

    I know the idea of not having a shower or bach sucks but they aren't requirements of your bridal party. Now you know you shouldn't have thrown parties in your honor, but what's done is done. Maybe call up your guests and see if they just forgot to RSVP.  

    Try to focus on the wedding and marriage. No one had a happy marriage because their bridal party threw them an awesome shower. You'll be ok don't worry.  
    charlotte989875kimmiinthemittenSP29
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    It's not appropriate to be planning your own shower or bachelorette party, so canceling is the right move. Maybe you hadn't gotten any RSVPs to the shower because people just haven't responded yet. When is the due date? For the bachelorette, what exactly do you want your friends to do? Sounds like a trip was planned (by you?) and other than going on the trip, IDK what you're looking for them to step up and actually DO.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • First, it's incredibly generous that you paid for their dresses. Most brides don't do that and I think it's great you're able to do that for your friends. 

    Second, did they offer to plan a trip? Did you all just talk about it broadly without anyone offering to take the lead and plan anything? This is a really busy, and expensive, time of year and if you told them you're too busy to go, they're probably taking that at face value. I really wouldn't read anything in to that they were fine with you cancelling the "idea" of a b-party. As you quoted it's your wedding they're going off of what you tell them. 

    Third, are you hosting (i.e. Planning the date/time/location/handling invites) your own shower? This is a big etiquette mistake. You should have waited for someone to offer to host a party for you, but that ship has sailed. When is it planned for, and when are the RSVPs due? If you are going to cancel you should do it sooner rather than later, especially if people had to travel. 

    I'm sorry you're sad and embarrassed. It sounds like you had high expectations of your BP, maybe from when you were in their weddings, that didn't match reality. They're not required to throw parties for you, but I get that it hurts you feel like they don't want to, but sometimes that happens. Weddings and parties aren't tit-for-tat and just because you did something for them doesn't mean they will do it for you. 

    Best thing to do is focus on the wedding. You're getting married in a month! Pre-wedding parties, who did what party, I promise it won't matter in the long run, and is it worth jeopardizing your friendships by being upset over a party? Focus on the fact that you're getting married and how great that will be. 
    SP29
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You shouldn't be throwing yourself these parties. It's really rude. I think you're right to cancel both. 

    Showers and bach parties are supposed to be thrown for you by someone that offers. 

  • edited December 2016
    You are very right to cancel both, as others have said those are parties that others should offer to throw you. You don't host parties in your honor/to give you gifts (which is what a Bach and Shower are), that's super rude.

    You sound generous in that you bought their dress, but even that doesn't mean you are entitled to either party if no one offers to throw you one.
    DrillSergeantCatCMGragain
  • Why are you planning the shower and the bach party for yourself? That is completely inappropriate, and for that reason alone you should cancel both. These are parties that are gifts from whoever offers to throw you one, NOT something you throw in your own honor.

    It's nice that you bought the dresses for your bridesmaids, but just as you weren't obligated to do that, they are not obligated to help you plan your wedding or throw any parties for you. I understand it can be disappointing if nobody offers these things, but ultimately it will have no bearing whatsoever on your actual marriage. I didn't have a bach party (didn't want one anyway) and I'm just as married as anyone who did. 
    image
    InLoveInQueens
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